pleh
so, tonight as i was driving home i turned my wipers on becase it started to rain, but I didn't realize it was raining until I got home. What I'm trying to say is that I think I'm losing it. Nothing makes me feel more insane than normalcy. I seriously think that one day I am just going to snap. And leave everyone and everything. Leave leave leave. Goodbye home, and talking, and explaining, and school for no reason, friends, family, boyfriend. I just want to be alone. It's funny how I've looked for love for so long and now that it's here I just want to slap it in the face. The thing that makes me feel the most insane, is that no one would ever guess that I would ever write any of this. My life is wonderful, but sometimes it is too great. I feel like a bat. I just want to be alone in the dark for a while. And when I come out again into the light, people will be there waiting for me. And they will be relieved that I am back. They will see me. You know, when something is always there you don't see it anymore. That's often how I feel. You treat me so special. But do you really? Sometimes I think it's all bullshit. I am the pretty virgin that you think you deserve. Maybe that's all you are to me. Something I think I deserve. So what if I leave you because of these voices in my head and it turns out, they were all lies I made up? It is impossible to explain needing to escape perfection.
Maybe I need turmoil. I think I love it. I loved being alone, and sad. But I love you too.
You know what makes this hard? Little things that i could never tell you about. Like that, I never catch you looking at me when I am not looking at you. That you don't look me in the eyes, just to see what's inside. That you don't watch me sleep. That you never turn around when I am walking away. And that I do.