How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?
How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?
I entertained an in my head fantasy for the majority of the weekend. I’m just recently single as you know, what you may not know is that this weekend , my former love and I were supposed to go together to a bear event about 2.5 hours away from here, in Roanoke. As things are now, I didn’t go, but he did along with several friends that we normally hang out with. In my head, I entertained the thought that he would take a notion to drive down and see me. You know, one last visit, take some time to talk (as the ending of our relationship took place over the phone) laugh a little, cry some and end things on a personal note. I even cleaned my apartment and went to the store, you know, just in case. Well, the weekend has come and gone, and my well thought scenario came and went and did not come to pass. Of course he didn’t come down, there was no contact from him, and it just turned out to be a very long and lonely weekend. Such is what happens with most fantastical thought, nothing. I feel like a fool.
As I have mentioned before, I understand what happened. What I have been surprised at is that even though he and I had this discussion via the phone, and at the time I was calm and collected and even tried to be supportive of what he “said he needed to do.” Try telling any of this to my heart. I feel like I have physically been punched in the gut over and over and over again. Emotionally the peace train did not come, I’m a train wreck about to happen, or at least so it feels. I’ve been surprised by the intensity of my emotional state, dear gods it’s like I’ve gone back to high school and I just experienced my first rejection. I don’t guess rejection is ever easy; I don’t why I think I should be immune to this emotion. But I feel like a broken record…stuck in a groove that just plays over and over and over again. He wasn’t just a “boyfriend”… I was in love and we were good friends. I can’t turn off how I feel about him, I’d be better off if I could, but always one to dive in head first and with him, I did. I miss talking to him, I miss him. I miss his presence in my life. It’s just one big ache. Would we be able to talk as two grown adults? At times I would say yes, but I know lurking behind these eyes is a lot of sadness and hurt right now. You know the usual breakup stuff… why did he decide to bail on me? Is he telling me the truth? Was I being deceived in how I thought our relationship parameters were operating? Did he really ever love me? If so, how could he make this break? What’s wrong with me? How does it seem that he is just picking up and going on like nothing ever happened? Was it more important that he have a boyfriend (object) than to have me as his partner (relationship)? Was I not enough for him? Was I bad in bed? This list could go on and on you know but I think you get the idea…
Life does go on, we either adapt or we die. I know this. I feel an immense loss in my life right now. I don’t feel I have any control over myself and my feelings are just out there raw and exposed to everything else that comes along and just digs right into this big gaping wound. How do I transform this and move on. Do we really ever move on? And when we do move on, is there ever any residual that stays behind? What remains?