[oneshot] A Closure...When 5 Became 2.
Title: A Closure...When 5 Became 2.
Pairing: HoMin. With JaeYooSu hovering in the dark.
Rating: PG.
Genre: Bittersweet.
Summary: When Yunho and Changmin finally speak to each other about it.
A/N: It has been years since I last wrote. About Yunjae, about DBSK. I wrote this without a plan, without knowing I would be writing and finishing it. I just wrote this, a while ago, in one sitting. This oneshot is not about Yunjae, so I don't find it appropriate to post it in a Yunjae community, which I used to always do so. In fact, I decided not to post it in any community. This oneshot has come pretty late for me, and it is so personal that I shall just share it in my page. I wonder who will be reading this, since I haven't ben posting for years, haha. But still...
It was tough to write about DBSK again. Being a fan since 2004, DBSK is an important part of my growing up. And through them, I discovered my passion of writing, and met many many awesome people in the fandom. Amazing.
I thought I would never write again after Pandora's Box. I have finished Pandora's Box with great pain after it had happened in 2009. I feel that I need a closure, not to forget them, but to resolve this...DBSK-issue within me.
I still love my boys, and I will always do. They are too much of a part of me to not love.
All the best to the 5 of you, regardless of the paths you have chosen, with or without each other. I love you, DBSK. Thank you for being with me for the past ten years. Saranghae.
Jung Yunho thinks that he needs a closure to it.
He stares at a fanart of Always Keep the Faith, something which he has seen lesser and lesser of it as months and years have passed.
Have their fans moved on, too?
He stares at the Polaroid photos he has swept them all deep in the drawer, away from sight. Despite the turmoil of emotions he has felt when it has happened, deep down inside, he still didn’t bear to discard them.
He closes his eyes as if in pain, and shuts the drawer again, returning the photos to the darkness.
Sometimes, Yunho wonders why things turn out to be the way they are now.
The “SM curse” the netizens have been circulating for years…he has scoffed at the idea. He has believed they were way bigger than some fictitious curse. He thought TVXQ, DBSK, THSK, would be forever.
Yes, TVXQ is still alive, survived by him and Changmin.
Yunho was angry. He was beyond furious when it happened. He knows Changmin has felt the same way too. They didn’t say out loud to each other; no, they would not admit out loud. But the feeling of betrayal and abandonment were there. They were like poison, gnawing on their souls, leaving behind traces of blackness and a taste of lingering bitterness in their mouths.
He couldn’t bear being anywhere near the office. He couldn’t bear looking at the stage. He has even avoided the television and the internet like they were hellhounds.
He has felt the maddening red of hatred sprouting fiercely in his heart. He didn’t want to understand them, because they have hurt him and Changmin!
And gradually, he has turned this poisoning hatred towards himself.
He has failed as a leader of the group. He has failed as a friend. He has failed as a brother.
All the pride that he has known; all the sweats and time and effort and sunshine laughter and brotherly comrade love… they were all gone. Burst, like bubbles.
There was even a period when Yunho has loathed the Jung Yunho who has failed, terribly.
He had lived the long and dark period in darkness. He had even feared meeting people. He felt that everyone who saw him was judging him, reprimanding him. He was at his lowest point in life.
And now… …
* * *
Yunho looks at Changmin on his Macbook, he tries to figure out if his dongsaeng has moved on too.
“… Hyung.” Changmin finally looks up, brows furrow together, perplexed. “Do you mind telling me why the heck have you been staring at my face for the whole of the morning? I know I am handsome, but.” He gives what Yunho thinks is an irritating smirk, “I have absolutely no interest in someone who is structured physically the same way as I --”
A bag is thrown over at the smugly man.
“Yah, hyung!” Changmin catches it in an instance. “Don’t you know that my bag contains fragile items?”
Yunho rolls his eyes. Indeed. All the ---
“OK, hyung, spill.” The younger yet taller man puts his bag in a safe corner, throws his body into the sofa beside his hyung and nudges his shoulder. “What has gotten into you? You are totally… restless - spacing out - soulless - whatever, since morning. What is it? Menopause, uh? ”
“Yah, Shim Changmin!” Yunho sticks an elbow into Changmin’s ribcage. “You --- …” And then he pauses. What is he going to say? Is he really planning on asking him?
The younger man’s face turns serious. “Hyung, what? You are worrying me. Come on, tell the always-reliable Shim Changmin what is troubling you.”
“… Changmin ah,” Yunho takes a silent deep breath and licks his bottom lip. “Recently… I have been thinking… stuff.”
“… Uh huh.” He raises a brow.
“…”
“SPIT.” Devil Shim narrows his brows and squint his eyes dangerously.
“We never really talk about… it. Them, I mean.” Yunho clears his throat because he feels that he has to. “I was all over the place, we were all over the place, and we just… didn’t talk about how we feel about… them.”
Changmin is silent.
“Pieces of my heart were all over the place.” Yunho looks down and whispers. “The dorm, the practice room, the soju house, the Han River, the… ” He sighs deeply. “I ---”
“Hyung, is that why you said that in the interview? You mentioned… him.” The younger man struggles to keep a nonchalant face.
“Yeah. Yeah, I did.” Yunho rubs his face once. “I did. Lately… I have been thinking. I was wondering, actually. About us, about them, about us.” Yunho cracks a bitter smile. “It still hurts, you know, Changmin ah. It still hurts, just a little, to refer you and me as us, and the three of them as they.”
“So? That is the truth now. We have nothing to do with them already.” Changmin speaks the words in a near-spat. “They are the ones who have left. They didn’t want to be us anymore.”
Yunho looks into his dongsaeng’s darken eyes. Only the closest could detect the slight glint of pain flashing in those orbs. He knows such eyes betraying such pain. He used to see it everyday in the mirror since it has happened. And before it has happened, he… has always noticed such pain flashing in his Boo’s eyes. But he hadn’t press further when Jaejoong shunned away from his questioning.
“Min,” Yunho pulls the younger man into a hug. He can almost feel the slight trembles of the other man. “They have simply chosen another path for themselves. A path which doesn’t involve you and me. I know it hurts, so much, that you rather live without the heart.”
Slowly, Changmin looks up with searching pained orbs. “And you are OK now, hyung?” He whispers, “Have you forgiven them already? How did you---” Changmin shakes his head, unable to continue.
“… I don’t know, Min. I don’t know.” Yunho feels his throat closing. “I don’t know how to feel, and I don’t know what I am feeling. But the truth is; I miss us. I miss them. I miss the days when it was 5 instead of 2. I… I thought we would be forever…” He takes a deep, long, trembling breath. “… Forever. Yeah. But it didn’t. I, I was beyond furious when it has happened. We both were, are. Felt betrayed. And anger. And I feel bad for not being there for you when it happened.”
“No hyung, no.” Changmin reaches for his hand and squeezes it tight. “You couldn’t, and I couldn’t too. I did not, and still don’t blame you at all. OK, maybe just a little in the past, but I wasn’t me when I felt that way about you.”
Yunho squeezes his hand back. “I just wanted to run away from everything then.” Yunho bites his bottom lip. “I felt like a failure. I have failed as a leader, as a friend, as a brother. I felt that our future was bleak when it happened. I couldn’t forgive them, and I couldn’t forgive myself.”
Changmin shakes his head slowly, lips pursed.
“I know, Min, I know.” Yunho gives a small smile. That is how much he can manage now. “We, you and me, are alike in so many ways. We hide our pain and wounds from each other. We prefer to lick our wounds in secret. And so we lost the chance to… openly talk about this with each other. To heal each other.”
“Hyung?” Changmin’s eyes of insecurity betrays him. “Don’t scare me, hyung.”
Yunho actually laughs, albeit softly. “No, Min. Not what you are worrying about now. I am fine; we are going to be forever, as long as you still want me.” He smiles when he sees Changmin relaxes instantly.
“I just wish to…talk to you about this. You are the only person in the world with whom I want to talk to about… them. Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu.”
There, he has finally said their names out loud.
“I miss them, Min. I don’t know how I should be feeling now, but I do miss them. Don’t you, Changmin ah? Don’t you miss your hyungs too?”
Changmin bites his lip, refuses to speak.
“I am actually feeling happy now for them. I still feel sad and lonely, but the anger has seemed to fade and die. All that is left now is missing them.” Yunho shakes his head. “Min… I, you, we, need a closure. We do, really.”
“… What are you planning to do then, hyung?” Changmin’s brows come together into worry.
“I want to resume contact with them again. I want to see them, I want to meet them, I want to kick them, and I want to hug them.”
Yunho places both hands on his dongsaeng’s shoulders and looks straight into his eyes. “Follow me, Changmin. Come.”
The younger man opens his mouth, only to shut it tight again. He shifts uneasily.
“Trust me, Min.” Yunho grabs him into a big, tight hug. “Trust us, yes?”
Changmin takes one long, deep breath and closes his eyes. He returns the hug equally hard.
“Yes.”
____________________________________________________________________
Pairing: HoMin. With JaeYooSu hovering in the dark.
Rating: PG.
Genre: Bittersweet.
Summary: When Yunho and Changmin finally speak to each other about it.
A/N: It has been years since I last wrote. About Yunjae, about DBSK. I wrote this without a plan, without knowing I would be writing and finishing it. I just wrote this, a while ago, in one sitting. This oneshot is not about Yunjae, so I don't find it appropriate to post it in a Yunjae community, which I used to always do so. In fact, I decided not to post it in any community. This oneshot has come pretty late for me, and it is so personal that I shall just share it in my page. I wonder who will be reading this, since I haven't ben posting for years, haha. But still...
It was tough to write about DBSK again. Being a fan since 2004, DBSK is an important part of my growing up. And through them, I discovered my passion of writing, and met many many awesome people in the fandom. Amazing.
I thought I would never write again after Pandora's Box. I have finished Pandora's Box with great pain after it had happened in 2009. I feel that I need a closure, not to forget them, but to resolve this...DBSK-issue within me.
I still love my boys, and I will always do. They are too much of a part of me to not love.
All the best to the 5 of you, regardless of the paths you have chosen, with or without each other. I love you, DBSK. Thank you for being with me for the past ten years. Saranghae.
Jung Yunho thinks that he needs a closure to it.
He stares at a fanart of Always Keep the Faith, something which he has seen lesser and lesser of it as months and years have passed.
Have their fans moved on, too?
He stares at the Polaroid photos he has swept them all deep in the drawer, away from sight. Despite the turmoil of emotions he has felt when it has happened, deep down inside, he still didn’t bear to discard them.
He closes his eyes as if in pain, and shuts the drawer again, returning the photos to the darkness.
Sometimes, Yunho wonders why things turn out to be the way they are now.
The “SM curse” the netizens have been circulating for years…he has scoffed at the idea. He has believed they were way bigger than some fictitious curse. He thought TVXQ, DBSK, THSK, would be forever.
Yes, TVXQ is still alive, survived by him and Changmin.
Yunho was angry. He was beyond furious when it happened. He knows Changmin has felt the same way too. They didn’t say out loud to each other; no, they would not admit out loud. But the feeling of betrayal and abandonment were there. They were like poison, gnawing on their souls, leaving behind traces of blackness and a taste of lingering bitterness in their mouths.
He couldn’t bear being anywhere near the office. He couldn’t bear looking at the stage. He has even avoided the television and the internet like they were hellhounds.
He has felt the maddening red of hatred sprouting fiercely in his heart. He didn’t want to understand them, because they have hurt him and Changmin!
And gradually, he has turned this poisoning hatred towards himself.
He has failed as a leader of the group. He has failed as a friend. He has failed as a brother.
All the pride that he has known; all the sweats and time and effort and sunshine laughter and brotherly comrade love… they were all gone. Burst, like bubbles.
There was even a period when Yunho has loathed the Jung Yunho who has failed, terribly.
He had lived the long and dark period in darkness. He had even feared meeting people. He felt that everyone who saw him was judging him, reprimanding him. He was at his lowest point in life.
And now… …
* * *
Yunho looks at Changmin on his Macbook, he tries to figure out if his dongsaeng has moved on too.
“… Hyung.” Changmin finally looks up, brows furrow together, perplexed. “Do you mind telling me why the heck have you been staring at my face for the whole of the morning? I know I am handsome, but.” He gives what Yunho thinks is an irritating smirk, “I have absolutely no interest in someone who is structured physically the same way as I --”
A bag is thrown over at the smugly man.
“Yah, hyung!” Changmin catches it in an instance. “Don’t you know that my bag contains fragile items?”
Yunho rolls his eyes. Indeed. All the ---
“OK, hyung, spill.” The younger yet taller man puts his bag in a safe corner, throws his body into the sofa beside his hyung and nudges his shoulder. “What has gotten into you? You are totally… restless - spacing out - soulless - whatever, since morning. What is it? Menopause, uh? ”
“Yah, Shim Changmin!” Yunho sticks an elbow into Changmin’s ribcage. “You --- …” And then he pauses. What is he going to say? Is he really planning on asking him?
The younger man’s face turns serious. “Hyung, what? You are worrying me. Come on, tell the always-reliable Shim Changmin what is troubling you.”
“… Changmin ah,” Yunho takes a silent deep breath and licks his bottom lip. “Recently… I have been thinking… stuff.”
“… Uh huh.” He raises a brow.
“…”
“SPIT.” Devil Shim narrows his brows and squint his eyes dangerously.
“We never really talk about… it. Them, I mean.” Yunho clears his throat because he feels that he has to. “I was all over the place, we were all over the place, and we just… didn’t talk about how we feel about… them.”
Changmin is silent.
“Pieces of my heart were all over the place.” Yunho looks down and whispers. “The dorm, the practice room, the soju house, the Han River, the… ” He sighs deeply. “I ---”
“Hyung, is that why you said that in the interview? You mentioned… him.” The younger man struggles to keep a nonchalant face.
“Yeah. Yeah, I did.” Yunho rubs his face once. “I did. Lately… I have been thinking. I was wondering, actually. About us, about them, about us.” Yunho cracks a bitter smile. “It still hurts, you know, Changmin ah. It still hurts, just a little, to refer you and me as us, and the three of them as they.”
“So? That is the truth now. We have nothing to do with them already.” Changmin speaks the words in a near-spat. “They are the ones who have left. They didn’t want to be us anymore.”
Yunho looks into his dongsaeng’s darken eyes. Only the closest could detect the slight glint of pain flashing in those orbs. He knows such eyes betraying such pain. He used to see it everyday in the mirror since it has happened. And before it has happened, he… has always noticed such pain flashing in his Boo’s eyes. But he hadn’t press further when Jaejoong shunned away from his questioning.
“Min,” Yunho pulls the younger man into a hug. He can almost feel the slight trembles of the other man. “They have simply chosen another path for themselves. A path which doesn’t involve you and me. I know it hurts, so much, that you rather live without the heart.”
Slowly, Changmin looks up with searching pained orbs. “And you are OK now, hyung?” He whispers, “Have you forgiven them already? How did you---” Changmin shakes his head, unable to continue.
“… I don’t know, Min. I don’t know.” Yunho feels his throat closing. “I don’t know how to feel, and I don’t know what I am feeling. But the truth is; I miss us. I miss them. I miss the days when it was 5 instead of 2. I… I thought we would be forever…” He takes a deep, long, trembling breath. “… Forever. Yeah. But it didn’t. I, I was beyond furious when it has happened. We both were, are. Felt betrayed. And anger. And I feel bad for not being there for you when it happened.”
“No hyung, no.” Changmin reaches for his hand and squeezes it tight. “You couldn’t, and I couldn’t too. I did not, and still don’t blame you at all. OK, maybe just a little in the past, but I wasn’t me when I felt that way about you.”
Yunho squeezes his hand back. “I just wanted to run away from everything then.” Yunho bites his bottom lip. “I felt like a failure. I have failed as a leader, as a friend, as a brother. I felt that our future was bleak when it happened. I couldn’t forgive them, and I couldn’t forgive myself.”
Changmin shakes his head slowly, lips pursed.
“I know, Min, I know.” Yunho gives a small smile. That is how much he can manage now. “We, you and me, are alike in so many ways. We hide our pain and wounds from each other. We prefer to lick our wounds in secret. And so we lost the chance to… openly talk about this with each other. To heal each other.”
“Hyung?” Changmin’s eyes of insecurity betrays him. “Don’t scare me, hyung.”
Yunho actually laughs, albeit softly. “No, Min. Not what you are worrying about now. I am fine; we are going to be forever, as long as you still want me.” He smiles when he sees Changmin relaxes instantly.
“I just wish to…talk to you about this. You are the only person in the world with whom I want to talk to about… them. Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu.”
There, he has finally said their names out loud.
“I miss them, Min. I don’t know how I should be feeling now, but I do miss them. Don’t you, Changmin ah? Don’t you miss your hyungs too?”
Changmin bites his lip, refuses to speak.
“I am actually feeling happy now for them. I still feel sad and lonely, but the anger has seemed to fade and die. All that is left now is missing them.” Yunho shakes his head. “Min… I, you, we, need a closure. We do, really.”
“… What are you planning to do then, hyung?” Changmin’s brows come together into worry.
“I want to resume contact with them again. I want to see them, I want to meet them, I want to kick them, and I want to hug them.”
Yunho places both hands on his dongsaeng’s shoulders and looks straight into his eyes. “Follow me, Changmin. Come.”
The younger man opens his mouth, only to shut it tight again. He shifts uneasily.
“Trust me, Min.” Yunho grabs him into a big, tight hug. “Trust us, yes?”
Changmin takes one long, deep breath and closes his eyes. He returns the hug equally hard.
“Yes.”
____________________________________________________________________