dear you,
there are so many things i wish i could say to you, but i know i cannot. i mean i could, but why would i want to jeopardize our friendship for my reckless emotions? it is hard enough for me to keep my feelings in check. what would i do if we could not even be friends? you are on of the few people who can make me happy. one of the few who can make me feel worth something. you can also make me feel worthless. you ignoring me is one of the most painful things i have ever felt. i wish it did not hurt this much. everything would be so much easier if it did not. i am not entirely sure what to think when you ignore me in public but pay so much attention to me otherwise. it is not public as a whole, i have found. it is just certain people around whom you refuse to acknowledge my existence. i could care less about her. we are still friends, and you still suck for acting like i am not even around. i know i am not everything she has always been to you, and i do not want to be. at all. i just want to know what you are thinking. what you were thinking. i want to know if i am completely crazy for thinking these things about you. for thinking you might think these things too. even if it is only a bit. i want to know even if you do not feel it. i want to get over you. at times, i wish i had never met you. i think things would be much easier. it is easier to let go when you never even had something. part of me wants to think i was better off watching you from afar, remaining in my sphere of existence and you in yours. but the bigger part of me knows that i have never met someone quite like you. well, i have, but you make up for what he lacked. it is unfortunate. i wish you did not. i wish i wish i wish. i have no fucking clue what i wish. i wish i did not have this knot in my throat or this pain in my chest. i wish my eyes were not throbbing. i wish you were mine. but would i be happy? do you mean all the things you say when we talk about the future and our secrets and the situations that we wish would be? would you really like to spend so much time alone with me? would really like to remember me forever? how the hell should i know? should i even believe you? you are a fucking charmer. you seek attention. but you also maintain a measure of sincerity. which parts are sincere? again, how the hell should i know? there are a million other girls who are prettier, smarter, funnier, happier than i am. they adore you and you would adore them. you have one who does already. so where does that leave me? i am still confused. i still wish you would choose me. it is almost like applying to college. you hope you have something that everyone else does not. something that sets you apart. pick me. pick me. you do not need to pick me. just make me smile one last time and disappear. i will be fine. just make me smile. i think you would be upset if you knew i cried over you. you do not like crying. you say you cannot handle crying. i think it makes you sad to see other people being sad. i do not want you to know that i am sad. i do not want you to have any idea about any of this. i just want it to be over. i just want it to go away. but i do not know if i could deal with you going away.