Mixed Greens -OR- Happy Holidays for the First Time
Hi gang,
Long time no post, I know... and its a bad habit on my part. I've been off and on most places online, save for chatting. Today's post is because I feel like I'm going to go nuts if I don't write it.
For those of you who don't know, the road of my being intersex has led me finally to transition, which has been a great thing for me in just about every way. Its not without its challenges, but its what I need to do to be me.
Today... today is the Christmas holiday, and I am feeling extremely mixed. I've not felt this way since Christmases of my youth, around ages 12-15. I'm moody and emotional. It seems like everything is making me want to cry, and for no apparent reason. I'm depressed and want to just hide in the bedroom all day, or tuck myself behind a computer, wrap up in blankets, and do nearly nothing. I've been feeling like I can't do anything right, that I'm doing nothing but upsetting my partner, and looking like a Frumpy Fran.
In many ways, I suppose, this is my first Christmas. Silly as that sounds, the reason for that has to do with this being the first time I've really gotten to be "Me" at Christmas. My "coming out" has been a slow process, and we're not going to do so with the partner's family until New Years. I'm hoping to make this next year be wonderful, but I can see a lot of emotion in it. I guess one could almost look at it as "teenage angst", if you want, because emotionally, I'm going through a bit of a reset, and am really feeling more and more, that "Nobody understands me, especially me!" set of feelings.
Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments of happy and all, but my emotions are so much more dynamic these days, and today I'm very uncertain of myself. It seems no matter what I do, I always return to a crappy funk, which in and of itself is kinda pissing me off. I get angry that I'm moody, which makes me more moody, and I feel like I'm just acting to get through the day. I hate that I can't feel genuine without feeling crappy and angsty.Does every teenage girl go through this? I seem to remember some who did, but many who were also super perky and giggly, some who were well balanced and even of mood, some who were very mature and aware, and some who were just dumpy, like I feel.
I do love my partner, and I love my friends, but I dunno what's going on with me anymore, so I don't know what to tell my partner and friends. I don't know what I need. I don't know what they can do to make it better, because I don't know what to do to make it better, myself. One thing I have to tell anyone who is trying to help me get through this time:
DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
I can tell you that after an emotional outburst, 99% of the time, its over and done with and I don't even think about it a second time. I'm just trying to get through the day, through the hour, through the minute, and every one is different.
On top of this, with the health issues I've been dealing with, such as the inability to work due to constant pain, difficulty in comprehension, and the uncertainty that goes with those, especially since the biggest uncertainty is with the doctors, who don't know what's wrong yet. Its been often thought to be something like Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, or even Lupus, but no one knows nor will give me a solid answer. On top of that, I've been diagnosed with a rather significant case of Social Anxiety/Paranoia. Am I a big mess?
YES
Please please please please please take your time with me. I don't understand myself, and I know that you're going to understand me less, and I don't know what to do to help you help me, though I do try. I really do. I'm just... not myself, because myself is so dramatically changing moment to moment. Right now, I'm just trying to get through Christmas. Christmas is a good thing, this is just a particularly confusing one for me.
I'll post something else later, I'm certain, about things I'm angsting about. Thanks for listening, and have a good day today, no matter if you celebrate a holiday on it or not. Talk to you later!
Long time no post, I know... and its a bad habit on my part. I've been off and on most places online, save for chatting. Today's post is because I feel like I'm going to go nuts if I don't write it.
For those of you who don't know, the road of my being intersex has led me finally to transition, which has been a great thing for me in just about every way. Its not without its challenges, but its what I need to do to be me.
Today... today is the Christmas holiday, and I am feeling extremely mixed. I've not felt this way since Christmases of my youth, around ages 12-15. I'm moody and emotional. It seems like everything is making me want to cry, and for no apparent reason. I'm depressed and want to just hide in the bedroom all day, or tuck myself behind a computer, wrap up in blankets, and do nearly nothing. I've been feeling like I can't do anything right, that I'm doing nothing but upsetting my partner, and looking like a Frumpy Fran.
In many ways, I suppose, this is my first Christmas. Silly as that sounds, the reason for that has to do with this being the first time I've really gotten to be "Me" at Christmas. My "coming out" has been a slow process, and we're not going to do so with the partner's family until New Years. I'm hoping to make this next year be wonderful, but I can see a lot of emotion in it. I guess one could almost look at it as "teenage angst", if you want, because emotionally, I'm going through a bit of a reset, and am really feeling more and more, that "Nobody understands me, especially me!" set of feelings.
Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments of happy and all, but my emotions are so much more dynamic these days, and today I'm very uncertain of myself. It seems no matter what I do, I always return to a crappy funk, which in and of itself is kinda pissing me off. I get angry that I'm moody, which makes me more moody, and I feel like I'm just acting to get through the day. I hate that I can't feel genuine without feeling crappy and angsty.Does every teenage girl go through this? I seem to remember some who did, but many who were also super perky and giggly, some who were well balanced and even of mood, some who were very mature and aware, and some who were just dumpy, like I feel.
I do love my partner, and I love my friends, but I dunno what's going on with me anymore, so I don't know what to tell my partner and friends. I don't know what I need. I don't know what they can do to make it better, because I don't know what to do to make it better, myself. One thing I have to tell anyone who is trying to help me get through this time:
DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
I can tell you that after an emotional outburst, 99% of the time, its over and done with and I don't even think about it a second time. I'm just trying to get through the day, through the hour, through the minute, and every one is different.
On top of this, with the health issues I've been dealing with, such as the inability to work due to constant pain, difficulty in comprehension, and the uncertainty that goes with those, especially since the biggest uncertainty is with the doctors, who don't know what's wrong yet. Its been often thought to be something like Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, or even Lupus, but no one knows nor will give me a solid answer. On top of that, I've been diagnosed with a rather significant case of Social Anxiety/Paranoia. Am I a big mess?
YES
Please please please please please take your time with me. I don't understand myself, and I know that you're going to understand me less, and I don't know what to do to help you help me, though I do try. I really do. I'm just... not myself, because myself is so dramatically changing moment to moment. Right now, I'm just trying to get through Christmas. Christmas is a good thing, this is just a particularly confusing one for me.
I'll post something else later, I'm certain, about things I'm angsting about. Thanks for listening, and have a good day today, no matter if you celebrate a holiday on it or not. Talk to you later!