I would honestly love you now, but I would lovingly let you down.
You need to understand that I am the world's biggest fuck-up. And I always will be. I've tried telling you this from the moment we started talking. You always told me I wasn't. But do you believe me now that you're on the receiving end of my blows?
I know I can't keep using being drunk, or being bipolar, or being anything as an excuse. But do you want me to lie to you and say that I enjoy hurting you? I sure as fuck don't. I tear myself to pieces because knowing I hurt the people I love kills me. And yet, I still do it. Why? Don't ask me. I don't know the answer.
You should know that there's a lot I'm not telling you. I have reasons for going out and getting drunk, high, fucked up, etc. It's NEVER just to have fun. It's to escape from this fucked up reality. Yeah, I know what a stupid way to do so, but it's the only way I've known since I was younger. It's hard for me to break routine when that routine has been so... good to me for so long. Of course, dealing with the consequences of that never seems to compensate for feeling good. But can you blame me for wanting out already? If dying isn't an option, what do I have left?
I've tried, and tried, and tried to change. When I get two steps away from doing so, I choke. Like you said, maybe I just don't want it badly enough. My mind is set to this: if I don't hit rockbottom, I'm not going to change at all. I don't want to hit rockbottom anymore to realize I have to change. I want to save myself the time and emotion this time, and every time after this. I shouldn't have to be at an all-time low to strive change.
I could tell you that you're different and that I'm doing this all for you, but I've said that to two other girls before you. And I haven't done it yet. I don't want to get your hopes up because then the letdown would be so much worse. All I can really say is that I'll try. That's all I can ever say.
I'm telling you that you're better off with me. Do I want you to be? No. I want you to be the best with me right there by your side.
But for some reason, my mind won't let that happen with anyone.
I'm trying, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for having to fuck up. I'm sorry for this not being exactly what you want to hear. I'm sorry for being me.
I love you.
I know I can't keep using being drunk, or being bipolar, or being anything as an excuse. But do you want me to lie to you and say that I enjoy hurting you? I sure as fuck don't. I tear myself to pieces because knowing I hurt the people I love kills me. And yet, I still do it. Why? Don't ask me. I don't know the answer.
You should know that there's a lot I'm not telling you. I have reasons for going out and getting drunk, high, fucked up, etc. It's NEVER just to have fun. It's to escape from this fucked up reality. Yeah, I know what a stupid way to do so, but it's the only way I've known since I was younger. It's hard for me to break routine when that routine has been so... good to me for so long. Of course, dealing with the consequences of that never seems to compensate for feeling good. But can you blame me for wanting out already? If dying isn't an option, what do I have left?
I've tried, and tried, and tried to change. When I get two steps away from doing so, I choke. Like you said, maybe I just don't want it badly enough. My mind is set to this: if I don't hit rockbottom, I'm not going to change at all. I don't want to hit rockbottom anymore to realize I have to change. I want to save myself the time and emotion this time, and every time after this. I shouldn't have to be at an all-time low to strive change.
I could tell you that you're different and that I'm doing this all for you, but I've said that to two other girls before you. And I haven't done it yet. I don't want to get your hopes up because then the letdown would be so much worse. All I can really say is that I'll try. That's all I can ever say.
I'm telling you that you're better off with me. Do I want you to be? No. I want you to be the best with me right there by your side.
But for some reason, my mind won't let that happen with anyone.
I'm trying, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for having to fuck up. I'm sorry for this not being exactly what you want to hear. I'm sorry for being me.
I love you.