you are much too much for me
these are the kinds of things i think about during physics instead of...well...phsyics...
i am becoming increasingly apathetic, and i find this mildly alarming. i am not apathetic toward my conquests. i am apathetic toward others. i have lived the vast majority of my life thus far with others' priorities and reactions in mind. i thought of pleasing and disappointing others to such an extent that i only disappointed myself. i feel almost insentient. i no longer take value from words of praise, frail compliments. i obviously don't communicate well with others, so people do not see my priorities; the do not understand my path. i am tired of trying to impress people who do not even see where i am headed. it is a futile path of pursuit. i cannot impress people who only see my steps as short comings. not only am i exhausted by the way people view my accomplishments, i am exhausted by the way people view my personality. i am exhausted by people who demand explanations for my actions, by the people who cannot accept human err. i do not need to justify my morals and personal decisions to people who have no clout in my growth. why should i kill myself apologizing for failure when you have done nothing to improve my chance of success? i am tired of hurting people's feelings and becoming sick at the thought. i could apologize one hundred times over, but i never hear one word begging absolution when my heart is broken. i am left to ache yet expected to get on my knees. i choose to abandon this hypocrisy of humanity. sacrifice is not hurting to give others cheap comfort.
in other words, i don't care how you feel anymore. any of you. all of you. but i don't say this to be harsh. i say it out of exhaustion. i am exhausted by the histrionics.
i am becoming increasingly apathetic, and i find this mildly alarming. i am not apathetic toward my conquests. i am apathetic toward others. i have lived the vast majority of my life thus far with others' priorities and reactions in mind. i thought of pleasing and disappointing others to such an extent that i only disappointed myself. i feel almost insentient. i no longer take value from words of praise, frail compliments. i obviously don't communicate well with others, so people do not see my priorities; the do not understand my path. i am tired of trying to impress people who do not even see where i am headed. it is a futile path of pursuit. i cannot impress people who only see my steps as short comings. not only am i exhausted by the way people view my accomplishments, i am exhausted by the way people view my personality. i am exhausted by people who demand explanations for my actions, by the people who cannot accept human err. i do not need to justify my morals and personal decisions to people who have no clout in my growth. why should i kill myself apologizing for failure when you have done nothing to improve my chance of success? i am tired of hurting people's feelings and becoming sick at the thought. i could apologize one hundred times over, but i never hear one word begging absolution when my heart is broken. i am left to ache yet expected to get on my knees. i choose to abandon this hypocrisy of humanity. sacrifice is not hurting to give others cheap comfort.
in other words, i don't care how you feel anymore. any of you. all of you. but i don't say this to be harsh. i say it out of exhaustion. i am exhausted by the histrionics.