shut
i hate caring about stupid shit that shouldnt bother me.
i hate that i keep having these epic, vivid dreams that haunt me all day long.
i hate that i dont understand what emotions i'm feeling right now
and i fucking HATE being condescended to.
thats all that keeps happening. everyone lectures me.
i have learned that people are exremely easy to read, even when they try to cover it up. people change their points of views to seem to parralell yours, but then turn it around to make it seem like the reason you believe what you believe is because THEY told you about it. like THEY taught you. and dont act like you know things you dont. if you just learned it, acknowledge it, dont pretend to be WELL AWARE.
i'm so insanely frustrated with everything going on. money. living. work. russians. boys. dreams.
and people who keep talking down to me.
people keep using words and they dont realize that words arent the answer. dont give me words to make things better. i feel so alone right now and all the time. i cannot count on anyone. i've grown up thinking there's always someone there to rely on, but that was not true. some people act like its ok to them, they already know this because they're much more mature and smarter than i am. but they're simply naive and unable to relate because they, in fact, have no idea what i could possibly mean BECAUSE they arent feeling these things yet becuase they ARENT quite where i am in life now.
i fucking KNOW how temporary life is. Lakeville was temporary. Chadds ford was temporary. Pets are temporary. Marriages are temporary. Taunton was temporary. Friends are temporary. High school- temporary. Emerson. CCRI. France. Netherlands. Martha's vineyard. Pentimento. sunburns. Mad Martha's. Emotions. Contentment. Adolescence. money. Life.
i think it really hit when i had that dream. about grandpa teddy. i realized that life DOES end. and it CAN'T go back to the way it was and no matter how hard anyone tries life isnt want you want it to be all the time.
i
am
not
happy.
....................i need a hug so bad.
i hate that i keep having these epic, vivid dreams that haunt me all day long.
i hate that i dont understand what emotions i'm feeling right now
and i fucking HATE being condescended to.
thats all that keeps happening. everyone lectures me.
i have learned that people are exremely easy to read, even when they try to cover it up. people change their points of views to seem to parralell yours, but then turn it around to make it seem like the reason you believe what you believe is because THEY told you about it. like THEY taught you. and dont act like you know things you dont. if you just learned it, acknowledge it, dont pretend to be WELL AWARE.
i'm so insanely frustrated with everything going on. money. living. work. russians. boys. dreams.
and people who keep talking down to me.
people keep using words and they dont realize that words arent the answer. dont give me words to make things better. i feel so alone right now and all the time. i cannot count on anyone. i've grown up thinking there's always someone there to rely on, but that was not true. some people act like its ok to them, they already know this because they're much more mature and smarter than i am. but they're simply naive and unable to relate because they, in fact, have no idea what i could possibly mean BECAUSE they arent feeling these things yet becuase they ARENT quite where i am in life now.
i fucking KNOW how temporary life is. Lakeville was temporary. Chadds ford was temporary. Pets are temporary. Marriages are temporary. Taunton was temporary. Friends are temporary. High school- temporary. Emerson. CCRI. France. Netherlands. Martha's vineyard. Pentimento. sunburns. Mad Martha's. Emotions. Contentment. Adolescence. money. Life.
i think it really hit when i had that dream. about grandpa teddy. i realized that life DOES end. and it CAN'T go back to the way it was and no matter how hard anyone tries life isnt want you want it to be all the time.
i
am
not
happy.
....................i need a hug so bad.