(no subject)
I had a thought today that made me feel a lot better.
I've realized that I spend so much time focusing on what needs to be done, what I haven't done yet, and how I need to get caught up, and a slight feeling of never quite being good enough in some areas. I had the thought today that I spend so much time worrying about not getting things done, that I never stop to think about what I have accomplished already, how much I've grown and matured in my experiences.
This time last year I was barely accepted into OU school of music, thanks to Dr. Bryant, with the lowest classification possible as far as performance goes. When I think about how much I've accomplished just on my instrument alone it baffles me, and all that with me almost never practicing the damn thing like I should be. At my first jury I got the look from Mick that said, "wow." And he even commented on how much progress I'd made. Of course now expectations are higher of me, and that's good, but to think about all the ear training I've done, even piano stuff I've learned, it blows my mind. I focus so much on my mind and emotions being complicated that I don't remember why I'm here in the first place. I get disappointed when I get any lower than a 3.7, and I really shouldn't be, I should be thankful because a lot of students work their asses off and still don't necessarily get that kind of grade point. It just made me feel a lot better, more accomplished, to think about things that way. I suppose I'm proud of myself.
I like to think I'm handling things emotionally a lot better as well. No more random 2 hour road trips in the middle of the night to Toledo, or Columbus from Strongsville. No more letting my disorder get the better of me, at least trying as hard as I possibly can. I still have a lot of work to do on that front, I have a tendency to let people walk all over me (so I'm told, and I can see it too), so I should probably not let that happen anymore.
Scott stuff is...well it's been going incredibly well, until today, but today wasn't bad, for us anyways. He had the most horrible day. He had a bad lesson, and to add insult to injury the strap broke on his case and his tuba dropped to the floor. It has a huge dent in half of the bell on the top and the slides won't move freely. He'd lost his wallet Saturday night and we couldn't find the damn thing, he didn't do well on a bio test, and to top it off apparently a piece they're playing in band has him playing one note for half of a page. All that put together equals a terrible day, and a bad lesson with Jason is worse than just a bad lesson. He's most upset about his tuba. I was actually proud of him though, I completely anticipated him blowing up at me, taking it out on me, snapping at me, what have you. Nothing. He was angry, yes, and said so audibly several, but never hurtful to me. He told me he was consciously trying not to blow up because he knows how it makes me feel. I can't say how much I appreciated that, because he never really seemed cognizant to how his actions affect my emotions, at least not when he's upset or angry. Mixed emotions about being back together with him though, he says he's going to change things, but we'll see how that goes. I have faith, but if history repeats itself I'm in for more yuckyness.