(no subject)
how would it make you feel if the one you loved and possibly wanted to spend the rest of your life with, after talking about marriage and stuff, said something along the lines of not wanting to get married right now because then he would lose all of his freedom? now what is that supposed to mean? we used to talk about getting married and how he would marry me tomorrow, and then we would talk about getting a place together and how amazing that would be. and seriously, its non existant right now. he has other future plans to take care of before we get to move on with our lives. i dont feel like waiting a year to finally start mine, i want to get the ball rolling. hes planning on going to europe with me in may to London for 10 days and then hes staying there for 3 months and im flying home by myself. nice huh? so then maybe months after that when he gets the money we will find a place. im going to find my own place when i get out of school until then. i really dont think he wants to live with me, because one day i mentioned how i cant wait to get our own place so i can just go home and go to sleep with him, and his response was, yeah i cant wait to get my own place either. BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT USSSS. i dont know. i know he loves me but i dont know how he FEELS about me. i love him to death, he is everything to me and i dont know what i would do with out him. but shit sucks sometimes lately. i even told him he sucks at letting me know how he feels and he makes me feel like he doesnt like me. yet, his response, which was good, was, you know i dont just like you, i love you. and that made me feel better. but still. and i quote samantha on this one "i crave romance. i crave passion. i am on the back-burner." why cant love ever be like the movies? why cant someone just grab you and kiss you so hard and seriously tell you that they love you. why cant there be flowers and sweet little forget-me-nots and stuff like that? that is also non existant! i see it only in the movies. please tell me that it really does exist! even crazy inlove feelings.. the kind where you just cant stop kissing eachother, the kind where you just run away for like 10 seconds of your time while in the middle of something just to share a moment alone to look at one another and just savor it and maybe make out. C'MONNN. i just want to feeeeel it. do you know how long its been since ive felt something like that? the only thing remotely close has been butterflies but that has also faded away. i do not love him any less, i just wish i could feel it again.
im sorry but i like being top priority, and with anyone that ive been with and have been through things with, i deserve to be. im not saying waaa waa on me but seriously, i need to be romanticized!
ummm other than that school has been good. i have a photography class now which is sweet. its from 7-10 pm though. sucksss. i hate having class every day at 8am.
i climbed mt major over the weekend. it was a major pain in my ass. we did not make it to the top, yes, i was a wimp and it was getting dark out. but it was still beautiful from what we could see. i love northern NH.
keith and i also came up on our 10 month. DOES NOT seem like its been almost a year, its so crazy.
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today is march 31st, obviously. im sure that since that was almost keith and i's 10 month that had to have been written back in september.
its been a year and 4 months. this last month has been such a disaster.
valentines day came and went, and so did our relationship. i dont even know where to begin. is it so wrong to get mad at your boyfriend for wanting to have band practice instead of spending it with his girlfriend? i guess i could have made it more aware that i was upset about it, or else it might have gone better. a lot of things came out of the woodwork that weekend and it all came crashing down. i was mad, i didnt fight back about staying together, and so i let him make the decision. which was the worst thing i could have done. he wanted to take a break. we were both extremely upset about it and wanted nothing more that to just be together, but both of us had stuff we needed to take care of. so after not even a week he goes on this power trip with partying and band (this power trip that after a month or so he still has). i was cleaning out my old cell phone of messages and came across one that broke my heart. the last nice thing he had to say to me " i can't be with out you, i feel so empty". i dont even think he knows what empty feels like at this point. hes filled his heart with who knows who else. its not me, my spots been taken and he wants nothing to do with me.
does anyone know what its like to go from getting flowers on valentines day with a note that says "be my valentine forever?" to having them say "i cant see us ever being more than friends again". i know that maybe hes just saying that right now. im giving him his space. i have barely talked to him in a week. his birthday was last thursday. i tried throwing him a birthday party, but it didnt work out. i was supposed to see him on saturday and give him his presents, but of course, it didnt work out, he had other things to do. so you know what, im returning what i can and not even bothering right now. im not going to chase after someone who doesnt want me, who doesnt even want to talk to me or see me. someone who used to fill my life with such utter happiness that i couldnt even stand it. i may have been unhappy at times, and told him how i felt, but when youre with someone, you NEED to express how you feel. that in which he never did even when i point blank asked. he is everything that i want or need, he is my best friend and everything else you could get in a relationship from someone. this has been the worst month and a half, wow almost 2, that i have been through in my life. this is worse than ryan. of course it was easier with ryan because he broke up with me and kept me in his life basically as his girlfriend, until i actually got fed up with it and just let him go. keith cutting me off completely is the hardest thing ever for me.
my life sucks right now. my closest friends are moving away, my boyfriend/best friend wont even talk to me, i basically have NO life. i come home from work everyday and just sit in my room. mostly my fault of course, but what else do i have to do?? maybe i should just go back to school. i need to make friends, i need to get out and do something. im seriously debating moving to Portland OR.
i hate being single. i hate feeling vulnerable, unwanted, deprived and starved for affection. im not one to go around with other guys and sleep around. i give my all to the one im in a relationship with. no need to make ties with others who are just going to use you.
i want someone who won't give up on me for once someone who:
is worth giving my trust to
who wants to spend as much time with me as i do them
who will be with me through thick and thin
who will stay late hours to just cuddle
who wants to hold me and never let go
who doesnt get scared of commitment
i guess i could on but my mind is at a blank right now.
i just want someone to be my best friend, my lover, my companion
even if its just a best friend in general, i need someone in my life that will keep me together.
there is nothing i love more than being in a relationship
and right now its killing me so bad.
im sorry but i like being top priority, and with anyone that ive been with and have been through things with, i deserve to be. im not saying waaa waa on me but seriously, i need to be romanticized!
ummm other than that school has been good. i have a photography class now which is sweet. its from 7-10 pm though. sucksss. i hate having class every day at 8am.
i climbed mt major over the weekend. it was a major pain in my ass. we did not make it to the top, yes, i was a wimp and it was getting dark out. but it was still beautiful from what we could see. i love northern NH.
keith and i also came up on our 10 month. DOES NOT seem like its been almost a year, its so crazy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
today is march 31st, obviously. im sure that since that was almost keith and i's 10 month that had to have been written back in september.
its been a year and 4 months. this last month has been such a disaster.
valentines day came and went, and so did our relationship. i dont even know where to begin. is it so wrong to get mad at your boyfriend for wanting to have band practice instead of spending it with his girlfriend? i guess i could have made it more aware that i was upset about it, or else it might have gone better. a lot of things came out of the woodwork that weekend and it all came crashing down. i was mad, i didnt fight back about staying together, and so i let him make the decision. which was the worst thing i could have done. he wanted to take a break. we were both extremely upset about it and wanted nothing more that to just be together, but both of us had stuff we needed to take care of. so after not even a week he goes on this power trip with partying and band (this power trip that after a month or so he still has). i was cleaning out my old cell phone of messages and came across one that broke my heart. the last nice thing he had to say to me " i can't be with out you, i feel so empty". i dont even think he knows what empty feels like at this point. hes filled his heart with who knows who else. its not me, my spots been taken and he wants nothing to do with me.
does anyone know what its like to go from getting flowers on valentines day with a note that says "be my valentine forever?" to having them say "i cant see us ever being more than friends again". i know that maybe hes just saying that right now. im giving him his space. i have barely talked to him in a week. his birthday was last thursday. i tried throwing him a birthday party, but it didnt work out. i was supposed to see him on saturday and give him his presents, but of course, it didnt work out, he had other things to do. so you know what, im returning what i can and not even bothering right now. im not going to chase after someone who doesnt want me, who doesnt even want to talk to me or see me. someone who used to fill my life with such utter happiness that i couldnt even stand it. i may have been unhappy at times, and told him how i felt, but when youre with someone, you NEED to express how you feel. that in which he never did even when i point blank asked. he is everything that i want or need, he is my best friend and everything else you could get in a relationship from someone. this has been the worst month and a half, wow almost 2, that i have been through in my life. this is worse than ryan. of course it was easier with ryan because he broke up with me and kept me in his life basically as his girlfriend, until i actually got fed up with it and just let him go. keith cutting me off completely is the hardest thing ever for me.
my life sucks right now. my closest friends are moving away, my boyfriend/best friend wont even talk to me, i basically have NO life. i come home from work everyday and just sit in my room. mostly my fault of course, but what else do i have to do?? maybe i should just go back to school. i need to make friends, i need to get out and do something. im seriously debating moving to Portland OR.
i hate being single. i hate feeling vulnerable, unwanted, deprived and starved for affection. im not one to go around with other guys and sleep around. i give my all to the one im in a relationship with. no need to make ties with others who are just going to use you.
i want someone who won't give up on me for once someone who:
is worth giving my trust to
who wants to spend as much time with me as i do them
who will be with me through thick and thin
who will stay late hours to just cuddle
who wants to hold me and never let go
who doesnt get scared of commitment
i guess i could on but my mind is at a blank right now.
i just want someone to be my best friend, my lover, my companion
even if its just a best friend in general, i need someone in my life that will keep me together.
there is nothing i love more than being in a relationship
and right now its killing me so bad.