Human Behavior...
I'm absolutely fascinated by human behavior. I was contemplating a comment left anonymously in my journal yesterday, and decided to make this post, and maybe even most of my further posts, public and open to anonymous posting. I refuse to be cowed, shamed, or hurt by whatever they might write.
Leslie posted that she missed our conversations and play, as well as saying that she didn't know if she was blocked from using her LJs on my LJ. Despite me having told her that I was banning her earlier, so I told her that yes, I had banned her - as I have done so from my life. Given both her and Christine's treatment of me, they are both banned from my LJ and their e-mails filtered to go to the trash in my e-mail. If either are desperate enough to make another e-mail or livejournal to contact me, that's their own issue - but it would be a move of desperation or anger. Nothing to do with my new lifestyle.
After pretty much publicly announcing that I'm taking up a Vulcan philosophy, I wonder what the purpose of such a comment would be. Flattery, appeasement are not - or so she claims. She also was very defensive about wanting attention, so if I were to believe that comment, it would not be to gain more attention either, or some sort of positive reinforcement. Therefore, one would assume that an acceptance of my analysis of the situation - all I, and my new philosophy are allowing me - would be satisfactory. Instead, Leslie chose to question whether or not she should have posted. I suppose that depends on what she had been expecting. Nothing that I am able to provide any longer, although as I told her, it matters very little to me what she posts, or why. I answered as best I could, and she can accept the situation as is - or not. The only real importance of that post is that I did not give into any emotions - neither rage or resentment or any flicker of past pleasure rose up within me. I was slightly nervous, afraid even, when I saw the anonymous comment, and guessing what it might be; I was even more so when I opened the e-mail to confirmation. That sensation dissipated even before finishing the fist sentence.
However, if the purpose were merely to tell me she had been thinking about me and missed our conversations - which seems to be the next logical conclusion - than no answer, or any answer, should have been sufficient. It may be blunt, but I have no interest in her life, her whereabouts, and I am attempting to cleanse myself from caring about what she might have to say about me, to completely not caring at all. I have not been thinking about her; I haven not wished her well, nor wished her ill. She is, in essence, non-existent in my life except when she forces herself back in. This is the best reaction possible, to her, to any situation perhaps. I have yet to decide on how far to suppress my emotions and if my goal is to try to expel all emotion or only the ones that are thought of as 'negative' - fear, hate, anger - although they are simply emotions. What matters is what we do with our emotions.
All in all, I remain rather confused as to motivations. Perhaps the reason that I don't miss the conversations, and am willing to say so to Leslie, is that they were pleasurable but provided no true satisfaction - nothing long lasting, nothing like what I'm doing now. Also, I was getting conflicting messages - I lost interest in you, I was afraid you were losing interest in me, to 'she's clingy' - so I am grateful for the lack of confusion... And as Sue said, I can find people who aren't going to mess with my head. Another friend valiantly stood up for Leslie, saying at least she was saying good things. However, my past experience has taught me that she provides conflicting views depending on what is most beneficial at the moment and in any given circumstances. Someone who manipulates me so often no longer deserves the kind of trust, although it was a very admirable and honorable sentiment - I appreciate the effort and thought. I truly wish you were right, but I fear not.
As a last note - of course you were afraid I was losing interest, because it was clear you were losing interest, so I cultivated new friends, and a more stable real life. Really, given your own statements, that was a trap of your own making, and another that I will not take responsibility for. If you were truly my friend, you wouldn't need me to entertain you only when it benefited you, and would appreciate the fact that, yes, I have other friends.
I have to go to dinner with Rene.
PS - District Nine kicked ass. Phil and Sue might have to feed me cat food from now on XD
Leslie posted that she missed our conversations and play, as well as saying that she didn't know if she was blocked from using her LJs on my LJ. Despite me having told her that I was banning her earlier, so I told her that yes, I had banned her - as I have done so from my life. Given both her and Christine's treatment of me, they are both banned from my LJ and their e-mails filtered to go to the trash in my e-mail. If either are desperate enough to make another e-mail or livejournal to contact me, that's their own issue - but it would be a move of desperation or anger. Nothing to do with my new lifestyle.
After pretty much publicly announcing that I'm taking up a Vulcan philosophy, I wonder what the purpose of such a comment would be. Flattery, appeasement are not - or so she claims. She also was very defensive about wanting attention, so if I were to believe that comment, it would not be to gain more attention either, or some sort of positive reinforcement. Therefore, one would assume that an acceptance of my analysis of the situation - all I, and my new philosophy are allowing me - would be satisfactory. Instead, Leslie chose to question whether or not she should have posted. I suppose that depends on what she had been expecting. Nothing that I am able to provide any longer, although as I told her, it matters very little to me what she posts, or why. I answered as best I could, and she can accept the situation as is - or not. The only real importance of that post is that I did not give into any emotions - neither rage or resentment or any flicker of past pleasure rose up within me. I was slightly nervous, afraid even, when I saw the anonymous comment, and guessing what it might be; I was even more so when I opened the e-mail to confirmation. That sensation dissipated even before finishing the fist sentence.
However, if the purpose were merely to tell me she had been thinking about me and missed our conversations - which seems to be the next logical conclusion - than no answer, or any answer, should have been sufficient. It may be blunt, but I have no interest in her life, her whereabouts, and I am attempting to cleanse myself from caring about what she might have to say about me, to completely not caring at all. I have not been thinking about her; I haven not wished her well, nor wished her ill. She is, in essence, non-existent in my life except when she forces herself back in. This is the best reaction possible, to her, to any situation perhaps. I have yet to decide on how far to suppress my emotions and if my goal is to try to expel all emotion or only the ones that are thought of as 'negative' - fear, hate, anger - although they are simply emotions. What matters is what we do with our emotions.
All in all, I remain rather confused as to motivations. Perhaps the reason that I don't miss the conversations, and am willing to say so to Leslie, is that they were pleasurable but provided no true satisfaction - nothing long lasting, nothing like what I'm doing now. Also, I was getting conflicting messages - I lost interest in you, I was afraid you were losing interest in me, to 'she's clingy' - so I am grateful for the lack of confusion... And as Sue said, I can find people who aren't going to mess with my head. Another friend valiantly stood up for Leslie, saying at least she was saying good things. However, my past experience has taught me that she provides conflicting views depending on what is most beneficial at the moment and in any given circumstances. Someone who manipulates me so often no longer deserves the kind of trust, although it was a very admirable and honorable sentiment - I appreciate the effort and thought. I truly wish you were right, but I fear not.
As a last note - of course you were afraid I was losing interest, because it was clear you were losing interest, so I cultivated new friends, and a more stable real life. Really, given your own statements, that was a trap of your own making, and another that I will not take responsibility for. If you were truly my friend, you wouldn't need me to entertain you only when it benefited you, and would appreciate the fact that, yes, I have other friends.
I have to go to dinner with Rene.
PS - District Nine kicked ass. Phil and Sue might have to feed me cat food from now on XD