Progress?
I think I might be making progress, but I'm not sure. I'm not friends-filtering this, which maybe is a mistake, but it's a true post.
It's been a tough few weeks - I've been trying to rid myself of some bad habits - difficult stuff. In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm just one giant bad habit - and I'm bad at a lot of things.
A big thing is discipline - I'm always struggling with these 'simple, basic, human tasks.' Making sure I have food on my table, making sure I do laundry, clean up around the house. Those basics are among the hardest things for me, and I've always found it far, far easier to do them if I have company.
Ah, company. That's the kicker, there. I'm miserable when I'm alone. I spent yesterday after work alone - or mostly-alone. I spoke with some people I love on the phone, It helped, but I cried a lot. I spoke with my mother - I wondered if she felt lonely. She didn't really answer. She cares about me, but we disagree - so far - as to what I should do about some things in my life. I hope she's wrong, but she might not be.
I feel very alone. Right now, in a lot of ways, I feel like my only friends are Bethany, and my local friends Dave and Sarah. Bethany lives 6-12 hours away depending on transportation used, and my finances aren't as good as they used to be. Dave and Sarah live locally, and I spend a lot of time with them - but sometimes they're busy, and given my lack of transportation, sometimes I can't see them, based on schedules.
I'm not very good at being a person-on-my-own, but I'm trying. I'm trying to make plans to do specific things. I'm trying to stick to some schedules, and to be successful at keeping my apartment maintained. I'm scared, though, and I feel pretty alone. I think it's time for me to start seeing a psych doctor of some sort - but I'm afraid to do so, and I'm worried about the specific mechanics of doing so. I think I probably need to buy a car, but I don't know if I can afford it at the moment - I'm working half as many hours as I used to, primarily because of this whole mental health thing.
If I weren't as lucky as I am, I'd have lost my job a long time ago - but my boss - who is also a friend - wants me to succeed.
I don't know why I'm so lucky, in some ways. I have friends who would kill for the kind of leniency my boss gives me, and for the sort of income I get - though I'm by no means wealthy. I threw away the job with the Really Good Pay, back in probably 2006, maybe 2007 - I don't even remember now,
I've been reading Sandman again, and it's been making me think a lot about life, and death. This is all I have, this life. I'm not doing nearly enough with it. But I'm trying, dear god, I'm *trying.* It's so hard sometimes, and I feel very alone. I've been a bad friend to a lot of people, and it's catching up to me, for sure. I overextended myself for a long time - I maybe still am. Too many people on the old buddy list, and too few who I can really connect with.
And at times like these, when I feel so small, and so limited, it can be difficult to reach out to the people I love and care about. Poor Bethany gets the brunt of it in a lot of ways - I miss her the most, I want to be near her the most, and it's among the least practical.
I need to go to work now, and I'd rather post this than keep editing it - or more accurately, never finish, and forget about it. I think I'll be ok. I hope I make a life for myself, a life that I want, and can be proud of.
It's been a tough few weeks - I've been trying to rid myself of some bad habits - difficult stuff. In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm just one giant bad habit - and I'm bad at a lot of things.
A big thing is discipline - I'm always struggling with these 'simple, basic, human tasks.' Making sure I have food on my table, making sure I do laundry, clean up around the house. Those basics are among the hardest things for me, and I've always found it far, far easier to do them if I have company.
Ah, company. That's the kicker, there. I'm miserable when I'm alone. I spent yesterday after work alone - or mostly-alone. I spoke with some people I love on the phone, It helped, but I cried a lot. I spoke with my mother - I wondered if she felt lonely. She didn't really answer. She cares about me, but we disagree - so far - as to what I should do about some things in my life. I hope she's wrong, but she might not be.
I feel very alone. Right now, in a lot of ways, I feel like my only friends are Bethany, and my local friends Dave and Sarah. Bethany lives 6-12 hours away depending on transportation used, and my finances aren't as good as they used to be. Dave and Sarah live locally, and I spend a lot of time with them - but sometimes they're busy, and given my lack of transportation, sometimes I can't see them, based on schedules.
I'm not very good at being a person-on-my-own, but I'm trying. I'm trying to make plans to do specific things. I'm trying to stick to some schedules, and to be successful at keeping my apartment maintained. I'm scared, though, and I feel pretty alone. I think it's time for me to start seeing a psych doctor of some sort - but I'm afraid to do so, and I'm worried about the specific mechanics of doing so. I think I probably need to buy a car, but I don't know if I can afford it at the moment - I'm working half as many hours as I used to, primarily because of this whole mental health thing.
If I weren't as lucky as I am, I'd have lost my job a long time ago - but my boss - who is also a friend - wants me to succeed.
I don't know why I'm so lucky, in some ways. I have friends who would kill for the kind of leniency my boss gives me, and for the sort of income I get - though I'm by no means wealthy. I threw away the job with the Really Good Pay, back in probably 2006, maybe 2007 - I don't even remember now,
I've been reading Sandman again, and it's been making me think a lot about life, and death. This is all I have, this life. I'm not doing nearly enough with it. But I'm trying, dear god, I'm *trying.* It's so hard sometimes, and I feel very alone. I've been a bad friend to a lot of people, and it's catching up to me, for sure. I overextended myself for a long time - I maybe still am. Too many people on the old buddy list, and too few who I can really connect with.
And at times like these, when I feel so small, and so limited, it can be difficult to reach out to the people I love and care about. Poor Bethany gets the brunt of it in a lot of ways - I miss her the most, I want to be near her the most, and it's among the least practical.
I need to go to work now, and I'd rather post this than keep editing it - or more accurately, never finish, and forget about it. I think I'll be ok. I hope I make a life for myself, a life that I want, and can be proud of.