FIC: (Waiting For You) On the Other Side (SGA, Beckett/Lorne, FRM)
Title: (Waiting For You) On the Other Side
Author: soft_princess
Website: Fly With Me
Date: December 13, 2007
Word count: 8,000
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: Carson Beckett/Evan Lorne
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: They are all owned by people who are not me, the characters and setting, I mean. The story idea though, that's all mine.
Spoilers/setting: set after "Sunday", no spoilers for later episodes of s3, or s4 at all.
Summary: The first time Lorne sees Dr. Beckett after his death, it's the middle of the night, and Lorne thinks he's dreaming.
Note: I, uh. I may be just a little bit nervous here. New fandom, and all that. So, uh. Hi.
Thanks to lostgirlslair and mireille719 for the all the encouragement, the readthroughs, and the magnificent beta you both did. This fic would not be what it is without the two of you.
"Immortality is the condition of a dead man who doesn't believe he is dead." -- H. L. Mencken
Source: the quotations page
The first time Lorne sees Dr. Beckett, after his death, it's the middle of the night, and Lorne thinks he's dreaming.
He hasn't been able to sleep, so he's taken out his easel and canvas and set to work, painting the window and the outside view. It's rough and not his best work, but it's soothing, and that's what he needs. He's been painting for about an hour, and now Beckett's leaning against the wall next to the window, and Lorne is so focused he almost doesn't see him. When he does, he really thinks he's dreaming.
Dr. Beckett doesn't say a word; he just stares at him. Lorne pulls back, staring first at Beckett and then at the painting, and realizes that, somehow, unconsciously, he's painted the doctor into the picture. When Beckett notices, he smiles.
The next morning, the painting is still on the easel where Lorne left it, and Beckett's a bright light painted in the corner of the canvas. He's nothing like what Lorne remembers seeing, and yet--he painted this. It wasn't a dream.
That is, unless he can paint in his sleep, but he doubts it. He hasn't sleepwalked in years.
Lorne shrugs, hangs the painting to dry on the wall where Dr. Beckett had been leaning, and goes to the mess hall for breakfast, smiling for the first time in a week.
It's not that he's happy or anything, after all, Beckett's still dead as far as he knows. There's just something about seeing the doctor, and painting him into the picture, that makes Lorne want to smile.
*
The second time, Lorne's woken up by something, although he can't remember any sound at all. It's about 0300; the night's unusually dark, but when Lorne sits up, there's a light in the corner, next to the window. Beckett is there, leaning against the wall in exactly the same way he had two nights before, and he's watching Lorne.
"Why are you here?" Lorne winces at how loud he sounds in the otherwise silent room.
There isn't an answer. Dr. Beckett shakes his head and gives Lorne a semblance of a smile. The next moment, he's gone.
*
The third time happens on P4T 539.
Lorne and his team are lost in what looks like a cheap knock-off of the Amazon jungle. They've been wandering for hours, everyone's getting tired, the comms won't work, and Lorne's barking orders, trying to keep everyone awake and walking. He's seen some things lurking in the shadows that he's pretty sure would love to pounce and devour them on the spot. He can't chance stopping even just long enough to rest.
He's hauling an exhausted Dr. Parrish up from where he's fallen on the ground when the now familiar light appears in the corner of his vision. Startled, he turns to look at it. Beckett's pointing in the opposite direction, at a path between two broken trees that Lorne had missed. Lorne doesn't waste another second. He gives Beckett a nod, and yells, "This way!" to the others, breathing a sigh of relief when they follow him without a word. Even Parrish seems to find a hidden stash of energy and follows briskly behind Lorne.
It's only when they're finally within sight of the Stargate--and holy fuck, does that feel like the greatest moment of the day--that the light fades. Carson's seen them safely home, Lorne thinks, and he's grateful. He'd been giving up hope back there.
"That's--how did you find the way back?" Dr. Parrish asks, looking at the 'gate as if mesmerized by the sight. Not that Lorne can blame him; he's just as glad to see the thing.
He answers Parrish the same way he answers Colonel Sheppard ten minutes later in the 'gate room: "A hunch."
Thankfully, they don't question it; which is wise, because the point is not how they managed to get back, but how they got lost in the first place, and why none of the comms and other tech work over there, except around the 'gate. The debriefing takes almost all of the next day and by the time they're done, no one's less confused than they were going in. McKay thinks it's something like a natural electromagnetic field, but he can't be sure, and Elizabeth won't authorize another mission there. It's uninhabited for a reason, and even if they can't figure out what that reason is, P4T 539 is knocked off the list of potential alpha sites.
*
When Lorne finally manages to fall asleep that night, he dreams of P4T 539; of the forest, the sounds, the colours, the shadows, and the empty trails. He looks up and finds Carson there, smiling at him. Lorne doesn't even think about whatever's lurking in the shadows and the bushes, barely even wonders how far he is from the 'gate. He says "hey there."
Carson's hand ghosts over Lorne's cheek without a word. When Lorne tries to grab his forearm, he finds nothing but air.
*
The fourth time--because dreams don't count--Lorne starts thinking that he really should be telling someone about this. He's pretty sure, though, that he's the only one in the room who can see Carson, and he's not willing to have nine people doubt his sanity just yet.
They're in a meeting. Five of the scientists are trying to impress them by exposing the superior quality of the power sources (although nowhere near as effective as ZPMs, McKay makes sure to point out several times) the Pollarins on R2P 721 are jealously keeping the secret of--although they apparently don't mind trading the things, just not how they're made. Lorne's not sure what the hell he's doing here; it's not like he understands most of what McKay's saying, but Colonel Sheppard requested he attend, so here Lorne is.
Fifteen minutes into McKay's speech, Lorne thinks about asking McKay why he can't just build the damn things--if he knows how it works, and the equation on the board suggests that someone here does, it should be fairly easy to reproduce, right? At least, Lorne would think so--but then he thinks better of it. He hasn't really been listening, and if McKay's already answered that question, asking would result in a verbal smack down Lorne would like to avoid at all costs.
Elizabeth and Teyla, on the other end, look suitably impressed, and Lorne can hear Sheppard start planning the mission. Carson, though, he's shaking his head like this is the worst idea ever. Lorne agrees with him; he thought it was a bad idea the moment McKay came up with it, but he can't say why. Except Carson looks like he has the answer, so Lorne interrupts the Colonel. "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?" Sheppard's obviously shocked; it's not often that Lorne second guesses his CO, and it shows on the Colonel's face. "Sounds like a good plan to me."
"Oh, the plan's fine, sir," Lorne replies quickly. Carson's pointing at the board in the corner where McKay wrote down the equation that explained how the power sources work, an equation which only he and Zelenka seemed to understand. And maybe Sheppard, but Lorne won't tell him that he knows, because Sheppard likes everyone to think he isn't as smart as he is, and Lorne respects that. It's not like a lot of people know he paints either.
He stands and goes to the board, pointing to the exact part of the equation Carson's pointing at.
"Oh, my God."
Before Lorne has time to say anything, McKay's leaping to his feet and pushing Lorne out of the way. Lorne barely manages not to land on his ass.
"You're right!" McKay says. "If we connect these things to the naqahdah generators, the whole city's gonna blow up! How the hell did I miss this?"
Lorne shrugs and gives Carson a smile. Just like that, the scientists are back to arguing, Weir calls off the mission, and Sheppard's looking at him suspiciously.
"How did you know? I thought you majored in geology," Sheppard asks.
Like a deer caught in headlights, Lorne freezes. Maybe this is his cue to explain, to tell the Colonel about Carson, but instead he gives him another shrug. "Just a hunch, sir."
*
When Carson appears next, Lorne's in the shower. He has one hand on the tiles, holding himself up, and the other is between his legs, sliding up and down on his hard cock. He tilts his head to the side, and sees Carson there, light like a halo surrounding him, and he's watching. Again.
Lorne is more than aware that the normal thing to do right now would be to stop. He can--and should--take his hand off his cock, and grab the towel on the handlebar to cover himself up.
He doesn't. There's something in Carson's eyes, something that reminds Lorne of the few times he ended up in the infirmary, and Carson touched his arm and gave him a smile. It reminds Lorne of the fluttering in his stomach that he always, always, refuses to acknowledge when he's on duty and not safe at home with his dog and no CO hanging over his shoulder.
But he can't look away, and Carson's gaze doesn't waver.
Their eyes lock, and Lorne speeds up his strokes. He's so close already, and Carson's there and watching him, and Lorne is coming, hard and fast like he hasn't come in a long time.
When he opens his eyes again, forehead against the tiles and panting, Carson has a mischievous smile on his lips, and Lorne finds himself answering him with a grin of his own.
His dream, that night, is a lot steamier than the last one.
*
After that, Lorne loses count. Carson saves his ass three more times off-world, manages to keep the whole city from blowing up, again, at least twice, and appears to Lorne in his quarters at least once every two days, sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes in the morning. Colonel Sheppard looks more and more suspicious every time Lorne manages to save their asses with a hunch, and Lorne's expecting to have a talk with his CO about it pretty soon. Just not right now.
Lorne isn't sure why Carson's chosen him--he has an idea, but he doesn't really want to know--or even if he has. The fantasy's sometimes better than the truth. He's scared Carson didn't have a choice.
*
It's a Tuesday when Carson watches Lorne jerk off for the second time. He appears when Lorne is getting ready for bed, and Lorne just lies down like he intended to and slips a hand in his boxers. He keeps his eyes trained on the shadowy figure in the corner. The way Carson's eyes light up is new, and Lorne feels bold enough to push the boxers down.
He's been thinking about Carson at odd moments lately; in the middle of a meeting, in the mess hall during meals, while he's jogging or training or painting. He thinks about Carson's strong cheekbones, his eyes, his shoulders, and the curve of his ass; he wants to remember what Carson sounds like when he laughs, but Lorne isn't even sure he ever heard him laugh.
Lorne knows when he's infatuated, and he's got it bad. Really bad. For a ghost. But that doesn't stop him from doing what he's doing right now. If anything, it elates him.
Long, sure strokes, never taking his eyes away from Carson's ghost; when Lorne comes, it's with Carson's name on his lips.
He looks up, still shuddering, and Carson's left his usual spot on the wall by now. He's hovering close to the bed, his face drawn tight and hand outstretched like he wants to touch so badly he's shaking. Lorne never thought ghosts could shake. He reaches out, wanting to take Carson's hand, pull him close, but just like in his dreams, there's nothing there. Carson shakes his head sadly and disappears.
Lorne's surprised by how much that hurts.
*
Colonel Sheppard corners him in the mess after MX3 505, nearly a week later. "That's the seventh time you've saved yourself, your team, or this city on a hunch in the past month and a half."
Lorne smirks, ignoring the tug in his chest that's telling him this is the conversation he's been dreading. "You're keeping count?" he asks. He sits down with his tray at one of the empty tables near the window. "Jealous, sir?"
"Smartass." Sheppard smacks him over the head before sitting down opposite him. "Seriously, Major, what gives?"
Lorne figures he has two choices. He can play it cool in the hope of convincing his CO that's he hasn't gone off the deep end. Yet. Or he can come clean. There's a 50-50 chance the Colonel will believe him--they've seen some pretty tough shit out here, and this wouldn't even register on the radar. Lorne sighs. Might as well. "I've been seeing a ghost, sir."
"A ghost?" The look Sheppard gives him is quizzical--at least, it doesn't look like he's about to laugh or send him straight to Heightmeyer--so Lorne answers him truthfully.
"Yes, sir, a ghost."
Sheppard's quiet for a minute, possibly processing that information. He munches thoughtfully on his sandwich, and then asks, "So, who is it?"
"Dr. Beckett," Lorne says, in between bites of should-be-meat pie. Then he continues, anticipating Sheppard's next questions, "Since a week after... you know, we got back."
Sheppard blinks and quirks an eyebrow at him.
Lorne thinks that maybe this isn't going so well after all. "I'm not making this up," he says. "The first couple times, it was in my room, middle of the night. Then on P4T 539; he got us back to the gate."
Another few seconds of silence, and then: "How do you know it's him?"
It's Lorne's time to stare. "Come on, sir, I'm not thick. I know what Beckett looks like. I know I didn't spend as much time in the infirmary as you did, but..."
Sheppard gives him a look that clearly means "smartass" again, and then he looks down at his food. "I just don't see how he can be a ghost," he says. "He's been dead for a couple months, now. We buried him."
"I know," Lorne retorts. "I was there."
"Sure he's not ascended?"
Lorne shakes his head. He doesn't know how or why, but he's pretty damn sure Carson's a ghost, not an ascended being. "I can't be sure of that, but if he was ascended, wouldn't he be able to appear to more than just one person? And talk to them? Also, you just said it, we buried his body. He didn't, you know, disappear in a cloud of light or anything."
"He could be a replicator--"
"Now you're just reaching," Lorne interrupts him. "He's a ghost; a non-corporeal form of being or whatever the definition of "ghost" is."
"Or!" Sheppard points at Lorne with his sandwich. "Or you're hallucinating and you need to get your brain checked out." But he's smiling.
Lorne stares at him some more. "I'm sure if there was anything wrong with my brain, Dr. Keller would have noticed by now."
"Well, okay then." The Colonel's still smiling and he bites into his sandwich. It's not much, but Lorne thinks maybe this means Sheppard believes him. "So I guess the good doctor found another way to keep saving our lives. Handy."
"You could say that, sir." Lorne grins.
And he's there, right now, standing a few feet behind the Colonel's chair. Lorne smiles at him, and focuses back on Sheppard. "He's behind you, sir."
Sheppard turns around and frowns. "You're right, can't see anything."
"That's what I thought." Lorne watches Carson disappear, and goes back to the food on his plate.
"I still think you should ask Dr. Keller to do some scans or something."
Lorne doesn't dignify that with an answer.
*
When McKay shows up at Lorne's quarters two hours later, Lorne isn't surprised. Sure, Sheppard said he wasn't going to tell anyone for the time being, but Lorne didn't expect him not to tell McKay. After all, he and Carson were friends.
"Is he here now?" McKay asks, pushing past Lorne the moment the door opens.
"Hello to you too, Rodney," Lorne quips. "Nice of you to drop by."
"Yes, yes," McKay waves his arms around, frantically walking around to look into every corner of the room. "Hello, Major, how have you been? Is he here?"
Lorne rolls his eyes and leans against the wall next to the door, arms drawn to his chest. "McKay--" he warns, but he's interrupted when Carson's light appears. "Yeah, now he is. Calm down, will you?"
"Where? Where is he?" McKay obviously didn't hear the "calm down" part because he's whirling around on his feet, not quite hysterical. Yet.
"Next to the window, and you won't be able to see him, so I suggest you just calm the hell down before I throw you out; you're making me tired just looking at you."
"You need a personality check, Major, you sound like Sheppard," McKay snaps, though, this time, he seems to have calmed down a bit. He's almost not shaking when he walks to the window and touches the wall. "Here?"
Carson's looking at McKay indulgently, and Lorne sighs. Patience is a virtue and all that. "Yeah, he's standing right next to you."
"This is pathetically unfair," Rodney mutters.
"Totally agreeing with you there," Lorne snorts. "Wouldn't mind not being the only one to see him, it'd make me doubt my sanity a lot less."
McKay takes something out of his pocket swiftly and pokes at it. "I don't doubt your sanity for an instant, Major. Look at this." He turns to Lorne and holds the device for him to take. The look on McKay's face is exactly the one he always gets when he finds a new ancient toy to play with.
Lorne walks the few feet separating them and takes it. It looks like a miniature life sign detector, with a screen the size Lorne's palm. "What is it?"
"It shows slight variation in energy readings, those too small to show up on our energy scanners; the kind of disturbances something like, say, a ghost, would be projecting."
"Well, damn." There were three spots on the screen, two of them bright and yellow, the other a muted shade of blue. "So I'm not going nuts."
"Let's hope not, Major, otherwise you've managed to save all our lives seven times while clinically insane, and that would be the kind of disturbing I don't want to think about," McKay says. Then he picks up the device from Lorne's hands and stuffs it in his pocket. "As for you," he says, turning to the wall, "do you have any idea what you've put me through?"
Lorne shuffles back, an amused smile on his lips, and watches McKay yell at the wall.
*
McKay runs out of steam about thirty minutes later. Lorne hasn't been listening to him for the last fifteen. He's leaning against the headboard and looking up at the ceiling when the words stop. Looking back at McKay, he finds him with one hand on the wall, the other rubbing his eyes tiredly. "You okay?"
"Wha--oh, yes." McKay straightens up and clears his throat. "I, uh, sorry, I--" He waves at the wall.
"Yeah, don't worry about it." When Lorne looks up to find Carson, he's moving further into the room, looking determined. "Hold on," he says to McKay when he sees Carson point to his laptop. "I think he's trying to tell us something."
"What?" McKay asks. He takes the device out of his pocket again, and goes to stand exactly next to Carson's ghost. "What does he want?"
Lorne slides into his desk chair and powers up the computer. "I don't know, but let's find out."
Carson points at the screen, leading Lorne through the database. Click here, scroll there, keep scrolling, don't stop scrolling, stop now, click here. It turns out that "what" is a planet address that they haven't gotten around to exploring yet. Lorne isn't sure what to do with that information--there's a whole lot of nothing in there about that particular planet and it's not like Carson can tell them what he wants them to find either--but McKay mutters something about talking to Weir before he shuffles out of the room.
In Lorne's mind, talking to Dr. Weir equals telling her that Lorne's seeing a ghost, pretty basic math right there, and he's not willing to face her or Heightmeyer yet. While the Colonel might have held off telling the base psychiatrist about it, Weir will think it's her duty to report it. Lorne decides it's much safer to hole himself up in his room for the reminder of the evening than go out there and risk running into the well-meaning Heightmeyer.
About an hour later, in the middle of a game of solitaire, Lorne receives confirmation that Sheppard's team's going on a reconnaissance mission to PT8 557 at 0900 the next morning, and he's invited. "Good going, McKay," he thinks, and smiles. There aren't many people who'd be willing to try to make the scientist change his mind, and Lorne's glad it's working in his favour, this time.
He shuffles up to bed sometime in the next hour and stares at the wall for a while, hoping Carson will appear again. The ghost disappeared about a minute after McKay did, and Lorne's feeling almost lonely.
*
He's back on P4T 539, in the forest where he and his team got lost almost two months back, except his team's nowhere to be found and Lorne's wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans instead of his usual off-world attire. He's not even holding a P90. This, in itself, isn't surprising; he's dreamt this more than once in the past couple of months. But this time, everything feels real, almost as real as if he was actually there.
"Major."
Lorne turns around and blinks. Carson's never talked before. Lorne hasn't heard this voice in months. "I'm dreaming, right?"
Carson smiles indulgently. "Aye, you are."
Lorne sits down against a tree, and sighs. "Pretty vivid dream," he muses. The grass feels real under his palms, and he's pretty sure Carson's corporeal; if he could only gather up the courage to touch, he could make sure of that...
"I'm helping it a tiny bit," Carson answers as he sits next to him. He's holding his thumb and forefinger close together and smiling. Then the corners of his mouth turn down and his hand falls into his lap. "I won't be able to appear again for a few days; it's taking me a lot of energy to be here."
"Then why--" But Carson's shaking his head, so Lorne stops. He reaches out and presses his fingers to Carson's forearm. Definitely here. "What about PT8 557?" Lorne asks, trying to get his bearings and not make a fool of himself just yet. "The mission's tomorrow, we might need you there."
Carson shakes his head and twists his hand around until his fingers are resting against Lorne's palm; the touch is like a spark, electricity flickering and coursing through Lorne's veins. "You'll find what you're looking for easily enough, son," Carson says, "you won't need me."
Lorne's never figured himself for an emotional sort of guy, but he has to admit he's getting pretty worked up over this touching thing, and the sound of Carson's voice is almost overwhelming now that they're so close. He hasn't spent that much time in the infirmary--Sheppard's team wins that particular award, hands down--but the accented words, the roll of the tongue, it's so very Carson, and Lorne has to remember to breathe and think. "What--what are we looking for?"
"Ah," Carson says softly. He reaches up and cups Lorne's cheek. The touch is muted, somehow, like that blue light on McKay's mini-sensor thing, and Lorne's reminded that this is just a dream. Carson continues: "You'll know when you find it."
*
When Lorne wakes up, it's already light out. He stares for a moment at the canvas on his wall, trying to make sense of what just happened. Either it was just another of his wishful dreams or Carson really appeared to him, talked to him. Touched him.
Lorne goes for a run, grabs breakfast on the way back, and eats it while he's undressing to grab a shower. He meets the Colonel's team in the 'gate room at 0900 sharp, and they're stepping through the wormhole a moment later.
What they find is a small Ancient outpost, bunker really, just the size of one of Atlantis' personnel quarters, about half a mile straight down the hill from the Stargate. Inside, sitting right on top of a white stone table--and McKay's swearing up and down that this is really, without a doubt and with one hundred percent certainty, what Carson sent them there for--is a device about the size of a shoebox. It looks like one too; a grey, metallic, crystal-covered, shoebox. There are bunk beds, stripped bare, on each side of the bunker, just a couple of feet from the table, and some kind of altar thing in the back, also empty, but even McKay pushes his curiosity aside for now. They'll come back and explore later.
The mission is so routine, so uneventful, that they're back in the 'gate room, debriefed, and on their way by lunch time. McKay and Zelenka disappear with the device in the direction of the labs, and Lorne's turning to follow them when a hand on his arm stops him.
"There'll be plenty of time to go pester them later, Major. Right now, it's time for food."
Sheppard has a point, and with one last longing look at the scientists' retreating backs, Lorne follows his CO and the rest of his team toward the mess hall.
*
An hour, a full meal, and half a game of chess later, even the Colonel can't take it anymore, and they're both on their way to the lab before either of them has time to utter "let's go."
"No, I still haven't figured out what it does," McKay says by way of greeting. "Major, it'd help if you could ask Carson what in the hell this thing's supposed to be." He's looking at Lorne expectantly, like he thinks the answer is going to come just like that.
Except it won't. "He's not here, McKay."
"What do you mean he's not here?" McKay shouts. "Of course he is. He has to be. It's his damn device!"
Lorne flinches and takes one step back when McKay shoves himself in his face. "Look, I'm not lying to you, okay? He's not here."
McKay stares at him for a moment and then grunts. He turns away to rummage on his desk, and when he looks up, Lorne sees the mini energy sensor in his hand. "Huh," McKay sighs.
Lorne holds up his hands when McKay turns to face him. "Not lying."
"I can see that, but why isn't he here?"
To tell or not to tell, that is the question. He risks a glance at John, and figures what the hell, as long as he steers away from the tiny detail of Carson's hand in his--and what happened after--he's not actually telling anything that could screw his career. "He appeared to me in a dream last night, doc. He said it took a lot of energy for him to do that and he'd be out for the count for a couple days, three days tops."
"Then why do it in the first place?"
"That, you'll have to ask him." Lorne shrugs as non-committally as he can manage. Carson never told him why he came, but he didn't need to; it was in every movement, in every look, in every touch; Carson had needed it, to feel alive as much as he could, even if it was just the once.
"Oh, come on, as if you didn't ask," McKay scoffs. "Carson's anything but an idiot, except when he's that, but he sent us to get this device, he should have known we'd need his help to figure it out, so why would he waste his very limited supply of energy on appearing to you in a damn dream?"
"McKay," Sheppard's tone is a warning, but Lorne's the one who shivers and tries not to panic. McKay only looks annoyed at it, and Sheppard adds: "Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to."
Lorne's dumbstruck. He watches the look of understanding on McKay's face and hears the small "oh" of recognition that comes out of his mouth, but it's in slow motion, and what Lorne can feel and hear the most is the quiet sound of the world falling apart around him.
With one last look at the device, sitting innocuously on McKay's desk surrounded by note pads filled with schematics and equations that jumble up together in his eyes and make no sense, Lorne turns on his heels and shoulders past Sheppard on his way out, head down.
*
He makes it down to the North Pier in less than five minutes. He barely passes anyone in the corridors, which is weird given the time of day, but he's grateful for that; he doesn't think he could make small talk if his life depended on it right now. He stands at the very edge of the pier and stares at the infinite expanse of water. Lorne wishes he had rocks to throw, like when he went to the lake every summer, and his brothers and he would compete for who could throw the farthest; their sister always won.
Right here, right now, he misses all three of them something fierce.
He's been there for a little while when he hears the footsteps coming closer and his back goes rigid.
"Major, at ease."
Lorne tries to relax his shoulders, but fails. Instead, he focuses on breathing; if he's about to be told--
"Pot, kettle, seriously, at ease, Lorne, I'm not about to report you," Sheppard says. "Really hadn't thought about Carson though."
Lorne snorts and gives Sheppard a sideways look. "You think I had?"
The Colonel holds up his hands. "I'm not asking."
"Sure you're not." Lorne thinks about the "pot, kettle" comment and wonders if that's a careful admission of something, or an invitation to ask. He's always thought there was something going on between McKay and the Colonel--hell, half the base thinks the bickering's really just foreplay--but he's not going to ask; he has some sense of self-preservation left.
"Look, I'm not--" Sheppard hesitates.
There are a lot of things Lorne's learned since he was assigned to this expedition, and one of them--probably the most important after "if you see a Wraith, run!"--is that Sheppard hates all situations that might require him to open up about personal issues. So Lorne says: "It's fine, Colonel, no need to get all personal on me here." As long as Lorne's not being discharged or court-martialed, he's going to be fine. It's just a shame, he thinks, that the one guy who might possibly understand the turmoil he's going through--Lorne's still not over the whole "falling for a ghost" part--is both his CO, and emotionally repressed.
"I was going to say," Sheppard's saying, "that things out here are different. So long as Caldwell's not snooping around, a slip of the tongue's not going to get you a one way ticket on the Daedalus."
The Colonel's not looking at him at all, and Lorne isn't sure if that's a good thing, or if it only adds to the unreality of the whole conversation. Probably a little of both, and more of the second. "Thanks," he says, simply, then adds, "sir." He's not sure what else he can say to that anyway.
"And knock off the sir," Sheppard says with a short laugh. "It's-- McKay says it's giving me a superiority complex."
Lorne smirks. "Not sure I can do that--sir."
Sheppard snickers and shakes his head. "Whatever. Rodney asked me to tell you that when Carson comes back, you need to drag him to the lab ASAP."
"Sure," Lorne says. He's just as curious about the device as the rest of them, so he's really not going to argue with McKay about that. "Might be a few days."
"Must have been some dream."
Lorne curses himself when he feels his face flush warmly. "You could say that." The look Sheppard gives him is knowing, and maybe a little mischievous. This might not be a disaster after all.
*
Lorne's due for an off-world mission the next day. His team's ready by the time he gets to the 'gate room, for once. Parrish's made a habit of being late, and Sergeant Bosworth spends most mission-mornings hauling the botanist's ass out of bed at the last minute. But this is a scouting mission to a planet the database describes as "lush with exotic vegetation," so Parrish is bright-eyed and ready by the time the rest of them get there.
Despite McKay's insistence that Lorne stays put, Dr. Weir agreed that they can't just wait around for Carson's ghost to show up. And besides, Lorne figures (and tells them so) that Carson'll appear to him off-world if he needs to. He's done it before.
The planet is another forested one, woods as far as the eye can see, and most of it's a bright, blinding purple. Lorne lowers the puddlejumper down in a clearing near the 'gate, and wishes he'd brought his sunglasses.
Parrish only stops working when the sun goes down. Bosworth and Friedrich get a fire burning while Lorne helps Parrish tidy up his plant samples, and they all sit down to eat. They've been going off world together for almost two years, all four of them, and whatever awkwardness they might have had before is long gone by now. It takes very little probing from Friedrich to get Lorne talking.
Bosworth and Friedrich aren't American and whatever regulations their military has, it's nothing like DADT. They tease him about the ghost, but at the end of the day, Lorne knows they've got his back.
More than anything, though, Lorne's glad his team understands the basic "what happens on Planet X, stays on Planet X" rule.
It's three days before Parrish agrees that it might be time to go home, and the only reason he does so is because Lorne mentions, as casually as possible, that Carson's back, and McKay will kill all four of them, including Parrish, if they don't go back now.
Carson's standing next to the biggest purple tree in the camp area when Lorne first notices him, and he has an air about him that says "no rush, take your time." Lorne lets Parrish finish gathering the samples he's taking back to Atlantis, before he tells him it's time to go. It's only when Parrish starts arguing that Lorne mentions Carson, McKay, and the killing part. They're on their way within the next five minutes.
*
The welcome back isn't quite what Lorne expected.
Before he can do more than look at Dr. Weir to say hi, McKay's hauling his ass away from the 'gate room and into a transporter. Dr. Zelenka's already in the lab when they get there, and Lorne's pretty sure Sheppard's going to show up any minute now.
Lorne hasn't showered in three days--they vetoed the lake nearby the camp within an hour of getting there on account of the fish with really big teeth that live in it--and he knows he smells like rotten something, but that doesn't seem to stop McKay at all. "You know," Lorne quips, "you could have let me clean up. Fifteen minutes wouldn't have killed you."
"Ha ha, very funny, Major," McKay replies with that air of annoyance that's so familiar to anyone on the base by now. "I'm not the one on a deadline here."
"Deadline?" Lorne frowns. Okay, that can't be good.
Zelenka nods grimly. "We did research on the device. It is--"
"Some kind of reconstruction device," McKay interrupts him impatiently. "It's another one of the Ancients' ascension experiments. They studied the various stages of death before they started fixating on ascension, actually."
"We think Dr. Beckett is stuck," Zelenka adds, and he's looking directly at Lorne while McKay's pacing around the table where the shoebox device is.
"Stuck, okay." Lorne feels like an idiot, but he really can't figure out what they mean. "Stuck where?"
McKay rolls his eyes. "Between death and ascension!" he shouts like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "His body gave up, but his mind, his energy signature, that part of him that would have ascended if he'd had time for that, it got stuck a few levels too low to get there. That's why he's a ghost. But he doesn't have a limitless supply of energy and he can't recharge it the way we can with sleep, so at some point, he's just going to vanish."
"The deadline?" Lorne puts all the pieces into place, and now it makes sense; except for the part where Carson appeared to him, but that's not something he can ask McKay about. He's going to have to ask Carson. One day. If he can.
"Yes!" McKay sounds relieved. "It's a miracle he's been able to hold on this long."
Sheppard finally shows up, Dr. Weir following right behind him. Lorne had expected a crowd for this, but apparently, that's it.
Them, and Carson, who is now standing next to the device. "What's it gonna do?" Lorne asks, pointing at the box.
"Well, it's all conjecture at this point, because we couldn't find much about that in the database..." and McKay is off.
Lorne tunes him out when Carson motions for him to come closer. He's gesturing at the device and it takes Lorne a moment to understand that Carson wants him to take the top off. When he does that, McKay suddenly shuts up behind him, Sheppard asks, "What are you doing, Major?" and Carson points inside at a dark crystal which Lorne presses until it sticks to the bottom. The whole thing lights up in bright blues and greys and purples, blinding him.
He blinks until it clears, and he sees a panel come out, about half an inch thick and ten inches in length, and stretching up to Lorne's nose. Carson gestures again with his right hand, laying it palm flat against the panel at about shoulder height. Lorne frowns and lifts his own right hand. He's about to touch the panel too, when he notices Carson shaking his head and waving his left hand while pointing at him. "Oh, okay," Lorne mutters, "this hand?" Carson nods.
Lorne mimics Carson, and presses his palm against what he expects to be metal, but ends up feeling kind of squishy. He pushes into the strange material until his whole hand is buried in it. For a moment, nothing happens.
Then Lorne can feel another hand, pushing back against his own: palm, thumb, and fingers, suddenly warm and here. He feels, more than sees, the warm, bright light that surrounds him in a flash. He hears the others shouting at a distance. He can't breathe.
There's a sudden rush of something, some kind of energy, and Lorne falls down hard on the floor, breathing heavily. The last thing he sees is a pair of bright blue eyes--here, here, right here--staring at him under the table.
*
They don't keep him in the infirmary for very long. Lorne wakes up before they're even there, stretched on the gurney, and he hears Keller shouting something he can't make out somewhere down the corridor. He's completely drained of energy and even after they get him settled on an empty bed, he can't sit up for half an hour until the adrenaline kicks in. He can't sleep either.
There are voices in the other room, but no one will tell him anything. From what Lorne understands, the nurse bringing him water and making sure his vitals are normal isn't in the know either, so it's pointless to ask, and he doesn't. He's been there for close to an hour when Keller comes back with two sleeping pills--Lorne shoves them in his pocket and forgets about them--and an order to shower and "get some rest, Major."
She looks kind of shocked and bewildered, but she won't answer his questions. "McKay's waiting outside, ask him. I don't know what to tell you."
When he walks out of the infirmary, a little wobbly, Lorne finds not only McKay, but Sheppard too, both slumped down on the waiting chairs next to the doorway. "Hey," he says. "What's going on?"
Sheppard looks up at him, but McKay's the one who answers with a somewhat maniacal laugh, and a wave: "Carson's in there."
"Oh." The words reconstruction device, ancient experiment, stuck, deadline, and reconstruction flash through Lorne's mind. Bright blue eyes and "oh," now it finally, finally makes sense. "Wow." He slumps down on the chair next to Sheppard, and rubs his eyes.
"Yeah," the Colonel says, sounding about as amazed and shocked as Lorne feels and Keller looked. McKay hasn't stopped laughing.
"I thought," he says in between two breaths, "I thought it would help him move on, you know, finish ascending. I didn't expect--" McKay waves and his laugh gets louder.
It sounds strangely like triumph.
*
"You stink, Major," Sheppard says, about fifteen minutes later. "Come on, I'll make sure you get back to your quarters."
"But--" Lorne wants to argue, and then he notices Keller in the doorway glaring at him. Sheppard's standing up and shoving him forward out of his seat. "Okay."
They walk in silence, and when Lorne waves his hand over the controls to the door of his room, Sheppard doesn't leave. He walks in and the door shuts behind both of them. "I have no idea what to think right now," Sheppard says, truthful and bewildered.
Lorne snickers and sits on the edge of his bed with a thump. "I have no clue either." Carson's back, but Lorne still can't believe it, not really. He thinks he might not even believe it when he actually sees the guy.
It's been almost three months now since Carson died. Lorne remembers the casket, the funeral, Carson's family with tears in their eyes during the service and after. He thinks about standing stiffly in the back of the packed church and listening to the priest rattle on and on about the afterlife. He thinks about going back to tell everyone that it was all a big mistake and Carson's actually alive, and--just thinking about the look on Mrs. Beckett's face when she took his hand and told him "I'm glad he had friends before he died," Lorne feels his chest tighten.
What the hell is he supposed to say to her now?
*
Sheppard leaves when Lorne heads for the shower. When he's clean and dressed in civvies--worn out jeans and a plain blue t-shirt--he lies down on the bed to think. He didn't really think about what he was doing when Carson was just a ghost, but now it hits him hard. What the hell is Carson going to say or do about it? Is it something they're never going to talk about, or is that conversation just waiting to happen, like Damocles' sword waiting to fall?
Lorne doesn't even know what he really wants at this point. He thinks of Carson's shaking hand and how he just wanted to touch so much it actually, physically hurt, and Lorne thinks maybe that's what he wants. Then he thinks of his career, and he wonders if it's worth it.
It's never been worth it until now.
*
He's woken up suddenly by his door chiming. He thinks "open" at it and rolls onto his back, blinking into the hallway light. "Carson?" Lorne asks groggily at the figure in the doorway.
It's dark out now. Lorne has no idea how long he's been sleeping, but it's definitely been a while. He doesn't remember falling asleep at all. "Come in," he says when Carson doesn't answer and doesn't move. "Please."
That seems to work, because Carson walks in and lets the door close behind him with a swoosh. "Hello, Major."
"Hey, Doc, what brings you here?"
"I've had too many tests for one day," Carson says. "Dr. Keller was kind enough to let me go with orders to come back in the morning, but my quarters have been cleared out, so..." He shrugs.
Lorne nods and says uncertainly, "You can crash on my couch."
"I was thinking more of sharing your bed," Carson replies, and he sounds like he's hoping he hasn't misread Lorne for two months.
Lorne knows exactly how that feels, even if he can't imagine the rest of it--coming back to life after three months in between and how damn confusing that must be. "I'm not dreaming, am I?" Lorne can't help but ask.
Carson laughs, and sits down on the edge of the bed in exactly the same spot Lorne slumped down earlier. "No, not this time."
"Good." Lorne reaches out and grabs Carson's hand. He pulls him down until Carson's lying next to him. He slips a hand around Carson's back, under his shirt--warm skin, so warm and alive--and asks, "How are you feeling?"
Carson looks at him for a moment, and Lorne's chest tighten under his gaze. "I'm not quite sure yet," Carson answers. He cups Lorne's cheek, his hand almost too warm and here on his skin and leans over to kiss him.
There's nothing muted about the touch or the kiss. Not a dream, Lorne thinks. Definitely not a dream.
It's soft at first, a hesitant press of lips on lips, as if asking a question. Lorne responds by sliding his hand to Carson's hip and pulling him closer, as close as he can be. The feel of Carson's body, fitted against his like this, foot to hip to shoulder, is intoxicating. The kiss turns desperate, teeth clashing and biting, and tongues exploring as far as they can.
Lorne breathes; he feels and hears and, finally, believes.
*
Half an hour later, naked, sweaty and panting--and here, right here--Carson lays his head on Lorne's shoulder and murmurs, a little awed and a lot satisfied: "I'm feeling pretty alive right now."
Lorne laughs and kisses him. "Alive's good."
"Alive's the best damn thing, actually."
There'll be time to figure out what to say to Carson's family, what to do with Lorne's career and this relationship--to ask questions he doesn't really need the answers to, not anymore, but wants to ask anyway--but right now Lorne thinks it's all going to be worth it.
Author: soft_princess
Website: Fly With Me
Date: December 13, 2007
Word count: 8,000
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: Carson Beckett/Evan Lorne
Rating: FRM
Disclaimer: They are all owned by people who are not me, the characters and setting, I mean. The story idea though, that's all mine.
Spoilers/setting: set after "Sunday", no spoilers for later episodes of s3, or s4 at all.
Summary: The first time Lorne sees Dr. Beckett after his death, it's the middle of the night, and Lorne thinks he's dreaming.
Note: I, uh. I may be just a little bit nervous here. New fandom, and all that. So, uh. Hi.
Thanks to lostgirlslair and mireille719 for the all the encouragement, the readthroughs, and the magnificent beta you both did. This fic would not be what it is without the two of you.
"Immortality is the condition of a dead man who doesn't believe he is dead." -- H. L. Mencken
Source: the quotations page
The first time Lorne sees Dr. Beckett, after his death, it's the middle of the night, and Lorne thinks he's dreaming.
He hasn't been able to sleep, so he's taken out his easel and canvas and set to work, painting the window and the outside view. It's rough and not his best work, but it's soothing, and that's what he needs. He's been painting for about an hour, and now Beckett's leaning against the wall next to the window, and Lorne is so focused he almost doesn't see him. When he does, he really thinks he's dreaming.
Dr. Beckett doesn't say a word; he just stares at him. Lorne pulls back, staring first at Beckett and then at the painting, and realizes that, somehow, unconsciously, he's painted the doctor into the picture. When Beckett notices, he smiles.
The next morning, the painting is still on the easel where Lorne left it, and Beckett's a bright light painted in the corner of the canvas. He's nothing like what Lorne remembers seeing, and yet--he painted this. It wasn't a dream.
That is, unless he can paint in his sleep, but he doubts it. He hasn't sleepwalked in years.
Lorne shrugs, hangs the painting to dry on the wall where Dr. Beckett had been leaning, and goes to the mess hall for breakfast, smiling for the first time in a week.
It's not that he's happy or anything, after all, Beckett's still dead as far as he knows. There's just something about seeing the doctor, and painting him into the picture, that makes Lorne want to smile.
*
The second time, Lorne's woken up by something, although he can't remember any sound at all. It's about 0300; the night's unusually dark, but when Lorne sits up, there's a light in the corner, next to the window. Beckett is there, leaning against the wall in exactly the same way he had two nights before, and he's watching Lorne.
"Why are you here?" Lorne winces at how loud he sounds in the otherwise silent room.
There isn't an answer. Dr. Beckett shakes his head and gives Lorne a semblance of a smile. The next moment, he's gone.
*
The third time happens on P4T 539.
Lorne and his team are lost in what looks like a cheap knock-off of the Amazon jungle. They've been wandering for hours, everyone's getting tired, the comms won't work, and Lorne's barking orders, trying to keep everyone awake and walking. He's seen some things lurking in the shadows that he's pretty sure would love to pounce and devour them on the spot. He can't chance stopping even just long enough to rest.
He's hauling an exhausted Dr. Parrish up from where he's fallen on the ground when the now familiar light appears in the corner of his vision. Startled, he turns to look at it. Beckett's pointing in the opposite direction, at a path between two broken trees that Lorne had missed. Lorne doesn't waste another second. He gives Beckett a nod, and yells, "This way!" to the others, breathing a sigh of relief when they follow him without a word. Even Parrish seems to find a hidden stash of energy and follows briskly behind Lorne.
It's only when they're finally within sight of the Stargate--and holy fuck, does that feel like the greatest moment of the day--that the light fades. Carson's seen them safely home, Lorne thinks, and he's grateful. He'd been giving up hope back there.
"That's--how did you find the way back?" Dr. Parrish asks, looking at the 'gate as if mesmerized by the sight. Not that Lorne can blame him; he's just as glad to see the thing.
He answers Parrish the same way he answers Colonel Sheppard ten minutes later in the 'gate room: "A hunch."
Thankfully, they don't question it; which is wise, because the point is not how they managed to get back, but how they got lost in the first place, and why none of the comms and other tech work over there, except around the 'gate. The debriefing takes almost all of the next day and by the time they're done, no one's less confused than they were going in. McKay thinks it's something like a natural electromagnetic field, but he can't be sure, and Elizabeth won't authorize another mission there. It's uninhabited for a reason, and even if they can't figure out what that reason is, P4T 539 is knocked off the list of potential alpha sites.
*
When Lorne finally manages to fall asleep that night, he dreams of P4T 539; of the forest, the sounds, the colours, the shadows, and the empty trails. He looks up and finds Carson there, smiling at him. Lorne doesn't even think about whatever's lurking in the shadows and the bushes, barely even wonders how far he is from the 'gate. He says "hey there."
Carson's hand ghosts over Lorne's cheek without a word. When Lorne tries to grab his forearm, he finds nothing but air.
*
The fourth time--because dreams don't count--Lorne starts thinking that he really should be telling someone about this. He's pretty sure, though, that he's the only one in the room who can see Carson, and he's not willing to have nine people doubt his sanity just yet.
They're in a meeting. Five of the scientists are trying to impress them by exposing the superior quality of the power sources (although nowhere near as effective as ZPMs, McKay makes sure to point out several times) the Pollarins on R2P 721 are jealously keeping the secret of--although they apparently don't mind trading the things, just not how they're made. Lorne's not sure what the hell he's doing here; it's not like he understands most of what McKay's saying, but Colonel Sheppard requested he attend, so here Lorne is.
Fifteen minutes into McKay's speech, Lorne thinks about asking McKay why he can't just build the damn things--if he knows how it works, and the equation on the board suggests that someone here does, it should be fairly easy to reproduce, right? At least, Lorne would think so--but then he thinks better of it. He hasn't really been listening, and if McKay's already answered that question, asking would result in a verbal smack down Lorne would like to avoid at all costs.
Elizabeth and Teyla, on the other end, look suitably impressed, and Lorne can hear Sheppard start planning the mission. Carson, though, he's shaking his head like this is the worst idea ever. Lorne agrees with him; he thought it was a bad idea the moment McKay came up with it, but he can't say why. Except Carson looks like he has the answer, so Lorne interrupts the Colonel. "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?" Sheppard's obviously shocked; it's not often that Lorne second guesses his CO, and it shows on the Colonel's face. "Sounds like a good plan to me."
"Oh, the plan's fine, sir," Lorne replies quickly. Carson's pointing at the board in the corner where McKay wrote down the equation that explained how the power sources work, an equation which only he and Zelenka seemed to understand. And maybe Sheppard, but Lorne won't tell him that he knows, because Sheppard likes everyone to think he isn't as smart as he is, and Lorne respects that. It's not like a lot of people know he paints either.
He stands and goes to the board, pointing to the exact part of the equation Carson's pointing at.
"Oh, my God."
Before Lorne has time to say anything, McKay's leaping to his feet and pushing Lorne out of the way. Lorne barely manages not to land on his ass.
"You're right!" McKay says. "If we connect these things to the naqahdah generators, the whole city's gonna blow up! How the hell did I miss this?"
Lorne shrugs and gives Carson a smile. Just like that, the scientists are back to arguing, Weir calls off the mission, and Sheppard's looking at him suspiciously.
"How did you know? I thought you majored in geology," Sheppard asks.
Like a deer caught in headlights, Lorne freezes. Maybe this is his cue to explain, to tell the Colonel about Carson, but instead he gives him another shrug. "Just a hunch, sir."
*
When Carson appears next, Lorne's in the shower. He has one hand on the tiles, holding himself up, and the other is between his legs, sliding up and down on his hard cock. He tilts his head to the side, and sees Carson there, light like a halo surrounding him, and he's watching. Again.
Lorne is more than aware that the normal thing to do right now would be to stop. He can--and should--take his hand off his cock, and grab the towel on the handlebar to cover himself up.
He doesn't. There's something in Carson's eyes, something that reminds Lorne of the few times he ended up in the infirmary, and Carson touched his arm and gave him a smile. It reminds Lorne of the fluttering in his stomach that he always, always, refuses to acknowledge when he's on duty and not safe at home with his dog and no CO hanging over his shoulder.
But he can't look away, and Carson's gaze doesn't waver.
Their eyes lock, and Lorne speeds up his strokes. He's so close already, and Carson's there and watching him, and Lorne is coming, hard and fast like he hasn't come in a long time.
When he opens his eyes again, forehead against the tiles and panting, Carson has a mischievous smile on his lips, and Lorne finds himself answering him with a grin of his own.
His dream, that night, is a lot steamier than the last one.
*
After that, Lorne loses count. Carson saves his ass three more times off-world, manages to keep the whole city from blowing up, again, at least twice, and appears to Lorne in his quarters at least once every two days, sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes in the morning. Colonel Sheppard looks more and more suspicious every time Lorne manages to save their asses with a hunch, and Lorne's expecting to have a talk with his CO about it pretty soon. Just not right now.
Lorne isn't sure why Carson's chosen him--he has an idea, but he doesn't really want to know--or even if he has. The fantasy's sometimes better than the truth. He's scared Carson didn't have a choice.
*
It's a Tuesday when Carson watches Lorne jerk off for the second time. He appears when Lorne is getting ready for bed, and Lorne just lies down like he intended to and slips a hand in his boxers. He keeps his eyes trained on the shadowy figure in the corner. The way Carson's eyes light up is new, and Lorne feels bold enough to push the boxers down.
He's been thinking about Carson at odd moments lately; in the middle of a meeting, in the mess hall during meals, while he's jogging or training or painting. He thinks about Carson's strong cheekbones, his eyes, his shoulders, and the curve of his ass; he wants to remember what Carson sounds like when he laughs, but Lorne isn't even sure he ever heard him laugh.
Lorne knows when he's infatuated, and he's got it bad. Really bad. For a ghost. But that doesn't stop him from doing what he's doing right now. If anything, it elates him.
Long, sure strokes, never taking his eyes away from Carson's ghost; when Lorne comes, it's with Carson's name on his lips.
He looks up, still shuddering, and Carson's left his usual spot on the wall by now. He's hovering close to the bed, his face drawn tight and hand outstretched like he wants to touch so badly he's shaking. Lorne never thought ghosts could shake. He reaches out, wanting to take Carson's hand, pull him close, but just like in his dreams, there's nothing there. Carson shakes his head sadly and disappears.
Lorne's surprised by how much that hurts.
*
Colonel Sheppard corners him in the mess after MX3 505, nearly a week later. "That's the seventh time you've saved yourself, your team, or this city on a hunch in the past month and a half."
Lorne smirks, ignoring the tug in his chest that's telling him this is the conversation he's been dreading. "You're keeping count?" he asks. He sits down with his tray at one of the empty tables near the window. "Jealous, sir?"
"Smartass." Sheppard smacks him over the head before sitting down opposite him. "Seriously, Major, what gives?"
Lorne figures he has two choices. He can play it cool in the hope of convincing his CO that's he hasn't gone off the deep end. Yet. Or he can come clean. There's a 50-50 chance the Colonel will believe him--they've seen some pretty tough shit out here, and this wouldn't even register on the radar. Lorne sighs. Might as well. "I've been seeing a ghost, sir."
"A ghost?" The look Sheppard gives him is quizzical--at least, it doesn't look like he's about to laugh or send him straight to Heightmeyer--so Lorne answers him truthfully.
"Yes, sir, a ghost."
Sheppard's quiet for a minute, possibly processing that information. He munches thoughtfully on his sandwich, and then asks, "So, who is it?"
"Dr. Beckett," Lorne says, in between bites of should-be-meat pie. Then he continues, anticipating Sheppard's next questions, "Since a week after... you know, we got back."
Sheppard blinks and quirks an eyebrow at him.
Lorne thinks that maybe this isn't going so well after all. "I'm not making this up," he says. "The first couple times, it was in my room, middle of the night. Then on P4T 539; he got us back to the gate."
Another few seconds of silence, and then: "How do you know it's him?"
It's Lorne's time to stare. "Come on, sir, I'm not thick. I know what Beckett looks like. I know I didn't spend as much time in the infirmary as you did, but..."
Sheppard gives him a look that clearly means "smartass" again, and then he looks down at his food. "I just don't see how he can be a ghost," he says. "He's been dead for a couple months, now. We buried him."
"I know," Lorne retorts. "I was there."
"Sure he's not ascended?"
Lorne shakes his head. He doesn't know how or why, but he's pretty damn sure Carson's a ghost, not an ascended being. "I can't be sure of that, but if he was ascended, wouldn't he be able to appear to more than just one person? And talk to them? Also, you just said it, we buried his body. He didn't, you know, disappear in a cloud of light or anything."
"He could be a replicator--"
"Now you're just reaching," Lorne interrupts him. "He's a ghost; a non-corporeal form of being or whatever the definition of "ghost" is."
"Or!" Sheppard points at Lorne with his sandwich. "Or you're hallucinating and you need to get your brain checked out." But he's smiling.
Lorne stares at him some more. "I'm sure if there was anything wrong with my brain, Dr. Keller would have noticed by now."
"Well, okay then." The Colonel's still smiling and he bites into his sandwich. It's not much, but Lorne thinks maybe this means Sheppard believes him. "So I guess the good doctor found another way to keep saving our lives. Handy."
"You could say that, sir." Lorne grins.
And he's there, right now, standing a few feet behind the Colonel's chair. Lorne smiles at him, and focuses back on Sheppard. "He's behind you, sir."
Sheppard turns around and frowns. "You're right, can't see anything."
"That's what I thought." Lorne watches Carson disappear, and goes back to the food on his plate.
"I still think you should ask Dr. Keller to do some scans or something."
Lorne doesn't dignify that with an answer.
*
When McKay shows up at Lorne's quarters two hours later, Lorne isn't surprised. Sure, Sheppard said he wasn't going to tell anyone for the time being, but Lorne didn't expect him not to tell McKay. After all, he and Carson were friends.
"Is he here now?" McKay asks, pushing past Lorne the moment the door opens.
"Hello to you too, Rodney," Lorne quips. "Nice of you to drop by."
"Yes, yes," McKay waves his arms around, frantically walking around to look into every corner of the room. "Hello, Major, how have you been? Is he here?"
Lorne rolls his eyes and leans against the wall next to the door, arms drawn to his chest. "McKay--" he warns, but he's interrupted when Carson's light appears. "Yeah, now he is. Calm down, will you?"
"Where? Where is he?" McKay obviously didn't hear the "calm down" part because he's whirling around on his feet, not quite hysterical. Yet.
"Next to the window, and you won't be able to see him, so I suggest you just calm the hell down before I throw you out; you're making me tired just looking at you."
"You need a personality check, Major, you sound like Sheppard," McKay snaps, though, this time, he seems to have calmed down a bit. He's almost not shaking when he walks to the window and touches the wall. "Here?"
Carson's looking at McKay indulgently, and Lorne sighs. Patience is a virtue and all that. "Yeah, he's standing right next to you."
"This is pathetically unfair," Rodney mutters.
"Totally agreeing with you there," Lorne snorts. "Wouldn't mind not being the only one to see him, it'd make me doubt my sanity a lot less."
McKay takes something out of his pocket swiftly and pokes at it. "I don't doubt your sanity for an instant, Major. Look at this." He turns to Lorne and holds the device for him to take. The look on McKay's face is exactly the one he always gets when he finds a new ancient toy to play with.
Lorne walks the few feet separating them and takes it. It looks like a miniature life sign detector, with a screen the size Lorne's palm. "What is it?"
"It shows slight variation in energy readings, those too small to show up on our energy scanners; the kind of disturbances something like, say, a ghost, would be projecting."
"Well, damn." There were three spots on the screen, two of them bright and yellow, the other a muted shade of blue. "So I'm not going nuts."
"Let's hope not, Major, otherwise you've managed to save all our lives seven times while clinically insane, and that would be the kind of disturbing I don't want to think about," McKay says. Then he picks up the device from Lorne's hands and stuffs it in his pocket. "As for you," he says, turning to the wall, "do you have any idea what you've put me through?"
Lorne shuffles back, an amused smile on his lips, and watches McKay yell at the wall.
*
McKay runs out of steam about thirty minutes later. Lorne hasn't been listening to him for the last fifteen. He's leaning against the headboard and looking up at the ceiling when the words stop. Looking back at McKay, he finds him with one hand on the wall, the other rubbing his eyes tiredly. "You okay?"
"Wha--oh, yes." McKay straightens up and clears his throat. "I, uh, sorry, I--" He waves at the wall.
"Yeah, don't worry about it." When Lorne looks up to find Carson, he's moving further into the room, looking determined. "Hold on," he says to McKay when he sees Carson point to his laptop. "I think he's trying to tell us something."
"What?" McKay asks. He takes the device out of his pocket again, and goes to stand exactly next to Carson's ghost. "What does he want?"
Lorne slides into his desk chair and powers up the computer. "I don't know, but let's find out."
Carson points at the screen, leading Lorne through the database. Click here, scroll there, keep scrolling, don't stop scrolling, stop now, click here. It turns out that "what" is a planet address that they haven't gotten around to exploring yet. Lorne isn't sure what to do with that information--there's a whole lot of nothing in there about that particular planet and it's not like Carson can tell them what he wants them to find either--but McKay mutters something about talking to Weir before he shuffles out of the room.
In Lorne's mind, talking to Dr. Weir equals telling her that Lorne's seeing a ghost, pretty basic math right there, and he's not willing to face her or Heightmeyer yet. While the Colonel might have held off telling the base psychiatrist about it, Weir will think it's her duty to report it. Lorne decides it's much safer to hole himself up in his room for the reminder of the evening than go out there and risk running into the well-meaning Heightmeyer.
About an hour later, in the middle of a game of solitaire, Lorne receives confirmation that Sheppard's team's going on a reconnaissance mission to PT8 557 at 0900 the next morning, and he's invited. "Good going, McKay," he thinks, and smiles. There aren't many people who'd be willing to try to make the scientist change his mind, and Lorne's glad it's working in his favour, this time.
He shuffles up to bed sometime in the next hour and stares at the wall for a while, hoping Carson will appear again. The ghost disappeared about a minute after McKay did, and Lorne's feeling almost lonely.
*
He's back on P4T 539, in the forest where he and his team got lost almost two months back, except his team's nowhere to be found and Lorne's wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans instead of his usual off-world attire. He's not even holding a P90. This, in itself, isn't surprising; he's dreamt this more than once in the past couple of months. But this time, everything feels real, almost as real as if he was actually there.
"Major."
Lorne turns around and blinks. Carson's never talked before. Lorne hasn't heard this voice in months. "I'm dreaming, right?"
Carson smiles indulgently. "Aye, you are."
Lorne sits down against a tree, and sighs. "Pretty vivid dream," he muses. The grass feels real under his palms, and he's pretty sure Carson's corporeal; if he could only gather up the courage to touch, he could make sure of that...
"I'm helping it a tiny bit," Carson answers as he sits next to him. He's holding his thumb and forefinger close together and smiling. Then the corners of his mouth turn down and his hand falls into his lap. "I won't be able to appear again for a few days; it's taking me a lot of energy to be here."
"Then why--" But Carson's shaking his head, so Lorne stops. He reaches out and presses his fingers to Carson's forearm. Definitely here. "What about PT8 557?" Lorne asks, trying to get his bearings and not make a fool of himself just yet. "The mission's tomorrow, we might need you there."
Carson shakes his head and twists his hand around until his fingers are resting against Lorne's palm; the touch is like a spark, electricity flickering and coursing through Lorne's veins. "You'll find what you're looking for easily enough, son," Carson says, "you won't need me."
Lorne's never figured himself for an emotional sort of guy, but he has to admit he's getting pretty worked up over this touching thing, and the sound of Carson's voice is almost overwhelming now that they're so close. He hasn't spent that much time in the infirmary--Sheppard's team wins that particular award, hands down--but the accented words, the roll of the tongue, it's so very Carson, and Lorne has to remember to breathe and think. "What--what are we looking for?"
"Ah," Carson says softly. He reaches up and cups Lorne's cheek. The touch is muted, somehow, like that blue light on McKay's mini-sensor thing, and Lorne's reminded that this is just a dream. Carson continues: "You'll know when you find it."
*
When Lorne wakes up, it's already light out. He stares for a moment at the canvas on his wall, trying to make sense of what just happened. Either it was just another of his wishful dreams or Carson really appeared to him, talked to him. Touched him.
Lorne goes for a run, grabs breakfast on the way back, and eats it while he's undressing to grab a shower. He meets the Colonel's team in the 'gate room at 0900 sharp, and they're stepping through the wormhole a moment later.
What they find is a small Ancient outpost, bunker really, just the size of one of Atlantis' personnel quarters, about half a mile straight down the hill from the Stargate. Inside, sitting right on top of a white stone table--and McKay's swearing up and down that this is really, without a doubt and with one hundred percent certainty, what Carson sent them there for--is a device about the size of a shoebox. It looks like one too; a grey, metallic, crystal-covered, shoebox. There are bunk beds, stripped bare, on each side of the bunker, just a couple of feet from the table, and some kind of altar thing in the back, also empty, but even McKay pushes his curiosity aside for now. They'll come back and explore later.
The mission is so routine, so uneventful, that they're back in the 'gate room, debriefed, and on their way by lunch time. McKay and Zelenka disappear with the device in the direction of the labs, and Lorne's turning to follow them when a hand on his arm stops him.
"There'll be plenty of time to go pester them later, Major. Right now, it's time for food."
Sheppard has a point, and with one last longing look at the scientists' retreating backs, Lorne follows his CO and the rest of his team toward the mess hall.
*
An hour, a full meal, and half a game of chess later, even the Colonel can't take it anymore, and they're both on their way to the lab before either of them has time to utter "let's go."
"No, I still haven't figured out what it does," McKay says by way of greeting. "Major, it'd help if you could ask Carson what in the hell this thing's supposed to be." He's looking at Lorne expectantly, like he thinks the answer is going to come just like that.
Except it won't. "He's not here, McKay."
"What do you mean he's not here?" McKay shouts. "Of course he is. He has to be. It's his damn device!"
Lorne flinches and takes one step back when McKay shoves himself in his face. "Look, I'm not lying to you, okay? He's not here."
McKay stares at him for a moment and then grunts. He turns away to rummage on his desk, and when he looks up, Lorne sees the mini energy sensor in his hand. "Huh," McKay sighs.
Lorne holds up his hands when McKay turns to face him. "Not lying."
"I can see that, but why isn't he here?"
To tell or not to tell, that is the question. He risks a glance at John, and figures what the hell, as long as he steers away from the tiny detail of Carson's hand in his--and what happened after--he's not actually telling anything that could screw his career. "He appeared to me in a dream last night, doc. He said it took a lot of energy for him to do that and he'd be out for the count for a couple days, three days tops."
"Then why do it in the first place?"
"That, you'll have to ask him." Lorne shrugs as non-committally as he can manage. Carson never told him why he came, but he didn't need to; it was in every movement, in every look, in every touch; Carson had needed it, to feel alive as much as he could, even if it was just the once.
"Oh, come on, as if you didn't ask," McKay scoffs. "Carson's anything but an idiot, except when he's that, but he sent us to get this device, he should have known we'd need his help to figure it out, so why would he waste his very limited supply of energy on appearing to you in a damn dream?"
"McKay," Sheppard's tone is a warning, but Lorne's the one who shivers and tries not to panic. McKay only looks annoyed at it, and Sheppard adds: "Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to."
Lorne's dumbstruck. He watches the look of understanding on McKay's face and hears the small "oh" of recognition that comes out of his mouth, but it's in slow motion, and what Lorne can feel and hear the most is the quiet sound of the world falling apart around him.
With one last look at the device, sitting innocuously on McKay's desk surrounded by note pads filled with schematics and equations that jumble up together in his eyes and make no sense, Lorne turns on his heels and shoulders past Sheppard on his way out, head down.
*
He makes it down to the North Pier in less than five minutes. He barely passes anyone in the corridors, which is weird given the time of day, but he's grateful for that; he doesn't think he could make small talk if his life depended on it right now. He stands at the very edge of the pier and stares at the infinite expanse of water. Lorne wishes he had rocks to throw, like when he went to the lake every summer, and his brothers and he would compete for who could throw the farthest; their sister always won.
Right here, right now, he misses all three of them something fierce.
He's been there for a little while when he hears the footsteps coming closer and his back goes rigid.
"Major, at ease."
Lorne tries to relax his shoulders, but fails. Instead, he focuses on breathing; if he's about to be told--
"Pot, kettle, seriously, at ease, Lorne, I'm not about to report you," Sheppard says. "Really hadn't thought about Carson though."
Lorne snorts and gives Sheppard a sideways look. "You think I had?"
The Colonel holds up his hands. "I'm not asking."
"Sure you're not." Lorne thinks about the "pot, kettle" comment and wonders if that's a careful admission of something, or an invitation to ask. He's always thought there was something going on between McKay and the Colonel--hell, half the base thinks the bickering's really just foreplay--but he's not going to ask; he has some sense of self-preservation left.
"Look, I'm not--" Sheppard hesitates.
There are a lot of things Lorne's learned since he was assigned to this expedition, and one of them--probably the most important after "if you see a Wraith, run!"--is that Sheppard hates all situations that might require him to open up about personal issues. So Lorne says: "It's fine, Colonel, no need to get all personal on me here." As long as Lorne's not being discharged or court-martialed, he's going to be fine. It's just a shame, he thinks, that the one guy who might possibly understand the turmoil he's going through--Lorne's still not over the whole "falling for a ghost" part--is both his CO, and emotionally repressed.
"I was going to say," Sheppard's saying, "that things out here are different. So long as Caldwell's not snooping around, a slip of the tongue's not going to get you a one way ticket on the Daedalus."
The Colonel's not looking at him at all, and Lorne isn't sure if that's a good thing, or if it only adds to the unreality of the whole conversation. Probably a little of both, and more of the second. "Thanks," he says, simply, then adds, "sir." He's not sure what else he can say to that anyway.
"And knock off the sir," Sheppard says with a short laugh. "It's-- McKay says it's giving me a superiority complex."
Lorne smirks. "Not sure I can do that--sir."
Sheppard snickers and shakes his head. "Whatever. Rodney asked me to tell you that when Carson comes back, you need to drag him to the lab ASAP."
"Sure," Lorne says. He's just as curious about the device as the rest of them, so he's really not going to argue with McKay about that. "Might be a few days."
"Must have been some dream."
Lorne curses himself when he feels his face flush warmly. "You could say that." The look Sheppard gives him is knowing, and maybe a little mischievous. This might not be a disaster after all.
*
Lorne's due for an off-world mission the next day. His team's ready by the time he gets to the 'gate room, for once. Parrish's made a habit of being late, and Sergeant Bosworth spends most mission-mornings hauling the botanist's ass out of bed at the last minute. But this is a scouting mission to a planet the database describes as "lush with exotic vegetation," so Parrish is bright-eyed and ready by the time the rest of them get there.
Despite McKay's insistence that Lorne stays put, Dr. Weir agreed that they can't just wait around for Carson's ghost to show up. And besides, Lorne figures (and tells them so) that Carson'll appear to him off-world if he needs to. He's done it before.
The planet is another forested one, woods as far as the eye can see, and most of it's a bright, blinding purple. Lorne lowers the puddlejumper down in a clearing near the 'gate, and wishes he'd brought his sunglasses.
Parrish only stops working when the sun goes down. Bosworth and Friedrich get a fire burning while Lorne helps Parrish tidy up his plant samples, and they all sit down to eat. They've been going off world together for almost two years, all four of them, and whatever awkwardness they might have had before is long gone by now. It takes very little probing from Friedrich to get Lorne talking.
Bosworth and Friedrich aren't American and whatever regulations their military has, it's nothing like DADT. They tease him about the ghost, but at the end of the day, Lorne knows they've got his back.
More than anything, though, Lorne's glad his team understands the basic "what happens on Planet X, stays on Planet X" rule.
It's three days before Parrish agrees that it might be time to go home, and the only reason he does so is because Lorne mentions, as casually as possible, that Carson's back, and McKay will kill all four of them, including Parrish, if they don't go back now.
Carson's standing next to the biggest purple tree in the camp area when Lorne first notices him, and he has an air about him that says "no rush, take your time." Lorne lets Parrish finish gathering the samples he's taking back to Atlantis, before he tells him it's time to go. It's only when Parrish starts arguing that Lorne mentions Carson, McKay, and the killing part. They're on their way within the next five minutes.
*
The welcome back isn't quite what Lorne expected.
Before he can do more than look at Dr. Weir to say hi, McKay's hauling his ass away from the 'gate room and into a transporter. Dr. Zelenka's already in the lab when they get there, and Lorne's pretty sure Sheppard's going to show up any minute now.
Lorne hasn't showered in three days--they vetoed the lake nearby the camp within an hour of getting there on account of the fish with really big teeth that live in it--and he knows he smells like rotten something, but that doesn't seem to stop McKay at all. "You know," Lorne quips, "you could have let me clean up. Fifteen minutes wouldn't have killed you."
"Ha ha, very funny, Major," McKay replies with that air of annoyance that's so familiar to anyone on the base by now. "I'm not the one on a deadline here."
"Deadline?" Lorne frowns. Okay, that can't be good.
Zelenka nods grimly. "We did research on the device. It is--"
"Some kind of reconstruction device," McKay interrupts him impatiently. "It's another one of the Ancients' ascension experiments. They studied the various stages of death before they started fixating on ascension, actually."
"We think Dr. Beckett is stuck," Zelenka adds, and he's looking directly at Lorne while McKay's pacing around the table where the shoebox device is.
"Stuck, okay." Lorne feels like an idiot, but he really can't figure out what they mean. "Stuck where?"
McKay rolls his eyes. "Between death and ascension!" he shouts like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "His body gave up, but his mind, his energy signature, that part of him that would have ascended if he'd had time for that, it got stuck a few levels too low to get there. That's why he's a ghost. But he doesn't have a limitless supply of energy and he can't recharge it the way we can with sleep, so at some point, he's just going to vanish."
"The deadline?" Lorne puts all the pieces into place, and now it makes sense; except for the part where Carson appeared to him, but that's not something he can ask McKay about. He's going to have to ask Carson. One day. If he can.
"Yes!" McKay sounds relieved. "It's a miracle he's been able to hold on this long."
Sheppard finally shows up, Dr. Weir following right behind him. Lorne had expected a crowd for this, but apparently, that's it.
Them, and Carson, who is now standing next to the device. "What's it gonna do?" Lorne asks, pointing at the box.
"Well, it's all conjecture at this point, because we couldn't find much about that in the database..." and McKay is off.
Lorne tunes him out when Carson motions for him to come closer. He's gesturing at the device and it takes Lorne a moment to understand that Carson wants him to take the top off. When he does that, McKay suddenly shuts up behind him, Sheppard asks, "What are you doing, Major?" and Carson points inside at a dark crystal which Lorne presses until it sticks to the bottom. The whole thing lights up in bright blues and greys and purples, blinding him.
He blinks until it clears, and he sees a panel come out, about half an inch thick and ten inches in length, and stretching up to Lorne's nose. Carson gestures again with his right hand, laying it palm flat against the panel at about shoulder height. Lorne frowns and lifts his own right hand. He's about to touch the panel too, when he notices Carson shaking his head and waving his left hand while pointing at him. "Oh, okay," Lorne mutters, "this hand?" Carson nods.
Lorne mimics Carson, and presses his palm against what he expects to be metal, but ends up feeling kind of squishy. He pushes into the strange material until his whole hand is buried in it. For a moment, nothing happens.
Then Lorne can feel another hand, pushing back against his own: palm, thumb, and fingers, suddenly warm and here. He feels, more than sees, the warm, bright light that surrounds him in a flash. He hears the others shouting at a distance. He can't breathe.
There's a sudden rush of something, some kind of energy, and Lorne falls down hard on the floor, breathing heavily. The last thing he sees is a pair of bright blue eyes--here, here, right here--staring at him under the table.
*
They don't keep him in the infirmary for very long. Lorne wakes up before they're even there, stretched on the gurney, and he hears Keller shouting something he can't make out somewhere down the corridor. He's completely drained of energy and even after they get him settled on an empty bed, he can't sit up for half an hour until the adrenaline kicks in. He can't sleep either.
There are voices in the other room, but no one will tell him anything. From what Lorne understands, the nurse bringing him water and making sure his vitals are normal isn't in the know either, so it's pointless to ask, and he doesn't. He's been there for close to an hour when Keller comes back with two sleeping pills--Lorne shoves them in his pocket and forgets about them--and an order to shower and "get some rest, Major."
She looks kind of shocked and bewildered, but she won't answer his questions. "McKay's waiting outside, ask him. I don't know what to tell you."
When he walks out of the infirmary, a little wobbly, Lorne finds not only McKay, but Sheppard too, both slumped down on the waiting chairs next to the doorway. "Hey," he says. "What's going on?"
Sheppard looks up at him, but McKay's the one who answers with a somewhat maniacal laugh, and a wave: "Carson's in there."
"Oh." The words reconstruction device, ancient experiment, stuck, deadline, and reconstruction flash through Lorne's mind. Bright blue eyes and "oh," now it finally, finally makes sense. "Wow." He slumps down on the chair next to Sheppard, and rubs his eyes.
"Yeah," the Colonel says, sounding about as amazed and shocked as Lorne feels and Keller looked. McKay hasn't stopped laughing.
"I thought," he says in between two breaths, "I thought it would help him move on, you know, finish ascending. I didn't expect--" McKay waves and his laugh gets louder.
It sounds strangely like triumph.
*
"You stink, Major," Sheppard says, about fifteen minutes later. "Come on, I'll make sure you get back to your quarters."
"But--" Lorne wants to argue, and then he notices Keller in the doorway glaring at him. Sheppard's standing up and shoving him forward out of his seat. "Okay."
They walk in silence, and when Lorne waves his hand over the controls to the door of his room, Sheppard doesn't leave. He walks in and the door shuts behind both of them. "I have no idea what to think right now," Sheppard says, truthful and bewildered.
Lorne snickers and sits on the edge of his bed with a thump. "I have no clue either." Carson's back, but Lorne still can't believe it, not really. He thinks he might not even believe it when he actually sees the guy.
It's been almost three months now since Carson died. Lorne remembers the casket, the funeral, Carson's family with tears in their eyes during the service and after. He thinks about standing stiffly in the back of the packed church and listening to the priest rattle on and on about the afterlife. He thinks about going back to tell everyone that it was all a big mistake and Carson's actually alive, and--just thinking about the look on Mrs. Beckett's face when she took his hand and told him "I'm glad he had friends before he died," Lorne feels his chest tighten.
What the hell is he supposed to say to her now?
*
Sheppard leaves when Lorne heads for the shower. When he's clean and dressed in civvies--worn out jeans and a plain blue t-shirt--he lies down on the bed to think. He didn't really think about what he was doing when Carson was just a ghost, but now it hits him hard. What the hell is Carson going to say or do about it? Is it something they're never going to talk about, or is that conversation just waiting to happen, like Damocles' sword waiting to fall?
Lorne doesn't even know what he really wants at this point. He thinks of Carson's shaking hand and how he just wanted to touch so much it actually, physically hurt, and Lorne thinks maybe that's what he wants. Then he thinks of his career, and he wonders if it's worth it.
It's never been worth it until now.
*
He's woken up suddenly by his door chiming. He thinks "open" at it and rolls onto his back, blinking into the hallway light. "Carson?" Lorne asks groggily at the figure in the doorway.
It's dark out now. Lorne has no idea how long he's been sleeping, but it's definitely been a while. He doesn't remember falling asleep at all. "Come in," he says when Carson doesn't answer and doesn't move. "Please."
That seems to work, because Carson walks in and lets the door close behind him with a swoosh. "Hello, Major."
"Hey, Doc, what brings you here?"
"I've had too many tests for one day," Carson says. "Dr. Keller was kind enough to let me go with orders to come back in the morning, but my quarters have been cleared out, so..." He shrugs.
Lorne nods and says uncertainly, "You can crash on my couch."
"I was thinking more of sharing your bed," Carson replies, and he sounds like he's hoping he hasn't misread Lorne for two months.
Lorne knows exactly how that feels, even if he can't imagine the rest of it--coming back to life after three months in between and how damn confusing that must be. "I'm not dreaming, am I?" Lorne can't help but ask.
Carson laughs, and sits down on the edge of the bed in exactly the same spot Lorne slumped down earlier. "No, not this time."
"Good." Lorne reaches out and grabs Carson's hand. He pulls him down until Carson's lying next to him. He slips a hand around Carson's back, under his shirt--warm skin, so warm and alive--and asks, "How are you feeling?"
Carson looks at him for a moment, and Lorne's chest tighten under his gaze. "I'm not quite sure yet," Carson answers. He cups Lorne's cheek, his hand almost too warm and here on his skin and leans over to kiss him.
There's nothing muted about the touch or the kiss. Not a dream, Lorne thinks. Definitely not a dream.
It's soft at first, a hesitant press of lips on lips, as if asking a question. Lorne responds by sliding his hand to Carson's hip and pulling him closer, as close as he can be. The feel of Carson's body, fitted against his like this, foot to hip to shoulder, is intoxicating. The kiss turns desperate, teeth clashing and biting, and tongues exploring as far as they can.
Lorne breathes; he feels and hears and, finally, believes.
*
Half an hour later, naked, sweaty and panting--and here, right here--Carson lays his head on Lorne's shoulder and murmurs, a little awed and a lot satisfied: "I'm feeling pretty alive right now."
Lorne laughs and kisses him. "Alive's good."
"Alive's the best damn thing, actually."
There'll be time to figure out what to say to Carson's family, what to do with Lorne's career and this relationship--to ask questions he doesn't really need the answers to, not anymore, but wants to ask anyway--but right now Lorne thinks it's all going to be worth it.