Blah.

[outoftheflames]

Its been forever since i've updated my LJ, and going though my friends list I see that everyone is going though a rough time in their lives. I want to add something, contribute, anything to make someone feel better, But I know what I say isn't going to make the situation better. So I say to all of you, I hope things work out. Everything might seem hard and though, but it will someday pass.

Now for my own depressing entry.

I know i've changed signifigantly since 9th grade. I know this. I know I don't drink anymore. I know I don't smoke anymore, and I don't do drugs anymore. I've tried to better myself, doing things that will contrubute to a better future, not one full of mistakes and darkness. I no longer have thoughts of suicide, I no longer cut myself. So I am doing better right?

Well, I was, up until this school year started. This summer had been great, minus the whole hospital thing, but I met someone great, I was actually happy. I just forgot about the past. Its not like its going to happen again. I'm never going to see my father agian, I know, but thats good. No more hurt.

But I do know i'm going though depression. I know what the motions are. I feel like I walk though a bubble everyday at school. I smile, I act happy, but i'm not. Inside i'm screaming at myself for acting how I truly feel. But I also know how much I hate pity. I hate it so much that I act like i'm happy when i'm really not.

I know i'm going through depression because all I do is sleep. Thats all I do. I over exert myself in activies I don't even enjoy. I don't know why I do so much to impress people, because the person i'm trying the hardest to impress is myself.

I miss... me. When I gave up all of those things in 10 grade, I lost my indivudality as well. I forgot about how I used to dress the way I wanted, other then the way people wanted me to. I forgot what it was like to speak for myself, to stand up for other people. Where have I gone? Or did I ever really leave?

MR BRIGHTSIDE

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...