don't stop thinking about tommorow.
Well I'm quasi back from our mini tour. Like I said, couldn't have
happened at a worse time in my life. But it was fun. i enjoyed myself.
Sometimes more then others, but you know you get the idea. I just didnt
really like the vibes from most of the places. Just very very quiet,
everyone has got their own business to attend to, no one exists but
themselves, and some of them electrocute kids. no kidding.
While I was on this short "tour", I had some good alone time in the van. Now the van is a very big, uncomfortable place to live (but i guess when u think that it's also a car, its pretty comfortable, for a car). And on my side of the van, there was a light, so i could see things that i could not normally see at night. Like, say....someone's face. If someone was next to me in the van at night, and i didnt have that light, i would not be able to see their face. But i had that light. So i figured, why waste it, and i picked up some books at the Barnes + Noble in New York city. And magazines.
But the book that i spent most time reading wasn't bought at Barnes and Noble, it was lent to me by my good friend and accomplished actor Scott Bartleson, in his ultimate kindness. The book was called "Lucky Man" and it is a autobiography of Michael J. Fox, telling of his entire life story, from when he was a bratty, charming teenager to when he came out as a sick member of the Parkinsons' family. I read the entire thing amidst those thousand or so miles we drove, and it got me to thinking. Thinking pretty hard about life and what the hell I'm doing and whatnot.
What the hell am I doing, going to this school?
I don't want to go, there's nothing there for me. Nothing. They will be the first to admit.
"Huh? Film and Music?? You'd better just keep on walkin, pal."
The college I'm going to is called Emmanuel College, and it was founded in 1919 as an all girls school. Five years ago they said "Fuck, we aren't gonna stop these girls", and made it co-ed. So basically the only reason any guys get in there is because there's such a low percentage of them, that the Emmanuel board jumps at the oppurtunity to enroll one. Girls they've got, they've got handfulls, but boys....oooooooh.....very rare.
So, very smart and capable young women are turned away, because dumbass men like me are accepted with open arms and balloons because they have a penis. Go fucking figure.
Is this how I want to spend the next 4 years of my life? Knowing I got into a good school that isn't for me because of some stupid technicality, and to sexually balance out the campus? No! I don't! I'd rather not be going to school, my dad give me the hundred thousand dollars he'll ultimately spend, and say, "Here, this will give you a nice jumpstart kick in the pants."
But he won't, he is making me go. Which is smart, and the right thing to do. But in the van, when I was thinking, maybe somewhere in New Jersey or Pennsylvania, I knew what I had to do:
Kick the shit out of the grades there, be as antisocial as you can be, make no connections with anyone, and then get the hell out of there like a soldier fleeing a prison camp. I'll have all my essays and applications done before I even get to Emmauel, and with the mindset of getting the hell out of there, this shouldn't be a problem. Of course, I will be in Boston, and I will have the urge to throw it all away and go for the ride. But it isn't ultimately who I am. I do not belong there. I visited there. I felt very unwelcome and i did not fit in at all. This is why I do not fit in:
80 percent are girls who all went to private school.
20 are idiot guys who are just going becuase they got in.
NO MAN WHO IS GOING THERE MADE THAT THEIR FIRST CHOICE. THEY ARE GOING BY FORCE. THEY HAVE BEEN KICKED INTO GOING THERE.
This is depressing, and it depresses me further that most of these 20 percent will probably stay there for four years. I have got to fucking break the mold and leave that place as fast as I can. I am not cut out for it, and I know it. I've gotta do something. Fast.
While I was on this short "tour", I had some good alone time in the van. Now the van is a very big, uncomfortable place to live (but i guess when u think that it's also a car, its pretty comfortable, for a car). And on my side of the van, there was a light, so i could see things that i could not normally see at night. Like, say....someone's face. If someone was next to me in the van at night, and i didnt have that light, i would not be able to see their face. But i had that light. So i figured, why waste it, and i picked up some books at the Barnes + Noble in New York city. And magazines.
But the book that i spent most time reading wasn't bought at Barnes and Noble, it was lent to me by my good friend and accomplished actor Scott Bartleson, in his ultimate kindness. The book was called "Lucky Man" and it is a autobiography of Michael J. Fox, telling of his entire life story, from when he was a bratty, charming teenager to when he came out as a sick member of the Parkinsons' family. I read the entire thing amidst those thousand or so miles we drove, and it got me to thinking. Thinking pretty hard about life and what the hell I'm doing and whatnot.
What the hell am I doing, going to this school?
I don't want to go, there's nothing there for me. Nothing. They will be the first to admit.
"Huh? Film and Music?? You'd better just keep on walkin, pal."
The college I'm going to is called Emmanuel College, and it was founded in 1919 as an all girls school. Five years ago they said "Fuck, we aren't gonna stop these girls", and made it co-ed. So basically the only reason any guys get in there is because there's such a low percentage of them, that the Emmanuel board jumps at the oppurtunity to enroll one. Girls they've got, they've got handfulls, but boys....oooooooh.....very rare.
So, very smart and capable young women are turned away, because dumbass men like me are accepted with open arms and balloons because they have a penis. Go fucking figure.
Is this how I want to spend the next 4 years of my life? Knowing I got into a good school that isn't for me because of some stupid technicality, and to sexually balance out the campus? No! I don't! I'd rather not be going to school, my dad give me the hundred thousand dollars he'll ultimately spend, and say, "Here, this will give you a nice jumpstart kick in the pants."
But he won't, he is making me go. Which is smart, and the right thing to do. But in the van, when I was thinking, maybe somewhere in New Jersey or Pennsylvania, I knew what I had to do:
Kick the shit out of the grades there, be as antisocial as you can be, make no connections with anyone, and then get the hell out of there like a soldier fleeing a prison camp. I'll have all my essays and applications done before I even get to Emmauel, and with the mindset of getting the hell out of there, this shouldn't be a problem. Of course, I will be in Boston, and I will have the urge to throw it all away and go for the ride. But it isn't ultimately who I am. I do not belong there. I visited there. I felt very unwelcome and i did not fit in at all. This is why I do not fit in:
80 percent are girls who all went to private school.
20 are idiot guys who are just going becuase they got in.
NO MAN WHO IS GOING THERE MADE THAT THEIR FIRST CHOICE. THEY ARE GOING BY FORCE. THEY HAVE BEEN KICKED INTO GOING THERE.
This is depressing, and it depresses me further that most of these 20 percent will probably stay there for four years. I have got to fucking break the mold and leave that place as fast as I can. I am not cut out for it, and I know it. I've gotta do something. Fast.