picking nits

[enchantee]

Quick queston: is this like a workshop, in that anyone can give their two cents, or is it more like therapy, in that it's just the mods that are supposed to be giving the suggestions? This is actually more out of curiosity than anything, I can't really find a leaning either way in the userinfo

Comments

!

[kofi]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your grammar is, for the most part, flawless and your characterization is wonderful. The twins are super cute and believable; the same goes for Kyouya.

Reading this pleased me immensely because you delve into their personalities and focus on their interactions with each other, as opposed to over half of the fandom which mostly concentrates on the pairings and smut. You have a fantastic writing voice and it carries well through your story. On top of that, the transitions from paragraph to paragraph are smooth.

There is only one thing I found that disrupted the flow of your writing. It's the dialogue line:

“I thought we agreed, that monologue was too long.”Remove that comma and I think it's perfect -- unless you were going for a strategic pause and it isn't misplaced

! x 2

[kofi]

somehow i didn't see your addition about potentially being a reserve mod at the end. *A*)/ WOOOOOO GO ME retardation x 1,000.

Re: ! x 2

[enchantee]

Haha, no; actually, it's splendid evidence of the fact that I do, in fact, edit a lot, and most certainly did not choke this out at a moment's notice. I probably edited it about fifteen million times while you were reading it, for which I apologize greatly. & I'll be sure to ask her about it; thanks!

And you are absolutely right; that is a very misplaced comma. Will see to that immediately.

& Thank you very much; I was mostly worried about the characterization and flow of the story, so your comment is hugely relieving (& therefore, also quite helpful!). And yeah, that's sadly true of pretty much every fandom; it actually made me afraid that this would be, well, boring! So I'm glad you liked it.

I will, of course, wait for other verdicts, though. Thank you so much for your time & input!

=3=

[kofi]

Not boring at all! I laughed at a couple parts. On top of all the other compliments I dropped on you, you're also great with humour.

I'm not really into the pairings and smut stuff myself, so once again I have to say it's so nice to see something cute like this. ;3;

As far as other mods go, I'm sure they'll find something I've missed and I'll look like a complete ass. It tends to happen. *A*)/

Re: =3=

[enchantee]

Ahaha, wow, thanks! I'm never sure if people follow my sense of humor, so that makes me immensely happy.

Re: !

[xwingace]

Only mods are allowed to nitpick at other people's stories.

Really? Shame. And not quite my experience (granted, I was the first to post a story to be critted here and it was an unusual one.)

I quite liked getting comments from other people as well.

XWA

Re: !

[leesy_metallium]

Ah yeah, I didn't realise it was only mods allowed. =/ I should have been told off when I did that critique on the first post, but it won't happen again.

Re: !

[enchantee]

It kind of makes more sense to me to have anyone who wants to critique. In any case, if you have anything that you want to say, feel free to drop an e-mail. trytowish [at] gmail . com

Re: !

[xwingace]

Well, I personally found no reason to tell you off, your comments were all very nice and insightful. Not to mention useful...

XWA
And in the meantime, I managed to finish the whole thing. Would you like to beta it? (As one of several. I'm entering a new fandom with this stuff. Can't be too careful)

my e-mail is xwingace@gmail.com if you'd like to do it.