Yesterday was... odd.
This is a journal entry I wrote at my new therapist's request, because she wanted to know how my dissociative issues affect me in a day. It might not be representative, because there was way more activity than usual yesterday, but I'll send it off to her this afternoon. -_-; she's going to think I'm SO fucking crazy.
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First therapy appointment in the morning. Was pretty anxious about meeting a new therapist and discussing the past. Heard a few different distinct voices, some of whom I haven't talked to for years, making comments about the new therapist and past therapy sessions with Dr. Benoit (the last time I saw someone for dissociative issues). Managed to stay totally present and fairly calm the whole time. Talking about the past, struggling to find dates, recounting things I only have partial memories of, was stressful and made me feel uncertain of myself and worried about the gaps; I think I managed to give a decent overall timeline, though. When the session was over and I went back out to the car, I felt quite dissociative (distant from the world around me) and wasn't sure of myself driving. Someone else offered to take over for me, and I grudgingly allowed it. This is one of the only times this has happened in recent history. I think it was the voice who calls herself January. I stepped back, which feels like giving up most control of my body and some level of awareness, and she immediately took over in a smooth transition. I was still mostly aware of what was going on at the time, but my memory of that part of the day isn't very clear. Our body language changed, she threw on some hard rock (which I only ever listen to when I'm upset, though she seemed in a great mood), lit up another cigarette, and started having fun in the new car. Our muffler is out, and she says she loves how loud and growly the car is now (something I feel embarassed about and intend to get fixed very soon), even though it's just a beater station wagon.
As I had been planning to go to my usual haunt, ##################, she drove us there first. There wasn't any parking, and she quickly got frustrated and decided we should go to a different coffeehouse far away from where we usually spend time-- the ###### in #################. She drives well, but faster than I think is responsible or wise. It was much better than I was driving as we left the appointment, though. We spent a few hours at the ##########, she got a drink, chatted with the baristas, smoked outside and lounged around like she owned the place, wrote a "sample work day" resplendant with her usual colorful language, modified a post I was working on in an online journal about the dissociative issues I've been experiencing (putting her comments in [brackets]), and listened to music. My partner called me, upset about a call she had gotten from the rental company at a new apartment we were hoping to move into, and I managed to -mostly- come back for the phone call, though some comments from January still slipped into the conversation. I felt like she was present with me at the same time, which was disconcerting.
My partner asked me to come back to ########### to meet her, because she was having a hard day, but I was reluctant to go all the way over there to support her. She sounded so sad, though, that I said I would come over and pick her up. I packed up our things, probably visibly upset and looking drained, and went out to the car. January wanted to take over again, so I stepped back. I was intending to take over again once we got to Dinkytown, but she insisted she could handle it since I was reluctant to be there anyway. She was in a -great- mood, was cracking jokes and tackling cheering up my partner with the manic energy she has for almost everything, and talked my partner into going out and doing something fun. They settled on playing cards in the park near our house. My partner was making comments, which January was brushing off casually, about how I was in a weird mood and seemed different. I warned January to chill out and be more like me, and she brushed me off too. She was having too much fun to be bothered.
They parked, got out of the car, and walked over to the park. Even the way January was walking felt weird to me; I don't know if my partner noticed or not. They sat down together undera tree and started getting things out. Then my partner tried to kiss January and she shied away and tried to blow it off casually, but she wasn't having it. She asked why I had been so distant and hadn't shown her any affection since picking her up, and looked quite upset. I asked January to let me take over again, and she grudgingly allowed me to. I got close to and hugged/kissed my partner, which felt strange for a few seconds, and then felt natural and good again. The only problem is, I was in control again, and was still feeling down. She must have thought the sudden contrasting shift in mood was really odd. We talked through things for a while and got ourselves back to a good place, but I was still feeling drained and distant. I asked if we could go up to our apartment, which Mel thought was strange because "I" had argued against it before, but she agreed.
We lay together for a while, she talked to me about concerns she had about me being so out of it, and asked me to "come back" and if there was any way she could help. After a while talking and holding each-other, then joking and playing around, I felt more like myself and fully present. My mood gradually improved, though I was still unsettled by the day. When she asked me if I would talk about what I've been dealing with, I told her I wasn't ready to yet, because I didn't know what I was dealing with and didn't want to end up telling her something that was objectively false. She hesitantly accepted this, but urged me to talk to her about it when I felt I could. I made dinner for us, and spent the evening relaxing. She made a few sexual advances, but I had felt really uncomfortable with sex for the last couple of days (following her talking about some things in a class that triggered rape memories for her) and did my best to avoid it. Unlike the previous couple of days, though, I was able to -tell- her I wasn't able to that night instead of just being avoidant and falling into a premature sleep. This behavior worries me a little, because it's how I used to avoid sex with the few men I tried dating in the past, when I didn't realize I needed/could to tell them I didn't feel able to have sex with them, and it always caused problems in the past. We were both tired out, so we went to bed and fell asleep together earlier than usual.