(no subject)
There is this adolescent.
For some reason, he has turned a blind eye on a vital feeling.
The need to prove ones self.
This adolescent felt that as long as his intentions got across, the assignment wasn't that important. The fact that he put in, what he deemed to be, a significant amount of effort was what mattered most.
This adolescent failed to complete his work, on a regular basis throughout high-school.
This adolescent decided that if only the work presented to him was engaging and interesting, that he could start, finish, and blow away any task posed.
This adolescent then managed to convince not only himself, but important people around him, that since the private high school education surrounding him was difficult and dull, he was failing due to a lack of interest. Solely.
He cited that at a one RISD summer program, he was happy, completed all work in a timely manner, and for the first time felt alive.
No.
He completed all work in a timely manner for the first four weeks. Then in the fifth week he began to quickly unravel. Just like every fifth week, after every vacation from school, of every year in high school.
It is true that he felt alive: but this was due to Providence being a spectacular new place that was home to many spectacular new people that summer.
The amazing personal social relations this adolescent formed throughout all six weeks must have been the reason he never saw the academic self-implosion for what it was. The people were without a doubt incredible - No?
No. This was not it either. This adolescent's relationships (as it is now becoming alarmingly clear) have also followed the exact same self-destructive pattern.
This adolescent upon the writing of these fears is starting to understand how shockingly inter-connected everything is now.
He can even now recall horrible examples in his past when he unconsciously, yet with frightening efficiency, created lies and believed them so willingly; never even entertaining the thought of how unhealthy he was, (not to mention the process of denial he was perpetuating).
This adolescent has been Flat. Out. Lying to himself for the past several years, if not all his life.
How many school days did he only recently miss solely on the account of reluctant parents allowing him to catch up on an increasing pile of incomplete school-work?
How many sleepless nights were spent doing nothing productive only to pass out exhausted frustrated, and frightfully anxious, only hours before he was expected to rise for class.
At every suggestion from his father (among others) that this certain adolescent's antics and necessity-to-be-different may actually be coy excuses to escape real work and the real world, he unknowingly ignorantly and immaturely ignored (hows that for an alliteration) any such comment. How could a Father understand this adolescent? No one could understand this unique and special snowflake. Remember; you are unique... just like everybody else.
It only now occurs to this adolescent that a lifetime of lies only fostered and strengthened more lies which became so indistinguishable from the truth even he couldn't accurately tell the difference. He began “innocently” enough with a childhood obsession with “stealing” whatever object was of particular interest, from a friend's swim-goggles, to a cousin's toy train, to even emptying his own weekly church offering envelope while out of sight; then lying straight-away about what he did, or worse, justifying his crimes to his readily accepting self.
Upon greater reflection of his past, he is frightened by the seemingly countless, and previously unknown “truths” if you will.
It's almost...everything. Every (failed) relationship. Every (failed) assignment. Every memory. It is all woven with lies.
How has this problem grown so horrendously out of control?! Why has it taken this adolescent until now to realize his grave mistake(s)? What person knows such answers.
The most important thing to do now involves no less than advice from the Dalai Lamma himself:
“When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.”
I'll be doing my best. This adolescent owes it to each and every one he has ever met. If nothing else; I owe it to myself.
For some reason, he has turned a blind eye on a vital feeling.
The need to prove ones self.
This adolescent felt that as long as his intentions got across, the assignment wasn't that important. The fact that he put in, what he deemed to be, a significant amount of effort was what mattered most.
This adolescent failed to complete his work, on a regular basis throughout high-school.
This adolescent decided that if only the work presented to him was engaging and interesting, that he could start, finish, and blow away any task posed.
This adolescent then managed to convince not only himself, but important people around him, that since the private high school education surrounding him was difficult and dull, he was failing due to a lack of interest. Solely.
He cited that at a one RISD summer program, he was happy, completed all work in a timely manner, and for the first time felt alive.
No.
He completed all work in a timely manner for the first four weeks. Then in the fifth week he began to quickly unravel. Just like every fifth week, after every vacation from school, of every year in high school.
It is true that he felt alive: but this was due to Providence being a spectacular new place that was home to many spectacular new people that summer.
The amazing personal social relations this adolescent formed throughout all six weeks must have been the reason he never saw the academic self-implosion for what it was. The people were without a doubt incredible - No?
No. This was not it either. This adolescent's relationships (as it is now becoming alarmingly clear) have also followed the exact same self-destructive pattern.
This adolescent upon the writing of these fears is starting to understand how shockingly inter-connected everything is now.
He can even now recall horrible examples in his past when he unconsciously, yet with frightening efficiency, created lies and believed them so willingly; never even entertaining the thought of how unhealthy he was, (not to mention the process of denial he was perpetuating).
This adolescent has been Flat. Out. Lying to himself for the past several years, if not all his life.
How many school days did he only recently miss solely on the account of reluctant parents allowing him to catch up on an increasing pile of incomplete school-work?
How many sleepless nights were spent doing nothing productive only to pass out exhausted frustrated, and frightfully anxious, only hours before he was expected to rise for class.
At every suggestion from his father (among others) that this certain adolescent's antics and necessity-to-be-different may actually be coy excuses to escape real work and the real world, he unknowingly ignorantly and immaturely ignored (hows that for an alliteration) any such comment. How could a Father understand this adolescent? No one could understand this unique and special snowflake. Remember; you are unique... just like everybody else.
It only now occurs to this adolescent that a lifetime of lies only fostered and strengthened more lies which became so indistinguishable from the truth even he couldn't accurately tell the difference. He began “innocently” enough with a childhood obsession with “stealing” whatever object was of particular interest, from a friend's swim-goggles, to a cousin's toy train, to even emptying his own weekly church offering envelope while out of sight; then lying straight-away about what he did, or worse, justifying his crimes to his readily accepting self.
Upon greater reflection of his past, he is frightened by the seemingly countless, and previously unknown “truths” if you will.
It's almost...everything. Every (failed) relationship. Every (failed) assignment. Every memory. It is all woven with lies.
How has this problem grown so horrendously out of control?! Why has it taken this adolescent until now to realize his grave mistake(s)? What person knows such answers.
The most important thing to do now involves no less than advice from the Dalai Lamma himself:
“When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.”
I'll be doing my best. This adolescent owes it to each and every one he has ever met. If nothing else; I owe it to myself.