'cause i put everything in you, i had everything in you.
you say your hurting is over. it feels like you're back from the dead. but still, i can't believe it's over, and i can't get your sight, your scentt from my head. it seems like these moments are lasting forever, the times when we felt alive. you carried my heart in the midst of this battle in your hands. two lives, two books of illusions, a chapter in the essence of time. the story we wrote in one season came to end in one night. remember the times when we started believing that everything would be alright? you carried my heart in the midst of this battle in your hands. and i'll wait for you because i want something new. and i'll sing for you until this dream comes true. this time, i won't try to reach you. you're already too far gone. slipped past, and i didn't notice. did we ever sing the same song?
macon told me she read this in krystle's info, and that it struck home:
you're on & off. phase in, phase out. cross your heart, crash, burn and fall under cushions. hide the change, so no one knows. just be careful who you tell. i really want to care when you say "i'll change that." i just don't feel a thing when you say "we'll get there..."
i guess all my efforts really won't pay off like i'm hoping for.
i've never been so screwed up in my life. and all for what? so you can tell me you don't want to care anymore. do you realize how much that hurts me? it makes me feel like so useless... so worthless. like everything we ever went through never mattered to you. every time i sang you to sleep when you were scared, every time i gave you a hug because they "fixed everything", every time i told you i wish i could lie next to you to make everything easier for that night... every time, everything... it all feels like it never mattered when we both KNOW it meant the world to BOTH of us.
i realize we've gone through so many rough times, so many that the good times we managed to squeeze in between the pain never seems to compensate, but you don't understand how much i'm putting on the line just to have you back in my life, to be ABLE to try to make BETTER times.
and i feel so fucking STUPID for constantly trying & trying & trying because every time i get two steps away from making progress, you find some way to make me feel like the bad guy, to knock down the tower i've been building up. or maybe that's just my fault? it might as well be because you're always right, aren't you?
i just wish you'd have the courage to tell me something, ANYTHING. i'd rather hear you say, "i hate you, and i never want anything to do with you ever again" than have you say nothing at all, and leave me hanging. that way i KNOW i won't have a chance, that way i won't get my hopes up for you to let me down again, that way it won't hurt as much.
could you at least give me that much?
and you know what? i'm still going to try. because whether you want to hear it or not, i still love you. i'm still in love with you. i still care about you. no matter how much you hurt me, no matter how many nights i cry myself to sleep, no matter how many times you tell me you don't care, NO MATTER WHAT, i'm ALWAYS going to feel that way.
i've never had problems with letting go before. i've never want to make amends with someone so much. i've never been in so much pain over one person and still want to have them around. i've never cared about someone this much in my life.
you need to undersand that.
i could be fighting for people who care about me, for people i know i can get through rough times, for myself.
and out of all those people, who am i fighting for?
you.