Writer's Block: Single pride day
I'm sitting here listening to "skating away" and thinking about going out.
I go out almost every night. I make schedules and lists of parties and events and I get phone numbers and new friends. I collect them all. It's all completely irrelevant. I know how vacuous it all is. I'm just kinda lonely, i guess. I keep thinking for some reason, that I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day. A hallmark holiday, yes, a holiday that has never been for me but for people who go out and buy outfits to look good in for their boyfriends. People with admirers and flowers and chocolates sent to them. It seems like everyone has someone. I don't. Everytime I like someone I do something to scare them off haha. I'm too wild. I'm too aggressive. I wait too long. I'm too passive. It's never the right approach, and it never really hurts when it's over with because I never cared enough. I don't want a boyfriend. I've had boyfriends and it never was a novelty, serial monogamy is the bane of my existence. This winter I secretly fell in love with a friend of mine. This person is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. One of the smartest people I've ever met. Someone who's interested in things that I'm interested in but pursues information and retains it in a way that is one of the most attractive attributes I find in a person. Someone full of passion. Something I can't do. This person inspires me to go out of my way to find out more about things that I think are enticing. I hear people making comments comparing my sister and I constantly. I'm the drunk. I'm the unstable one. I can't follow directions. I'm the one who never has someone. I went to work today and my boss who is known and loved or hated for his bluntness and no bull shit attitude, called me a bimbo. He asked me "are you stupid?" this It might go in one ear and out the other for someone else. But not when you're constantly compared to someone who is the complete opposite of you, someone who has it together, and someone who would never be called stupid or worthless. The person that I guess I kinda love appeals to a side of me that I don't get to embrace much. A side that is interested in history and knowing things. wanting to know more and more like an addiction. He doesn't know anyone else in my family. It just sucks because if he knew my sister, he'd probably fall in love with her. But as it stands, he likes another close friend of mine, which is much easier. I wish still, as cheesy and as ashamed of it as I am, that someone would tell me that they liked me this week. Not someone who got my number from a bulletin on myspace (big mistake which caused me to be subjected to phone calls and angry comments calling me a "preppy bitch with a face like a man" ). Someone who I could kinda like back and have a good time with. Someone I could give a valentine too. New Years and Valentine's. The loneliest days of the year.
I go out almost every night. I make schedules and lists of parties and events and I get phone numbers and new friends. I collect them all. It's all completely irrelevant. I know how vacuous it all is. I'm just kinda lonely, i guess. I keep thinking for some reason, that I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day. A hallmark holiday, yes, a holiday that has never been for me but for people who go out and buy outfits to look good in for their boyfriends. People with admirers and flowers and chocolates sent to them. It seems like everyone has someone. I don't. Everytime I like someone I do something to scare them off haha. I'm too wild. I'm too aggressive. I wait too long. I'm too passive. It's never the right approach, and it never really hurts when it's over with because I never cared enough. I don't want a boyfriend. I've had boyfriends and it never was a novelty, serial monogamy is the bane of my existence. This winter I secretly fell in love with a friend of mine. This person is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. One of the smartest people I've ever met. Someone who's interested in things that I'm interested in but pursues information and retains it in a way that is one of the most attractive attributes I find in a person. Someone full of passion. Something I can't do. This person inspires me to go out of my way to find out more about things that I think are enticing. I hear people making comments comparing my sister and I constantly. I'm the drunk. I'm the unstable one. I can't follow directions. I'm the one who never has someone. I went to work today and my boss who is known and loved or hated for his bluntness and no bull shit attitude, called me a bimbo. He asked me "are you stupid?" this It might go in one ear and out the other for someone else. But not when you're constantly compared to someone who is the complete opposite of you, someone who has it together, and someone who would never be called stupid or worthless. The person that I guess I kinda love appeals to a side of me that I don't get to embrace much. A side that is interested in history and knowing things. wanting to know more and more like an addiction. He doesn't know anyone else in my family. It just sucks because if he knew my sister, he'd probably fall in love with her. But as it stands, he likes another close friend of mine, which is much easier. I wish still, as cheesy and as ashamed of it as I am, that someone would tell me that they liked me this week. Not someone who got my number from a bulletin on myspace (big mistake which caused me to be subjected to phone calls and angry comments calling me a "preppy bitch with a face like a man" ). Someone who I could kinda like back and have a good time with. Someone I could give a valentine too. New Years and Valentine's. The loneliest days of the year.