Thanksgiving
To The Friends I Adore,
Today is really an amazing day for me. I sit back and i look at my thanksgiving and i have so much to be thankful for today. Today i was able to come to terms with my future and my past. Tuesday night Kaitlyn called me and came by my house. How do i describe kaitlyn? I don't even know how to begin, she's my angel. I don't necessarily beleive that one person was put on this earth for each and every person but i truly beleive she's here for me. She always made me want to be just a little bit of a better person, she's smart, she's beautiful, and man is she funny. She is all i ever wanted in life. But that's a lie because, as much as i want to be with her. I never truly saw it as feesible. And i don't even know if that's the truth, after 4 years i don't know what the truth is, can you beleive that. All i know is my eye's burn when i think that she's back, what i mean by back is, i fucked up...and i fucked up pretty bad. I was on top of the world when we were friends going to concerts, weddings, watching movies, i was going to washington and she stayed over until 4am when i had to go to the airport cause she wouldn't see me all weekend. I was never happier in my life then when we friends, but on my 21st birthday i had to come to terms with alot of things. I knew i was thinking about her every hour on the hour, and admit to myself that we might never be together, i never dated anyone, i mean why would i want too, she was perfect, i couldn't find better. Imagine what that's like...the time together was amazing, but how could i ever be happy. I didn't know and i felt like i was suffering, and a month before we were going to disneyland i stumbled onto something i wasn't supposed to see and i used that as an excuse to break things off. I was proud of myself, i mean i don't care who you are, that has to be impressive to do that. I felt like a better person for a week, but it was artifical, because the thoughts never went away, i still looked at our pictures, held on the Build-a-bear she gave me a year before, tighter then before. My skies took on a shade of grey, i became bitter, and negative. The last 2 years i was looking for something to grab onto because i was lost, i couldn't focus on school, i was doing bad at work, and i was depressed. This week things started to turn around, i realized the direction for my future, i am on a new ridalin that keeps me more awake, my job is going great, and i don't know if i will ever forget the feeling of hugging her for the first time in 2 years out of my head. I don't know if was harder to hold back from crying when she appeared from the shadows and hugged me or when i sit and think about how much i missed her. She's in town for the weekend for thanksgiving i am sure i will get to see her before she leaves again, even if i don't i'm still happy, i hope she makes it out to my friends party tomorrow/tonight because all my friends will be home for thanksgiving and i would love them to meet the girl i have been talking about for the last 3 years. I don't want to say i "have" her back because i never "had" her, but i think now that i am 22 instead of 18, i can handle these feelings and as miserable as i was these last few years i think i learned ALOT about myself and i am sure if your reading this it's because your my friend and you like the person i am today. I guess i never really understood the meaning of thanksgiving until this year.
Today is really an amazing day for me. I sit back and i look at my thanksgiving and i have so much to be thankful for today. Today i was able to come to terms with my future and my past. Tuesday night Kaitlyn called me and came by my house. How do i describe kaitlyn? I don't even know how to begin, she's my angel. I don't necessarily beleive that one person was put on this earth for each and every person but i truly beleive she's here for me. She always made me want to be just a little bit of a better person, she's smart, she's beautiful, and man is she funny. She is all i ever wanted in life. But that's a lie because, as much as i want to be with her. I never truly saw it as feesible. And i don't even know if that's the truth, after 4 years i don't know what the truth is, can you beleive that. All i know is my eye's burn when i think that she's back, what i mean by back is, i fucked up...and i fucked up pretty bad. I was on top of the world when we were friends going to concerts, weddings, watching movies, i was going to washington and she stayed over until 4am when i had to go to the airport cause she wouldn't see me all weekend. I was never happier in my life then when we friends, but on my 21st birthday i had to come to terms with alot of things. I knew i was thinking about her every hour on the hour, and admit to myself that we might never be together, i never dated anyone, i mean why would i want too, she was perfect, i couldn't find better. Imagine what that's like...the time together was amazing, but how could i ever be happy. I didn't know and i felt like i was suffering, and a month before we were going to disneyland i stumbled onto something i wasn't supposed to see and i used that as an excuse to break things off. I was proud of myself, i mean i don't care who you are, that has to be impressive to do that. I felt like a better person for a week, but it was artifical, because the thoughts never went away, i still looked at our pictures, held on the Build-a-bear she gave me a year before, tighter then before. My skies took on a shade of grey, i became bitter, and negative. The last 2 years i was looking for something to grab onto because i was lost, i couldn't focus on school, i was doing bad at work, and i was depressed. This week things started to turn around, i realized the direction for my future, i am on a new ridalin that keeps me more awake, my job is going great, and i don't know if i will ever forget the feeling of hugging her for the first time in 2 years out of my head. I don't know if was harder to hold back from crying when she appeared from the shadows and hugged me or when i sit and think about how much i missed her. She's in town for the weekend for thanksgiving i am sure i will get to see her before she leaves again, even if i don't i'm still happy, i hope she makes it out to my friends party tomorrow/tonight because all my friends will be home for thanksgiving and i would love them to meet the girl i have been talking about for the last 3 years. I don't want to say i "have" her back because i never "had" her, but i think now that i am 22 instead of 18, i can handle these feelings and as miserable as i was these last few years i think i learned ALOT about myself and i am sure if your reading this it's because your my friend and you like the person i am today. I guess i never really understood the meaning of thanksgiving until this year.