(no subject)
it's such a wierd thing, really. when everything that you have been building towards and hoping for, and everything that you have right in front of you and within arms reach, become one and the same, and everything that you've wanted to do for so long become the things that you actually are doing and are about to be doing.... and it's an even wierder thing when that all of finally becomes the case, and it feels like things should be at their best and happiest points- and then the loneliness and the hurt and the fear, and everything that you've been building away from for so long, only hit that much harder, and knock you that much further back. and i'm having to learn all over again that there are certain scars, and certain pains and fears and problems that are just to deeply rooted to simply dance away from. and there are certain things that, no matter how much it feels like i have grown and changed and built away from, are too deeply rooted, and too much a part of me to simply shake off, and expect to no longer effect me. and even though i have so many amazing things in front of me, it's still so hard to see it sometimes, and it's still so hard to feel like i can do anything other than just fuck it all up, and kill anything that could ever matter to me at all. it's frustrating to me that i still feel like crying so often, and feeling so scared, even in the best of circumstances. and it's frustrating that it's still so hard to simply enjoy anything without letting the fears suffocate every last bit of it all.
and i keep seeing these patterns, all over again. the ones where i lose every bit of strength or faith in myself that i could have possibly had, at the times when i need them the absolute most. the ones where i lose all concept of myself, when i really need it the most, and i just get so weak and scared and fuck everything over right before things reach their most best moments, and the moments that i have been building towards and hoping for.
and there are those times. the ones where you have no concept of fear and regret, and there is no such thing as a wrong move. where you simply live, and let the rest fall into place. the ones where you just feel so incredibly strong and alive, and your actions and momentum are such that you leave life no choice but to answer to you. and it does. and in those times, you live as if death and dying never existed, and in alot of ways, they really don't.
and then there are those other times. the ones where you see the impact that your every action could make, and you realize the importance of it all- so you cling to everything. you over compensate and hold on too tightly and every action loses it's honestly. because it is made no longer in stride and as an extension of what you are, but with careful annalyzation, and based around your fears rather than what you truely are and want.
and for me in these times, everything begins to revolve around the fear, and every action becomes compensation for another, and things fall into these cycles. the ones where everything falls apart, and i lose that strength and stride, and that concept of self, and i begin answering to everything, as opposed to letting it answer to me. and instead of really living, and letting life develop and take shape and become all of the things that i know it could be, and letting myself and my actions do the same, instead i cling on too tightly, or let everything that could be great just fade away. not even because you want to, but because you lose all concept of how to do anything else. the words and actions just wont come anymore.
lately, things have definately been bordering on the second of those times in life. and as much as i wish i could, it's just so hard to know how to break out of those cycles. especially when all you have ever known of yourself in such situations is failure and falling apart, and never being quite enough. when all that you have ever known is just to watch it all fade away. just out of reach, and just beyond everything that you wish you could be.
but then, that's what's so important about constantly being in progress and motion, and never stopping or slowing to stare backwards. never being held to these cycles or scars or fears. that is what is so important about continually letting yourself feel, and continually learning about yourself from those feelings. it's where understanding and empowerment meet. it's a place that i am thankful to be approaching, and it's a place that i can only hope i will continually be able to find.
and i keep seeing these patterns, all over again. the ones where i lose every bit of strength or faith in myself that i could have possibly had, at the times when i need them the absolute most. the ones where i lose all concept of myself, when i really need it the most, and i just get so weak and scared and fuck everything over right before things reach their most best moments, and the moments that i have been building towards and hoping for.
and there are those times. the ones where you have no concept of fear and regret, and there is no such thing as a wrong move. where you simply live, and let the rest fall into place. the ones where you just feel so incredibly strong and alive, and your actions and momentum are such that you leave life no choice but to answer to you. and it does. and in those times, you live as if death and dying never existed, and in alot of ways, they really don't.
and then there are those other times. the ones where you see the impact that your every action could make, and you realize the importance of it all- so you cling to everything. you over compensate and hold on too tightly and every action loses it's honestly. because it is made no longer in stride and as an extension of what you are, but with careful annalyzation, and based around your fears rather than what you truely are and want.
and for me in these times, everything begins to revolve around the fear, and every action becomes compensation for another, and things fall into these cycles. the ones where everything falls apart, and i lose that strength and stride, and that concept of self, and i begin answering to everything, as opposed to letting it answer to me. and instead of really living, and letting life develop and take shape and become all of the things that i know it could be, and letting myself and my actions do the same, instead i cling on too tightly, or let everything that could be great just fade away. not even because you want to, but because you lose all concept of how to do anything else. the words and actions just wont come anymore.
lately, things have definately been bordering on the second of those times in life. and as much as i wish i could, it's just so hard to know how to break out of those cycles. especially when all you have ever known of yourself in such situations is failure and falling apart, and never being quite enough. when all that you have ever known is just to watch it all fade away. just out of reach, and just beyond everything that you wish you could be.
but then, that's what's so important about constantly being in progress and motion, and never stopping or slowing to stare backwards. never being held to these cycles or scars or fears. that is what is so important about continually letting yourself feel, and continually learning about yourself from those feelings. it's where understanding and empowerment meet. it's a place that i am thankful to be approaching, and it's a place that i can only hope i will continually be able to find.