Shut Your Eyes - Chapter 23
Title: Shut Your Eyes
Authors: goten0040 and garnetice
Chapter: 23
Rating: M
Ship(s): Kendall/James, Carlos/Stephanie, Logan/Camille, maybe more.
Summary: Future!Fic. Kendall returns to L.A. six years after Big Time Rush disbanded. James has been missing for years. Imagine how things change when James reappears in his life. And he needs help.
Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22
Chapter Twenty-Three
We fucked three times before James finally wore out and collapsed into the pillows on my bed, and I laid next to him, absently stroking his back, staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t sleep - big surprise - but I couldn’t stop thinking about what to do next. It was complicated. I’d messed up a lot of things. And now that I had James, I needed to get back to good, somehow.
But first. I really needed some sleep.
Too bad it was so hard to do.
I curled into James and closed my eyes and tried my hardest to get some shuteye.
I slept for maybe an hour. When my eyes cracked open, James was gone, his side of the bed still somewhat warm from his body heat. For a second, I honestly panicked. I thought he’d left me. After all the promises I had made not to leave him, he’d never for a second agreed to the same. And I hadn’t really thought about how I could deal with James actually leaving, with the not-knowing. I didn’t think I could deal with it again.
Then I heard the shuffling in the bathroom and I let out a sigh of relief, only to suck it back in when I heard a noise that sounded much more like a sob than anything.
“James?” I called out, clambering out of bed and sliding some jeans on - even though I was sore as hell, and movement was the worst thing in the world.
I cracked open the door, and the noises were louder. He was sobbing.
“James?”
He was in the empty bathtub, shaking against the wall, his arm belted and a syringe in his hand. He looked at me with terrified eyes, his face ghostly white and looking so much gaunter in the dim light.
“N-need… it,” he stammered before tumbling over the commode next to the tub and vomiting. “C-can’t find… a vein.”
He held it out to me, pleading with his eyes, and I couldn’t help myself.
I clambered into the tub with him and holding him to my chest as he shuddered and quaked with withdrawal, that syringe in my shaking hand. It was clean for the most part, but I couldn’t help but feel like it was diseased, tainted, rusted. James leaned his face into my neck, and I could feel his shuddering breath on my skin, the quick jerks of his body as he begged for my help. I felt gently at his scarred arm, felt for a vein in that pulsing body, and found one nearly collapsed. Collapsed… I didn’t like the fact that his veins were collapsed. Sweat was sticking his hair to my skin, and he was legitimately crying, like he had in seventh grade when he had the flu at school and ended up in such bad shape that an ambulance had to be called. He was never one to handle sickness well. And yet, here he was, filling his body with it, allowing the addiction to possess his mind…. I stuck the needle in his arm, watching where the skin indented underneath its point, and God… I thought I was going to vomit. But I held steady, sliding that poison, that awful shit, into his arm. I tried to tell myself it was just like giving him a shot… but I knew the shot was actually killing him. He began thanking me incoherently, clinging to me as the shaking began to subside, and sleep began to claim him. I pet his hair, wishing the drugs had never taken him away from me.
But then again, had they really? Or had I pushed him at them and run? Seemed more like the latter to me. But I knew that I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t let him waste away in my arms. Because not knowing where he was was one thing. Knowing he was dead was another. The entire idea left a sour taste in my mouth.
“I love you,” I said softly, knowing he was slumbering in my arms.
And that was why I had to do something.
I carried James to bed after what seemed like hours, and I set forth on making a plan. I’d always been a fixer and I wasn’t about to stop that because of a few set-backs. And as much as I really did love James, I couldn’t let him drag me down with him. I couldn’t watch him die. First, I promised myself never to shoot him up again. If I had let him suffer through the withdrawal, he might have started to recover. But I couldn’t watch him go through it. Not that night. Not after I had told him I’d be there for him. And he needed me.
First thing was first…
I called Logan. His phone rang into his answering machine.
“Hey,” I said softly, waiting, wishing he would pick up. He didn’t. I hung up. It was a start.
Then I gathered the CD James had recorded, shoving it into my jeans pocket. I slipped on a flannel shirt and slipped into the bedroom where James was still sleeping.
“I’ll be back soon,” I said softly, kissing him on just above his right eye.
“Mmmuh, okay,” he murmured; then pulled me in for a kiss that was sloppy and lazy. I snickered against him, wrenching my face away with a smile.
“Not now. I have things to do.”
James was a little too dazed to argue, so he rolled over and went back to sleep. I saw the inflamed red spot where I had injected him, and it only solidified what I had to do. I left James a note, just in case he was too high to remember that I’d told him I’d be back, and headed out.
…
I slipped up the metal stairs and through that creaky metal door, and I was immediately uncomfortable. I knew what I was about to face, and I wasn’t looking forward to it one bit. But it had to be done. So I gritted my teeth and made my way across the catwalk, down to the stage. Guitar Dude actually didn’t hear me come down. He was concentrating on his guitar playing, some song that I just barely recognized but couldn’t place at the time.
But when he caught sight of me, he immediately stopped, scowling.
“What the fuck do you want?”
I held up my hands in defense, though he looked a little too sluggish to really do anything about it. His hands looked a little shaky, but not nearly as bad as James had last night.
I didn’t like comparing them, especially when James has been so much worse.
“Calm down. I just need to talk to you.”
“Fuck off.”
“Look,” I stammered, trying to get a handle on the situation. “I know you don’t like me.”
“Oh, so glad you got the memo!”
“Hey, I don’t like you either, alright? We can agree on that. But we both care about James.”
He grimaced, like it literally sickened him to agree with me.
“I already told you-“
“Yeah, yeah, you just keep telling yourself that he’s using me. But he’s not.”
Joseph glared, putting down the guitar. “I was there for him when you weren’t.”
“Well, I’m here now. And I’m not leaving, so you better get used to it.”
“So you…” And there was a strange new tone to his voice that I hadn’t heard before. “So you think you can just waltz back in here and take him away? Is that it? You arrogant prick.” He shoved me. I didn’t shove him back. “Cause you’re so much better.”
“I don’t want him living this life, Joseph. This isn’t where he belongs.”
“What the fuck do you know?! You didn’t watch what your life did to him! You don’t know anything!” His voice was raw, and more emotional than I had ever heard it. It actually had me rocking back on my heels a little, alarmed. He wilted a little, exhausted, pushing some of his long, matted, hair out of his face. “Those people… those Hollywood elites? They’re poison. They… they take your soul. They do everything they can to turn you into their own little robot, to make you do what they say. And if you’re not perfect… you’re nothing.”
“The drugs are taking his soul, Joseph…”
“Shut up!”
“They are!” I yelled, my own voice suddenly unrecognizable too. “They’re killing him! You care about him don’t you?! Do you really want to watch him fucking… waste away?!”
“No!” And he looked shaken, lost, and so much like James that it killed me. He was wasting away too. “B-but…. What do you want me to do? What do you expect me to do?”
And there it was. Suddenly, he wasn’t the epitome of James. He was just like me, just as scared and unknowing and in love as me. In a way, I could understand. James was such an amazing, special individual. It must have been hard for anyone around him for a long time not to fall for him fast and hard. I knew that neither of us would be able to make it without him. Neither of us were really handling him the way he needed to be handled - because we cared too much. We were too delicate. We needed to do something big.
“James isn’t… he’s not going to get clean without you. He’s got to get back to what he was-“
“He’s not-I’m not-“
“Here.” I handed him the CD. He looked at me like I was insane. “Just listen to it, okay? Please.”
He gazed at it for a long time as if he was waiting for me to snatch it back and say forget it. But I wasn’t. I wouldn’t. This was for James.
“That disc… that’s what he could be right now. If he was clean. I really think… he could be happy again.”
Joseph’s shoulders and jaw tensed, like he was trying not to cry. “I thought he was happy.”
“You know how much he loves you. You two need each other to get through this.”
He nodded wearily, still not looking up from the CD. I could swear I saw a tear sliding out of his eye.
I felt like I might have gotten through to him. “I’ll come back soon, and you can tell me what you decide. You need to know that… I’m going to get James clean with or without you. But I’d rather he have both of us. And it’d be a hell of a lot easier with you on my side… just this once.”
I left him standing in a flickering stage light, hunching my shoulders and hitting the pavement once again.
I was feeling pretty good about myself for making the effort, so I called Logan again. He still didn’t pick up. I didn’t bother with the message. I wanted to be stubborn about that too, because as awful as I had been to him, I really didn’t want to think I’d shut the door on our friendship forever. We’d had plenty of fights over the years, after all.
Then again, this one was a lot bigger than anything we’d ever bickered about when we were little.
But I was trying to stay positive. I had James. It seemed I’d gotten through to Joseph. I was sure if I could manage not to worry Logan too much, he’d come back too. And if he didn’t…
Well, at least I wouldn’t be a burden on him anymore.
I tried to push the thought from my mind, picking up some In-N-Out for James and me and heading back to the apartment for the greasiest breakfast ever.
…
“Mornin’,” I greeted with a grin, watching James hover over his coffee, but not really drink it.
He looked rough. I supposed the withdrawal would do that.
“You look happy,” he said, smiling, but way too tired to make it look real.
“I’ve got In-N-Out.”
James grimaced. “At ten in the morning?”
“Never too early for animal fries.”
“You have a horrible diet. I just hope you know that.”
“You could afford to put on a few,” I replied good-naturedly, dropping the bag in front of him. “How are you feeling?”
He smirked. “I’m fine. You’re walking a little wobbly though. Hope I didn’t hurt you too bad.”
I made sure to play up having difficulty sitting down. “No, no. Of course not.” Then we laughed. He laid his hand on top of mine and actually munched on a few animal fries.
“Where’d you go? I don’t think In-N-Out is out the door at this time of day.”
I laced my fingers with his, and took a massive bite full of burger, only to realize that, yeah, it was kind of early for In-N-Out, and I felt a little sick to my stomach.
“Told you,” James chided with a grin, so I choked down the whole thing in a matter of minutes, just to spite him.
“I just had get some stuff done.” Then I lied. “Paid my electric bill, stuff like that.”
I didn’t like lying to him, but he seemed to believe me for once. Besides, if he knew that I had prodded Joseph into helping him get clean, he’d never accept the help. James stood and sauntered around the table, wrapping his arms around my shoulder and kissing me on the neck. I leaned into him, closing my eyes and relishing the moment. One thing I hated was how used I’d gotten to him being high. I couldn’t tell the difference anymore.
But then, I could tell myself that he would be the same when he was better. Except he’d be safe.
“I had a dream while you were gone,” James said. “I dreamt that you were playing guitar for me.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes,” James said.
“I can do that.”
“Can you do it without your clothes on? You weren’t wearing any in my dream.”
I chuckled against another kiss to my collarbone. “But then I wouldn’t get any playing done.”
“Oh, I’m sure you could get through a couple of lyrics,” James murmured, swinging his leg over the chair and straddling me. Then he was kissing me fiercely, and even though I was so fucking sore, I never wanted to let him go.
I thought about what our lives would be like if he was sober. We had a good amount of money. We could spend every day waking up late in each other’s arms if we wanted to. We could spend every night singing songs and watching television and movies and just enjoying the company. We could go to parties that didn’t involve skeezy bars or drugs. We could visit our families, our friends, without those sad, worried looks. And maybe, just maybe, I could play hockey again.
It didn’t sound like a bad plan at all.
He was unbuttoning my shirt and kissing down my chest when my phone rang.
“Ohhh, come on,” I groaned, lifting it to see that it was Carlos. “Alright, quit it for a second.”
James made a frustrated noise, but I kissed him on the top of his head and he just leaned into my shoulder while I pressed the phone to my ear.
“Carlitos, how’s it going?”
“Wow,” he said.
“What?”
“Nothing. You just sound… happy.”
I didn’t really think I sounded any different. But I was happy for the moment, fleeting as I knew it would be.
“What’s up?”
“Well, I wanted to invite you to a party this weekend.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah! Steph and I are finding out the sex of the baby this weekend, so we thought we should share it with our closest friends and family, y’know? Katie’s coming, and your mom, and Camille…”
And Logan, I wanted to finish. But he was in Florida.
Yep. Fleeting, alright.
“Oh, um… sure. Yeah, I’ll come,” I said, a little distracted by the fact that James’ impatience had gotten the better of him and he was currently sliding his hand down into my jeans and mouthing my neck again. “Sounds great.”
“Great! Oh, man. I want it to be a boy. No! A girl! I think I’d be a good daddy to a little girl. And I could scare away potential dates. But the boy could be fun to roughhouse with…”
I smiled. “I’m sure you’ll get to roughhouse with whatever she has, man.”
“Yeah,” he sighed, and it was the sound of bliss. “Man, I wish Logan would come back. It’s gonna be a big day.”
And I had a feeling in my gut that, yeah, it really was going to be a big day.
“Hey, you’re breathing a little funny,” he said absently. “Are you okay?” I heard Stephanie start to giggle in the background and I flushed bright red, even though he couldn’t see me.
Yeah, I was. Because James had found my dick, and was stroking it very gently, teasingly slow. “Oh, y-yeah. Fine,” I said. “Just got back from a run.”
“You don’t need to lose weight, dude. You’re skinny enough. Your mom’s just gonna send you home with more food.”
“I have greasy In-N-Out right in front of me, thank you very much.”
“Well, kick back for a bit. Your breathing’s ragged,” Carlos said.
Stephanie was full on laughing in the background. “Honey, let him off the phone. Can’t you hear he’s busy?”
I was on speakerphone. That jerk. And I could feel a moan bubbling in my throat that was threatening to escape.
“Oh,” Carlos said. Then, with clarity. “OH! Dude!” Then he cackled, and I was embarrassed. “Well, you have fun with your pretty young thing. See you Saturday!”
And he hung up.
And James was laughing harder that Stephanie and Carlos combined. “Pretty young thing! Oh, my God!”
“Dude, shut up!” I squeaked, but then we were kissing again, small argument forgotten in the heat of lust.
His hands were on my neck, fingers pushing my jaw open so he could get more space, and his tongue was slipping over my teeth like he’d done it a million times.
It kind of felt like he had.
…
The next few days were similar to that one - filled with a very much missed joy and plenty of sex. I found myself falling harder for him every day. Each little glance in my direction made my heart flutter. Each smile made me melt. And when he laced his fingers with mine, or kissed me, or groaned my name, I wondered how I’d managed without him even for a second.
Then I remembered, that really, I kind of hadn’t.
And I did play guitar for him one morning, sitting cross-legged on the bed, the instrument the only thing hiding my shame, so to speak. And, as I predicted, I made it through maybe a verse before James was jumping me and pushing me into the mattress.
God, everything seemed so perfect during the day.
At night, though, he was still shooting up. And I shouldn’t have been flattered that he would allow himself to get into massive withdrawal before he shot up. I knew in the back of my mind that I needed to talk to Joseph. I needed to push my plan forward. I couldn’t afford to get so caught up in the fact that I was with James that I was unable to save him.
But I couldn’t help it. I was just so happy to have him, all to myself, even for a short time.
Remember what I said about happiness being fleeting?
James had been kissing me against the kitchen counter when his phone buzzed in his pocket, vibrating against both of our thighs.
“Is that your phone or are you happy to see me?” I joked and he rolled his eyes, pulling it out of his pocket and giving me a playful slap on the chest.
“Hello?” he answered, all cheer. Then, his face took on this strange, stony look, and he was walling himself away from me. I felt panic rise in my chest and I reached out for him. He stepped away. “What? No. No. I’ll be right there. Bye.”
He looked to me. “Sorry. To be continued.”
“What happened?”
The color was draining from his face as he turned away from me. “I don’t… I don’t know right now. Okay?”
And he left.
I thought seriously about going after him, but I couldn’t get my feet to move. There was an overwhelming feeling of dread weighing me down, holding me to the floor, and damn… I had never felt so sick to my stomach. Something had happened. I felt it all the way through my bones.
I called Logan again. It went to voicemail.
Suddenly, I felt like nothing was alright. I was back to where I had been before. Lost. Wondering. Terrified. Except this time, I didn’t have Logan to fall back on. After all, Katie suggested I get help. But when it really came down to it, I really couldn’t think of who to ask. I’d been so awful… who would want to?
…
James was gone for hours. I found myself craving him desperately, calling him every fifteen minutes, basically being what every obsessed lover could be. But it wasn’t because I was obsessed. Or not completely. It was because with each ticking minute that passed, I felt worse and worse. I couldn’t eat. I definitely couldn’t sleep. I just knew something was wrong.
That feeling didn’t change when James stormed into my apartment. I was in the kitchen when I heard him come in.
“James!” I exclaimed, and I couldn’t contain the concern in my voice when he rounded the corner to face me.
He looked… different, his eyes more wild than I’d ever seen them, and bloodshot. His hair was frayed in places and he was dirty and covered in… God, was it vomit? And his nose had been bleeding. The crust of blood was dried over the top of his upper lip. He couldn’t seem to stop moving. He was literally vibrating with energy.
I thought that this must have been the James on coke that Joseph had warned me about.
“What… what happened?”
James held up the CD. The CD I gave Joseph.
Then smashed it against the cabinets, screaming, “YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
And his hands were on me, bruising me on contact. I winced, trying to look him straight in the eye, but his pupils were practically jumping.
“Wh-what-“ I stammered, my heart hammering in my chest.
And then James slammed my head into the cabinets. Pain bloomed in my skull and my ears were ringing. I gripped the counter, trying to stop my knees from buckling.
But I could still hear what James said. It pierced through the roar of it all, straight into my soul.
“You KILLED HIM!” Tears were sliding out of the sides of his eyes, but the room was so bright that it was hard to tell. “You KILLED JOSEPH!”
It started to click.
Joseph was dead.
He… was actually dead.
James shook me, trying to hit me against the counter again, but I managed to scramble out of his grasp, stumbling to the floor. My heartbeat was pounding in my head, a constant rhythm that only seemed to get quicker as he pursued me. I tried my best to crawl away, but he grabbed me by the foot and dragged me back to him. I kicked him in the knee. He threw me across the kitchen in a clatter of pots and pans.
“You ruined everything!”
He spun on his heel and rushed out, knocking shit down as he went. I leaned against the oven, trying to gather my bearings. I had to go after him. I couldn’t let him leave. If I let him leave he would be out of my life forever.
But I had ruined everything.
I had killed Joseph.
I had given him that CD. I had made him feel guilty. I had made him think he didn’t make James happy. He loved James. I should have recognized that heartbroken look on his face before I left, the same one I’d worn but on a much more vulnerable façade. I should have made sure…
He had overdosed. I knew it in my heart.
But it was still my fault.
I didn’t care. I couldn’t let him go.
But by the time I had gotten to my feet and rushed after him, he was long gone. I don’t know how long it actually took me to get up. I ran to the nearest passerby and asked if she’d seen him.
“Um, honey, are you okay?” she asked, and she looked really fucking wary of me.
“Have you seen him?!” I half-commanded. “He’s about six-foot, skinny, with long brown hair and hazel eyes, and…”
I felt a lump in my throat. I knew everything about James. Every little freckle, every little scar. But I couldn’t describe him any further to her. Because she didn’t understand.
“I think you need a doctor-“
“I need to find him!”
Fuck her, I thought, pushing past her and running down the sidewalk. And I didn’t stop anyone. I just kept running. Like, maybe he would pop out in front of me and I could tackle him and beg him to stay and forgive me, because I had gone to Joseph with the best intentions. I hadn’t meant to…
To…
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
It flashed in my head, and I nearly collided with a streetlight, clinging to it and swinging to stop my momentum. I was shaking so hard that my wrists were clanging against the damn thing, and I didn’t feel like I could get any air into my lungs. They were hollow, ripped from my chest.
“You ruined everything!”
I squeezed my eyes shut, a fresh wave of pain washing over me, and I clutched that pole like it was the only thing holding me to the planet.
Mainly because it was.
I searched for him in every face that passed by, and I kept running and screaming his name. And the thing with the people in the area of L.A. I was looking for him… they would just stare. They wouldn’t help. They would just look at me like I’d lost my mind. Some would shoo their children away from me, like I was some crazed monster.
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
I clasped my hands over my ears, trying to will it out of my head, because it was toxic. I kept running, slipping around corners and over fences and through places I had never travelled. It all ran together, blurring in my vision, and I just kept looking. Because James…
I couldn’t even think clearly.
My phone rang.
I remember vaguely that stupid, ugly ringtone catching my attention, yanking me back to October, when Logan had called. When we decided to come out to L.A. When this whole thing started. And I froze in the middle of the sidewalk, gazing at the name flashing on the display.
Carlos.
I pushed it up to my ear.
“Hello?” I murmured, and my voice sounded so far away that I hardly recognized it.
“Hey! Where are you?”
Oh, Carlos.
Always so clueless.
“Wh-what?” I squeezed my eyes shut, because my head was hurting so badly now that I’d stopped running, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how James was gone, gone, gone, gone. And it was all my fault.
“The party? I know you’ve always been fashionably late, but three hours is impressive even for you.”
He sounded irritated.
“Oh…”
I don’t know why I said what I said next.
“I’ll… be there soon. Okay?”
And I hung up before he could say anything further.
There was something sticky on my phone. I wiped it off on my shirt and put it back in my pocket.
James was gone.
James was gone.
James was gone.
I looked up.
Where the fuck was I? I had lost all track of distance and time and everything. Because James was gone.
And it was all my fault.
Joseph was dead.
And it was all my fault.
And James was gone.
I wanted to scream.
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
“You ruined everything!”
“Faggot!”
“Why don’t you just pack your shit and go back to Florida and get the fuck out of my life?!”
“Fine!”
“I wanted you to leave! I wanted you to be happy!”
“But I’m not.”
“I thought he was happy.”
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
I don’t know how I ended up outside of Carlos’ home. I honestly don’t. But I’d lost another hour in the pursuit.
I let myself in. Carlos had a bad habit of not locking doors. I could hear him and Stephanie in the living room, silencing the crowd.
“Well, we wanted to wait for Kendall… but… you tell them, honey.”
“Carlos and I… are having twins!”
There was a sudden exclamation of joy from the people in the living room, oohs and ahhs and gasps of pleasure, little coos from everyone involved.
“A boy and a girl!” Carlos chirped. “I get to have both!”
I stopped outside the door. I couldn’t go in. I couldn’t ruin their amazing day. I couldn’t do it.
But I needed them.
But I couldn’t do it.
But I needed them.
“You ruined everything!”
Then the door was opening in front of me, and Katie was standing there, her dark brown eyes wide, almost like she was a child again.
“Oh, my God,” she said.
And Katie was never one to be shocked.
But I walked past her. I don’t know why. There was a weird part of me that thought, hey, maybe James had been invited. Maybe James had gone. Which was stupid, because I knew where James was. Well, maybe not where, but definitely what he was doing.
Dying.
Carlos went ashen when he saw me, and he was practically running across the room, his hands on me.
“Kendall! Kendall. Hey, look at me,” he said, and his voice was higher and quicker and louder than normal.
And Katie was at my back, her soft hands on me too, and I didn’t understand why everyone had to touch me.
“Oh, my God!” My mom repeated Katie’s words, but much more panicked. And she was right there too.
“Kendall, what happened?!” Camille yelped. They were all there, looking over me like curious animals, peering at me with fear in their eyes.
I told the truth.
“I… killed… him…”
And suddenly I was shoved into Carlos’ shoulder. But no. I wasn’t shoved. He was lowering me to the floor.
“Easy! Easy! Kendall… hang on.”
There was something sticky on my face. I hadn’t even realized it until then. I brushed my fingertips against it and pulled them away to examine the substance.
Blood?
Then everything went black.
…
I was standing in a field. Or at least, that’s what I thought it was at first. But when I looked down at the smart black suit I was wearing and the stones around my feet, I knew that I was in a cemetery. I looked up, and I could see the gathering of people around that ugly blue tarp that was always hung over to protect the casket from the sun. I could see the flowers, poking up from the silhouettes of grieving loved ones. And there was Zack and Danika, standing to the side. And Danika was singing. I didn’t even know she could sing.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise…
I remembered that I liked that song. And I liked her arrangement. It was poignant and slow and beautiful. Her bleached hair was curled, sliding around her face in the wind, and she was wearing a long, drab, black, lacy dress, and what looked like all the silver jewelry she owned. And she just kept singing, like she never even saw me.
I walked between Carlos and Logan.
“What happened?” I asked.
They were weeping, much too busy with grief to answer my question.
Then I remembered. Joseph… Guitar Dude… he was dead.
But where were his parents? Where was his family? Did he grow that estranged from them when he dove into the drug world of L.A.? Or maybe even before that? Did they not care? Were they gone too?
But then I was approaching the casket, and as I peered over it, I knew why.
Because their son wasn’t in that casket.
James was.
James was in the casket, all shined up like he was young and healthy again, except he wasn’t, because he was dead. Dead.
“James…” I gasped, and the grief was sharp and sudden in my chest. Like he’d died unexpectedly. Like we were young and still invincible.
I collapsed over the coffin and screamed. Screamed until my lungs felt hollow and my throat felt raw.
And they were pulling me away from him. From James, who was dead.
James was dead.
And it was all my fault.
I thrashed against Carlos and Logan’s grip, screaming and crying desperately for them to let me go. Because I had to save him. I couldn’t fail from saving him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t live without him.
And my head was hurting. Oh, God. It was hurting so bad. I looked up to see a hockey stick collide with my face.
“Faggot.”
I felt the blood rushing down my face, blinding me temporarily, as I turned from side to side, trying to force my way out of their grip.
Joseph stood there, leaning against the casket, his head bowed.
“I… thought he was happy,” he said.
“But he’s not…”
My eyes shot open.
The first thing I registered was how badly my head was hurting. I gritted my teeth, curling at the suddenness of it all.
The second thing I noticed was the voice outside the door.
“You let him sleep?!”
“I’m sorry! I just… he went down. I couldn’t get him to wake up!”
“Oh, God. When’s the last time he ate? Slept?”
“I don’t know! I’ve never seen him look so bad.”
“You are lucky, okay? Very lucky that I was already on my way.”
The door was flung open and light blasted into my retinas. I actually yelled, my hands scratching at my eyes like maybe if I ripped them out of my head, I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
“Sit up.”
And then he was shining the damn light in my eyes and I winced, trying to get away from the offending object.
“Stop.”
Then, a sigh. “When’s the last time you ate?”
I couldn’t remember. So I stared in the dark.
“Slept?”
“Been… awhile…”
“Well, good news is that it wasn’t the fact that your head was bleeding that you passed out. It’s because your blood sugar was so fucking low.”
Then the lamp was turned on and I wailed again, trying to hide from it like a vampire… with a massive hangover.
“Are you fucking stupid? Is that what it is? Because I really, honestly don’t know-“
I looked up at him. My eyes were watering.
“Logan… You came back…”
“You’re lucky I have this massively good intuition. You know that?” He said. “I just… I knew something bad was going to happen. I knew it.”
“I…” I couldn’t talk. My voice completely left me. And he just kept lecturing.
So I just fell forward into his chest. And cried.
I cried like I never had before. I gripped to Logan and wailed into his shirt, my voice so raw and different. My chest heaved and contracted painfully, and I could feel my nails digging into his skin. But I couldn’t stop. I tried. I really did. But every time I attempted to pull myself together, I shattered further apart.
And then Logan’s arms were around me, and he was coddling me, like a child.
“Shhhh,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not!” I finally yelped. “I’ve… I’ve ruined everything!” James’ words…
“You haven’t.”
“I have! I… he’s gone… he’s sick… and he’s gone… and Joseph’s dead…”
“Joseph…?”
It was another blow to the gut to realize that they didn’t even know about Guitar Dude. Didn’t know that he loved James. Didn’t know that I had been responsible for his death.
“I tried… to fix it. I tried to fix it.”
I wasn’t making sense. I felt like I was speaking a different language, or trying to explain an algebra problem to a four year old. I couldn’t seem to find the right vocabulary. But Logan just held me.
“I know,” he said softly. “That’s what you do.”
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry!”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not!”
“Kendall, I need you to tell me what happened.”
I couldn’t catch my breath.
“What do you want, Kendall? I can get you what you want,” Carlos suggested meekly, slipping over to my side.
I spoke without thinking. “I want to die.”
Because if Joseph was dead, then James would want to die, and if James was dead, I didn’t want to live anymore either.
Logan clutched me violently, even hitting me on the back. “Don’t fucking say that! Don’t ever fucking say that!” And fuck, if both of them weren’t crying with me.
We held each other and cried together, the spectacle, the show, for our mortified, on-looking friends and family. I wished I could make them understand why I wasn’t worth their time. I couldn’t do anything for them anymore. I wasn’t who I used to be, their knight in shining armor, their leader, their net to catch them when they fell. I was a burden. The armor was rusted; the net was frayed. And they were so radiant… how could they possibly even associate with me?
“I wish…” I whispered. “I wish we could go back…”
“But we can’t, Kendall…”
“But…” I was getting downright pathetic. “But you don’t need me anymore.” And I was withering again, wallowing in my sorrows.
“Are you kidding? Of course we do!” Carlos said, rubbing my back sweetly. “Don’t ever think that we don’t. Why do you think we’ve been so worried about you, huh?”
Logan’s voice cracked. “Do you really think for a second that we could keep our lives together without you?”
The others were easing into the room. The beast had calmed down, they must have suspected.
“Kendall,” Katie said, sliding up on the mattress of the bed I’d been laid on, wrapping her arms around one of mine. “It’s time. You can’t keep this down anymore.”
I stared at her; then looked at them… the group of people in my life, the ones that worried about me, the ones that caught me when I collapsed. They had all had their hands on me.
“Honey,” my mom asked, and her voice was shaken, like she’d been through the ringer quite a few times. “What’s going on?”
I squeezed Katie’s hand.
“…Mom… I’m…” My mouth went dry. Katie squeezed my hand back. “I’m gay.”
It was like letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Because she was still looking at me with all the love in her heart.
“Oh… oh, honey…” And she was pulling me into her chest and holding me, like I was four and had scraped my knee. “Is that all? Is that really what you’ve been worried about?”
I gave off this weird, cynical chuckle. “I wish it was all...”
I looked to Logan and Carlos, and there was this incredible look of understanding on their faces, equal, and all-knowing.
“James…” Carlos said softly.
I nodded.
“Kendall,” Logan said slowly. “Where’s James?”
I felt the tears coming fresh.
“I don’t know.”
Authors: goten0040 and garnetice
Chapter: 23
Rating: M
Ship(s): Kendall/James, Carlos/Stephanie, Logan/Camille, maybe more.
Summary: Future!Fic. Kendall returns to L.A. six years after Big Time Rush disbanded. James has been missing for years. Imagine how things change when James reappears in his life. And he needs help.
Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22
Chapter Twenty-Three
We fucked three times before James finally wore out and collapsed into the pillows on my bed, and I laid next to him, absently stroking his back, staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t sleep - big surprise - but I couldn’t stop thinking about what to do next. It was complicated. I’d messed up a lot of things. And now that I had James, I needed to get back to good, somehow.
But first. I really needed some sleep.
Too bad it was so hard to do.
I curled into James and closed my eyes and tried my hardest to get some shuteye.
I slept for maybe an hour. When my eyes cracked open, James was gone, his side of the bed still somewhat warm from his body heat. For a second, I honestly panicked. I thought he’d left me. After all the promises I had made not to leave him, he’d never for a second agreed to the same. And I hadn’t really thought about how I could deal with James actually leaving, with the not-knowing. I didn’t think I could deal with it again.
Then I heard the shuffling in the bathroom and I let out a sigh of relief, only to suck it back in when I heard a noise that sounded much more like a sob than anything.
“James?” I called out, clambering out of bed and sliding some jeans on - even though I was sore as hell, and movement was the worst thing in the world.
I cracked open the door, and the noises were louder. He was sobbing.
“James?”
He was in the empty bathtub, shaking against the wall, his arm belted and a syringe in his hand. He looked at me with terrified eyes, his face ghostly white and looking so much gaunter in the dim light.
“N-need… it,” he stammered before tumbling over the commode next to the tub and vomiting. “C-can’t find… a vein.”
He held it out to me, pleading with his eyes, and I couldn’t help myself.
I clambered into the tub with him and holding him to my chest as he shuddered and quaked with withdrawal, that syringe in my shaking hand. It was clean for the most part, but I couldn’t help but feel like it was diseased, tainted, rusted. James leaned his face into my neck, and I could feel his shuddering breath on my skin, the quick jerks of his body as he begged for my help. I felt gently at his scarred arm, felt for a vein in that pulsing body, and found one nearly collapsed. Collapsed… I didn’t like the fact that his veins were collapsed. Sweat was sticking his hair to my skin, and he was legitimately crying, like he had in seventh grade when he had the flu at school and ended up in such bad shape that an ambulance had to be called. He was never one to handle sickness well. And yet, here he was, filling his body with it, allowing the addiction to possess his mind…. I stuck the needle in his arm, watching where the skin indented underneath its point, and God… I thought I was going to vomit. But I held steady, sliding that poison, that awful shit, into his arm. I tried to tell myself it was just like giving him a shot… but I knew the shot was actually killing him. He began thanking me incoherently, clinging to me as the shaking began to subside, and sleep began to claim him. I pet his hair, wishing the drugs had never taken him away from me.
But then again, had they really? Or had I pushed him at them and run? Seemed more like the latter to me. But I knew that I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t let him waste away in my arms. Because not knowing where he was was one thing. Knowing he was dead was another. The entire idea left a sour taste in my mouth.
“I love you,” I said softly, knowing he was slumbering in my arms.
And that was why I had to do something.
I carried James to bed after what seemed like hours, and I set forth on making a plan. I’d always been a fixer and I wasn’t about to stop that because of a few set-backs. And as much as I really did love James, I couldn’t let him drag me down with him. I couldn’t watch him die. First, I promised myself never to shoot him up again. If I had let him suffer through the withdrawal, he might have started to recover. But I couldn’t watch him go through it. Not that night. Not after I had told him I’d be there for him. And he needed me.
First thing was first…
I called Logan. His phone rang into his answering machine.
“Hey,” I said softly, waiting, wishing he would pick up. He didn’t. I hung up. It was a start.
Then I gathered the CD James had recorded, shoving it into my jeans pocket. I slipped on a flannel shirt and slipped into the bedroom where James was still sleeping.
“I’ll be back soon,” I said softly, kissing him on just above his right eye.
“Mmmuh, okay,” he murmured; then pulled me in for a kiss that was sloppy and lazy. I snickered against him, wrenching my face away with a smile.
“Not now. I have things to do.”
James was a little too dazed to argue, so he rolled over and went back to sleep. I saw the inflamed red spot where I had injected him, and it only solidified what I had to do. I left James a note, just in case he was too high to remember that I’d told him I’d be back, and headed out.
…
I slipped up the metal stairs and through that creaky metal door, and I was immediately uncomfortable. I knew what I was about to face, and I wasn’t looking forward to it one bit. But it had to be done. So I gritted my teeth and made my way across the catwalk, down to the stage. Guitar Dude actually didn’t hear me come down. He was concentrating on his guitar playing, some song that I just barely recognized but couldn’t place at the time.
But when he caught sight of me, he immediately stopped, scowling.
“What the fuck do you want?”
I held up my hands in defense, though he looked a little too sluggish to really do anything about it. His hands looked a little shaky, but not nearly as bad as James had last night.
I didn’t like comparing them, especially when James has been so much worse.
“Calm down. I just need to talk to you.”
“Fuck off.”
“Look,” I stammered, trying to get a handle on the situation. “I know you don’t like me.”
“Oh, so glad you got the memo!”
“Hey, I don’t like you either, alright? We can agree on that. But we both care about James.”
He grimaced, like it literally sickened him to agree with me.
“I already told you-“
“Yeah, yeah, you just keep telling yourself that he’s using me. But he’s not.”
Joseph glared, putting down the guitar. “I was there for him when you weren’t.”
“Well, I’m here now. And I’m not leaving, so you better get used to it.”
“So you…” And there was a strange new tone to his voice that I hadn’t heard before. “So you think you can just waltz back in here and take him away? Is that it? You arrogant prick.” He shoved me. I didn’t shove him back. “Cause you’re so much better.”
“I don’t want him living this life, Joseph. This isn’t where he belongs.”
“What the fuck do you know?! You didn’t watch what your life did to him! You don’t know anything!” His voice was raw, and more emotional than I had ever heard it. It actually had me rocking back on my heels a little, alarmed. He wilted a little, exhausted, pushing some of his long, matted, hair out of his face. “Those people… those Hollywood elites? They’re poison. They… they take your soul. They do everything they can to turn you into their own little robot, to make you do what they say. And if you’re not perfect… you’re nothing.”
“The drugs are taking his soul, Joseph…”
“Shut up!”
“They are!” I yelled, my own voice suddenly unrecognizable too. “They’re killing him! You care about him don’t you?! Do you really want to watch him fucking… waste away?!”
“No!” And he looked shaken, lost, and so much like James that it killed me. He was wasting away too. “B-but…. What do you want me to do? What do you expect me to do?”
And there it was. Suddenly, he wasn’t the epitome of James. He was just like me, just as scared and unknowing and in love as me. In a way, I could understand. James was such an amazing, special individual. It must have been hard for anyone around him for a long time not to fall for him fast and hard. I knew that neither of us would be able to make it without him. Neither of us were really handling him the way he needed to be handled - because we cared too much. We were too delicate. We needed to do something big.
“James isn’t… he’s not going to get clean without you. He’s got to get back to what he was-“
“He’s not-I’m not-“
“Here.” I handed him the CD. He looked at me like I was insane. “Just listen to it, okay? Please.”
He gazed at it for a long time as if he was waiting for me to snatch it back and say forget it. But I wasn’t. I wouldn’t. This was for James.
“That disc… that’s what he could be right now. If he was clean. I really think… he could be happy again.”
Joseph’s shoulders and jaw tensed, like he was trying not to cry. “I thought he was happy.”
“You know how much he loves you. You two need each other to get through this.”
He nodded wearily, still not looking up from the CD. I could swear I saw a tear sliding out of his eye.
I felt like I might have gotten through to him. “I’ll come back soon, and you can tell me what you decide. You need to know that… I’m going to get James clean with or without you. But I’d rather he have both of us. And it’d be a hell of a lot easier with you on my side… just this once.”
I left him standing in a flickering stage light, hunching my shoulders and hitting the pavement once again.
I was feeling pretty good about myself for making the effort, so I called Logan again. He still didn’t pick up. I didn’t bother with the message. I wanted to be stubborn about that too, because as awful as I had been to him, I really didn’t want to think I’d shut the door on our friendship forever. We’d had plenty of fights over the years, after all.
Then again, this one was a lot bigger than anything we’d ever bickered about when we were little.
But I was trying to stay positive. I had James. It seemed I’d gotten through to Joseph. I was sure if I could manage not to worry Logan too much, he’d come back too. And if he didn’t…
Well, at least I wouldn’t be a burden on him anymore.
I tried to push the thought from my mind, picking up some In-N-Out for James and me and heading back to the apartment for the greasiest breakfast ever.
…
“Mornin’,” I greeted with a grin, watching James hover over his coffee, but not really drink it.
He looked rough. I supposed the withdrawal would do that.
“You look happy,” he said, smiling, but way too tired to make it look real.
“I’ve got In-N-Out.”
James grimaced. “At ten in the morning?”
“Never too early for animal fries.”
“You have a horrible diet. I just hope you know that.”
“You could afford to put on a few,” I replied good-naturedly, dropping the bag in front of him. “How are you feeling?”
He smirked. “I’m fine. You’re walking a little wobbly though. Hope I didn’t hurt you too bad.”
I made sure to play up having difficulty sitting down. “No, no. Of course not.” Then we laughed. He laid his hand on top of mine and actually munched on a few animal fries.
“Where’d you go? I don’t think In-N-Out is out the door at this time of day.”
I laced my fingers with his, and took a massive bite full of burger, only to realize that, yeah, it was kind of early for In-N-Out, and I felt a little sick to my stomach.
“Told you,” James chided with a grin, so I choked down the whole thing in a matter of minutes, just to spite him.
“I just had get some stuff done.” Then I lied. “Paid my electric bill, stuff like that.”
I didn’t like lying to him, but he seemed to believe me for once. Besides, if he knew that I had prodded Joseph into helping him get clean, he’d never accept the help. James stood and sauntered around the table, wrapping his arms around my shoulder and kissing me on the neck. I leaned into him, closing my eyes and relishing the moment. One thing I hated was how used I’d gotten to him being high. I couldn’t tell the difference anymore.
But then, I could tell myself that he would be the same when he was better. Except he’d be safe.
“I had a dream while you were gone,” James said. “I dreamt that you were playing guitar for me.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes,” James said.
“I can do that.”
“Can you do it without your clothes on? You weren’t wearing any in my dream.”
I chuckled against another kiss to my collarbone. “But then I wouldn’t get any playing done.”
“Oh, I’m sure you could get through a couple of lyrics,” James murmured, swinging his leg over the chair and straddling me. Then he was kissing me fiercely, and even though I was so fucking sore, I never wanted to let him go.
I thought about what our lives would be like if he was sober. We had a good amount of money. We could spend every day waking up late in each other’s arms if we wanted to. We could spend every night singing songs and watching television and movies and just enjoying the company. We could go to parties that didn’t involve skeezy bars or drugs. We could visit our families, our friends, without those sad, worried looks. And maybe, just maybe, I could play hockey again.
It didn’t sound like a bad plan at all.
He was unbuttoning my shirt and kissing down my chest when my phone rang.
“Ohhh, come on,” I groaned, lifting it to see that it was Carlos. “Alright, quit it for a second.”
James made a frustrated noise, but I kissed him on the top of his head and he just leaned into my shoulder while I pressed the phone to my ear.
“Carlitos, how’s it going?”
“Wow,” he said.
“What?”
“Nothing. You just sound… happy.”
I didn’t really think I sounded any different. But I was happy for the moment, fleeting as I knew it would be.
“What’s up?”
“Well, I wanted to invite you to a party this weekend.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah! Steph and I are finding out the sex of the baby this weekend, so we thought we should share it with our closest friends and family, y’know? Katie’s coming, and your mom, and Camille…”
And Logan, I wanted to finish. But he was in Florida.
Yep. Fleeting, alright.
“Oh, um… sure. Yeah, I’ll come,” I said, a little distracted by the fact that James’ impatience had gotten the better of him and he was currently sliding his hand down into my jeans and mouthing my neck again. “Sounds great.”
“Great! Oh, man. I want it to be a boy. No! A girl! I think I’d be a good daddy to a little girl. And I could scare away potential dates. But the boy could be fun to roughhouse with…”
I smiled. “I’m sure you’ll get to roughhouse with whatever she has, man.”
“Yeah,” he sighed, and it was the sound of bliss. “Man, I wish Logan would come back. It’s gonna be a big day.”
And I had a feeling in my gut that, yeah, it really was going to be a big day.
“Hey, you’re breathing a little funny,” he said absently. “Are you okay?” I heard Stephanie start to giggle in the background and I flushed bright red, even though he couldn’t see me.
Yeah, I was. Because James had found my dick, and was stroking it very gently, teasingly slow. “Oh, y-yeah. Fine,” I said. “Just got back from a run.”
“You don’t need to lose weight, dude. You’re skinny enough. Your mom’s just gonna send you home with more food.”
“I have greasy In-N-Out right in front of me, thank you very much.”
“Well, kick back for a bit. Your breathing’s ragged,” Carlos said.
Stephanie was full on laughing in the background. “Honey, let him off the phone. Can’t you hear he’s busy?”
I was on speakerphone. That jerk. And I could feel a moan bubbling in my throat that was threatening to escape.
“Oh,” Carlos said. Then, with clarity. “OH! Dude!” Then he cackled, and I was embarrassed. “Well, you have fun with your pretty young thing. See you Saturday!”
And he hung up.
And James was laughing harder that Stephanie and Carlos combined. “Pretty young thing! Oh, my God!”
“Dude, shut up!” I squeaked, but then we were kissing again, small argument forgotten in the heat of lust.
His hands were on my neck, fingers pushing my jaw open so he could get more space, and his tongue was slipping over my teeth like he’d done it a million times.
It kind of felt like he had.
…
The next few days were similar to that one - filled with a very much missed joy and plenty of sex. I found myself falling harder for him every day. Each little glance in my direction made my heart flutter. Each smile made me melt. And when he laced his fingers with mine, or kissed me, or groaned my name, I wondered how I’d managed without him even for a second.
Then I remembered, that really, I kind of hadn’t.
And I did play guitar for him one morning, sitting cross-legged on the bed, the instrument the only thing hiding my shame, so to speak. And, as I predicted, I made it through maybe a verse before James was jumping me and pushing me into the mattress.
God, everything seemed so perfect during the day.
At night, though, he was still shooting up. And I shouldn’t have been flattered that he would allow himself to get into massive withdrawal before he shot up. I knew in the back of my mind that I needed to talk to Joseph. I needed to push my plan forward. I couldn’t afford to get so caught up in the fact that I was with James that I was unable to save him.
But I couldn’t help it. I was just so happy to have him, all to myself, even for a short time.
Remember what I said about happiness being fleeting?
James had been kissing me against the kitchen counter when his phone buzzed in his pocket, vibrating against both of our thighs.
“Is that your phone or are you happy to see me?” I joked and he rolled his eyes, pulling it out of his pocket and giving me a playful slap on the chest.
“Hello?” he answered, all cheer. Then, his face took on this strange, stony look, and he was walling himself away from me. I felt panic rise in my chest and I reached out for him. He stepped away. “What? No. No. I’ll be right there. Bye.”
He looked to me. “Sorry. To be continued.”
“What happened?”
The color was draining from his face as he turned away from me. “I don’t… I don’t know right now. Okay?”
And he left.
I thought seriously about going after him, but I couldn’t get my feet to move. There was an overwhelming feeling of dread weighing me down, holding me to the floor, and damn… I had never felt so sick to my stomach. Something had happened. I felt it all the way through my bones.
I called Logan again. It went to voicemail.
Suddenly, I felt like nothing was alright. I was back to where I had been before. Lost. Wondering. Terrified. Except this time, I didn’t have Logan to fall back on. After all, Katie suggested I get help. But when it really came down to it, I really couldn’t think of who to ask. I’d been so awful… who would want to?
…
James was gone for hours. I found myself craving him desperately, calling him every fifteen minutes, basically being what every obsessed lover could be. But it wasn’t because I was obsessed. Or not completely. It was because with each ticking minute that passed, I felt worse and worse. I couldn’t eat. I definitely couldn’t sleep. I just knew something was wrong.
That feeling didn’t change when James stormed into my apartment. I was in the kitchen when I heard him come in.
“James!” I exclaimed, and I couldn’t contain the concern in my voice when he rounded the corner to face me.
He looked… different, his eyes more wild than I’d ever seen them, and bloodshot. His hair was frayed in places and he was dirty and covered in… God, was it vomit? And his nose had been bleeding. The crust of blood was dried over the top of his upper lip. He couldn’t seem to stop moving. He was literally vibrating with energy.
I thought that this must have been the James on coke that Joseph had warned me about.
“What… what happened?”
James held up the CD. The CD I gave Joseph.
Then smashed it against the cabinets, screaming, “YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
And his hands were on me, bruising me on contact. I winced, trying to look him straight in the eye, but his pupils were practically jumping.
“Wh-what-“ I stammered, my heart hammering in my chest.
And then James slammed my head into the cabinets. Pain bloomed in my skull and my ears were ringing. I gripped the counter, trying to stop my knees from buckling.
But I could still hear what James said. It pierced through the roar of it all, straight into my soul.
“You KILLED HIM!” Tears were sliding out of the sides of his eyes, but the room was so bright that it was hard to tell. “You KILLED JOSEPH!”
It started to click.
Joseph was dead.
He… was actually dead.
James shook me, trying to hit me against the counter again, but I managed to scramble out of his grasp, stumbling to the floor. My heartbeat was pounding in my head, a constant rhythm that only seemed to get quicker as he pursued me. I tried my best to crawl away, but he grabbed me by the foot and dragged me back to him. I kicked him in the knee. He threw me across the kitchen in a clatter of pots and pans.
“You ruined everything!”
He spun on his heel and rushed out, knocking shit down as he went. I leaned against the oven, trying to gather my bearings. I had to go after him. I couldn’t let him leave. If I let him leave he would be out of my life forever.
But I had ruined everything.
I had killed Joseph.
I had given him that CD. I had made him feel guilty. I had made him think he didn’t make James happy. He loved James. I should have recognized that heartbroken look on his face before I left, the same one I’d worn but on a much more vulnerable façade. I should have made sure…
He had overdosed. I knew it in my heart.
But it was still my fault.
I didn’t care. I couldn’t let him go.
But by the time I had gotten to my feet and rushed after him, he was long gone. I don’t know how long it actually took me to get up. I ran to the nearest passerby and asked if she’d seen him.
“Um, honey, are you okay?” she asked, and she looked really fucking wary of me.
“Have you seen him?!” I half-commanded. “He’s about six-foot, skinny, with long brown hair and hazel eyes, and…”
I felt a lump in my throat. I knew everything about James. Every little freckle, every little scar. But I couldn’t describe him any further to her. Because she didn’t understand.
“I think you need a doctor-“
“I need to find him!”
Fuck her, I thought, pushing past her and running down the sidewalk. And I didn’t stop anyone. I just kept running. Like, maybe he would pop out in front of me and I could tackle him and beg him to stay and forgive me, because I had gone to Joseph with the best intentions. I hadn’t meant to…
To…
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
It flashed in my head, and I nearly collided with a streetlight, clinging to it and swinging to stop my momentum. I was shaking so hard that my wrists were clanging against the damn thing, and I didn’t feel like I could get any air into my lungs. They were hollow, ripped from my chest.
“You ruined everything!”
I squeezed my eyes shut, a fresh wave of pain washing over me, and I clutched that pole like it was the only thing holding me to the planet.
Mainly because it was.
I searched for him in every face that passed by, and I kept running and screaming his name. And the thing with the people in the area of L.A. I was looking for him… they would just stare. They wouldn’t help. They would just look at me like I’d lost my mind. Some would shoo their children away from me, like I was some crazed monster.
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
I clasped my hands over my ears, trying to will it out of my head, because it was toxic. I kept running, slipping around corners and over fences and through places I had never travelled. It all ran together, blurring in my vision, and I just kept looking. Because James…
I couldn’t even think clearly.
My phone rang.
I remember vaguely that stupid, ugly ringtone catching my attention, yanking me back to October, when Logan had called. When we decided to come out to L.A. When this whole thing started. And I froze in the middle of the sidewalk, gazing at the name flashing on the display.
Carlos.
I pushed it up to my ear.
“Hello?” I murmured, and my voice sounded so far away that I hardly recognized it.
“Hey! Where are you?”
Oh, Carlos.
Always so clueless.
“Wh-what?” I squeezed my eyes shut, because my head was hurting so badly now that I’d stopped running, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how James was gone, gone, gone, gone. And it was all my fault.
“The party? I know you’ve always been fashionably late, but three hours is impressive even for you.”
He sounded irritated.
“Oh…”
I don’t know why I said what I said next.
“I’ll… be there soon. Okay?”
And I hung up before he could say anything further.
There was something sticky on my phone. I wiped it off on my shirt and put it back in my pocket.
James was gone.
James was gone.
James was gone.
I looked up.
Where the fuck was I? I had lost all track of distance and time and everything. Because James was gone.
And it was all my fault.
Joseph was dead.
And it was all my fault.
And James was gone.
I wanted to scream.
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
“You ruined everything!”
“Faggot!”
“Why don’t you just pack your shit and go back to Florida and get the fuck out of my life?!”
“Fine!”
“I wanted you to leave! I wanted you to be happy!”
“But I’m not.”
“I thought he was happy.”
“YOU KILLED HIM!”
I don’t know how I ended up outside of Carlos’ home. I honestly don’t. But I’d lost another hour in the pursuit.
I let myself in. Carlos had a bad habit of not locking doors. I could hear him and Stephanie in the living room, silencing the crowd.
“Well, we wanted to wait for Kendall… but… you tell them, honey.”
“Carlos and I… are having twins!”
There was a sudden exclamation of joy from the people in the living room, oohs and ahhs and gasps of pleasure, little coos from everyone involved.
“A boy and a girl!” Carlos chirped. “I get to have both!”
I stopped outside the door. I couldn’t go in. I couldn’t ruin their amazing day. I couldn’t do it.
But I needed them.
But I couldn’t do it.
But I needed them.
“You ruined everything!”
Then the door was opening in front of me, and Katie was standing there, her dark brown eyes wide, almost like she was a child again.
“Oh, my God,” she said.
And Katie was never one to be shocked.
But I walked past her. I don’t know why. There was a weird part of me that thought, hey, maybe James had been invited. Maybe James had gone. Which was stupid, because I knew where James was. Well, maybe not where, but definitely what he was doing.
Dying.
Carlos went ashen when he saw me, and he was practically running across the room, his hands on me.
“Kendall! Kendall. Hey, look at me,” he said, and his voice was higher and quicker and louder than normal.
And Katie was at my back, her soft hands on me too, and I didn’t understand why everyone had to touch me.
“Oh, my God!” My mom repeated Katie’s words, but much more panicked. And she was right there too.
“Kendall, what happened?!” Camille yelped. They were all there, looking over me like curious animals, peering at me with fear in their eyes.
I told the truth.
“I… killed… him…”
And suddenly I was shoved into Carlos’ shoulder. But no. I wasn’t shoved. He was lowering me to the floor.
“Easy! Easy! Kendall… hang on.”
There was something sticky on my face. I hadn’t even realized it until then. I brushed my fingertips against it and pulled them away to examine the substance.
Blood?
Then everything went black.
…
I was standing in a field. Or at least, that’s what I thought it was at first. But when I looked down at the smart black suit I was wearing and the stones around my feet, I knew that I was in a cemetery. I looked up, and I could see the gathering of people around that ugly blue tarp that was always hung over to protect the casket from the sun. I could see the flowers, poking up from the silhouettes of grieving loved ones. And there was Zack and Danika, standing to the side. And Danika was singing. I didn’t even know she could sing.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise…
I remembered that I liked that song. And I liked her arrangement. It was poignant and slow and beautiful. Her bleached hair was curled, sliding around her face in the wind, and she was wearing a long, drab, black, lacy dress, and what looked like all the silver jewelry she owned. And she just kept singing, like she never even saw me.
I walked between Carlos and Logan.
“What happened?” I asked.
They were weeping, much too busy with grief to answer my question.
Then I remembered. Joseph… Guitar Dude… he was dead.
But where were his parents? Where was his family? Did he grow that estranged from them when he dove into the drug world of L.A.? Or maybe even before that? Did they not care? Were they gone too?
But then I was approaching the casket, and as I peered over it, I knew why.
Because their son wasn’t in that casket.
James was.
James was in the casket, all shined up like he was young and healthy again, except he wasn’t, because he was dead. Dead.
“James…” I gasped, and the grief was sharp and sudden in my chest. Like he’d died unexpectedly. Like we were young and still invincible.
I collapsed over the coffin and screamed. Screamed until my lungs felt hollow and my throat felt raw.
And they were pulling me away from him. From James, who was dead.
James was dead.
And it was all my fault.
I thrashed against Carlos and Logan’s grip, screaming and crying desperately for them to let me go. Because I had to save him. I couldn’t fail from saving him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t live without him.
And my head was hurting. Oh, God. It was hurting so bad. I looked up to see a hockey stick collide with my face.
“Faggot.”
I felt the blood rushing down my face, blinding me temporarily, as I turned from side to side, trying to force my way out of their grip.
Joseph stood there, leaning against the casket, his head bowed.
“I… thought he was happy,” he said.
“But he’s not…”
My eyes shot open.
The first thing I registered was how badly my head was hurting. I gritted my teeth, curling at the suddenness of it all.
The second thing I noticed was the voice outside the door.
“You let him sleep?!”
“I’m sorry! I just… he went down. I couldn’t get him to wake up!”
“Oh, God. When’s the last time he ate? Slept?”
“I don’t know! I’ve never seen him look so bad.”
“You are lucky, okay? Very lucky that I was already on my way.”
The door was flung open and light blasted into my retinas. I actually yelled, my hands scratching at my eyes like maybe if I ripped them out of my head, I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.
“Sit up.”
And then he was shining the damn light in my eyes and I winced, trying to get away from the offending object.
“Stop.”
Then, a sigh. “When’s the last time you ate?”
I couldn’t remember. So I stared in the dark.
“Slept?”
“Been… awhile…”
“Well, good news is that it wasn’t the fact that your head was bleeding that you passed out. It’s because your blood sugar was so fucking low.”
Then the lamp was turned on and I wailed again, trying to hide from it like a vampire… with a massive hangover.
“Are you fucking stupid? Is that what it is? Because I really, honestly don’t know-“
I looked up at him. My eyes were watering.
“Logan… You came back…”
“You’re lucky I have this massively good intuition. You know that?” He said. “I just… I knew something bad was going to happen. I knew it.”
“I…” I couldn’t talk. My voice completely left me. And he just kept lecturing.
So I just fell forward into his chest. And cried.
I cried like I never had before. I gripped to Logan and wailed into his shirt, my voice so raw and different. My chest heaved and contracted painfully, and I could feel my nails digging into his skin. But I couldn’t stop. I tried. I really did. But every time I attempted to pull myself together, I shattered further apart.
And then Logan’s arms were around me, and he was coddling me, like a child.
“Shhhh,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not!” I finally yelped. “I’ve… I’ve ruined everything!” James’ words…
“You haven’t.”
“I have! I… he’s gone… he’s sick… and he’s gone… and Joseph’s dead…”
“Joseph…?”
It was another blow to the gut to realize that they didn’t even know about Guitar Dude. Didn’t know that he loved James. Didn’t know that I had been responsible for his death.
“I tried… to fix it. I tried to fix it.”
I wasn’t making sense. I felt like I was speaking a different language, or trying to explain an algebra problem to a four year old. I couldn’t seem to find the right vocabulary. But Logan just held me.
“I know,” he said softly. “That’s what you do.”
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry!”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not!”
“Kendall, I need you to tell me what happened.”
I couldn’t catch my breath.
“What do you want, Kendall? I can get you what you want,” Carlos suggested meekly, slipping over to my side.
I spoke without thinking. “I want to die.”
Because if Joseph was dead, then James would want to die, and if James was dead, I didn’t want to live anymore either.
Logan clutched me violently, even hitting me on the back. “Don’t fucking say that! Don’t ever fucking say that!” And fuck, if both of them weren’t crying with me.
We held each other and cried together, the spectacle, the show, for our mortified, on-looking friends and family. I wished I could make them understand why I wasn’t worth their time. I couldn’t do anything for them anymore. I wasn’t who I used to be, their knight in shining armor, their leader, their net to catch them when they fell. I was a burden. The armor was rusted; the net was frayed. And they were so radiant… how could they possibly even associate with me?
“I wish…” I whispered. “I wish we could go back…”
“But we can’t, Kendall…”
“But…” I was getting downright pathetic. “But you don’t need me anymore.” And I was withering again, wallowing in my sorrows.
“Are you kidding? Of course we do!” Carlos said, rubbing my back sweetly. “Don’t ever think that we don’t. Why do you think we’ve been so worried about you, huh?”
Logan’s voice cracked. “Do you really think for a second that we could keep our lives together without you?”
The others were easing into the room. The beast had calmed down, they must have suspected.
“Kendall,” Katie said, sliding up on the mattress of the bed I’d been laid on, wrapping her arms around one of mine. “It’s time. You can’t keep this down anymore.”
I stared at her; then looked at them… the group of people in my life, the ones that worried about me, the ones that caught me when I collapsed. They had all had their hands on me.
“Honey,” my mom asked, and her voice was shaken, like she’d been through the ringer quite a few times. “What’s going on?”
I squeezed Katie’s hand.
“…Mom… I’m…” My mouth went dry. Katie squeezed my hand back. “I’m gay.”
It was like letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Because she was still looking at me with all the love in her heart.
“Oh… oh, honey…” And she was pulling me into her chest and holding me, like I was four and had scraped my knee. “Is that all? Is that really what you’ve been worried about?”
I gave off this weird, cynical chuckle. “I wish it was all...”
I looked to Logan and Carlos, and there was this incredible look of understanding on their faces, equal, and all-knowing.
“James…” Carlos said softly.
I nodded.
“Kendall,” Logan said slowly. “Where’s James?”
I felt the tears coming fresh.
“I don’t know.”