(no subject)
lately i've been having the feeling that i just need something. for the longest i couldn't figure out what it was. i need a muse. you know that one person who influences your work and inspires you. i just need to be inspired. for quite sometime pain has been my inspiration. i'd sit down and put on the most hateful music i could find and draw or paint..whatever i would do. i mean it works but i hate to sit infront of what i'm doing about in tears and just continue until i want to rip it to pieces. it's been a long time since i really felt like i had the heart to love. whenever some one would try and get close to me i would run. i would push away. i can't say i'm not afraid of getting hurt but i don't feel like a relationship is way to punish me anymore. my wonderment is starting to come back. i want to feel the new beginings again and the build up and the excitement. i'm only scared that the things that i want, won't happen. that if i try to love, my efferts will be in vain. that i'll be more numb than i thought or that the person i choose to love will break me and i won't be able to put myself back together. i know all of this sounds petty but i'm tired of hanging on to brent and letting the good things about him be the model for the type of guy i want. i want...no, need to eraise him completely.