Shut Your Eyes - The Fanmix
I stayed up half the night doing this. But it's done.
You can download the entire fanmix RIGHT HERE.
1. Snow Patrol - Shut Your Eyes
Shut your eyes and think of somewhere
Somewhere cold and caked in snow
By the fire we break the quiet
Learn to wear each other well
Why I Chose This:
Um, because it is the title of the story, and the inspiration for the very first scene. The first couple of riffs is what I hear in my head with Kendall’s breath, along with the scratch of his skates and it just sets me into the story almost immediately.
The Scene
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
I felt my chest tighten as the stick connected with my face, my helmet jerking upwards, my neck aching as it snapped back, sweat suddenly flying off my chin and nose, mixing with very red drops of blood from the slice across my cheek.
My hockey stick clattered against the ice. I remembered hearing it before I followed it to the ground.
2. Missy Higgins - Peachy
No of course you don't, of course you don't
You said life is peachy without me
Of course you don't, of course you don't
You said life is peachy without me
Why I Chose This:
I feel like this is a running theme in this story. Both James and Kendall are caught up in the idea of everyone being able to live their lives without them in it, and it bothers them. And I think this is part of why Kendall is so nervous to return to California. Thus, I feel like this is the theme of his return.
The Scene:
Imagine you’re about to see your family for the first time in years, a completely different person than who you used to be. Can you do it?
3. Radiohead - Creep
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.
I want a perfect body .
I want a perfect soul.
Why I Chose This:
Again, another duh moment. James sings it. However, when I first wrote this chapter, I wasn’t sure what song he was going to sing. I went through folders or repertoire, trying to find the perfect one, and caught it staring me in the face. This song embodies everything about how James feels about Kendall in this story. And the fact that he’s singing it when they meet again says a lot about where their relationship has been, and where it might go. I also chose the acoustic version of this song so that the reader can feel like they are in Kendall’s place, because that is all James is accompanied by, and I think it speaks so much more in the acoustic version.
The Scene:
He was lit up like an angel under that light, his hands gently gripping the microphone in front of his lips. He was wearing a black crew-neck shirt which had grayed with age, and his fingernails were chewed away. His ears were pierced, multiple-times in fact, and his sandy brown hair was a frizzled mess, yanked back behind him, close to his neck. And he was singing. Good God, he was singing like every word was stabbing him in the heart, and I knew it was because it was.
Because James Diamond was singing it.
4. Amos Lee - Colors
Yesterday i got lost in the circus,
feeling like such a mess.
And now I'm down,
I'm just hanging on the corner.
I can't help but reminisce.
Why I Chose This:
Not gonna lie. It’s one of my fave songs. BUT, it does suit this story, and the fact that they have both changed as individuals. It’s hard to look at someone you once knew and see someone completely different. It’s not exactly something that’s easy to deal with. Kendall wanted his meeting with James to be a lot different, a lot better. And he didn’t want to see all the flaws, the loss of life in his eyes. It, for lack of better words, completely knocks him on his ass, and he doesn’t know what to think.
The Scene:
Take something familiar, comforting, homey and pervert it, make it wrong. Now imagine you can’t figure out why. Every time you finally capture the whole picture, figure out where the brushstroke’s gone awry, pinpoint the spot where the edge has turned blurry, the pivotal flaw slips out of your fingers.
Like when you grasp at sand beneath the ocean’s surface and can never keep it from siphoning out of your palm.
James was just like that. I’d look at him and see the guy I’d grown up with, the same old flash of pearly white teeth and quirked lips, the kindness in his eyes, and then at next glance his smile became alien, his eyes hard. He had aged, but that wasn’t it.
And whenever my mind flickered to what the real problem might be, I squelched the thought, because it was too sick, too twisted, too surreal. This slippery idea, sand slithering from my grip.
5. Kate Voegele - Hallelujah
Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Why I Chose This:
I know, I know. This song is overused in many aspects. But this is another one of those songs that I feel is kind of a universal theme in this fic. Because even though it’s a love story, it’s far from perfect, and it’s far from okay. It’s a demented, fucked up, horrible, dirty, love. And this song points to that, and touches on the more poignant moments in this fucked up life they are living.
The Scene:
I yanked the covers up to my neck, but I was still freezing. I couldn’t sleep. I just stared at the curtains on the window and listened to the faint hum of the hallway lights. God… he was so damn skinny. He was just so damn skinny. And there was something inherently wrong in the fact that his hair was not perfect like it always had been. He’d been so particular with it before. It was just so damn wrong.
He did have a problem. A major problem. And I couldn’t fix it. Or… maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe I was sick and fucking tired of fixing everyone’s problems when I had my own to deal with. I felt like screaming, ripping myself open from the inside out. And my head was hurting. Fuck, it was hurting more than it ever had. There was a sharp, rapping, pounding, pain in my skull, just throbbing away with each beat of my heart. I curled even further into myself under those sheets, fairly sure that if I moved from that spot, I’d vomit.
It was true though. I had problems too. Why did I have to worry about everyone else all the time? I mean, damn it, it wasn’t like my life was going swimmingly. My friends had lives and I didn’t. Fuck, I had nothing going on in my life. I’d somehow along the way stumbled into a rut and just started carrying on like everything was fine. But it wasn’t. My career was quickly heading down the tubes since I wasn’t on the ice, and I was too fucking afraid to get on the ice because someone called me a faggot? Damn. Of course, the truth behind it may have been the problem. I didn’t know. But I was exhausted and scared and lonely and I had no one.
6. Lindsey Haun - Drowning
So look behind
The story’s all the same
You’re drowning in the end
Why I Chose This:
The lyrics don’t fit as much as the tone for this scene - in which Kendall and James get into a fistfight on his apartment floor, and it turns very violent and gets out of control. But it helps get some of the tension out of the air, because, hey, they are drowning in it. And it needed to be addressed before they could move forward.
The Scene:
James’ fist cracked across my jaw then and I stumbled backwards a couple of steps. He’d always had a mean right. Then, suddenly, rage exploded behind my eyes and I was attacking him, knocking him to the floor, fists flying. I guess I just wanted to blame him for everything bad that had happened to me, because it seemed like everything had gone to shit in my life about the same time it had in his. And I was just so fucking mad, because he could have been something. And he wasn’t. And it just… it infuriated me. I just kept punching him, wailing on him, and I couldn’t even feel whatever hits he delivered to me because I was just so mad with rage. James kneed me in the stomach, flipping me over and slamming his fists into my chest. And he was screaming. Just… screaming like all the pain in his heart would dissipate with every punch. And then his hands were on my throat and we weren’t kids anymore. Everything turned very real. James had been living on the street, fighting for his life on a daily basis.
And his hands were on my fucking throat, crushing my windpipe. I gasped for air, trying to roll the skinny boy off of me, but his adrenaline was rushing and keeping him strong. My lungs started to burn for oxygen and I flailed under him.
“Ja… Ja…” I sputtered, feeling my eyes trying to roll back in my head. “Ja-“
Then his hands were gone and I was left coughing and holding my throat. Sparks were still bursting before my eyes.
7. Stand Still, Look Pretty - The Wreckers
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over
Why I Chose This:
Actually, Garnetice used this in her sort-of fanmix, in the idea of James’ character in this story. But as I listened to it and worked with it and studied the lyrics, I thought that it actually fit Jo quite a bit too. I feel bad for Jo in this, and I think my biggest regret is that we weren’t able to play her as a bigger role, because she was such a staple in Kendall’s life, and clearly went through a lot of hurt to be his confidant, and I think he owes her a lot for that. I like to think that in the future, he will make it up to her somehow.
The Scene:
“I don’t know if it’s the kind of thing I can forgive you for,” Jo said earnestly, shrugging, “It’s not about how sorry you are. It’s about how much I loved you. And how much it hurt finding out the feeling wasn’t exactly mutual.”
“Jo, I really loved you. I still- love you. Just not…you know.”
“I do know, and Kendall, god, in some ways, I’ve moved past all of this. I don’t like holding grudges, and I know you don’t deserve it. You can’t help what you are. But there’s this part of me that knows I’m never going to move on, and it doesn’t matter whether you deserve it or not,” Jo said, her voice getting a little rough around the edges, like something was caught in her throat, “I’m always going to resent you for it. I can’t move on because there isn’t anybody better. There never has been, and there never will be.”
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know, but it doesn’t make a difference. You did,” she glanced away, and in that moment she wasn’t a movie star or a even a friend. From the delicate line of her neck to the curve of her shoulders to the tips of her toes, she was a stranger. And I’d made her that way.
8. Ida Maria - Keep Me Warm
And you, you keep me warm
You, you keep me warm
All your cigarettes and cup of coffee
It keeps me warm
Why I Chose This:
This is another one that Garnetice suggested. She said it’s basically her theme for this story, and that is because, A) she has great taste in music, and B) it does totally fit. So there. This is the perfect song for those quiet moments of them on the roof, searching for how they really feel for each other and trying to find forgiveness along the way. I just love imagining the cigarette smoke drifting to the sky as they sit there on that rooftop in the dusk.
The Scene:
He cast me that wolfish, almost unhappy grin of his, and said mockingly, “Maybe. Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it, if it makes you uncomfortable.”
I saw the warning for what it was, and I was just so damned tired.
“For tonight,” I agreed, and I saw the almost imperceptible way his shoulders relaxed.
That was it then. It would be me and him and Greater Los Angeles spread out before us, the city bright and quiet, the sky dark and empty. Like we were the last two people on Earth. I took a long drag on my cigarette.
Decent company and silence, for one night only.
I could handle that.
9. I Think I Love - Jamie Cullum
When I think what we could do.
If I could only say to you, yeah,
All of these things
Well, do I dare
And would you care?
Why I Chose This:
This is another song that is featured in this fic. I heard this song probably a couple of days before I wrote the chapter and absolutely fell in love with it. And still fantasize about Kendall singing it. (I’m an odd duck. My biggest fantasies are of beautiful people singing beautifully. I’m such a singer. Gah.) Anyway, I liked the idea of him singing something a little jazzy, a little casual, and a little romantic while James played, and this song fell in perfectly. It’s one of those songs you see couples dance to and smile, and this is totally not what they’re doing, but it has that same feel, y’know? I love the simple message behind it. It’s a classic little love song.
The Scene:
James’ hand moved up to the high end of the piano, his arm brushing against me, and yet he didn’t look there or anywhere else. He was still looking at me. His eyes were piercing through me like needles. I swallowed, suddenly realizing how dry my mouth had gotten. There were red flags going off in my mind, because, fuck, he was leaning in pretty close - or maybe I was - and I knew what kind of bad things could happen if I let him…
I felt my eyes flutter close, my heart slamming against my ribs. His breath tingled against my lips, and I found myself parting them, ready and willing. Fuck, I guess I was lonely.
10. Sia - Breathe Me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Why I Chose This:
As strong as they want to be, I feel like both James and Kendall are just children stuck in a grown-up world. They need friends and love and acceptance, but don’t know how to ask for it. They’ve never had to ask for it before, and it’s so tough for them. I think that’s why they kind of find it in each other, in their own demented way. It’s just easier for them to fall into each other’s arms and not fight for a change. But that’s not going to stay that way forever, no matter what they want to believe.
The Scene:
“I’m so fucking tired, James.” I wanted to cry. The statement was so simple yet so full of complexities that it made me want to sob until I couldn’t breathe. “I’m just so fucking tired.” I laid my head in the crook of his neck, and he held me there for a long time. I didn’t cry. That wasn’t really the “trying to be strong” I was going for.
I was tired. Not just physically. I was tired of everything. Of not knowing how I felt. Of not talking to my friends about what was going on. About masking my identity and calculating every move to keep others from finding out who or what I was. I was tired of being ashamed of myself, of every decision I made. I was tired of being so god damn lonely all the time because I was so afraid of anyone rejecting me once they found out.
And I knew deep down that the important ones wouldn’t, but it didn’t stop my brain from convincing me that they would.
I was tired of having to be strong, but at the same time, I was tired of letting everybody down.
I wrapped my arms around James’ torso and pulled him in even closer to me, because he was so warm, so relaxed. I felt like I could feed off of it. A warm body, no questions, just a warm, relaxed body. It was just something I needed. Something he needed. That was what he meant. I didn’t have to try to understand it at all, because it came instantly, so instantly that I never even noticed.
11. Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel) - Billy Joel
Good night my angel now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
Why I Chose This:
Again, this is briefly featured in the story. In fact, I feel like I should address that I’m not usually the type to put so many songs in a story, but music is such a big thing in Big Time Rush, and such a big thing in my life. I feel like my devotion as a performer really helped me write this. And I’m always singing, whether I’m happy, sad, etc. James would be the same way. He chooses this because it’s a beautiful song, and it’s a perfect, poignant lullaby that lets him drift back to his past, if only for a moment. I want to think someone once sang it to him when he needed it.
The Scene:
We laid there in silence, hardly breathing for fear it disrupt everything. He pulled the blankets up around us in the dark, and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest against my hand. And after what seemed like ages, he sang, very softly, into my hairline.
Good night my angel now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
That was all I heard.
12. Cobra Starship - Hot Mess
Stumbling but yeah, you're still looking hella fine
Keep doing what you're doing and I'ma make you mine
Well, you're a hot mess and I'm falling for you
And I'm like hot damn, let me make you my boo
cause you can shake it shake it shake it
Yeah you know what to do
You're a hot mess
I'm loving it, hell yes
Why I Chose This:
Because I fucking can. That’s why. Hahaha! But yeah, I wanted something crazy and out there for the club scene, and I can picture this booming through the speakers when James decides that kissing Kendall is a great idea. And he does put the hot in hot mess, ya’ll.
The Scene:
He looked at me, and his eyes were almost black. He fisted my shirt, pulling me flush against him. Suddenly, it was like the music wasn’t there at all, because I could hear him perfectly, even though he was whispering.
“You’re fucking hot.” He kissed me so hard that our teeth knocked together, and I wasn’t even able to process it. My brain went haywire, like maybe whatever had blanked his mind had slipped into my bloodstream and done the same to me, even though it was impossible.
Fucking hot? Yeah, no kidding.
And he was dragging me across the floor, off to a dark corner behind the speakers where it was even louder. James shoved me against the wall and pressed his mouth into mine. I gasped, trying to resist, but there was nothing I could do. He was shoving his tongue into my mouth with my protests and goddamn. I didn’t think well in heat. I really didn’t. I knew that if I had been in a less stifling room, I might have been able to use my brain, maybe remember what Logan had been telling me. But I wasn’t. And James was devouring my neck and kissing down my chest, and I was paralyzed against the wall and half-hard in my jeans.
“James,” I was stammering as he fiddled with my belt buckle. “N-not here….”
We were in public. We could be seen. Not that anyone was paying any attention, but I had gone to extreme lengths never even appear to like men, and James was ruining it. I had fought to keep an image. I had to be the hockey star that hung out with hot women. I had to be a man’s man. Macho. Strong. I couldn’t let people know that I was gay. I couldn’t let people see that I had one ounce of vulnerability, that I could lose control and I was afraid of it. I couldn’t be seen. I didn’t want to be seen, not with his hands running down my stomach, not with my jeans down around my ankles, not with James. One break in the plan, in the mask, and everything would be ruined. If word got out, I’d have nothing. No career, no private life, nothing. And if my mother found out, and Logan, and Carlos… I didn’t know what they would think. Would they hate me? Would they resent me for allowing our friend to corrupt me? And my father… I hadn’t seen him in years, but what if he saw me? He’d be ashamed. He’d be absolutely humiliated and happy he left his awful, faggot son, and would never, ever, want to be associated with me ever. It was all so terrifying to think about.
But then James was sucking my dick and nothing else mattered.
13. Marie Digby - Spell
And all my life I've stumbled
But up here I am just perfect
Perfect as I'll, ever be
I have you, for a moment
I can tell I've got you
Cuz your lips don't move
And something is happening
Cuz your eyes tell me the truth
I've put a spell over you
Why I Chose This:
This song suits a couple of different themes in this, both having to do with Kendall falling in love. Kendall fell hard for Chris, and got his heart broken. I can relate to that feeling. You feel like you’re absolutely under a spell, because everything a person does is suddenly the best thing ever. Only when you look back on it with objectivity do you ever realize that it was flawed or that maybe they were playing you, or whatever, and I’m getting too personally involved so I’ll stop.
The Scene:
Chris never hit me.
He never laid a hand on me- fuck, if he had, it would have been easier. I wouldn’t have stood for that, not ever, and maybe I could have left him with some of my dignity intact. But the truth was, he never once deliberately hurt me.
We manipulated each other, sure, all the time. We played these little games with no malicious intentions, to see who would break first, to see who cared most, to prove to each other who had more invested. Emotional fucking chicken.
He made me jump through hoops because, in the end, I won. He was more concerned with himself. He didn’t understand that I was desperately in love with him, or maybe he did and didn’t care, because we were young, and resilient, and he didn’t know how much it would sting. How I would have done anything to make him smile. And the more I realized he didn’t care as much, the more I learned to hate myself. It didn’t help that he was ashamed of us, that he would introduce me as a friend and that he would flirt with other people right in front of me without understanding that he was even flirting.
When I first figured out that I liked to fuck boys, I was scared, but I was willing to try anything once. He was the one who taught me to cower in shadows, to hide who I was.
When Jo found us fucking, when she called me a million horrible names, I was lost. I hadn’t meant to betray her, and I knew that I had. I knew that I’d done something irreparable. The thing with Chris, what she’d witnessed, it had been casual. I’d fooled around before him, but he was the first guy I fell for. And the funny thing was that I wasn’t even interested in him, not at first. When he came to the Palm Woods, I thought he was kind of a dick. He kept making fun of my dimples and flinging nasty song lyrics my way.
I guess jackass was kind of my type.
He was good with his hands, and he knew how to look at me in a way that shot straight to my cock. The sex had been a mistake, and it had ended my relationship with Jo. But it had lead to the start of something more serious with Chris.
I fell in love with him in the most hopeless, pathetic way. And at first, it was good, because he loved me back. I thought for sure that he loved me back. Only the more I tried to hold on, the more he slipped through my fingers.
When he met someone else, I guess it should have been a wakeup call. It wasn’t.
14. Caleb Kane - Once
You change in front of me
Your eyes get darker every day
It happens quietly
Your focus slowly burns away
And if you let me hear
The things you seem to wanna say
Though I am late
I will wait to go
Until I know you're somewhere safe
Why I Chose This:
Caleb Kane is always going to be one of my favorite singers. I’ll tell you why. You think he sounds familiar? That’s because he’s the singing voice for Aladdin. So yeah. Anyway, this is another one of those universal songs for this (and yeah, there are more to come), and it suit James’ decent into drug abuse as his entire world seems to fall apart. And Kendall follows that same decent in a way, very quietly, very subtly, until it kind of eats him alive.
The Scene:
Thinking back on it, it did seem like something had been off about James. He’d been really jittery in that last year. And there was one night that suddenly was standing out in stark clarity in my mind - after Carlos had said what he said. It wasn’t long after that night he’d cursed me to the porcelain gods at that party. He’d gotten trashed again, but it was different. He wasn’t just telling me to fuck off because I’d filled him full of vodka. It was so much more than that.
“I’m not gonna make it, Kendall,” he had sobbed. “I’m not gonna be able to do it on my own. I’m so scared.”
I thought it was just the alcohol filling him with self-doubt. But he sat in our living room and just cried and cried and cried. He wasn’t a crying drunk usually either, so it was particularly hard to take care of. I didn’t deal often with crying drunks. Carlos was the type that pulled more than lethal stunts, Logan was the giggly type, and James had the tendency to get a little randy. I was told I turned into an asshole, but I could never be sure since it didn’t take long for me to get wasted. And according to Chris, I was a fucking sex animal when I was drunk, so I had no idea which was more likely. Camille could be a bit of a crying drunk, but she always went through stages - the first one being that she’d take a good portion of her clothes off, which had been quite entertaining for everyone but me, who really didn’t give a fuck about tits by then. Though Logan’s being flustered - that was entertaining.
But James was hysterical that night, and he just kept saying “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
I should have listened. I should have taken it as a red flag. But I didn’t. I was too caught up in my dream lingering on the horizon; too sure of James’ worth, of his confidence; too blind to the fact that it’d been wavering so much at that point. I wasn’t paying attention to what he was actually saying.
“Sure you can,” I had said, in a tone well-rehearsed for whenever a friend was down on himself. “Now quit bawling. You’re being stupid.”
And he’d just sobbed harder, snotty and devastated. “I am stupid. I can’t do it. I can’t do this.”
I had laughed it off. I wish I hadn’t.
He really didn’t think he could make it without us.
15. Laura Marling - Night Terror
I woke up and he was screaming
I'd left him dreaming
I roll over and shake him tightly
And whisper "if they want you
Oh they're gonna have to fight me"
Oh fight me
Why I Chose This:
I love the mood this song portrays. It captures that itchy feeling in Kendall’s gut as he reaches for sleep but can’t quite get it because of his stress over James. I figure it has to be incredibly difficult because he’s basically living a nightmare he never expected. He’s watching his friend waste away and can’t seem to do anything about it.
The Scene:
He didn’t come back that night though, and when I laid down to sleep that night, my mind got away from me. I kept seeing James and Joseph, tangled in each other’s limbs, trading sloppy kisses and needles, hands roaming down to places considered sacred by some. I kept hearing James’ voice, but not moaning my name - but Joseph Joseph Joseph over and over and over, driving me mad.
I gritted my teeth and sat up in bed, calling him again, not giving a shit what the hour was.
Again, there was no answer. I slammed the phone down on the nightstand and curled up, glaring at the wall. I didn't like not knowing where he was. I didn’t want to wonder what he was putting in his body, whether he was alive or not.
Oh, God.
Alive.
And Guitar Dude looked so skinny and frightening. James wasn’t that far behind him.
I didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t answer his phone, and after running into Joseph at their typical hangout, I really didn’t want to risk going to look for him. I inhaled his scent, all over the bed, and longed for him.
Yeah. I was in love. Pretty sure.
16. Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)
Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.
Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...
Why I Chose This:
I actually listened to this a lot but never with the scene I’m applying it to. Only in hindsight to I realize that it is completely perfect for Logan and Kendall’s friendship in this fic. It takes this horrifying turn Chapter 21, and you can kind of just hear this sad lilting tune playing when Logan disappears behind the door. The song just oozes destruction.
The Scene:
“All our fucking lives, you were too afraid to say a word, to make a move, to do anything based on impulse. And the only time you did was when I told you to. You never made a decision like that on your own. Maybe I don’t want you running my life because all you’ve ever tried to do is impress me. That’s all you ever gave a shit about, was impressing the people around you. Oooh, look at how smart I am! Oooh, look at how popular I am! Oooh! Check out this backflip! You’re such a fucking attention whore!”
“WHAT?! Do you even hear yourself?! You and James were always the ones wanting the spotlight…e-especially James! And I didn’t come here to impress you. I wanted to spend time with you. That’s what this whole trip was about!”
“Oh, and when were you gonna pencil me in, Logan? Between stumbling around conversation and wishing you could fuck Camille, and trying to leech off of Carlos’ family?!”
Logan shoved me, his cheeks flushing red, and I seriously thought about shoving back, but my movement was a little impaired by alcohol so I decided against it. Even though my blood was boiling. I kept talking.
“Or maybe after you finish trying to convince my mom that I’m fucked up so you look like the sweet precious little angel she always wanted!”
“This has NOTHING to do with me!” Logan tried to fight back, but his words were starting to get broken up by shallow, angry breaths. “You’re trying to shovel all this blame on me and STOP IT! I’m trying to help you!”
“Well maybe I don’t want your help!” I screamed, finally, and my voice reverberated around the kitchen and disappeared into silence. “Why don’t you go bury yourself in your work so you don’t have to remember how fucking lonely you are!”
“Yeah, how’s that working for you?!”
My mind had left me, but my mouth kept running. Finally, in a low voice, I spoke again.
“Why don’t you just pack your shit and go back to Florida and get the fuck out of my life?”
Logan’s face fell, his dark eyes wide and lost, like a child that had just been told Santa wasn’t real.
“Is that what you want?” He asked, and his voice was tiny, barely audible with the roar in my ears.
“Yes.”
Logan’s eyelashes fluttered a little, but he kept his composure. “Fine. You know what? That’s just fine. Let’s just flush this friendship down the toilet and move on with our lives.”
“Fine.”
“Fine!”
Logan whirled around and stomped out the door.
As soon as it slammed, I regretted every word. But I couldn’t go after him.
I looked at my hands. They were shaking.
17. Liz Kellicut - What Are You Waiting For
All these words are my own
Tryin’ to act like I am grown
But you’re leaving
And I’m grieving cause I’m
Stuck believing I could have you to myself
Why I Chose This:
Um. I wrote this specifically for this story. Though that isn’t what I tell some people (because really, writing a song for a fanfic seems a little pathetic, doesn’t it?). I wrote this and played it and sang it and all that. And I’m actually a little hesitant to put this out here because I could sell it in the future, but we shall see. You guys get it free this time. If I ever get it up on iTunes though, it’s totally being pulled off here. Sorry. :P But yeah. I can’t say why I chose it because this is the theme of this. This is how James felt, in song form. Or at least, that’s what I tried to convey.
The Scene:
I loved him so much. There was no moving past it. Old James and new James meshed through the song, and he was the same person, flaws and perfections and all. And I was in love with every bit.
I just wanted to be happy. That was all I wanted. How did I lose that? How did I manage to mess that up?
“Where did you get that?”
I jolted up, shutting off the stereo, the voice striking me like I’d been slapped.
James was standing in my living room, looking down at me shuddering on the sofa. He didn’t look angry. Just confused.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly, my voice shaky in my throat.
We never said sorry to each other. So I was pushing it.
Then James looked even more devastated than I felt. “F-for what?”
“I shouldn’t have left…”
“What?” James yanked me up by the collar of my shirt. “Did you even listen to that all the way through?! I wanted you to leave! I wanted you to be happy!”
I withered, and the tears came fresh. “But… I’m not.” I was ashamed.
18. Julie Moffitt - Stolen
And I’d be happy to adore him from a distance
But knowing he adores me from a distance
Makes this hard
And its slow
Longing for just one more moment
Knowing that he has to go
And its false
And its weak
There’s nothing to be said now but in our silence we’re both aching to speak
Why I Chose This:
This is actually one of those songs I repeated over and over for this scene. It’s very poignant and to the point and simply sorrowful, as is the scene where they make love for the first time. Because they’re together, and they feel like it’s gonna be forever, but they both know it isn’t. Something has to change for it to be forever.
The Scene:
He was making slow work of unbuckling my belt and sliding my jeans down my legs, and I lay flat, watching him with adoration and impatience. I didn’t know if he loved me back. I really didn’t. But I figured I didn’t have much else going for me at the time. What was a little love going to do?
A lot. It was going to do a lot. But I decided to be selfish for once.
19. City and Colour - Sleeping Sickness
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?
Why I Chose This:
I actually just discovered this song today. But it’s another one of those that Cassie and I spaz about being PERFECT for this story. Because it is. Just listen to it. It totally is.
The Scene:
“I’m not leaving,” I said again, soft.
He tried to make a joke out of it. He shifted from foot to foot and attempted a smile. “Don’t mock my abandonment issues.”
“I’m not. I know what it’s like to be left, okay?”
I pulled his face close to mine and kissed him, hard, bruising. I didn’t care when our teeth clicked, and I didn’t care when he bit my tongue. His hands shoved at my hips, but after a beat, it turned to fumbling with the zipper of my jeans right there on the street. It was hard and fierce and there were probably camera snapping tourists everywhere. For the first time I didn’t care. Not even a little bit.
20. Scala - Creep
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.
I want a perfect body .
I want a perfect soul.
Why I Chose This:
It’s a reprise, in a way, of our first scene - not meeting James, but meeting Joseph. And I feel like it plays into his character so much too, the devastation, the loss, and the fact that he, just like Kendall, just wants everyone to be happy. He just doesn’t know where that got messed up.
The Scene:
“They’re killing him! You care about him don’t you?! Do you really want to watch him fucking… waste away?!”
“No!” And he looked shaken, lost, and so much like James that it killed me. He was wasting away too. “B-but…. What do you want me to do? What do you expect me to do?”
And there it was. Suddenly, he wasn’t the epitome of James. He was just like me, just as scared and unknowing and in love as me. In a way, I could understand. James was such an amazing, special individual. It must have been hard for anyone around him for a long time not to fall for him fast and hard. I knew that neither of us would be able to make it without him. Neither of us were really handling him the way he needed to be handled - because we cared too much. We were too delicate. We needed to do something big.
“James isn’t… he’s not going to get clean without you. He’s got to get back to what he was-“
“He’s not-I’m not-“
“Here.” I handed him the CD. He looked at me like I was insane. “Just listen to it, okay? Please.”
He gazed at it for a long time as if he was waiting for me to snatch it back and say forget it. But I wasn’t. I wouldn’t. This was for James.
“That disc… that’s what he could be right now. If he was clean. I really think… he could be happy again.”
Joseph’s shoulders and jaw tensed, like he was trying not to cry. “I thought he was happy.”
“You know how much he loves you. You two need each other to get through this.”
He nodded wearily, still not looking up from the CD. I could swear I saw a tear sliding out of his eye.
I felt like I might have gotten through to him. “I’ll come back soon, and you can tell me what you decide. You need to know that… I’m going to get James clean with or without you. But I’d rather he have both of us. And it’d be a hell of a lot easier with you on my side… just this once.”
I left him standing in a flickering stage light, hunching my shoulders and hitting the pavement once again.
21. Keane - A Bad Dream
Where do we go?
I don't even know,
My strange old face,
And I'm thinking about those days,
And I'm thinking about those days.
Why I Chose This:
This song is very powerful to me, especially in the terms of this fic, when everything, for lack of a better term, all goes to shit. And Kendall finally has to face everything he’s been ignoring for the entire story. He can’t recognize himself anymore. He’s, as I said earlier, living in a nightmare.
The Scene:
I clasped my hands over my ears, trying to will it out of my head, because it was toxic. I kept running, slipping around corners and over fences and through places I had never travelled. It all ran together, blurring in my vision, and I just kept looking. Because James…
I couldn’t even think clearly.
My phone rang.
I remember vaguely that stupid, ugly ringtone catching my attention, yanking me back to October, when Logan had called. When we decided to come out to L.A. When this whole thing started. And I froze in the middle of the sidewalk, gazing at the name flashing on the display.
Carlos.
I pushed it up to my ear.
“Hello?” I murmured, and my voice sounded so far away that I hardly recognized it.
“Hey! Where are you?”
Oh, Carlos.
Always so clueless.
“Wh-what?” I squeezed my eyes shut, because my head was hurting so badly now that I’d stopped running, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how James was gone, gone, gone, gone. And it was all my fault.
“The party? I know you’ve always been fashionably late, but three hours is impressive even for you.”
He sounded irritated.
“Oh…”
I don’t know why I said what I said next.
“I’ll… be there soon. Okay?”
And I hung up before he could say anything further.
22. Evan Rachel Wood - Blackbird
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Takes these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Why I Chose This:
Because I love the Beatles. Because I imagine Danika being Evan Rachel Wood. That’s how this happened. But I think it fits perfectly.
The Scene:
I remembered that I liked that song. And I liked her arrangement. It was poignant and slow and beautiful. Her bleached hair was curled, sliding around her face in the wind, and she was wearing a long, drab, black, lacy dress, and what looked like all the silver jewelry she owned. And she just kept singing, like she never even saw me.
I walked between Carlos and Logan.
“What happened?” I asked.
They were weeping, much too busy with grief to answer my question.
Then I remembered. Joseph… Guitar Dude… he was dead.
But where were his parents? Where was his family? Did he grow that estranged from them when he dove into the drug world of L.A.? Or maybe even before that? Did they not care? Were they gone too?
But then I was approaching the casket, and as I peered over it, I knew why.
Because their son wasn’t in that casket.
James was.
23. Elizabeth and the Catapult - Just In Time
And you came just in time
Just in time
To save this heart
From black and white
Why I Chose This:
This is yet another one of those that I repeated while writing. Mainly because I saw the band live and fell in LOVE. But this is the other side of Kendall and Logan’s friendship, where Logan, after everything, it still there when his friend needs him, because he loves him. And Kendall’s always doing the saving, without realizing that Logan’s saved him a lot too. Their reconciliation was just such a turning point. I really believe that.
The Scene:
“Are you fucking stupid? Is that what it is? Because I really, honestly don’t know-“
I looked up at him. My eyes were watering.
“Logan… You came back…”
“You’re lucky I have this massively good intuition. You know that?” He said. “I just… I knew something bad was going to happen. I knew it.”
“I…” I couldn’t talk. My voice completely left me. And he just kept lecturing.
So I just fell forward into his chest. And cried.
I cried like I never had before. I gripped to Logan and wailed into his shirt, my voice so raw and different. My chest heaved and contracted painfully, and I could feel my nails digging into his skin. But I couldn’t stop. I tried. I really did. But every time I attempted to pull myself together, I shattered further apart.
And then Logan’s arms were around me, and he was coddling me, like a child.
“Shhhh,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”
24. Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes
Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
Why I Chose This:
Because I’m a sucker for bookend-endings, and what better a way to do that than to take “Shut Your Eyes” and end it with “Open Your Eyes” by the same artist? Not to mention the lyrics fit the last scene quite quaintly, don’t you agree?
The Scene:
It was snowing outside, the powder soft and fresh and new. My wet hair turned to icicles in seconds, and I nearly ended up slipping and falling on my ass halfway to James’s car. He caught me with a steady hand. His fingers were warm in my grasp. I found my footing.
When James went to pull away, I didn’t let him. Instead, I laced our fingers together and squeezed. It was a risky move after what happened at the wedding, but I couldn’t help it.
He didn’t pull away.
“I don’t regret it,” he told me, squeezing my hand. His irises were luminous beneath the slate colored sky.
“Regret what?” I asked, snow melting against my skin. I was still coming down from the adrenaline of the game, and I couldn’t think straight.
“You.” James said, eyes blazing. “I could never regret you.”
He gave me the softest, fondest smile, and it belonged to a seventeen year old boy-god and a twenty nine year old drug addict and this thirty one year old superstar.
It was the same smile James has been giving me my entire life, and I thought, yeah.
We were going to be okay.
You can download the entire fanmix RIGHT HERE.
1. Snow Patrol - Shut Your Eyes
Shut your eyes and think of somewhere
Somewhere cold and caked in snow
By the fire we break the quiet
Learn to wear each other well
Why I Chose This:
Um, because it is the title of the story, and the inspiration for the very first scene. The first couple of riffs is what I hear in my head with Kendall’s breath, along with the scratch of his skates and it just sets me into the story almost immediately.
The Scene
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
I felt my chest tighten as the stick connected with my face, my helmet jerking upwards, my neck aching as it snapped back, sweat suddenly flying off my chin and nose, mixing with very red drops of blood from the slice across my cheek.
My hockey stick clattered against the ice. I remembered hearing it before I followed it to the ground.
2. Missy Higgins - Peachy
No of course you don't, of course you don't
You said life is peachy without me
Of course you don't, of course you don't
You said life is peachy without me
Why I Chose This:
I feel like this is a running theme in this story. Both James and Kendall are caught up in the idea of everyone being able to live their lives without them in it, and it bothers them. And I think this is part of why Kendall is so nervous to return to California. Thus, I feel like this is the theme of his return.
The Scene:
Imagine you’re about to see your family for the first time in years, a completely different person than who you used to be. Can you do it?
3. Radiohead - Creep
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.
I want a perfect body .
I want a perfect soul.
Why I Chose This:
Again, another duh moment. James sings it. However, when I first wrote this chapter, I wasn’t sure what song he was going to sing. I went through folders or repertoire, trying to find the perfect one, and caught it staring me in the face. This song embodies everything about how James feels about Kendall in this story. And the fact that he’s singing it when they meet again says a lot about where their relationship has been, and where it might go. I also chose the acoustic version of this song so that the reader can feel like they are in Kendall’s place, because that is all James is accompanied by, and I think it speaks so much more in the acoustic version.
The Scene:
He was lit up like an angel under that light, his hands gently gripping the microphone in front of his lips. He was wearing a black crew-neck shirt which had grayed with age, and his fingernails were chewed away. His ears were pierced, multiple-times in fact, and his sandy brown hair was a frizzled mess, yanked back behind him, close to his neck. And he was singing. Good God, he was singing like every word was stabbing him in the heart, and I knew it was because it was.
Because James Diamond was singing it.
4. Amos Lee - Colors
Yesterday i got lost in the circus,
feeling like such a mess.
And now I'm down,
I'm just hanging on the corner.
I can't help but reminisce.
Why I Chose This:
Not gonna lie. It’s one of my fave songs. BUT, it does suit this story, and the fact that they have both changed as individuals. It’s hard to look at someone you once knew and see someone completely different. It’s not exactly something that’s easy to deal with. Kendall wanted his meeting with James to be a lot different, a lot better. And he didn’t want to see all the flaws, the loss of life in his eyes. It, for lack of better words, completely knocks him on his ass, and he doesn’t know what to think.
The Scene:
Take something familiar, comforting, homey and pervert it, make it wrong. Now imagine you can’t figure out why. Every time you finally capture the whole picture, figure out where the brushstroke’s gone awry, pinpoint the spot where the edge has turned blurry, the pivotal flaw slips out of your fingers.
Like when you grasp at sand beneath the ocean’s surface and can never keep it from siphoning out of your palm.
James was just like that. I’d look at him and see the guy I’d grown up with, the same old flash of pearly white teeth and quirked lips, the kindness in his eyes, and then at next glance his smile became alien, his eyes hard. He had aged, but that wasn’t it.
And whenever my mind flickered to what the real problem might be, I squelched the thought, because it was too sick, too twisted, too surreal. This slippery idea, sand slithering from my grip.
5. Kate Voegele - Hallelujah
Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Why I Chose This:
I know, I know. This song is overused in many aspects. But this is another one of those songs that I feel is kind of a universal theme in this fic. Because even though it’s a love story, it’s far from perfect, and it’s far from okay. It’s a demented, fucked up, horrible, dirty, love. And this song points to that, and touches on the more poignant moments in this fucked up life they are living.
The Scene:
I yanked the covers up to my neck, but I was still freezing. I couldn’t sleep. I just stared at the curtains on the window and listened to the faint hum of the hallway lights. God… he was so damn skinny. He was just so damn skinny. And there was something inherently wrong in the fact that his hair was not perfect like it always had been. He’d been so particular with it before. It was just so damn wrong.
He did have a problem. A major problem. And I couldn’t fix it. Or… maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe I was sick and fucking tired of fixing everyone’s problems when I had my own to deal with. I felt like screaming, ripping myself open from the inside out. And my head was hurting. Fuck, it was hurting more than it ever had. There was a sharp, rapping, pounding, pain in my skull, just throbbing away with each beat of my heart. I curled even further into myself under those sheets, fairly sure that if I moved from that spot, I’d vomit.
It was true though. I had problems too. Why did I have to worry about everyone else all the time? I mean, damn it, it wasn’t like my life was going swimmingly. My friends had lives and I didn’t. Fuck, I had nothing going on in my life. I’d somehow along the way stumbled into a rut and just started carrying on like everything was fine. But it wasn’t. My career was quickly heading down the tubes since I wasn’t on the ice, and I was too fucking afraid to get on the ice because someone called me a faggot? Damn. Of course, the truth behind it may have been the problem. I didn’t know. But I was exhausted and scared and lonely and I had no one.
6. Lindsey Haun - Drowning
So look behind
The story’s all the same
You’re drowning in the end
Why I Chose This:
The lyrics don’t fit as much as the tone for this scene - in which Kendall and James get into a fistfight on his apartment floor, and it turns very violent and gets out of control. But it helps get some of the tension out of the air, because, hey, they are drowning in it. And it needed to be addressed before they could move forward.
The Scene:
James’ fist cracked across my jaw then and I stumbled backwards a couple of steps. He’d always had a mean right. Then, suddenly, rage exploded behind my eyes and I was attacking him, knocking him to the floor, fists flying. I guess I just wanted to blame him for everything bad that had happened to me, because it seemed like everything had gone to shit in my life about the same time it had in his. And I was just so fucking mad, because he could have been something. And he wasn’t. And it just… it infuriated me. I just kept punching him, wailing on him, and I couldn’t even feel whatever hits he delivered to me because I was just so mad with rage. James kneed me in the stomach, flipping me over and slamming his fists into my chest. And he was screaming. Just… screaming like all the pain in his heart would dissipate with every punch. And then his hands were on my throat and we weren’t kids anymore. Everything turned very real. James had been living on the street, fighting for his life on a daily basis.
And his hands were on my fucking throat, crushing my windpipe. I gasped for air, trying to roll the skinny boy off of me, but his adrenaline was rushing and keeping him strong. My lungs started to burn for oxygen and I flailed under him.
“Ja… Ja…” I sputtered, feeling my eyes trying to roll back in my head. “Ja-“
Then his hands were gone and I was left coughing and holding my throat. Sparks were still bursting before my eyes.
7. Stand Still, Look Pretty - The Wreckers
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over
Why I Chose This:
Actually, Garnetice used this in her sort-of fanmix, in the idea of James’ character in this story. But as I listened to it and worked with it and studied the lyrics, I thought that it actually fit Jo quite a bit too. I feel bad for Jo in this, and I think my biggest regret is that we weren’t able to play her as a bigger role, because she was such a staple in Kendall’s life, and clearly went through a lot of hurt to be his confidant, and I think he owes her a lot for that. I like to think that in the future, he will make it up to her somehow.
The Scene:
“I don’t know if it’s the kind of thing I can forgive you for,” Jo said earnestly, shrugging, “It’s not about how sorry you are. It’s about how much I loved you. And how much it hurt finding out the feeling wasn’t exactly mutual.”
“Jo, I really loved you. I still- love you. Just not…you know.”
“I do know, and Kendall, god, in some ways, I’ve moved past all of this. I don’t like holding grudges, and I know you don’t deserve it. You can’t help what you are. But there’s this part of me that knows I’m never going to move on, and it doesn’t matter whether you deserve it or not,” Jo said, her voice getting a little rough around the edges, like something was caught in her throat, “I’m always going to resent you for it. I can’t move on because there isn’t anybody better. There never has been, and there never will be.”
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know, but it doesn’t make a difference. You did,” she glanced away, and in that moment she wasn’t a movie star or a even a friend. From the delicate line of her neck to the curve of her shoulders to the tips of her toes, she was a stranger. And I’d made her that way.
8. Ida Maria - Keep Me Warm
And you, you keep me warm
You, you keep me warm
All your cigarettes and cup of coffee
It keeps me warm
Why I Chose This:
This is another one that Garnetice suggested. She said it’s basically her theme for this story, and that is because, A) she has great taste in music, and B) it does totally fit. So there. This is the perfect song for those quiet moments of them on the roof, searching for how they really feel for each other and trying to find forgiveness along the way. I just love imagining the cigarette smoke drifting to the sky as they sit there on that rooftop in the dusk.
The Scene:
He cast me that wolfish, almost unhappy grin of his, and said mockingly, “Maybe. Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it, if it makes you uncomfortable.”
I saw the warning for what it was, and I was just so damned tired.
“For tonight,” I agreed, and I saw the almost imperceptible way his shoulders relaxed.
That was it then. It would be me and him and Greater Los Angeles spread out before us, the city bright and quiet, the sky dark and empty. Like we were the last two people on Earth. I took a long drag on my cigarette.
Decent company and silence, for one night only.
I could handle that.
9. I Think I Love - Jamie Cullum
When I think what we could do.
If I could only say to you, yeah,
All of these things
Well, do I dare
And would you care?
Why I Chose This:
This is another song that is featured in this fic. I heard this song probably a couple of days before I wrote the chapter and absolutely fell in love with it. And still fantasize about Kendall singing it. (I’m an odd duck. My biggest fantasies are of beautiful people singing beautifully. I’m such a singer. Gah.) Anyway, I liked the idea of him singing something a little jazzy, a little casual, and a little romantic while James played, and this song fell in perfectly. It’s one of those songs you see couples dance to and smile, and this is totally not what they’re doing, but it has that same feel, y’know? I love the simple message behind it. It’s a classic little love song.
The Scene:
James’ hand moved up to the high end of the piano, his arm brushing against me, and yet he didn’t look there or anywhere else. He was still looking at me. His eyes were piercing through me like needles. I swallowed, suddenly realizing how dry my mouth had gotten. There were red flags going off in my mind, because, fuck, he was leaning in pretty close - or maybe I was - and I knew what kind of bad things could happen if I let him…
I felt my eyes flutter close, my heart slamming against my ribs. His breath tingled against my lips, and I found myself parting them, ready and willing. Fuck, I guess I was lonely.
10. Sia - Breathe Me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Why I Chose This:
As strong as they want to be, I feel like both James and Kendall are just children stuck in a grown-up world. They need friends and love and acceptance, but don’t know how to ask for it. They’ve never had to ask for it before, and it’s so tough for them. I think that’s why they kind of find it in each other, in their own demented way. It’s just easier for them to fall into each other’s arms and not fight for a change. But that’s not going to stay that way forever, no matter what they want to believe.
The Scene:
“I’m so fucking tired, James.” I wanted to cry. The statement was so simple yet so full of complexities that it made me want to sob until I couldn’t breathe. “I’m just so fucking tired.” I laid my head in the crook of his neck, and he held me there for a long time. I didn’t cry. That wasn’t really the “trying to be strong” I was going for.
I was tired. Not just physically. I was tired of everything. Of not knowing how I felt. Of not talking to my friends about what was going on. About masking my identity and calculating every move to keep others from finding out who or what I was. I was tired of being ashamed of myself, of every decision I made. I was tired of being so god damn lonely all the time because I was so afraid of anyone rejecting me once they found out.
And I knew deep down that the important ones wouldn’t, but it didn’t stop my brain from convincing me that they would.
I was tired of having to be strong, but at the same time, I was tired of letting everybody down.
I wrapped my arms around James’ torso and pulled him in even closer to me, because he was so warm, so relaxed. I felt like I could feed off of it. A warm body, no questions, just a warm, relaxed body. It was just something I needed. Something he needed. That was what he meant. I didn’t have to try to understand it at all, because it came instantly, so instantly that I never even noticed.
11. Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel) - Billy Joel
Good night my angel now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
Why I Chose This:
Again, this is briefly featured in the story. In fact, I feel like I should address that I’m not usually the type to put so many songs in a story, but music is such a big thing in Big Time Rush, and such a big thing in my life. I feel like my devotion as a performer really helped me write this. And I’m always singing, whether I’m happy, sad, etc. James would be the same way. He chooses this because it’s a beautiful song, and it’s a perfect, poignant lullaby that lets him drift back to his past, if only for a moment. I want to think someone once sang it to him when he needed it.
The Scene:
We laid there in silence, hardly breathing for fear it disrupt everything. He pulled the blankets up around us in the dark, and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest against my hand. And after what seemed like ages, he sang, very softly, into my hairline.
Good night my angel now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
That was all I heard.
12. Cobra Starship - Hot Mess
Stumbling but yeah, you're still looking hella fine
Keep doing what you're doing and I'ma make you mine
Well, you're a hot mess and I'm falling for you
And I'm like hot damn, let me make you my boo
cause you can shake it shake it shake it
Yeah you know what to do
You're a hot mess
I'm loving it, hell yes
Why I Chose This:
Because I fucking can. That’s why. Hahaha! But yeah, I wanted something crazy and out there for the club scene, and I can picture this booming through the speakers when James decides that kissing Kendall is a great idea. And he does put the hot in hot mess, ya’ll.
The Scene:
He looked at me, and his eyes were almost black. He fisted my shirt, pulling me flush against him. Suddenly, it was like the music wasn’t there at all, because I could hear him perfectly, even though he was whispering.
“You’re fucking hot.” He kissed me so hard that our teeth knocked together, and I wasn’t even able to process it. My brain went haywire, like maybe whatever had blanked his mind had slipped into my bloodstream and done the same to me, even though it was impossible.
Fucking hot? Yeah, no kidding.
And he was dragging me across the floor, off to a dark corner behind the speakers where it was even louder. James shoved me against the wall and pressed his mouth into mine. I gasped, trying to resist, but there was nothing I could do. He was shoving his tongue into my mouth with my protests and goddamn. I didn’t think well in heat. I really didn’t. I knew that if I had been in a less stifling room, I might have been able to use my brain, maybe remember what Logan had been telling me. But I wasn’t. And James was devouring my neck and kissing down my chest, and I was paralyzed against the wall and half-hard in my jeans.
“James,” I was stammering as he fiddled with my belt buckle. “N-not here….”
We were in public. We could be seen. Not that anyone was paying any attention, but I had gone to extreme lengths never even appear to like men, and James was ruining it. I had fought to keep an image. I had to be the hockey star that hung out with hot women. I had to be a man’s man. Macho. Strong. I couldn’t let people know that I was gay. I couldn’t let people see that I had one ounce of vulnerability, that I could lose control and I was afraid of it. I couldn’t be seen. I didn’t want to be seen, not with his hands running down my stomach, not with my jeans down around my ankles, not with James. One break in the plan, in the mask, and everything would be ruined. If word got out, I’d have nothing. No career, no private life, nothing. And if my mother found out, and Logan, and Carlos… I didn’t know what they would think. Would they hate me? Would they resent me for allowing our friend to corrupt me? And my father… I hadn’t seen him in years, but what if he saw me? He’d be ashamed. He’d be absolutely humiliated and happy he left his awful, faggot son, and would never, ever, want to be associated with me ever. It was all so terrifying to think about.
But then James was sucking my dick and nothing else mattered.
13. Marie Digby - Spell
And all my life I've stumbled
But up here I am just perfect
Perfect as I'll, ever be
I have you, for a moment
I can tell I've got you
Cuz your lips don't move
And something is happening
Cuz your eyes tell me the truth
I've put a spell over you
Why I Chose This:
This song suits a couple of different themes in this, both having to do with Kendall falling in love. Kendall fell hard for Chris, and got his heart broken. I can relate to that feeling. You feel like you’re absolutely under a spell, because everything a person does is suddenly the best thing ever. Only when you look back on it with objectivity do you ever realize that it was flawed or that maybe they were playing you, or whatever, and I’m getting too personally involved so I’ll stop.
The Scene:
Chris never hit me.
He never laid a hand on me- fuck, if he had, it would have been easier. I wouldn’t have stood for that, not ever, and maybe I could have left him with some of my dignity intact. But the truth was, he never once deliberately hurt me.
We manipulated each other, sure, all the time. We played these little games with no malicious intentions, to see who would break first, to see who cared most, to prove to each other who had more invested. Emotional fucking chicken.
He made me jump through hoops because, in the end, I won. He was more concerned with himself. He didn’t understand that I was desperately in love with him, or maybe he did and didn’t care, because we were young, and resilient, and he didn’t know how much it would sting. How I would have done anything to make him smile. And the more I realized he didn’t care as much, the more I learned to hate myself. It didn’t help that he was ashamed of us, that he would introduce me as a friend and that he would flirt with other people right in front of me without understanding that he was even flirting.
When I first figured out that I liked to fuck boys, I was scared, but I was willing to try anything once. He was the one who taught me to cower in shadows, to hide who I was.
When Jo found us fucking, when she called me a million horrible names, I was lost. I hadn’t meant to betray her, and I knew that I had. I knew that I’d done something irreparable. The thing with Chris, what she’d witnessed, it had been casual. I’d fooled around before him, but he was the first guy I fell for. And the funny thing was that I wasn’t even interested in him, not at first. When he came to the Palm Woods, I thought he was kind of a dick. He kept making fun of my dimples and flinging nasty song lyrics my way.
I guess jackass was kind of my type.
He was good with his hands, and he knew how to look at me in a way that shot straight to my cock. The sex had been a mistake, and it had ended my relationship with Jo. But it had lead to the start of something more serious with Chris.
I fell in love with him in the most hopeless, pathetic way. And at first, it was good, because he loved me back. I thought for sure that he loved me back. Only the more I tried to hold on, the more he slipped through my fingers.
When he met someone else, I guess it should have been a wakeup call. It wasn’t.
14. Caleb Kane - Once
You change in front of me
Your eyes get darker every day
It happens quietly
Your focus slowly burns away
And if you let me hear
The things you seem to wanna say
Though I am late
I will wait to go
Until I know you're somewhere safe
Why I Chose This:
Caleb Kane is always going to be one of my favorite singers. I’ll tell you why. You think he sounds familiar? That’s because he’s the singing voice for Aladdin. So yeah. Anyway, this is another one of those universal songs for this (and yeah, there are more to come), and it suit James’ decent into drug abuse as his entire world seems to fall apart. And Kendall follows that same decent in a way, very quietly, very subtly, until it kind of eats him alive.
The Scene:
Thinking back on it, it did seem like something had been off about James. He’d been really jittery in that last year. And there was one night that suddenly was standing out in stark clarity in my mind - after Carlos had said what he said. It wasn’t long after that night he’d cursed me to the porcelain gods at that party. He’d gotten trashed again, but it was different. He wasn’t just telling me to fuck off because I’d filled him full of vodka. It was so much more than that.
“I’m not gonna make it, Kendall,” he had sobbed. “I’m not gonna be able to do it on my own. I’m so scared.”
I thought it was just the alcohol filling him with self-doubt. But he sat in our living room and just cried and cried and cried. He wasn’t a crying drunk usually either, so it was particularly hard to take care of. I didn’t deal often with crying drunks. Carlos was the type that pulled more than lethal stunts, Logan was the giggly type, and James had the tendency to get a little randy. I was told I turned into an asshole, but I could never be sure since it didn’t take long for me to get wasted. And according to Chris, I was a fucking sex animal when I was drunk, so I had no idea which was more likely. Camille could be a bit of a crying drunk, but she always went through stages - the first one being that she’d take a good portion of her clothes off, which had been quite entertaining for everyone but me, who really didn’t give a fuck about tits by then. Though Logan’s being flustered - that was entertaining.
But James was hysterical that night, and he just kept saying “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
I should have listened. I should have taken it as a red flag. But I didn’t. I was too caught up in my dream lingering on the horizon; too sure of James’ worth, of his confidence; too blind to the fact that it’d been wavering so much at that point. I wasn’t paying attention to what he was actually saying.
“Sure you can,” I had said, in a tone well-rehearsed for whenever a friend was down on himself. “Now quit bawling. You’re being stupid.”
And he’d just sobbed harder, snotty and devastated. “I am stupid. I can’t do it. I can’t do this.”
I had laughed it off. I wish I hadn’t.
He really didn’t think he could make it without us.
15. Laura Marling - Night Terror
I woke up and he was screaming
I'd left him dreaming
I roll over and shake him tightly
And whisper "if they want you
Oh they're gonna have to fight me"
Oh fight me
Why I Chose This:
I love the mood this song portrays. It captures that itchy feeling in Kendall’s gut as he reaches for sleep but can’t quite get it because of his stress over James. I figure it has to be incredibly difficult because he’s basically living a nightmare he never expected. He’s watching his friend waste away and can’t seem to do anything about it.
The Scene:
He didn’t come back that night though, and when I laid down to sleep that night, my mind got away from me. I kept seeing James and Joseph, tangled in each other’s limbs, trading sloppy kisses and needles, hands roaming down to places considered sacred by some. I kept hearing James’ voice, but not moaning my name - but Joseph Joseph Joseph over and over and over, driving me mad.
I gritted my teeth and sat up in bed, calling him again, not giving a shit what the hour was.
Again, there was no answer. I slammed the phone down on the nightstand and curled up, glaring at the wall. I didn't like not knowing where he was. I didn’t want to wonder what he was putting in his body, whether he was alive or not.
Oh, God.
Alive.
And Guitar Dude looked so skinny and frightening. James wasn’t that far behind him.
I didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t answer his phone, and after running into Joseph at their typical hangout, I really didn’t want to risk going to look for him. I inhaled his scent, all over the bed, and longed for him.
Yeah. I was in love. Pretty sure.
16. Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)
Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.
Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...
Why I Chose This:
I actually listened to this a lot but never with the scene I’m applying it to. Only in hindsight to I realize that it is completely perfect for Logan and Kendall’s friendship in this fic. It takes this horrifying turn Chapter 21, and you can kind of just hear this sad lilting tune playing when Logan disappears behind the door. The song just oozes destruction.
The Scene:
“All our fucking lives, you were too afraid to say a word, to make a move, to do anything based on impulse. And the only time you did was when I told you to. You never made a decision like that on your own. Maybe I don’t want you running my life because all you’ve ever tried to do is impress me. That’s all you ever gave a shit about, was impressing the people around you. Oooh, look at how smart I am! Oooh, look at how popular I am! Oooh! Check out this backflip! You’re such a fucking attention whore!”
“WHAT?! Do you even hear yourself?! You and James were always the ones wanting the spotlight…e-especially James! And I didn’t come here to impress you. I wanted to spend time with you. That’s what this whole trip was about!”
“Oh, and when were you gonna pencil me in, Logan? Between stumbling around conversation and wishing you could fuck Camille, and trying to leech off of Carlos’ family?!”
Logan shoved me, his cheeks flushing red, and I seriously thought about shoving back, but my movement was a little impaired by alcohol so I decided against it. Even though my blood was boiling. I kept talking.
“Or maybe after you finish trying to convince my mom that I’m fucked up so you look like the sweet precious little angel she always wanted!”
“This has NOTHING to do with me!” Logan tried to fight back, but his words were starting to get broken up by shallow, angry breaths. “You’re trying to shovel all this blame on me and STOP IT! I’m trying to help you!”
“Well maybe I don’t want your help!” I screamed, finally, and my voice reverberated around the kitchen and disappeared into silence. “Why don’t you go bury yourself in your work so you don’t have to remember how fucking lonely you are!”
“Yeah, how’s that working for you?!”
My mind had left me, but my mouth kept running. Finally, in a low voice, I spoke again.
“Why don’t you just pack your shit and go back to Florida and get the fuck out of my life?”
Logan’s face fell, his dark eyes wide and lost, like a child that had just been told Santa wasn’t real.
“Is that what you want?” He asked, and his voice was tiny, barely audible with the roar in my ears.
“Yes.”
Logan’s eyelashes fluttered a little, but he kept his composure. “Fine. You know what? That’s just fine. Let’s just flush this friendship down the toilet and move on with our lives.”
“Fine.”
“Fine!”
Logan whirled around and stomped out the door.
As soon as it slammed, I regretted every word. But I couldn’t go after him.
I looked at my hands. They were shaking.
17. Liz Kellicut - What Are You Waiting For
All these words are my own
Tryin’ to act like I am grown
But you’re leaving
And I’m grieving cause I’m
Stuck believing I could have you to myself
Why I Chose This:
Um. I wrote this specifically for this story. Though that isn’t what I tell some people (because really, writing a song for a fanfic seems a little pathetic, doesn’t it?). I wrote this and played it and sang it and all that. And I’m actually a little hesitant to put this out here because I could sell it in the future, but we shall see. You guys get it free this time. If I ever get it up on iTunes though, it’s totally being pulled off here. Sorry. :P But yeah. I can’t say why I chose it because this is the theme of this. This is how James felt, in song form. Or at least, that’s what I tried to convey.
The Scene:
I loved him so much. There was no moving past it. Old James and new James meshed through the song, and he was the same person, flaws and perfections and all. And I was in love with every bit.
I just wanted to be happy. That was all I wanted. How did I lose that? How did I manage to mess that up?
“Where did you get that?”
I jolted up, shutting off the stereo, the voice striking me like I’d been slapped.
James was standing in my living room, looking down at me shuddering on the sofa. He didn’t look angry. Just confused.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly, my voice shaky in my throat.
We never said sorry to each other. So I was pushing it.
Then James looked even more devastated than I felt. “F-for what?”
“I shouldn’t have left…”
“What?” James yanked me up by the collar of my shirt. “Did you even listen to that all the way through?! I wanted you to leave! I wanted you to be happy!”
I withered, and the tears came fresh. “But… I’m not.” I was ashamed.
18. Julie Moffitt - Stolen
And I’d be happy to adore him from a distance
But knowing he adores me from a distance
Makes this hard
And its slow
Longing for just one more moment
Knowing that he has to go
And its false
And its weak
There’s nothing to be said now but in our silence we’re both aching to speak
Why I Chose This:
This is actually one of those songs I repeated over and over for this scene. It’s very poignant and to the point and simply sorrowful, as is the scene where they make love for the first time. Because they’re together, and they feel like it’s gonna be forever, but they both know it isn’t. Something has to change for it to be forever.
The Scene:
He was making slow work of unbuckling my belt and sliding my jeans down my legs, and I lay flat, watching him with adoration and impatience. I didn’t know if he loved me back. I really didn’t. But I figured I didn’t have much else going for me at the time. What was a little love going to do?
A lot. It was going to do a lot. But I decided to be selfish for once.
19. City and Colour - Sleeping Sickness
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?
Why I Chose This:
I actually just discovered this song today. But it’s another one of those that Cassie and I spaz about being PERFECT for this story. Because it is. Just listen to it. It totally is.
The Scene:
“I’m not leaving,” I said again, soft.
He tried to make a joke out of it. He shifted from foot to foot and attempted a smile. “Don’t mock my abandonment issues.”
“I’m not. I know what it’s like to be left, okay?”
I pulled his face close to mine and kissed him, hard, bruising. I didn’t care when our teeth clicked, and I didn’t care when he bit my tongue. His hands shoved at my hips, but after a beat, it turned to fumbling with the zipper of my jeans right there on the street. It was hard and fierce and there were probably camera snapping tourists everywhere. For the first time I didn’t care. Not even a little bit.
20. Scala - Creep
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.
I want a perfect body .
I want a perfect soul.
Why I Chose This:
It’s a reprise, in a way, of our first scene - not meeting James, but meeting Joseph. And I feel like it plays into his character so much too, the devastation, the loss, and the fact that he, just like Kendall, just wants everyone to be happy. He just doesn’t know where that got messed up.
The Scene:
“They’re killing him! You care about him don’t you?! Do you really want to watch him fucking… waste away?!”
“No!” And he looked shaken, lost, and so much like James that it killed me. He was wasting away too. “B-but…. What do you want me to do? What do you expect me to do?”
And there it was. Suddenly, he wasn’t the epitome of James. He was just like me, just as scared and unknowing and in love as me. In a way, I could understand. James was such an amazing, special individual. It must have been hard for anyone around him for a long time not to fall for him fast and hard. I knew that neither of us would be able to make it without him. Neither of us were really handling him the way he needed to be handled - because we cared too much. We were too delicate. We needed to do something big.
“James isn’t… he’s not going to get clean without you. He’s got to get back to what he was-“
“He’s not-I’m not-“
“Here.” I handed him the CD. He looked at me like I was insane. “Just listen to it, okay? Please.”
He gazed at it for a long time as if he was waiting for me to snatch it back and say forget it. But I wasn’t. I wouldn’t. This was for James.
“That disc… that’s what he could be right now. If he was clean. I really think… he could be happy again.”
Joseph’s shoulders and jaw tensed, like he was trying not to cry. “I thought he was happy.”
“You know how much he loves you. You two need each other to get through this.”
He nodded wearily, still not looking up from the CD. I could swear I saw a tear sliding out of his eye.
I felt like I might have gotten through to him. “I’ll come back soon, and you can tell me what you decide. You need to know that… I’m going to get James clean with or without you. But I’d rather he have both of us. And it’d be a hell of a lot easier with you on my side… just this once.”
I left him standing in a flickering stage light, hunching my shoulders and hitting the pavement once again.
21. Keane - A Bad Dream
Where do we go?
I don't even know,
My strange old face,
And I'm thinking about those days,
And I'm thinking about those days.
Why I Chose This:
This song is very powerful to me, especially in the terms of this fic, when everything, for lack of a better term, all goes to shit. And Kendall finally has to face everything he’s been ignoring for the entire story. He can’t recognize himself anymore. He’s, as I said earlier, living in a nightmare.
The Scene:
I clasped my hands over my ears, trying to will it out of my head, because it was toxic. I kept running, slipping around corners and over fences and through places I had never travelled. It all ran together, blurring in my vision, and I just kept looking. Because James…
I couldn’t even think clearly.
My phone rang.
I remember vaguely that stupid, ugly ringtone catching my attention, yanking me back to October, when Logan had called. When we decided to come out to L.A. When this whole thing started. And I froze in the middle of the sidewalk, gazing at the name flashing on the display.
Carlos.
I pushed it up to my ear.
“Hello?” I murmured, and my voice sounded so far away that I hardly recognized it.
“Hey! Where are you?”
Oh, Carlos.
Always so clueless.
“Wh-what?” I squeezed my eyes shut, because my head was hurting so badly now that I’d stopped running, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how James was gone, gone, gone, gone. And it was all my fault.
“The party? I know you’ve always been fashionably late, but three hours is impressive even for you.”
He sounded irritated.
“Oh…”
I don’t know why I said what I said next.
“I’ll… be there soon. Okay?”
And I hung up before he could say anything further.
22. Evan Rachel Wood - Blackbird
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Takes these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Why I Chose This:
Because I love the Beatles. Because I imagine Danika being Evan Rachel Wood. That’s how this happened. But I think it fits perfectly.
The Scene:
I remembered that I liked that song. And I liked her arrangement. It was poignant and slow and beautiful. Her bleached hair was curled, sliding around her face in the wind, and she was wearing a long, drab, black, lacy dress, and what looked like all the silver jewelry she owned. And she just kept singing, like she never even saw me.
I walked between Carlos and Logan.
“What happened?” I asked.
They were weeping, much too busy with grief to answer my question.
Then I remembered. Joseph… Guitar Dude… he was dead.
But where were his parents? Where was his family? Did he grow that estranged from them when he dove into the drug world of L.A.? Or maybe even before that? Did they not care? Were they gone too?
But then I was approaching the casket, and as I peered over it, I knew why.
Because their son wasn’t in that casket.
James was.
23. Elizabeth and the Catapult - Just In Time
And you came just in time
Just in time
To save this heart
From black and white
Why I Chose This:
This is yet another one of those that I repeated while writing. Mainly because I saw the band live and fell in LOVE. But this is the other side of Kendall and Logan’s friendship, where Logan, after everything, it still there when his friend needs him, because he loves him. And Kendall’s always doing the saving, without realizing that Logan’s saved him a lot too. Their reconciliation was just such a turning point. I really believe that.
The Scene:
“Are you fucking stupid? Is that what it is? Because I really, honestly don’t know-“
I looked up at him. My eyes were watering.
“Logan… You came back…”
“You’re lucky I have this massively good intuition. You know that?” He said. “I just… I knew something bad was going to happen. I knew it.”
“I…” I couldn’t talk. My voice completely left me. And he just kept lecturing.
So I just fell forward into his chest. And cried.
I cried like I never had before. I gripped to Logan and wailed into his shirt, my voice so raw and different. My chest heaved and contracted painfully, and I could feel my nails digging into his skin. But I couldn’t stop. I tried. I really did. But every time I attempted to pull myself together, I shattered further apart.
And then Logan’s arms were around me, and he was coddling me, like a child.
“Shhhh,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”
24. Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes
Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
Why I Chose This:
Because I’m a sucker for bookend-endings, and what better a way to do that than to take “Shut Your Eyes” and end it with “Open Your Eyes” by the same artist? Not to mention the lyrics fit the last scene quite quaintly, don’t you agree?
The Scene:
It was snowing outside, the powder soft and fresh and new. My wet hair turned to icicles in seconds, and I nearly ended up slipping and falling on my ass halfway to James’s car. He caught me with a steady hand. His fingers were warm in my grasp. I found my footing.
When James went to pull away, I didn’t let him. Instead, I laced our fingers together and squeezed. It was a risky move after what happened at the wedding, but I couldn’t help it.
He didn’t pull away.
“I don’t regret it,” he told me, squeezing my hand. His irises were luminous beneath the slate colored sky.
“Regret what?” I asked, snow melting against my skin. I was still coming down from the adrenaline of the game, and I couldn’t think straight.
“You.” James said, eyes blazing. “I could never regret you.”
He gave me the softest, fondest smile, and it belonged to a seventeen year old boy-god and a twenty nine year old drug addict and this thirty one year old superstar.
It was the same smile James has been giving me my entire life, and I thought, yeah.
We were going to be okay.