long time no write.
it's amazing how time passes, and our memories of all the hurt and all the good times are all that's even left to remind us the past was even there at all.
my life is 10 feet in the air right now.
i'm applying to colleges...and i have no clue which one i'll end up at.
i'm up to my ears in a relationship that somehow i think i've got the ending to figured out, just not everything in between.
family? what? huh? i don't understand.
i decided to write given the talk stephen and i had last night over dinner. i sat across the table from him, smiling, and that's all i could do. he talked like we weren't apart 6 days a week, like he didn't remind me every day that we're NOT together and that he's NOT ready for this, like none of the mess that's been made was real....he talked of how i was his angel, how we were so perfect, how he kept trying to test it and all he could think of was how i was "it".......he talked in so much detail of how we would move to california together in 2 years, when i graduate, like it was only 2 months away....how life would be perfect.....
somehow i felt detached from it. somehow i longed for the moment. for the feeling that we're HERE, right now. and that's how i feel about everything, like it's all building for something, and everything that's in my face and relevant is falling apart and neglected.
and tomorrow is valentine's day. i will spend it alone and at work.....thinking of how to keep myself busy and just get through the days until thursday night. pathetic. all of this. i hate it here, so much.
at the end of the day, my happiness is relatively simple. he knows that, of all people. and i refuse to think that its wrong for someone to hold your heart, your happiness (or at least their own part of it) in their hands......we all allow it to happen. it's just that we're taught not to admit it, we're taught it's a sign of weakness....maybe that's why people die everyday full of regret and unhappy.
sure, this is it for me. my life doesn't revolve or depend on it, but its the difference between having something to hold onto or feeling like it's more likely you'll just spin out of control.
BUT. i am loved. someone is IN love with me, completely. and i have some amazing friends.
my life is 10 feet in the air right now.
i'm applying to colleges...and i have no clue which one i'll end up at.
i'm up to my ears in a relationship that somehow i think i've got the ending to figured out, just not everything in between.
family? what? huh? i don't understand.
i decided to write given the talk stephen and i had last night over dinner. i sat across the table from him, smiling, and that's all i could do. he talked like we weren't apart 6 days a week, like he didn't remind me every day that we're NOT together and that he's NOT ready for this, like none of the mess that's been made was real....he talked of how i was his angel, how we were so perfect, how he kept trying to test it and all he could think of was how i was "it".......he talked in so much detail of how we would move to california together in 2 years, when i graduate, like it was only 2 months away....how life would be perfect.....
somehow i felt detached from it. somehow i longed for the moment. for the feeling that we're HERE, right now. and that's how i feel about everything, like it's all building for something, and everything that's in my face and relevant is falling apart and neglected.
and tomorrow is valentine's day. i will spend it alone and at work.....thinking of how to keep myself busy and just get through the days until thursday night. pathetic. all of this. i hate it here, so much.
at the end of the day, my happiness is relatively simple. he knows that, of all people. and i refuse to think that its wrong for someone to hold your heart, your happiness (or at least their own part of it) in their hands......we all allow it to happen. it's just that we're taught not to admit it, we're taught it's a sign of weakness....maybe that's why people die everyday full of regret and unhappy.
sure, this is it for me. my life doesn't revolve or depend on it, but its the difference between having something to hold onto or feeling like it's more likely you'll just spin out of control.
BUT. i am loved. someone is IN love with me, completely. and i have some amazing friends.