angels and demons
Noteworthy day...
Became terribly stressed out last night after submitting an invoice last week on a completed phase of construction. I agreed to move on to a second phase on good faith and with good people on a verbal. Last night I called to see when I could expect my payout but didn't get a response or a callback. I've been using my own funds to start the second phase and I was stretched out on material. This morning after checking my business account the stress grew until finally I reconciled to call again before spending even more of my own funds on lumber.
I talked to the PM and asked him if he knew what the hold up was...(I like him). He said he was unaware that there was a holdup, but would inquire with the client, and with their money guy, here... and get back to me. (The customer lives in the U.K.). So the morning passes and I hear nothing, I go to lunch, come back still nothing. The whole day I'm thinking about it and I'm angry. I started demonizing Dennis (the money guy) in my mind, I placed the villian hat on him, cultivated, and nurtured a poignant resentment toward him. I then began the exact same process with the PM; because he's the clients lawyer, I began to imagine that they were out to get me and the entire scenario began to play out on a path that I had been down somewhere else in my past or in my imagination...
And then I had "a moment of clarity". I caught myself creating a situation that didn't exist. I like these people, I trust them and I've given them my best and they know it. Why was I trying to ruin something that was good and fruitful ? After I caught myself and saw the situation for what it was...I let it go then resided to finish the job the best I could. I brought peace back into my mind, regained focus, and went to work in my usual dogmatic way. Not fifteen minutes later my phone rang. I answered cheerfully unaware who was calling. It was the PM calling to tell me I'd have a check by the end of the day. Not an hour later Dennis showed up with a a warm smile, a kind disposition, and a large check...and I saw something in his eyes that I recognized and love about humanity and I knew we're all in this thing together and I felt ashamed for thinking what I thought, but was glad I brought that demon back in before he cause too much damage.
"Kill all my demons, and my angels might die too."
- Tennessee Williams