(no subject)

[over_rated_lush]

drunk. so many things that seem so far out of my reach. and yet i feel they are ever closer than they have been. thinking of the past, relationships, friends, family, everything. so many things in perspective in my mind. maybe it is just the alcohol talking, but just so many things i have thought about. i miss my uncle...i wish that the fucking bastard that killed him was never fucking born. i hope that one day i will see him face to face so that i might have the chance to fucking let him feel just one little fucking ounce of the pain that i have been feeling for the past 7 years. if i was able to take the life of anyone, it would be that man. i hate, and despise that man. how could someone take a life of a man that fucking helped you. made your life easier, and then just say i am gonna end your life cause i ask for something in return for all that i have done for you? i wish that i would see him just for a second that is all it would take i would give my life just to see that man die. i feel bad i have been to my uncles grave once since his funeral and it was last year. i couldnt even deal with it then. 18 years old and i fucking still cried uncontrollably. like a little fucking baby. i hate the feeling of helplessness. i wish that i could be strong and not think about this. but yet at the same time i feel guilty if i dont think about it, i mean i owe it to my uncle. to remember him. i loved him so much....i dont know....fucked up thats all it is. relationships, how are you supposed to fall in love with someone after you think that you found the one person that was your "true love". i want to know. is it wrong to have more than one...? i wish i knew the answers. i wish that life was much more easy than it is. i find myself afraid to want to love again....and even then when i think that it will happen again i have that fucking thought in my mind, that the same thing will happen again. as much as i know you arent the person that will do that, i am still scared. scared for a larger change. being with you is amazing, i cherish every moment. lying in bed next to you. learning the little things about you that make you special to me. so many thing that i wnat to say, but i dont know how. understand what i mean when i say it!

the sheets are calling my name...no danielle but for one night i will live. night to all.