(no subject)
provisionally. hopefully. maybe. there has to be.
how to transition from an ambivalent, taken for granted present to a grammatical past tense?
words do little. tear ducts have yet to register, recognize, relay this lost smile, lost wit, lost warmth.
u were doing so well. were.
november feels like yesterday...we hugged, talked about china...u were laughing, smiling, radiant. were.
u couldn't get angry, upset...there was little for us to pity, sympathize, grow anxious about. u gave us no reason to believe u wouldn't be there with us at the pub, clinking glasses to another rousing cheers.
the tear ducts have registered...recognized.
i can't approach this any less coolly, crudely, cluelessly...there is no solace for me but the past tense, nostalgia, failing memory. nothing but frigid reason, logic, pragmatism.
i was your pumpkin, sweetie.
there is no appreciation of this event, no greater context, no lessons to be learned that will resort in some cliche about the value of living every second; there is only frustration, anger, hopelessness.
i can't feign love, immediateness, closeness, presence...perhaps that is the frustration, anger, hoplessness. the sudden proximity in which u ("u"?) find urself ("urself"?) in my ("my"?) consciousness - wrought from a play of absences, partitions, enclosures - disrupts my entirety with shootings pangs of guilt.
i'm sure u'd tell me to get over it. stop being silly pookie.
without heaven to appeal to, i've only a tearful farewell.
bye judy, ur sweetness and kindness extend far.
bye judy.
how to transition from an ambivalent, taken for granted present to a grammatical past tense?
words do little. tear ducts have yet to register, recognize, relay this lost smile, lost wit, lost warmth.
u were doing so well. were.
november feels like yesterday...we hugged, talked about china...u were laughing, smiling, radiant. were.
u couldn't get angry, upset...there was little for us to pity, sympathize, grow anxious about. u gave us no reason to believe u wouldn't be there with us at the pub, clinking glasses to another rousing cheers.
the tear ducts have registered...recognized.
i can't approach this any less coolly, crudely, cluelessly...there is no solace for me but the past tense, nostalgia, failing memory. nothing but frigid reason, logic, pragmatism.
i was your pumpkin, sweetie.
there is no appreciation of this event, no greater context, no lessons to be learned that will resort in some cliche about the value of living every second; there is only frustration, anger, hopelessness.
i can't feign love, immediateness, closeness, presence...perhaps that is the frustration, anger, hoplessness. the sudden proximity in which u ("u"?) find urself ("urself"?) in my ("my"?) consciousness - wrought from a play of absences, partitions, enclosures - disrupts my entirety with shootings pangs of guilt.
i'm sure u'd tell me to get over it. stop being silly pookie.
without heaven to appeal to, i've only a tearful farewell.
bye judy, ur sweetness and kindness extend far.
bye judy.