crying
i have to talk to riku and wolfgang, but i have to straighten out my head before i do or everything will come out wrong.
only an hour ago, i was extremely humiliated. riku and wolfgang wanted to have sex after supper, but i had promised a friend i had been talking too before supper that i would call her back. the two of them gave each other the Look, the one that means "are you thinking what i'm thinking?" and consented; i would be allowed to call her back, but i had to have a vibrator in the entire time i was on the phone, and i was not permitted to touch myself or orgasm. i should have just had the sex, but i didn't want to leave my friend hanging, and so i called her like an idiot. of course, it was extremely awkward for both of us, but for different reasons.
i'm not going to lie; i enjoyed it. i loved being humiliated by them, i enjoyed every mintute of the discomfort and embarassment. what took it a step too far was that my friend wasn't enjoying it, not one bit. i mean, how would you like it if you had to listen to your friend pant and groan on the phone? as much as i like it, it's not fair for me to drag another person into my sex life and make them feel awkward and uncomfortable, and it's not fair for Wolfgang or Riku to make me have to do that. my friend is a good friend and could sense my embarassment, and persuaded me to stand up for myself and to go tell Riku and Wolfgang that they'd gone too far. i did what she asked; i went into Riku's room where they were both waiting and called "safety," literally. when i say the word "safety," it means to Riku and Wolfgang that i've had enough, that whatever they're doing to me is too much or has gone too far to be pleasurable any longer. immediately, they took out the vibrator and asked what was wrong, and i told them how mortified i was to have made my friend so uncomfortable. they were both ashamed and upset to see me so agitated, and they both promised they wouldn't humiliate me like that in front of other people again. but, as i said before, this friend is a good friend, an amazing friend, actually, and the fact that i let Riku and Wolfgang off so easily for making me so upset really bothered her. she wanted me to get back at them, to punish them and make them realize how hurt i truly was.
you have to understand something. i can't do that. it goes against every fiber of my being to punish Riku or Wolfgang, no matter how seriously they've wounded me. i'm the slave, i serve them, and if i displease them, i'm punished for it. the slave shouldn't punish the Masters, and that's what i did. i made them both feel absolutely wretched about what they'd done, and you know what? that's what i should have done. vengeance is sweet, right?
wrong. i feel so fucking horrible, i've been sobbing into my pillow for the past thirty minutes. i feel inside out. i feel fucked up. i feel like i've violated both Riku and Wolfgang. it's so hard to make other people understand, and i'm starting to think that maybe there's something wrong with me. i like to be used. i need to be controlled, humiliated, tortured, violated. i need to. this isn't abuse. i don't want to be abused. my mother abused me. Riku and Wolfgang don't. i can't stand up for myself against them because i don't want to, i like what they do to me. i'm a slave because i want to be, not because they're forcing me. i'm happy to serve them, to obey and worship and pleasure them. that's my place, that's when i feel secure, and Riku and Wolfgang have never, ever abused that.
please, someone, try to understand. i want to serve them, i want them to take advantage of me. i want to be fully at their mercy, and i don't want them to be very merciful. i want them to humiliate and embarass me, because i enjoy feeling lower than them. i want them to torture me, i want them to cause me so much agony that i pass out. i want them to draw blood, because i want to literally give them everything i have, including my own body, my own blood. i want them to violate my body, because i enjoy making myself vulnerable before them, and when i displease them, i enjoy being punished for it because my very existance is to please them.
no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes, including Riku and Wolfgang. there are few occasions when they go too far, and that's why they gave me the option to call "safety." i can count how many times i've had to call safety on one hand, and every time they immediately ceased what they were doing and made sure i was alright, both physically and emotionally. i'm so grateful for that. i need them and their ability to hurt and torment me without abusing me, without making me feel unsafe or insecure. our relationship has brought me so much joy and love and security that i absolutey cannot change it. i cannot upset the order, the balance, the way i did tonight. i feel unclean, i feel disgusting, and i know i shouldn't feel that way because i was uncomfortable with the situation, and, worse, someone very, very close to me was made to feel uncomfortable with the situation. but i can't punish them. i'm their slave, i'm the one that receives punishment.
i'm a nervous wreck, i can't stop crying and i don't know if what i've done was the right thing to do. no matter what, my friend was right to say that i should stop a situation that made me uncomfortable, and i'm grateful to her for being there for me and being so understanding. i have to talk to Riku and Wolfgang. i have to let them know how much this has twisted me up inside.