Something I forgot to post a long time ago.
Hi everyone, I know its been a long time. Below is something I meant to post a long time ago, but never got around to it. I've reviewed it and am posting it here, now. Please only take it as venting out some poison I'd needed to get out of my system a while back.
-Kim
-----------
Discord.
I am an idiot. A hypocritical, insensitive, inconsiderate, and self-centered idiot. More so, one who seems to only be able to learn valuable lessons if they are the result of painful experiences. Why, I do not know, and I haven't the capacity to grasp at the moment. But of the things I am certain of, the first two statements above are true.
I try to approach people from the standpoint of being equals, and having the same thought and mind on many things. What this ends up meaning, subconsciously, it seems, is "hey, we're friends, so listen to what I have to say, agree with me about it, and while you may have something to say as well, listen to and agree with me first, and then I'll consider doing the same thing for you."
I have hurt someone today, unintentionally, but I have. I am having a moment where I don't know if I should cry or if I should be trying to do something to better myself. Right now, however, neither option is appealing. The person I hurt today gave me a well worded, blunt, and likely well deserved dressing down. They've still offered to be a good friend, too, but they need their space for a while. I understand this need, as I need it myself sometimes, but I am not good at dealing with the emotions that go along with letting someone alone for a while. I will say this: In the past, this sort of thing has always made me very angry. This time, it just hurts. And perhaps I need to let it hurt.
What does my mind go through during times like this? I struggle with feelings of What is wrong with me? Why do I always have to get to this point before I learn something? Am I mentally disabled? Am I broken and belong in mental care? Am I fit for society if this is how I treat people? Why can't I get better? I'm in therapy, for god sakes. People SHOULD hate me. People SHOULD reject me. I SHOULD hide from the world. I BELONG alone and cutoff from everyone and everything.
My mind gets very self deprecating and destructive when things like this happen. Perhaps I wasn't raised with good coping mechanisms. But then I tell myself that is just an excuse, and anyone can be better than me, so I should just be better than I am. But I can't. I'm dealing with all this crap on my plate, and I'm trying my best, and apparently my best isn't, nor will ever be good enough. And people to prove it to me over and over again. It doesn't matter if I'm talking out of my own hurt, my own pain, my own limited perspective, my own passion, or that I'm passionate at all, because its apparently all misdirected.
I get hung on on why things should be a certain way, because I feel that to find workarounds is to compromise one's principles and deny one's self. To me, its like saying to someone who is about to kill you: "Well, you shouldn't be killing me, but let's compromise: I'll let you shoot me in a non-vital organ, and only charge you with threatening me when it comes time to go to court. Then we get the best of both worlds: You get to have your way a little, I get to have mine, because you shot me, but I lived, and we both got to do something we wanted to do. Happy!"
What I really want more than anything in this world is for someone to not only understand these things about me, but to want to work with me to find ways to improve upon them, and to want to take the time to do so.
A friend of mine and I were talking about Michael Jackson, once, and while I don't remember the question I asked, my friend replied "How can you understand what "normal" is if no one ever showed it to you when you were growing up? How can you know right from wrong, kind from harsh, or love from hate, if all you've ever been surrounded by is hypocrisy, anger, shame, blame, and sadness? How are you to know that others attempts to reach you or help you are just that, if all you expect from them is what you are used to getting from others?"
The problem I have with this is that it seems like another excuse. It is true, but it seems like, and perhaps this is what is wrong with my perception, that society just expects you to overcome it, on your own, and to know how to, on your own, without the care and guidance and tool set you need to get yourself out of it. "So and so did it on their own, why can't you just be like them and get over it?"
These are some of the other things that go through my mind when I consider if I should just be locked away until I can become a useful member of society. Because apparently I don't know how to be anything else.
Anyway, I have a job interview in a little while, so while I've gotten this out, I need to refocus myself so I can be productive in said interview. Luv ya, bye.
-Kim
-----------
Discord.
I am an idiot. A hypocritical, insensitive, inconsiderate, and self-centered idiot. More so, one who seems to only be able to learn valuable lessons if they are the result of painful experiences. Why, I do not know, and I haven't the capacity to grasp at the moment. But of the things I am certain of, the first two statements above are true.
I try to approach people from the standpoint of being equals, and having the same thought and mind on many things. What this ends up meaning, subconsciously, it seems, is "hey, we're friends, so listen to what I have to say, agree with me about it, and while you may have something to say as well, listen to and agree with me first, and then I'll consider doing the same thing for you."
I have hurt someone today, unintentionally, but I have. I am having a moment where I don't know if I should cry or if I should be trying to do something to better myself. Right now, however, neither option is appealing. The person I hurt today gave me a well worded, blunt, and likely well deserved dressing down. They've still offered to be a good friend, too, but they need their space for a while. I understand this need, as I need it myself sometimes, but I am not good at dealing with the emotions that go along with letting someone alone for a while. I will say this: In the past, this sort of thing has always made me very angry. This time, it just hurts. And perhaps I need to let it hurt.
What does my mind go through during times like this? I struggle with feelings of What is wrong with me? Why do I always have to get to this point before I learn something? Am I mentally disabled? Am I broken and belong in mental care? Am I fit for society if this is how I treat people? Why can't I get better? I'm in therapy, for god sakes. People SHOULD hate me. People SHOULD reject me. I SHOULD hide from the world. I BELONG alone and cutoff from everyone and everything.
My mind gets very self deprecating and destructive when things like this happen. Perhaps I wasn't raised with good coping mechanisms. But then I tell myself that is just an excuse, and anyone can be better than me, so I should just be better than I am. But I can't. I'm dealing with all this crap on my plate, and I'm trying my best, and apparently my best isn't, nor will ever be good enough. And people to prove it to me over and over again. It doesn't matter if I'm talking out of my own hurt, my own pain, my own limited perspective, my own passion, or that I'm passionate at all, because its apparently all misdirected.
I get hung on on why things should be a certain way, because I feel that to find workarounds is to compromise one's principles and deny one's self. To me, its like saying to someone who is about to kill you: "Well, you shouldn't be killing me, but let's compromise: I'll let you shoot me in a non-vital organ, and only charge you with threatening me when it comes time to go to court. Then we get the best of both worlds: You get to have your way a little, I get to have mine, because you shot me, but I lived, and we both got to do something we wanted to do. Happy!"
What I really want more than anything in this world is for someone to not only understand these things about me, but to want to work with me to find ways to improve upon them, and to want to take the time to do so.
A friend of mine and I were talking about Michael Jackson, once, and while I don't remember the question I asked, my friend replied "How can you understand what "normal" is if no one ever showed it to you when you were growing up? How can you know right from wrong, kind from harsh, or love from hate, if all you've ever been surrounded by is hypocrisy, anger, shame, blame, and sadness? How are you to know that others attempts to reach you or help you are just that, if all you expect from them is what you are used to getting from others?"
The problem I have with this is that it seems like another excuse. It is true, but it seems like, and perhaps this is what is wrong with my perception, that society just expects you to overcome it, on your own, and to know how to, on your own, without the care and guidance and tool set you need to get yourself out of it. "So and so did it on their own, why can't you just be like them and get over it?"
These are some of the other things that go through my mind when I consider if I should just be locked away until I can become a useful member of society. Because apparently I don't know how to be anything else.
Anyway, I have a job interview in a little while, so while I've gotten this out, I need to refocus myself so I can be productive in said interview. Luv ya, bye.