Without you... (plus mood-music-video-thing Tribute to Ben)

[sensi_doctor]

Click to view

JD is in a dark corner of the Inn lobby. It's not clear how long he's been there. 15 minutes... a few hours. He's wearing scrubs. Hell, he still has medical gloves on

Comments

[fallen_april]

April wanders in, quite thrilled to have found this place again.

And then she sees JD. And she's all-business. Business being worry and fear and needing to make it better.

She comes up to JD, sits next to him, and wraps her arms around him without a word.

He'll talk when he wants to.

[sensi_doctor]

The only thing that can bring tears to his eyes other than spilled alcohol and having to tell Chase is April, apparently. She slides his arms around him and the tears start to burn so he sucks tehe shot back quick, wincing, heavily and then reaching over and pulling her on top of his lap.

The scotch did very little to keep the tears away with April. He presses his face against her shoulder, breathing shakily. Everything hurts.

And he can't, for the life of him, figure out how best to put this into words.

[fallen_april]

She cuddles him, rubs his back, kisses his hair, murmurs comforting nonsense. She'll make it better, dammit.

The narration thinks it's probably a good thing he gets some good comfort before she's breaking, too.

[sensi_doctor]

He can't do it. He can't say the words.

He's supposed to protect her. He wasn't supposed to let Ben die. He wasn't...

JD has to do it. He knows. He must be strong. He closes his eyes and lifts his head up, away from her so his voice isn't muffled. "April..." His chest must be crushing under all of this ache. "Ben... he, uhm, he died. Today. Went into cardiac arrest... I couldn't-" JD shakes his head. "Couldn't save him. I'm sorry."

[fallen_april]

April could swear that her own heart stops beating for a moment.

And then she's clinging to JD as tightly as she can, her face buried in his neck, gasping a little, trying not to cry. "It wasn't your fault," is the first thing out of her mouth. She wasn't there, she doesn't know exactly what happened or what was done, but she knows that JD would've done everything possible to try to save him. And she knows how he's taken this guilt on himself, even though he shouldn't.

But god it hurts. Her Benji, her brotherthing, her confidante and friend... No.

[sensi_doctor]

JD holds her back, just as tight, and presses a kiss into her hair.

He is at a serious loss for words right now or thoughts or emotions.

There aren't any more tears. Just April. Because when he holds April and closes his eyes he doesn't see Ben's corpse, doesn't feel him die beneath his hands.

There's just April.

Only April.

And God he wants to take this pain from her. He wants to- needs to be able to do that for her.

But he can't. He's going to have to realize that at some point. He just... can't.

[fallen_april]

He can't. And she'll manage.

She manages, after a long moment, to get herself a little under control. "God... Baby, are you okay? Can I... can I do anything?"

She wants to curl up and sob. But she can't. Not yet.

[sensi_doctor]

JD pulls away enough to look at her face.

It's surprising how incredibly calm he is... or empty... or something.

He sees the breaking there in her eyes. And emotion peeks through just long enough to hurt before it all goes numb again. JD leans forward and kisses her, softly.

Very softly.

JD reaches up and runs his fingers through her hair. "I'm okay."

It's not true, but he's trying to tell her that she doesn't have to be strong for him. That she doesn't have to sacrifice for him. That she can go grieve in whatever way she needs. And he wants to slam his head against the wall for being such a fucking martyr. All the time. But he's not capable of reacting any other way.

The first death he'd ever experienced on anyone close to him, he'd made a joke right after finding out. Dr. Cox said if he didn't find a way of dealing with his emotions, letting them out in a healthy manner that it'd destroy him. He still hasn't found a way... apparently. Not sure that throwing fruit off the roof will help this time.

[fallen_april]

"Don't lie," she whispers, and presses her forehead against his. "I know what you're doing, and... I'm not gonna say not to, but... don't lie."

She sighs, and shivers. She wants to break. She won't let herself. Not yet. "This is gonna be hard, huh?"

[sensi_doctor]

"Sorry." JD says, softly. More because he knows that's what he should say, not because he actually feels sorry.

That would require, of course, feeling something.

"Yeah. It is." There's no lying about that one. Couldn't if he tried.

[fallen_april]

She kisses him deeply, a little desperately. "I love you," she says firmly.

She wants to go away. She wants to stay. She doesn't know what to do.

So she just sits there, holding on to him.

[sensi_doctor]

"I love you, too."

Ah, there it is. Emotion again. At her kiss.

Of course.

Somehow it seems like a goodbye kiss. That should scare him, but it doesn't. Why doesn't it?

God, he needs to let go.

[fallen_april]

"Try to break," she whispers in his ear. "I understand if you can't with me, but let yourself break on someone. You'll be better for it, in the end. I promise."

[sensi_doctor]

JD nods, because he doesn't trust himself to speak at this point.

She's one of the only people that he can break on. Her and Ben and Vida... but oh, never again. With Vida. That'd just be bad and wrong and horrible.

He needs time. Definite time.

Time would be... good.

[fallen_april]

She just needs a little time, and she'll be alright. She just needs to break. To go on a little trip with the Doctor. She'll be fine for breaking on in a little bit.