I hate (my) life!
I ain't suicidal - I mean I guess now that I've been doing all kinds of drugs and been sticking needles up my arms for almost 3 years I think I definitely have some kind of "self-destructive gene" floating around in me somewhere but yeah, let's just say I ain't too happy with my life lately. I wish I could just press some kinda rewind button, or pause button and then start over again and finally move on with my life but it just doesn't stop. Ever.
I spent all day lying in bed (sleeping). The kitten would hiss at me for being a lazy bum from time to time and get me to dragg myself into the kitchen to get her stuff but that's it. No nothing. I've had two "bubbles" saved from yesterday and I knew that if I was gonna walk around all day and actually do something productive I'd need way more than that - I'm up to 7 bubbles a day, which is like 7 gramm I suppose? I ain't too good with numbers but just for the record: hardcore junkie here.. I don't even know how to explain how I'm able to support my habbit. Lying, selling almost all my belongings and even selling my body, but I'll definitely won't go back to doing that!! Sure know that once the pain and anxiety starts I'm fast to put myself out there on the streets again. But it's a flippin vicious cycle and I'm sick and tired of it, sick of myself, I mean that isn't me..
Anyway, I've had all kinds of nightmare dreams throughout the day. And I was having this weird "neck" thingie again, where, in my sleep, it feels like my head is being pulled to one side and I can't barely breath. I woke up thinking I was at my parent's house and I remember I was itching for some candy but soon as I opened my eyes I realised I'm far from home AND I just gotta stop! I'll be working the next two days but after that I gotta make it happen. It's only gonna be a fucking pain for like 5 days anyway, just get through it. Like I was reading stories from people who were put on a heck load of pain medication after surgeries and when they kicked the meds they went into withdrawal but didn't even know why they're feeling like shit and just pulled through it. My brain is gonna give me a hell of a bad time tho, hence most people go back on drugs, cause they're craving it. Just like cigarettes.. only drugs will rip your life away..