and we all float on
*Sneeze* Okay it's official. I have SARS. I'm dying.
So blah, I don't have too much time to write this as I'm needing to go to work, but last night was another off night for Sean and me. By off I mean the subject of whatever we are came up, and everything got uncomfortable.
It started because he mentioned that this one girl from San Diego was planning to come up and meet him Friday. They've been talking as online buddies since way before I entered the picture, so in that aspect I can't be upset they're finally meeting.. but on the same note, this isn't just some friend. This girl and him have definately had conversations about how badly they wanna hump, so the idea of her ass finally suddenly wanting to come up here and meet him offline when she's the same girl who is like OMG I WANT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME isn't exactly one I'm ready to send flowers for. I know he's just meeting a friend, but if he has me, why does he need to meet this girl right now, a girl who they talk about doing it? I already squirm a bit because he's got the web on his cell now so he sits and chats it up with people and I sit there on the futon like a loser trying to pretend I'm not wondering if hes flirting with someone.
And I know he does. We had that whole arguement at Arby's.. well not arguement, ours *luckily* are moreso emotional debates. There is this girl he used to flirt with/be buddies with back in Washington, and she moved down here for school or something and then he moved down here, and he would love to be with her but says they can't due to irrconsilable (I just made up that word) differences.. ie he's a pothead, she's slightly moral.
I don't know. I'm a moron. Yes. Yes slide me the dunce cap because I know I'm just setting myself up to get hurt. He's even SAID he thinks he's going to hurt me. It's hard to explain.
Anyhow, so I got hurt feelings over the news little miss stick-it-in-my-pussy is deciding to show up, and I told him its like he's got me but is still searching for other people. And he said, "You should be looking, too."
Thanks.
Thanks for letting me know you think I should be out there finding a new crush. *point number 2 that I'm not so smart ay?*
I don't know. He bounces back and forth from thinking I'm the most awesome to hunting down a new chick. And unfortunately it is really rare for me to find a guy I can hang out with THAT much and not stab, so here I sit, letting it all happen.
God I'm a tard.
At some point in the night, after he basically said it was him and he has too many highs and lows and he likes me but can't be with anyone blah blah, I decide to take his advice. I texted Matt. Matt's the really big sweetie I wanted to be with before he shipped to Iraq and he told me he didn't want me to wait around and him not come home, so that we'd see how it went when he returned. He got back 2 days ago. He's got leave and said since I won't have plans I should go see him Friday.
Anyhow, I texted him, "I'm giving up on Sean.." and Sean goes, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to pry, but are my eyes correct?" or someething. I asked him what he read, he told me it, and I said I think so. And then he went quiet and was visibly upset for awhile.
Well, what was I supposed to do? You're sitting there telling me I'm the best but at the same time, he has like 2-3 other girls in his life he flirts with. He even told me to find someone better. I really like Sean, so I'm trying to be a trooper but there's only so much before I have to give in.
I've sat through the times when a girl he likes calls and he makes no mention of me being there. I wait pretty patiently as he texts everyone and their mom while we're watching a movie, and I tried to not let it get to me too much when he would walk outside if a girl called to chat. He says now that the other girls know about me, but he hasn't told them much. I'm not saying he needs to be like, "So I'm just hanging out with Brittney, shes this GIRL IM SLEEPING WITH," but I'm pretty sure he isn't making it out to them that we're anything more than just platonic buddies who share both too much free time and a lame interest in video games.
I dunno.
Last night when we were laying there curled up, he mumbled in my ear, "I want to be with you Brittney," and I told him to stop. Yeah that's what I want to hear, but if you WANTED to, it would be enough. So there is always a "but" and I didn't want to hear, "..but I can't be with just one girl."
It's like a big fat reminder I'm not enough.
And one thing I've learned recently thanks to friends and stuff is.. I think I am. Maybe not for him, but I think I'm pretty decent.
I'm not completely ugly, I've got the sexual appetite of a man on steroids, I've got genuine interests in good-person things like animal welfare, I'm pretty witty, I consider myself intelligent, I'm very accomadating, I'm a nice person, I'm fun to be with, and I don't need a guy to buy me things.
So I don't know. This morning I woke him up and told him maybe I'd give up next week, and he said something about so soon, and I said maybe Christmas. Blah. So he curled tight around me and said he was scared I was leaving for good today.. and then said, "I really care about you--" and I asked him to stop again.
I think what my actual explination I said was, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing.. but for what its worth, right now I'm happy, and I don't want it to end just yet."
So go ahead, kick me. I'm stupid. Sean isn't going to think I'm enough anytime soon and I'm setting myself up to get hurt.
But for now he makes me smile, and he doesn't mind that I need to jump him a lot for my needs AHAHA and that I'm happiest staying home in pajamas watching him play PGA Tour 2005.
So blah, I don't have too much time to write this as I'm needing to go to work, but last night was another off night for Sean and me. By off I mean the subject of whatever we are came up, and everything got uncomfortable.
It started because he mentioned that this one girl from San Diego was planning to come up and meet him Friday. They've been talking as online buddies since way before I entered the picture, so in that aspect I can't be upset they're finally meeting.. but on the same note, this isn't just some friend. This girl and him have definately had conversations about how badly they wanna hump, so the idea of her ass finally suddenly wanting to come up here and meet him offline when she's the same girl who is like OMG I WANT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME isn't exactly one I'm ready to send flowers for. I know he's just meeting a friend, but if he has me, why does he need to meet this girl right now, a girl who they talk about doing it? I already squirm a bit because he's got the web on his cell now so he sits and chats it up with people and I sit there on the futon like a loser trying to pretend I'm not wondering if hes flirting with someone.
And I know he does. We had that whole arguement at Arby's.. well not arguement, ours *luckily* are moreso emotional debates. There is this girl he used to flirt with/be buddies with back in Washington, and she moved down here for school or something and then he moved down here, and he would love to be with her but says they can't due to irrconsilable (I just made up that word) differences.. ie he's a pothead, she's slightly moral.
I don't know. I'm a moron. Yes. Yes slide me the dunce cap because I know I'm just setting myself up to get hurt. He's even SAID he thinks he's going to hurt me. It's hard to explain.
Anyhow, so I got hurt feelings over the news little miss stick-it-in-my-pussy is deciding to show up, and I told him its like he's got me but is still searching for other people. And he said, "You should be looking, too."
Thanks.
Thanks for letting me know you think I should be out there finding a new crush. *point number 2 that I'm not so smart ay?*
I don't know. He bounces back and forth from thinking I'm the most awesome to hunting down a new chick. And unfortunately it is really rare for me to find a guy I can hang out with THAT much and not stab, so here I sit, letting it all happen.
God I'm a tard.
At some point in the night, after he basically said it was him and he has too many highs and lows and he likes me but can't be with anyone blah blah, I decide to take his advice. I texted Matt. Matt's the really big sweetie I wanted to be with before he shipped to Iraq and he told me he didn't want me to wait around and him not come home, so that we'd see how it went when he returned. He got back 2 days ago. He's got leave and said since I won't have plans I should go see him Friday.
Anyhow, I texted him, "I'm giving up on Sean.." and Sean goes, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to pry, but are my eyes correct?" or someething. I asked him what he read, he told me it, and I said I think so. And then he went quiet and was visibly upset for awhile.
Well, what was I supposed to do? You're sitting there telling me I'm the best but at the same time, he has like 2-3 other girls in his life he flirts with. He even told me to find someone better. I really like Sean, so I'm trying to be a trooper but there's only so much before I have to give in.
I've sat through the times when a girl he likes calls and he makes no mention of me being there. I wait pretty patiently as he texts everyone and their mom while we're watching a movie, and I tried to not let it get to me too much when he would walk outside if a girl called to chat. He says now that the other girls know about me, but he hasn't told them much. I'm not saying he needs to be like, "So I'm just hanging out with Brittney, shes this GIRL IM SLEEPING WITH," but I'm pretty sure he isn't making it out to them that we're anything more than just platonic buddies who share both too much free time and a lame interest in video games.
I dunno.
Last night when we were laying there curled up, he mumbled in my ear, "I want to be with you Brittney," and I told him to stop. Yeah that's what I want to hear, but if you WANTED to, it would be enough. So there is always a "but" and I didn't want to hear, "..but I can't be with just one girl."
It's like a big fat reminder I'm not enough.
And one thing I've learned recently thanks to friends and stuff is.. I think I am. Maybe not for him, but I think I'm pretty decent.
I'm not completely ugly, I've got the sexual appetite of a man on steroids, I've got genuine interests in good-person things like animal welfare, I'm pretty witty, I consider myself intelligent, I'm very accomadating, I'm a nice person, I'm fun to be with, and I don't need a guy to buy me things.
So I don't know. This morning I woke him up and told him maybe I'd give up next week, and he said something about so soon, and I said maybe Christmas. Blah. So he curled tight around me and said he was scared I was leaving for good today.. and then said, "I really care about you--" and I asked him to stop again.
I think what my actual explination I said was, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing.. but for what its worth, right now I'm happy, and I don't want it to end just yet."
So go ahead, kick me. I'm stupid. Sean isn't going to think I'm enough anytime soon and I'm setting myself up to get hurt.
But for now he makes me smile, and he doesn't mind that I need to jump him a lot for my needs AHAHA and that I'm happiest staying home in pajamas watching him play PGA Tour 2005.