AAaaArRRRrGhgggGGGGGGHhHHHH!
it's weird. definitely different from anything i've ever felt before. it's like depression, but it's not what i've dealt with for the past 2 years. this isn't a deep sadness or anything. it's like i've lost my desire to experience life or something.i'd rather read a book at home alone then go out with my friends. i can probably count at least 5 oldschool friends that have asked to hang out, but i just never feel like it. my oldest friend breaks up with his girlfriend and i can't even bring myself to drive out to LA, even though i really wanted to. it's like the only place i want to be is this room.
but i hate this room, so that doesnt make sense. rooms are just prison cells. but i dont have warcraft anymore, so it's not like im sitting in here because of some addiction or anything. so maybe that's why it doesn't bother me too much. somethin about this place though... it's safe i guess. there's so much shit going on in my life/head. it's just safer in here not having to deal with any of it though. but i can't avoid everything for forever. one day i have to go back to work. one day im going to have to put myself out there 100% for friendships or relationships and just be vulnerable. that scares the hell out of me though. as much as i can believe that i have some great relationships, i cant deny that i've been hurt by a lot of them. but most of that's my falt anyway... loving the wrong way and everything. im so screwed up, it's almost comical.
i was telling eric the other day how fun it is finding out how fucked up people are. i mean, if u really think about it, all the people that you know really well are nothing like you thought they were when you first met them. everyone has SOMETHING crazy in the closet. i really love that about people. cause there's not too much that can freak me out about people (unless they were murderers or something). and i love the fact that everyone has something they're not particularly comfortable with. it makes us all human. it levels the playing field. and anyone could be destoyed by their secrets if they were THAT self-conscious about them. it took me a while to get over mine, and it's still not like i'd wear them on my sleeve like a badge of honor. but they are what make me me. and i understand that now. and everyone has something, so why should i care so much?
im going to open my eyes now. im not ready or in the mood for some crazy introspective shit, so i'm just going to touch on this subject right now to get it out of my head. people piss me the fuck off. =) really, i want to be a nice guy. i understand that im fickle. i can like people one day and hate them the next... but sometimes it's deeper than that. it's the fake shit, i think. especially from people that i thought i was close to. and that's not to say that i'm not, but it hurts to think that someone that i'm close to can't be real with me. and im way over the surface shit, so once i find out that everything i've been getting/am getting is fake, it's like that person is dead to me. and i really really hate that, but fake friendships are just wasted time.
anyway, im gonna read now.
but i hate this room, so that doesnt make sense. rooms are just prison cells. but i dont have warcraft anymore, so it's not like im sitting in here because of some addiction or anything. so maybe that's why it doesn't bother me too much. somethin about this place though... it's safe i guess. there's so much shit going on in my life/head. it's just safer in here not having to deal with any of it though. but i can't avoid everything for forever. one day i have to go back to work. one day im going to have to put myself out there 100% for friendships or relationships and just be vulnerable. that scares the hell out of me though. as much as i can believe that i have some great relationships, i cant deny that i've been hurt by a lot of them. but most of that's my falt anyway... loving the wrong way and everything. im so screwed up, it's almost comical.
i was telling eric the other day how fun it is finding out how fucked up people are. i mean, if u really think about it, all the people that you know really well are nothing like you thought they were when you first met them. everyone has SOMETHING crazy in the closet. i really love that about people. cause there's not too much that can freak me out about people (unless they were murderers or something). and i love the fact that everyone has something they're not particularly comfortable with. it makes us all human. it levels the playing field. and anyone could be destoyed by their secrets if they were THAT self-conscious about them. it took me a while to get over mine, and it's still not like i'd wear them on my sleeve like a badge of honor. but they are what make me me. and i understand that now. and everyone has something, so why should i care so much?
im going to open my eyes now. im not ready or in the mood for some crazy introspective shit, so i'm just going to touch on this subject right now to get it out of my head. people piss me the fuck off. =) really, i want to be a nice guy. i understand that im fickle. i can like people one day and hate them the next... but sometimes it's deeper than that. it's the fake shit, i think. especially from people that i thought i was close to. and that's not to say that i'm not, but it hurts to think that someone that i'm close to can't be real with me. and im way over the surface shit, so once i find out that everything i've been getting/am getting is fake, it's like that person is dead to me. and i really really hate that, but fake friendships are just wasted time.
anyway, im gonna read now.