I don't wanna talk about it
All my life, I've been an emotional wreck. Now, I ain't trying to make this sound all tough using foul language and what not, but I need to get this off my chest. Right now. Not all of it, cuz it's killing me, but I'm sure that sooner or later I'm gonna come back here to vent. I'm not a bad person. There's alot of evil in people but I'm seriously not sucha bad person. But I have it in me. And that's scarry. I'm scared that someday I'm gonna burst and take it all out on some poor ass motherfucker, who probably even deserves taking shit from me, maybe for some shit that his friends and family don't know about him, like it is with so many things that my friends and family don't know about me. But I figured I'd rather come here and put my frustrations into words instead. Because I was abused big time. Now some of it sent me putting myself out there, making some dirty ass money for things that are so wrong, I don't even know how to put them into words, mainly because I rather let it sleep inside me instead of recalling it all and writing about it, let alone talk to anyone about it. But when I was 7 or 8 some people took advantage of me and it seems to run through my life like a common thread. I thought I could drown it in alcohol. I know I was able to keep my emotions from spilling out of me by taking drugs, sort of like a bottle with the cork stuck. But that shit hurt man and I ain't trying to let it all out on innocent people, you know? But someone's gotta pay for this and since I'm the kinda guy who would never harm a fly I tend to take it out on myself. Now I've come to realise it started affecting people around me, like when dad called the other day saying he and mom can't even get a full night sleep, because their so worried about me. That shit hurts even more. I'm trying to stay sane here alright. Trying to get up every morning, going to work and coming home to an empty apartment. Hey, I'm still breathing. I guess I never wanted to talk about that kinda stuff with anyone, because I didn't wanna come across like I'm in desperate need of attention, because quite frankly noone would believe that shit anyways. Not if you're from a small town, you know, stuff like that only happens to others and in like big cities. But hell, on the other side, I don't need to defend myself for something that others did to me. I'm not the one who put me in that position. You know, being the victim and all. And I certainly don't wanna be the victim. Guess I just wanna move on but it's hard even looking in the mirror sometimes, because up to this point I was never even honest with myself. Like I would not believe that I was put through something so humiliating and perverted it broke a 7 yr old child's soul. I try to be all tough about it but then there's days like this one where I don't wanna keep it all inside of me, I wanna feed it to whoever thinks that kinda stuff is right, because it's not. If anything it's sick and you should probably get your head checked Mr. Yeah! That's right! 99.9% of the time it's men doing that kinda dirty business. Like they think it's their fucking birthright or something. And I'm ashamed of myself sometimes for being one of them. Not because of my actions, but simply because I'm a guy. No wonder why women hate men. But I'm working myself all up here. I should just do what I always do. Get hammered on smack and hope that this time I'm able to control my habbit and not even start a habbit again, because that shit's gonna hurt even more once I get dopesick..