(no subject)
There are a lot of things people don't know about me. For whatever reason. The reasons they don't know don't really matter so much as the things I want people to know. I'm so horribly bad at expressing myself its not even funny. By expressing myself I am not refering to the way I dress or the hairstyle I have or the ways I choose to modify my body but rather by the emotions I have. I don't think people know how much I care. I don't think they know how much I love them. Not to be a total downer but growing up my family did not express love to each other. We did not hug. We did not kiss. We were emotionally distance. Through experiences I was taught that emotions were a sign of weakness. We did not cry. We did not laugh. And we didn't talk. When I was hurting and needed comfort, I was told to clean my room. It would make me feel better. So as I grew up, I remained that way. I did not tell people how much they meant to me no matter what. I still don't hug people. I hang back in crowds. I don't grow attached to people and if I do, they don't really know the impact they've had on me. I wish there was an easy way for me to tell people that I care about them and that they mean the world to me. I wish I could be one of those people who give hugs all the time. I don't think people know that I would walk to the end of the earth for them. I don't think people know how much I care. I don't hate. If there is one thing that I have learned in life is that hate is a waste of time and by having it you only end up hurting yourself. Even the people who have hurt me the most in life, I still care about and still treasure what they have given me. I don't even dislike people. I really do love everyone and though it seems I may say love a lot, I don't want that to take away from the real meaning it has. For me, its a strong binding emotion. Not some bullshit way of saying you half-heartly care for someone. But rather a feeling that when the person whom you love moves out of your life for whatever reason you'll be touched by the memories they have left you. All the memories. Even the ones you thought were bad at the time. I wish there was a way to right all the things I've done. I know I have said some mean things to people or about people but truthfully I never meant them. I don't know why I even say things and if you really knew me you'd know that I don't generally talk shit about people. I usually stick up for them. I know I hang out with people who talk a lot of shit but really I just listen. I think the main reason I would ever say something hurtful is if that person hurt me. Which is not a good excuse I know, but its an easy way of protecting myself. By building up these walls against them. By saying something mean, I am able to push them out of the immediate area of my head and push out the reason I let them in in the first place. So here's my apology if I ever hurt you. And here's my apology for not being able to express how much you mean to me.
And now, I'd like to say a few words to first all the friends I have on eljay, I wish I was able to tell those who don't read this how I feel but written words are the only way I know. I don't expect anything in return and nor do I necessairly want it. Just...take what I have to say seriously because this is me opening up. This is me opening way up and I need a reason for me to feel safe opening up.
antiscian: We never really got the chance to get to know each other outside lj but I really admire you. I think you are one of the classiest people I've met and you're so extremely talented in both your writings and photography that I wish the best for you in everything you do.
awalkingdream: I really apperciate you apologizing the other day but know that I never had hard feeling. I'm just really happy that you found what you were looking for and I hope you're happy with everything you've gained and accomplished.
beneaththesound: As one of the nicest people ever, I'm glad that I have gotten the chance to meet you and that I know you are there for and care deeply about your friends. I'm also very happy to know that no matter what you are there for a very special person whom I hope can see how beautiful and wonderful she is.
brakingeleven: We've lost touched over the years but those times we got to hang out together freshman year will always bring a smile to my face. You're a really strong guy and those heart to hearts we had, especially while camping, meant a lot to me.
carorules: My favorite internet friend. You've given me great advice and are always so strong and supportive no matter what. I only hope that one day we can meet.
defiantfay: I love how awesomely chipper and up beat you are. You've always got something witty to say and you really know how to liven things up in a good way. I can easily see why people want to be around you. You've really got a passion for life.
echothatislove: I will always remember how warm you are. You're so friendly and always make me smile by being so clever and pleasent. I know you have great things to give to this world and I only wish people would be so caring as you are. I really admire your dedication to your dream of working with animals and I know no matter what one day you will obtain that goal.
effyou04: You are one of my closes friends and were always there for me when I was stranded some where crying my eyes out. I can never thank you enough for the amount of times you let me complain to you about stupid things. I really wish that I could just erase all the bullshit in your life. I want you to be happy more than anything else.
efreedenberg: I know there have been some shakey times but I do think you are a good guy and I really wish people weren't so judgemental. Your heart is in the right place and you've really done a good job with a lot of things that I don't think people apperciate you enough for. I also want you to know that I think your photography skills are really quite amazing.
enigmartyria: We've had some crazy time together and though we don't see or talk to each other as much as I would like, I will always admire you. You were one of the first people to show me that it was okay to be different as long as you were being true to yourself. You helped show me the person I wanted to be, whether or not you know it.
exhalenamaste: I've known you for three and some years now and with each obsticale I've seen us grow so much. You've really made my college years and I know you probably know that I love you, but I can never say it enough. I would not be as strong as I am now if it were not for you and your everlasting support.
gdaxlemos: You still make me smile. Your gentle ways and your crazyness paired together to make a really great guy. I only wish that we still talked. I hope you've found happiness.
glassshard13: We've had so many great talks about everything. I'm so proud of you and everything you've accomplished and it makes me feel so good inside to see the brave woman you've become. I know its not always easy, but you always pull through and I hope you always remember how strong and wonderful you are.
haplily: Your willpower is something to be jealous of. I love how you have the ability and strength to do anything you put your mind to. I'm always so interested to hear about the accomplishes you make.
i_am_just_me19: I am so glad that one of my friends has found someone who can make her so happy. You give me hope in guys when sometimes I think there is no hope. I really admire you taking such a big step in life to find out your dreams.
jellofiend84: One of my partners in crime freshman year. We were some crazy masterminds and I still love to tell people of our great stories of discovering campus. Without you I don't think I would have made it through some of the roughest patches of my college career.
jendotcom: You are one of the people I have known the longest and I am so glad we are still able to keep in touch despite all the ups and downs. I really admire all the things you've done and the person you have grown up to be. I also like how you are not ashamed of anything you take pleasure in and that you have some crazy balls to do that you know will help you reach your goals.
jess_dot_com: We don't know each other too well at all but I've always admired you. You are a strong woman and I don't know if I would be able to have the strength to do the things you've done. Ever since I saw you with a mohawk I knew that I wanted to have your strengh to be gusty and not afraid of people judging me and my decisions.
kalaflies: It's been since middle school since we really talked. I remember watching you play green day songs at the talent show and really wishing I had your spunk and your ambition. I remember always having so much fun and I still tell the story of us and our wheel chair fight at Amy's party.
ladbroke: Our friendship faded almost as fast as it started. I always thought you were so interesting though. You were always so happy and full of life too. I really liked that about you.
ladyrepublica: You really have a good head on your shouldars. I don't think people really see just how smart you are and just how much you have an understanding of the world around you. I am so happy that you found someone that brings you so much joy and pleasure in life.
mikess: You are such a talented singer. I know sometimes the world lets you down but you never let me down. You're a really great friend and I always liked how you saw the best in people.
myslytherin: I can't say we know each other very well but from what I've learned about you, you're very interesting and your take on the world is refreshing and brings a new light to things.
nonblonde85: I feel like I keep saying how I have lost touch with people and I hate to say it again here. I am so happy you have found what you were looking for in college. I admire your dedication to Women's Rights even when it seems hopeless. You happiness and spunk always rubs off on me when you are around.
ohlola: It's been awhile eh. I really am happy for you. From what I gather you are doing really well for yourself and you seem really happy. I always thought you deserved the absolute best.
propopdan: I hate you. jkjkjk. I think you're hilarious and I think its great that you don't care what people think of you. I really am rooting for you to find a girl that makes you really happy.
punkqueen51586: I love your smile. It's so bright and inviting. We only seem to bump into each other at parties anymore but each time I'm glad we get to exchange a few words. Your journal entires have always been moving and I want the best for you because such a sweet person like you really deserves it.
rorawks: We've dealt with so much shit and a lot of it has been out of no where. Despite it all, I am still so glad that we know each other. I am truly going to miss you when you move away but I know you will always have my back, and I will always have yours.
scotty_doo: Our inside indie/emo jokes will always be hilarious even after months of not keeping in touch. I am so glad I met someone like you. Your love for your friends is admirable. I know sometimes things get rough but I also know that you are a strong person and you always pull through.
sixstringsamri: You were always such a good person to me in high school and I always had a great time hanging out with you. It took a lot of guts for you to move out to CA but I really admire it and hope you're doing well.
spazzy72: Your confidence in yourself is something to be proud of. Your love for life and your ability to do whatever you please no matter what people say is something I've admired. You always have such a great smile on your face that it can warm even the coldest hearts.
steveontrial: You've taught me a lot about myself and what I want from the world. I'm really glad that I got to meet someone like you. I know you are a strong person and you will accomplish all of your goals one day, especially the one about having lots and lots of money. I hope we keep in touch so I can see you meet those goals.
thecatfell: Man, its been awhile. First of all, you're so smart its not even funny. Your ability to do anything you put half your mind to is amazing. I love how you can do some awesome things with out hardly trying. You're a great friend and your humor and laughter is so contagious I wish I could tape record it and play it whenever I am feeling down.
theklooster: You always brought a smile to my face during those long nights working on the lit mag. You're a very talented writer and really know how to make people feel good about themselves. I hope through the years you'll never lose that spunk that I admired so much.
uselesstodream: I think you are too hard on yourself. I think you should give yourself more credit because you are a great person. I've seen you so happy and full of life and you never seemed worried about what people have to say. You have your own style and you totally work it and I really admire you for that.
vapormole: I really don't know where to start. You're such a great guy and I can't believe I am so lucky as to have someone like you care about me. I'm glad we're friends and that I can feel safe with you. I know you're going to do great things with your life and I hope you find a girl who will really treasure you for the awesome person you are.
wakeupandforget: You're a very talented person. I know we had a falling out for whatever reason but I admire your strength. I love your style and am glad to have met someone who is as ambitious and awesome as you are.
xkissablenquiet: I don't always understand whats going on with you, but I always care about you. I really want the best for you because I think you are such a special person. I'm not sure how to explain it but you have a way with you where you just radiate all these great things. You're so smart and your willpower to do whatever it takes for you to make your dreams come true is amazing.
after re-reading this I sort of sounds like a "goodbye, thanks for the memories, I am killing myself now." but its really not like that at all. It's just the easiest way to tell y'all how you've affected my life and that I think you're truly kick ass. I'm really happy and proud to know people like you.
And now, I'd like to say a few words to first all the friends I have on eljay, I wish I was able to tell those who don't read this how I feel but written words are the only way I know. I don't expect anything in return and nor do I necessairly want it. Just...take what I have to say seriously because this is me opening up. This is me opening way up and I need a reason for me to feel safe opening up.
antiscian: We never really got the chance to get to know each other outside lj but I really admire you. I think you are one of the classiest people I've met and you're so extremely talented in both your writings and photography that I wish the best for you in everything you do.
awalkingdream: I really apperciate you apologizing the other day but know that I never had hard feeling. I'm just really happy that you found what you were looking for and I hope you're happy with everything you've gained and accomplished.
beneaththesound: As one of the nicest people ever, I'm glad that I have gotten the chance to meet you and that I know you are there for and care deeply about your friends. I'm also very happy to know that no matter what you are there for a very special person whom I hope can see how beautiful and wonderful she is.
brakingeleven: We've lost touched over the years but those times we got to hang out together freshman year will always bring a smile to my face. You're a really strong guy and those heart to hearts we had, especially while camping, meant a lot to me.
carorules: My favorite internet friend. You've given me great advice and are always so strong and supportive no matter what. I only hope that one day we can meet.
defiantfay: I love how awesomely chipper and up beat you are. You've always got something witty to say and you really know how to liven things up in a good way. I can easily see why people want to be around you. You've really got a passion for life.
echothatislove: I will always remember how warm you are. You're so friendly and always make me smile by being so clever and pleasent. I know you have great things to give to this world and I only wish people would be so caring as you are. I really admire your dedication to your dream of working with animals and I know no matter what one day you will obtain that goal.
effyou04: You are one of my closes friends and were always there for me when I was stranded some where crying my eyes out. I can never thank you enough for the amount of times you let me complain to you about stupid things. I really wish that I could just erase all the bullshit in your life. I want you to be happy more than anything else.
efreedenberg: I know there have been some shakey times but I do think you are a good guy and I really wish people weren't so judgemental. Your heart is in the right place and you've really done a good job with a lot of things that I don't think people apperciate you enough for. I also want you to know that I think your photography skills are really quite amazing.
enigmartyria: We've had some crazy time together and though we don't see or talk to each other as much as I would like, I will always admire you. You were one of the first people to show me that it was okay to be different as long as you were being true to yourself. You helped show me the person I wanted to be, whether or not you know it.
exhalenamaste: I've known you for three and some years now and with each obsticale I've seen us grow so much. You've really made my college years and I know you probably know that I love you, but I can never say it enough. I would not be as strong as I am now if it were not for you and your everlasting support.
gdaxlemos: You still make me smile. Your gentle ways and your crazyness paired together to make a really great guy. I only wish that we still talked. I hope you've found happiness.
glassshard13: We've had so many great talks about everything. I'm so proud of you and everything you've accomplished and it makes me feel so good inside to see the brave woman you've become. I know its not always easy, but you always pull through and I hope you always remember how strong and wonderful you are.
haplily: Your willpower is something to be jealous of. I love how you have the ability and strength to do anything you put your mind to. I'm always so interested to hear about the accomplishes you make.
i_am_just_me19: I am so glad that one of my friends has found someone who can make her so happy. You give me hope in guys when sometimes I think there is no hope. I really admire you taking such a big step in life to find out your dreams.
jellofiend84: One of my partners in crime freshman year. We were some crazy masterminds and I still love to tell people of our great stories of discovering campus. Without you I don't think I would have made it through some of the roughest patches of my college career.
jendotcom: You are one of the people I have known the longest and I am so glad we are still able to keep in touch despite all the ups and downs. I really admire all the things you've done and the person you have grown up to be. I also like how you are not ashamed of anything you take pleasure in and that you have some crazy balls to do that you know will help you reach your goals.
jess_dot_com: We don't know each other too well at all but I've always admired you. You are a strong woman and I don't know if I would be able to have the strength to do the things you've done. Ever since I saw you with a mohawk I knew that I wanted to have your strengh to be gusty and not afraid of people judging me and my decisions.
kalaflies: It's been since middle school since we really talked. I remember watching you play green day songs at the talent show and really wishing I had your spunk and your ambition. I remember always having so much fun and I still tell the story of us and our wheel chair fight at Amy's party.
ladbroke: Our friendship faded almost as fast as it started. I always thought you were so interesting though. You were always so happy and full of life too. I really liked that about you.
ladyrepublica: You really have a good head on your shouldars. I don't think people really see just how smart you are and just how much you have an understanding of the world around you. I am so happy that you found someone that brings you so much joy and pleasure in life.
mikess: You are such a talented singer. I know sometimes the world lets you down but you never let me down. You're a really great friend and I always liked how you saw the best in people.
myslytherin: I can't say we know each other very well but from what I've learned about you, you're very interesting and your take on the world is refreshing and brings a new light to things.
nonblonde85: I feel like I keep saying how I have lost touch with people and I hate to say it again here. I am so happy you have found what you were looking for in college. I admire your dedication to Women's Rights even when it seems hopeless. You happiness and spunk always rubs off on me when you are around.
ohlola: It's been awhile eh. I really am happy for you. From what I gather you are doing really well for yourself and you seem really happy. I always thought you deserved the absolute best.
propopdan: I hate you. jkjkjk. I think you're hilarious and I think its great that you don't care what people think of you. I really am rooting for you to find a girl that makes you really happy.
punkqueen51586: I love your smile. It's so bright and inviting. We only seem to bump into each other at parties anymore but each time I'm glad we get to exchange a few words. Your journal entires have always been moving and I want the best for you because such a sweet person like you really deserves it.
rorawks: We've dealt with so much shit and a lot of it has been out of no where. Despite it all, I am still so glad that we know each other. I am truly going to miss you when you move away but I know you will always have my back, and I will always have yours.
scotty_doo: Our inside indie/emo jokes will always be hilarious even after months of not keeping in touch. I am so glad I met someone like you. Your love for your friends is admirable. I know sometimes things get rough but I also know that you are a strong person and you always pull through.
sixstringsamri: You were always such a good person to me in high school and I always had a great time hanging out with you. It took a lot of guts for you to move out to CA but I really admire it and hope you're doing well.
spazzy72: Your confidence in yourself is something to be proud of. Your love for life and your ability to do whatever you please no matter what people say is something I've admired. You always have such a great smile on your face that it can warm even the coldest hearts.
steveontrial: You've taught me a lot about myself and what I want from the world. I'm really glad that I got to meet someone like you. I know you are a strong person and you will accomplish all of your goals one day, especially the one about having lots and lots of money. I hope we keep in touch so I can see you meet those goals.
thecatfell: Man, its been awhile. First of all, you're so smart its not even funny. Your ability to do anything you put half your mind to is amazing. I love how you can do some awesome things with out hardly trying. You're a great friend and your humor and laughter is so contagious I wish I could tape record it and play it whenever I am feeling down.
theklooster: You always brought a smile to my face during those long nights working on the lit mag. You're a very talented writer and really know how to make people feel good about themselves. I hope through the years you'll never lose that spunk that I admired so much.
uselesstodream: I think you are too hard on yourself. I think you should give yourself more credit because you are a great person. I've seen you so happy and full of life and you never seemed worried about what people have to say. You have your own style and you totally work it and I really admire you for that.
vapormole: I really don't know where to start. You're such a great guy and I can't believe I am so lucky as to have someone like you care about me. I'm glad we're friends and that I can feel safe with you. I know you're going to do great things with your life and I hope you find a girl who will really treasure you for the awesome person you are.
wakeupandforget: You're a very talented person. I know we had a falling out for whatever reason but I admire your strength. I love your style and am glad to have met someone who is as ambitious and awesome as you are.
xkissablenquiet: I don't always understand whats going on with you, but I always care about you. I really want the best for you because I think you are such a special person. I'm not sure how to explain it but you have a way with you where you just radiate all these great things. You're so smart and your willpower to do whatever it takes for you to make your dreams come true is amazing.
after re-reading this I sort of sounds like a "goodbye, thanks for the memories, I am killing myself now." but its really not like that at all. It's just the easiest way to tell y'all how you've affected my life and that I think you're truly kick ass. I'm really happy and proud to know people like you.