(no subject)
I never write here. Well, rarely. But when I do write here, it's about something frivolous and insignificant (save the entry before last) and I'm beginning to wonder why I have this at all. Is it to remember the good times that I've had stalking OUSBPs? That's about the best answer I can come up with. I think I'm going to abandon hope for myself and writing in this. There's no point anymore. But it is a good fall back kinda thing for sleepless nights such as this one.
Earlier I was reading for English, and I came to the conclusion that I probably wouldn't have much trouble if, for some reason, I ever became bedridden. My mind has this unthinkably strong tendency to wander no matter what I'm doing. Sometimes it can be interesting or even fun. Like when I'm doing something I really don't want to be doing, it can be nice to think about something else. Sometimes it's a gift. But at other times, it's a curse. Like when I'm trying to read for English. Or when I'm sitting in Algebra trying to learn about matrices and whatnot and I can't concentrate. Part of me wants to get tested for A.D.D. But the other part thinks that the first part is crazy because that would be like self-diagnosing it and therefore, I probably don't have it in the first place. Speaking of A.D.D., Nancy got tested for it a while ago, and she has it. Or so she says. I guess that's part of my reluctance to ask anyone about it. I don't want to sound like some mental health hypochondriac who's just looking for attention. I doubt that it would make a whole lot of difference if I did get tested anyways.
I have to get out of here.
Each day that passes, everything inside of me grows a little more. Be it the rage or the hope, it all grows.
After laying in my bed pondering useless tidbits of knowledge and wonderment, I went up to the bathroom to break the monotony of (unsuccessfully) trying to go to sleep. Upon my descent, I catch a glance of Nancy balancing her checkbook. I think I might be a little bit thankful that she was thrust into my life. She's the picture of everything I don't want to be. Waking up at 4 p.m. to just in time for dinner and a little tv, and going on to look at bills, go through my checkbook, write checks to pay bills, look at bills again, balance the checkbook again, call the bank to find out my balance, find the discrepancy in the balancing of the checkbook and go back to RE balance the checkbook, only to go to bed at 5 a.m. and start the whole process over again, is NOT my idea of a prosperous life. It's always about money to her. We couldn't even have a civil Thanksgiving without her taking notes on which cheaper brands to buy in order to save a whole five bucks. She asks me where I want to go to school, and the next thing out of her mouth is "What is it going to cost?". If things were as "tight" as she made them sound, I guess it wouldn't piss me off as much, but they're not. I don't want to sound ignorant or blind, but I've seen the bank statements. I've looked through the checkbooks. She's go plenty to go around, and need not worry for quite a few more years. I don't understand how a person can stay so wrapped up in one thing, and devote every aspect of their life to it, ESPECIALLY when it's a destructive thing, such as money.
Speaking of where I want to go to school...
I doubt I'm going to be able to get into any decent institution in this lifetime. I (and my dad) have ruined that chance. I wish more than anything that I could go back to about the 6th grade and do a better job. I wish I would have read more books. I wish I would have spent more time on homework. I wish I would have paid more attention in class. I wish that I would have challenged myself more. It seems like everything up to this point has been a waste of time. Granted, I'm not as bad off as some, but I do have some MAJOR study problems. It all roots back to my infantile attention span. I wish I would have learned to control it at an earlier age instead of having to deal with it now. There's just so much to take care of now, that I had no idea was coming. I'm just about 0 for 3 of the most important aspects of college admissions standards. My academic achievement is nothing more than mediocre, my extracurriculars are literally nonexistant, and god knows that I can't organize my thoughts enough to write an essay that I would be able to understand the next day, let alone some admissions officer in a different state. The worst part about all of this is that it's all stuff that I really can't change now. It's like I've run out of time. I don't know, maybe I haven't. I still have a year, right? I can't tell myself that though, because then I have no motivation to get anything done now. I need the pressure to get something done. I'm going to have to start my own fucking non profit organization that helps quadruple amputees under the age of 10 from low-income families if I want to get into any of the places I'm looking at. I'm afraid, more than juuuust about anything, that I'm going to be stuck with mid-range test scores and I'm going to wind up going to OU. Ugh. OU is a good school, but not for me. If I have to spend one more second in this town that I have to, I think I'm going to go insane. I can't stand it, I need to just get out. There's nothing wrong with the town, it's me. I just can't stay here any longer. It feels like I've done just about everything there is to do, and the monotony is killing me. The only thing holding me back is my dad. I know that he has absolutely no reason to live except me and the pets. God that makes me sound arrogant, but it's true. He doesn't HAVE a life to lose. When he dies, there will probably be a grand total of about 10 people who notice. It's sad, but it's the truth. This disease has taken everything from him. The once prosperous working man who enjoyed sports and the outdoors, is now a hermit, who stays at home and either watches TV or lies down all day. The only time he leaves the house is to either eat, or to go to the bank for Nancy (hah, go figure?). I'm afraid that Nancy will either leave or die while I'm away in college, and he's going to have absolutely no one. He'd probably be better off in a nursing home. At least he'd have some kind of social interaction. It kills me to think about him just sitting there for hours upon no end staring at the TV. Maybe that's the world-renowned charity I'll start. It'll be something for disabled people to DO. Somewhere they can go to just get out of the house. I mean GOD, how many other people are like him?? It scares me to think about it. Maybe I should really look into that, and see if anything like that exists. I guess some people would say that they should go to someplace like the mall or the library, but that can be so straining. I remember that when my Mom and I used to go to the mall, it would always be a huge ordeal. We'd usually leave around the time I got home from school, and get back around bed time. Just because of the steps we had to take to get there and back.
Speaking of Mom...
I can't believe it's been almost 4 years. There has not been a single day in which I haven't thought about her since then. I can't really even count the 21st as the last day I saw her, because that wasn't really her. I don't remember if I had gone to see her the day before or not, but I guess that should be the day that I think of her leaving. I guess it doesn't really matter. Everyone told me that as time progressed, that it would become harder. And god were they right. For a while, it didn't even seem like she was gone. I would think about something and say to myself, "Man that's awesome! I can't wait to tell mom!". And even then when I realized I couldn't, it wasn't a very big deal. But as time passed, I started wanting to talk to her more and more, to the point that it did become a big deal. That turned into just missing her. I guess it's not a horrible thing though. I try to remind myself that other people have it worse than me and all of that bs. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I don't know if that's even a valid approach to the problem. If you're hungry and you think, "Well, at least someone else out there is hungrier than me," it doesn't really make you any less hungry, does it? Sometimes I try not to think about it at all, but I know that in the end that'll just end up hurting things more than helping. But procrastination seems to be one of my favorite vices.
I wonder if this is even going to help my temporary insomnia.
I'm going to regret it whole heartedly tomorrow, I'm sure. One of the absolute worst feelings is falling asleep in class when you really don't want to. I cringe just thinking about that feeling. Ugh. It just starts another fucking cycle, too. Wake up late and tired, spend all day waiting until I can come home, and when I finally do get home, sleep until dinner time, and then start my homework (which is lengthy enough to take up about 4 times the amount of time that I have left for myself to do it in), and end up staying up until 1 or 2 again. Then the same thing again the next day. The fucking monotony.
I kind of wish it would storm right now. I'm sick of this cold shit. What the hell is this?
I hate winter with a passion. I hate it more than almost anything in the world. The cold, the frost, the snow (ok snow is cool for about 10 minutes and then it just complicates everything), the way the windows in your car fog up after 3 FUCKING SECONDS of being in it, EVERYTHING ABOUT WINTER. I hate it so much that there are no words in the English language to describe it. I doubt any language has a word for the way I feel toward winter. But I guess Spring is the light at the end of the tunnel. Everything about spring makes me want to wet my pants with glee.
*sigh* Part of me says go back to bed, the other part says fuck it.
I have a lot of internal conflict, don't I?
I wonder if that's healthy...
I was thinking earlier...I wonder if there is a society on earth that does not value success as ours does. Success that is generally monetary. I think success is a value of any society, but I guess it's how success is viewed that makes it different. To some, success might be staying alive. To others it's having tons of money and lots of people that make you happy, right? I know there's a lot more to our society's view of success, but that's just about all it boils down to. I don't know if that's right though. I'm sure there are millions of people out there that are poor and alone that feel successful? Well, now that I think about it, the chances of that seem pretty slim. I guess my query is this: Where can I go to not feel pressured to be something that other people view as successful? What society lets you decide on your own that you think success is? Ours certainly doesn't. Although our definition of success is fairly flexible, it's still not what I really want to shoot for. Maybe it's not that, but the steps I have to take to get there. Hah. That's one of the forms of deviance that we're studying in Sociology right now. I guess that makes me a social deviant then? Oh. And one thing that confuses me about the sociological principle of deviance is this: Doesn't EVERY MEMBER of society violate norms on a consistent basis? Well, I guess I can answer my own question. Deviance is relative to the surroundings of the deviant, no? What is deviant behavior to one, might not be to another. Sociology is such an intriguing science. It really does make a lot of things in the world make a lot more sense. I wish I could take Psychology at the same time. Although the two aren't too closely related, I think it would be interesting to compare the two. On top of that, the one thing that they do have in common, socialization, completely blows my mind. The idea that the social interaction in early childhood development determines the mental well-being of that person is unreal to me. Maybe "mental well-being" isn't a good way of putting it. I guess it's just the fact that the outside world has so much of an influence on a child...to know that a child left in a room with absolutely no interaction of any type, might be retarded in so many aspects of life, is amazing to me. Not just never learning to tie your shoe, but not knowing what a shoe is. Or being able to control your own body movements. It's quite a fascinating concept.
Wow. This is just pointless rambling now. Maybe it's time to try sleep again.
Let's hope it works, seeing as I have to get up in about 4 and a half hours now...
Earlier I was reading for English, and I came to the conclusion that I probably wouldn't have much trouble if, for some reason, I ever became bedridden. My mind has this unthinkably strong tendency to wander no matter what I'm doing. Sometimes it can be interesting or even fun. Like when I'm doing something I really don't want to be doing, it can be nice to think about something else. Sometimes it's a gift. But at other times, it's a curse. Like when I'm trying to read for English. Or when I'm sitting in Algebra trying to learn about matrices and whatnot and I can't concentrate. Part of me wants to get tested for A.D.D. But the other part thinks that the first part is crazy because that would be like self-diagnosing it and therefore, I probably don't have it in the first place. Speaking of A.D.D., Nancy got tested for it a while ago, and she has it. Or so she says. I guess that's part of my reluctance to ask anyone about it. I don't want to sound like some mental health hypochondriac who's just looking for attention. I doubt that it would make a whole lot of difference if I did get tested anyways.
I have to get out of here.
Each day that passes, everything inside of me grows a little more. Be it the rage or the hope, it all grows.
After laying in my bed pondering useless tidbits of knowledge and wonderment, I went up to the bathroom to break the monotony of (unsuccessfully) trying to go to sleep. Upon my descent, I catch a glance of Nancy balancing her checkbook. I think I might be a little bit thankful that she was thrust into my life. She's the picture of everything I don't want to be. Waking up at 4 p.m. to just in time for dinner and a little tv, and going on to look at bills, go through my checkbook, write checks to pay bills, look at bills again, balance the checkbook again, call the bank to find out my balance, find the discrepancy in the balancing of the checkbook and go back to RE balance the checkbook, only to go to bed at 5 a.m. and start the whole process over again, is NOT my idea of a prosperous life. It's always about money to her. We couldn't even have a civil Thanksgiving without her taking notes on which cheaper brands to buy in order to save a whole five bucks. She asks me where I want to go to school, and the next thing out of her mouth is "What is it going to cost?". If things were as "tight" as she made them sound, I guess it wouldn't piss me off as much, but they're not. I don't want to sound ignorant or blind, but I've seen the bank statements. I've looked through the checkbooks. She's go plenty to go around, and need not worry for quite a few more years. I don't understand how a person can stay so wrapped up in one thing, and devote every aspect of their life to it, ESPECIALLY when it's a destructive thing, such as money.
Speaking of where I want to go to school...
I doubt I'm going to be able to get into any decent institution in this lifetime. I (and my dad) have ruined that chance. I wish more than anything that I could go back to about the 6th grade and do a better job. I wish I would have read more books. I wish I would have spent more time on homework. I wish I would have paid more attention in class. I wish that I would have challenged myself more. It seems like everything up to this point has been a waste of time. Granted, I'm not as bad off as some, but I do have some MAJOR study problems. It all roots back to my infantile attention span. I wish I would have learned to control it at an earlier age instead of having to deal with it now. There's just so much to take care of now, that I had no idea was coming. I'm just about 0 for 3 of the most important aspects of college admissions standards. My academic achievement is nothing more than mediocre, my extracurriculars are literally nonexistant, and god knows that I can't organize my thoughts enough to write an essay that I would be able to understand the next day, let alone some admissions officer in a different state. The worst part about all of this is that it's all stuff that I really can't change now. It's like I've run out of time. I don't know, maybe I haven't. I still have a year, right? I can't tell myself that though, because then I have no motivation to get anything done now. I need the pressure to get something done. I'm going to have to start my own fucking non profit organization that helps quadruple amputees under the age of 10 from low-income families if I want to get into any of the places I'm looking at. I'm afraid, more than juuuust about anything, that I'm going to be stuck with mid-range test scores and I'm going to wind up going to OU. Ugh. OU is a good school, but not for me. If I have to spend one more second in this town that I have to, I think I'm going to go insane. I can't stand it, I need to just get out. There's nothing wrong with the town, it's me. I just can't stay here any longer. It feels like I've done just about everything there is to do, and the monotony is killing me. The only thing holding me back is my dad. I know that he has absolutely no reason to live except me and the pets. God that makes me sound arrogant, but it's true. He doesn't HAVE a life to lose. When he dies, there will probably be a grand total of about 10 people who notice. It's sad, but it's the truth. This disease has taken everything from him. The once prosperous working man who enjoyed sports and the outdoors, is now a hermit, who stays at home and either watches TV or lies down all day. The only time he leaves the house is to either eat, or to go to the bank for Nancy (hah, go figure?). I'm afraid that Nancy will either leave or die while I'm away in college, and he's going to have absolutely no one. He'd probably be better off in a nursing home. At least he'd have some kind of social interaction. It kills me to think about him just sitting there for hours upon no end staring at the TV. Maybe that's the world-renowned charity I'll start. It'll be something for disabled people to DO. Somewhere they can go to just get out of the house. I mean GOD, how many other people are like him?? It scares me to think about it. Maybe I should really look into that, and see if anything like that exists. I guess some people would say that they should go to someplace like the mall or the library, but that can be so straining. I remember that when my Mom and I used to go to the mall, it would always be a huge ordeal. We'd usually leave around the time I got home from school, and get back around bed time. Just because of the steps we had to take to get there and back.
Speaking of Mom...
I can't believe it's been almost 4 years. There has not been a single day in which I haven't thought about her since then. I can't really even count the 21st as the last day I saw her, because that wasn't really her. I don't remember if I had gone to see her the day before or not, but I guess that should be the day that I think of her leaving. I guess it doesn't really matter. Everyone told me that as time progressed, that it would become harder. And god were they right. For a while, it didn't even seem like she was gone. I would think about something and say to myself, "Man that's awesome! I can't wait to tell mom!". And even then when I realized I couldn't, it wasn't a very big deal. But as time passed, I started wanting to talk to her more and more, to the point that it did become a big deal. That turned into just missing her. I guess it's not a horrible thing though. I try to remind myself that other people have it worse than me and all of that bs. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I don't know if that's even a valid approach to the problem. If you're hungry and you think, "Well, at least someone else out there is hungrier than me," it doesn't really make you any less hungry, does it? Sometimes I try not to think about it at all, but I know that in the end that'll just end up hurting things more than helping. But procrastination seems to be one of my favorite vices.
I wonder if this is even going to help my temporary insomnia.
I'm going to regret it whole heartedly tomorrow, I'm sure. One of the absolute worst feelings is falling asleep in class when you really don't want to. I cringe just thinking about that feeling. Ugh. It just starts another fucking cycle, too. Wake up late and tired, spend all day waiting until I can come home, and when I finally do get home, sleep until dinner time, and then start my homework (which is lengthy enough to take up about 4 times the amount of time that I have left for myself to do it in), and end up staying up until 1 or 2 again. Then the same thing again the next day. The fucking monotony.
I kind of wish it would storm right now. I'm sick of this cold shit. What the hell is this?
I hate winter with a passion. I hate it more than almost anything in the world. The cold, the frost, the snow (ok snow is cool for about 10 minutes and then it just complicates everything), the way the windows in your car fog up after 3 FUCKING SECONDS of being in it, EVERYTHING ABOUT WINTER. I hate it so much that there are no words in the English language to describe it. I doubt any language has a word for the way I feel toward winter. But I guess Spring is the light at the end of the tunnel. Everything about spring makes me want to wet my pants with glee.
*sigh* Part of me says go back to bed, the other part says fuck it.
I have a lot of internal conflict, don't I?
I wonder if that's healthy...
I was thinking earlier...I wonder if there is a society on earth that does not value success as ours does. Success that is generally monetary. I think success is a value of any society, but I guess it's how success is viewed that makes it different. To some, success might be staying alive. To others it's having tons of money and lots of people that make you happy, right? I know there's a lot more to our society's view of success, but that's just about all it boils down to. I don't know if that's right though. I'm sure there are millions of people out there that are poor and alone that feel successful? Well, now that I think about it, the chances of that seem pretty slim. I guess my query is this: Where can I go to not feel pressured to be something that other people view as successful? What society lets you decide on your own that you think success is? Ours certainly doesn't. Although our definition of success is fairly flexible, it's still not what I really want to shoot for. Maybe it's not that, but the steps I have to take to get there. Hah. That's one of the forms of deviance that we're studying in Sociology right now. I guess that makes me a social deviant then? Oh. And one thing that confuses me about the sociological principle of deviance is this: Doesn't EVERY MEMBER of society violate norms on a consistent basis? Well, I guess I can answer my own question. Deviance is relative to the surroundings of the deviant, no? What is deviant behavior to one, might not be to another. Sociology is such an intriguing science. It really does make a lot of things in the world make a lot more sense. I wish I could take Psychology at the same time. Although the two aren't too closely related, I think it would be interesting to compare the two. On top of that, the one thing that they do have in common, socialization, completely blows my mind. The idea that the social interaction in early childhood development determines the mental well-being of that person is unreal to me. Maybe "mental well-being" isn't a good way of putting it. I guess it's just the fact that the outside world has so much of an influence on a child...to know that a child left in a room with absolutely no interaction of any type, might be retarded in so many aspects of life, is amazing to me. Not just never learning to tie your shoe, but not knowing what a shoe is. Or being able to control your own body movements. It's quite a fascinating concept.
Wow. This is just pointless rambling now. Maybe it's time to try sleep again.
Let's hope it works, seeing as I have to get up in about 4 and a half hours now...