Leavng Myself Behind
Title: Leaving Myself Behind
Author: loustat
Rating: R
Main Parings: Dean/Sam. Mentions of Sam/Ruby
Disclaimer: I do not own the boys, nor do I claim any rights to Kripke's master creation. (Damn!)
Summary: Alternate ending to "When The Levee Breaks". When Sam walked out that door, a part of him stayed behind.
Warnings: Spoilers for Season 4 "When The Levee Breaks", Wincest, Attempted Non to Dub-Con, Language, Violence, Angst. Bottom!Dean
AN: This story starts off directly at the end of episode 21 with a twist of Wincest. The idea came randomly to my mind after watching that episode. It's been a long while since I've written anything, so hope you enjoy!
Beta: No Beta, so I'm sorry for any mistakes you may find...
The power and control reverberating through Sam's veins as he held Dean's life in his hands sent a perverse thrill unlike anything he had ever experienced before. Not even Ruby was capable of making him feel such strength over another even when she willingly allowed him to do what ever it is with her that he pleased; whether it be sucking down her blood or using her body.
But this, the feel of Dean's fluttering pulse under his palms, Dean gasping desperately for breath beneath Sam's brutal hold and grasping on to Sam's arms, trying to dislodge him, reminded Sam of how fragile Dean really was.
All his life, Dean was the unattainable and sometimes reckless hero who always seemed to overpower Sam in some way or the other no matter how much stronger Sam was physically or mentally. Their father admired Dean's courage and obedience while he was out casted for simply wanting to live his own life. Dean always had this light surrounding him, an aura no one could ever seem to grasp. But, that ends tonight and Sam was about to remind this beautiful untouchable man of just who has the control and strength in this family.
Sam, no...
Sam's head shot up as the too familiar, unspoken whisper echoed in his mind and released his choking hold on Dean's neck, watching with grim satisfaction as Dean coughed up spit and blood while taking deep gulps of air into his stuttering lungs at the same time. The whispered plea went ignored and before Dean had the chance to recover, he felt himself being lifted off the glass strewn floor and thrown facedown like a rag doll onto the bed Sam and Ruby just abandoned not too long ago. He grimaced when the scent of sex and blood overwhelmed his senses, making him gag in disgust and before he could turn around to make his next move despite his body's painful protests, Sam was on him, pinning all of his weight and muscle against Dean's back and legs. Gripping Dean's rist's in one, strong hand, Sam pressed them above Dean's head roughly against a crumpled pillow.
"Sam! What're you doin'?" Dean cried in fear as Sam kneed his legs apart in silent command, spreading them as wide as they can go while never losing his hold on Dean, "Get off me, damn it!"
Dean bucked desperately against Sam's heavy bulk, trying to escape Sam's hold to no avail. Dean stilled in his actions immediately when he felt something hard poking against his thigh and his eyes widened in shock when he realized exactly what that was.
"Sam?" Dean whispered, tears threatening to spill once again.
"Yeah, Dean. That's exactly what you think it is," Sam hissed, ruthlessly rutting his arousal against Dean's thigh to accent his point.
"Sam, no! Please, what're you doin'!? The demon blood's fuckin' with your..."
Before Dean could say anything further, he was suddenly flipped onto his back and his mouth was assaulted with teeth and tongue as Sam greedily sucked at the blood that had accumulated in Dean's mouth during their fight. Dean gasped a sob, struggling in Sam's hold and trying to knee him in the crotch. Shock and betrayal rested deeply in his soul, taking permanent residence in his heart which already bared so much pain. His mind was attacked with questions that he couldn't stop even as he felt one of Sam's large hands cupping the curve of his ass and squeezing with a pleased grunt.
How could this be happening? Why was Sam doing this? Was it the demon blood working its already powerful influence?
Dean squeezed his eyes shut as he felt Sam sucking on his tongue greedily, purposely ignoring Dean's hot tears as they seeped into Sam's mouth alongside the blood. When Sam pulled away, it was only to start licking at the wounds that covered Dean's face and neck. The caked blood that settled there was now being swept away by Sam's hot tongue and Dean renewed his struggles, hoping Sam was too lost in the taste of him to distract his guard long enough to get him off. Dean had no such luck when Sam growled and bit Dean hard on his neck, causing more blood to seep past the newly made womb for Sam to suck on and Dean whimpered in pain at the burning sensation.
"Sam! Please, I lo..."
"No!" Sam seethed as he bit down harder on Dean's neck, tearing it bloodier. Dean cried out as the pain intensified and he started bucking fierily once more, ignoring Sam's arousal and only focusing on his escape. Sam's hold on him was strong and Dean began to scream in anguish, his lungs burning with the effort and Sam was there again, devouring his mouth to drown out his cries, his unoccupied hand now at Dean's throat and tightening there in warning.
Sam pulled back once Dean's cries were nothing more then a mere whimper and smiled cruelly, "There's no point in cryin' out for help, Dean. Ruby would only distract them," He whispered in mock tenderness against Dean's lips before taking them again, resuming his sucking on the sweet tang of blood he never knew Dean possessed.
Dean finally gave up his struggles, so tired now and just allowing Sam to take what he has been taking anyways, with or without his consent. His soul was dying piece by piece as the only human being he ever loved ripped it apart. Only Sam was capable of breaking Dean this way because Dean had given Sam all of himself long ago, despite who has had his body. Dean would have given himself willingly to his Sammy, even now though Sam's nowhere to be found. If only Sam stopped to listen to what he has been trying to say, to hear the words Dean has always wanted to say to him for so long.
He wasn't screaming out for help as Sam believed he was, he was screaming out of sorrow and loss. He was screaming because he was dying inside and it hurt so much to know that it was his Sammy that was taking away from him so carelessly. So Dean closed his eyes and did the only thing he can do...
He prayed.
He prayed for Sam, for forgiveness. He prayed for Sam's salvation as well as his own. He prayed for his brothers safety when all is said and done and for heaven to grant them both mercy and for the Lord to guide both of them home. He prayed for the redemption he knew his little brother will eventually seek.
"I forgive you, Sammy," Dean thought to himself as he felt Sam roughly tug his jeans and underwear down his legs and off his body, as Sam's long and elegant fingers penetrated his innocence with lust and anger, "I love you."
Sam suddenly stilled in his movements, the words whispered in his mind like a single ray of light breaking through overwhelming darkness. His senses came back to him in a rush, Ruby's blood being washed away by Dean's own, pushing out the anger and hate. He looked down to where his fingers were embedded in Dean's tightness and took in the blood and bruises covering Dean's broken body. He suddenly felt overwhelmingly sick, his stomach lurching as he pushed himself off of Dean in a rush, falling to his knees at the foot of the bed as the bile rose within him.
"Dean?" he choked out brokenly, "What have I done?"
"Sam?" Dean whispered and though he was free now of Sam's hold, his body was numb and he hurt too much to move an inch from where Sam had first pinned him down.
Sam shook his head in disbelief and anger, but this time, the anger was towards himself. How could he have done this to the only man he had ever loved? The one man who has always kept him safe and would kill anyone or anything that ever posed him harm?
He was so drunk off of Ruby's blood that it tainted his soul and clouded his heart. Perhaps, Dean was right all along, but it's too late now to turn back. He didn't deserve Dean no more then he deserved life itself and knew deep within his core that he deserved nothing more then a demon whore who he sensed was still waiting for him outside those filthy walls. So, with his path chosen, he stumbled onto his feet and gathered his composure, avoiding his heart still lying limply on the bed he and Ruby shared not too long ago and felt bile rise in him once again at the thought of giving himself to someone, something, that wasn't Dean.
"Sammy?" Dean pleaded as he finally made effort to move off the bed, ignoring the screaming pain his body was signaling to him, "Sammy, wait!"
Sam flinched at the affectionate nickname Dean has always used for him since the day he was born. His name always said in a soothing whisper that had always calmed and sheltered him whenever he faced a crises in his life:
When Dean lulled him to sleep at night, reassuring him of their father's safe return from another random hunt, "Everything will be a'right, Sammy. Dad will come back a a couple of days. Nothin' can take him down!" even though Sam could sense Dean's fear and doubt, but knowing Dean will always put Sam's safety first.
When Dean would silently crawl into Sam's bed after hearing Sam screaming out in his sleep, waking from images of Jessica burning into ashes on the ceiling and Dean would soothingly hold his sobbing form, "Shh. It's okay, Sammy. It wasn't your fault. It was no one's fault. I promise it'll get easier," and Sam would fall into a dreamless slumber, Dean's presence a constant warmth.
When they were working a case at an old, soon to be torn down bed and breakfast and he pleaded for Dean to kill him if he were to ever become something he wasn't, breath reeked by alcohol and gripping onto Dean fearfully as Dean guided him to bed, "Don't ask that of me, Sammy. Please, don't ever ask that of me," but Sam simply passed out cold, ignoring the pain in his brothers voice and reminding him of that promise the following day.
When he had to take out Madison a few years later, guilt stricken because the irony of the situation. When she requested he'd kill her before she can kill again, her eyes sorrowful, but grateful. Once his deed was done, Dean laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, those emerald depths filled with the same sorrow that reflected in Sam's own, "I'm sorry, Sammy. So damn sorry," and Sam simply nodded. He wanted so badly to pull Dean into his arms and beg his brothers forgivenss, to take back what he asked of Dean and only now understanding the weight of those words.
When Dean went to hell, he never held a hint of regret for his sacrifice because Sam knew it was all for him, "No one will ever hurt you 'gain, Sammy. Please, promise me you'll keep fighting, that you'll never give in," and Sam promised in tears. When Dean was gone, nothing more then a gorey corpse in his arms, he broke that promise.
And now, after what Sam was about to do to him, Dean's eyes still shone with deep love and forgiveness and Sam couldn't bare it any longer. Dean should have never had to deal with Sam and his burdens on top of his own and knew Dean deserved better then what he could ever offer. Mind made up, Sam swore to never hurt Dean again and if it meant losing Dean forever, then so be it.
"Forgive me, Dean," Sam thought to himself as he turned to face his beloved once he reached the door, "I don't deserve you."
But what he said outloud, he knew he could never take back...
"No, Dean. I'm done with you and let this little moment of ours be a reminder of what I can and will do to you next time we cross paths. I'm goin' to kill Lilith and I will stop Lucifer risin'. Ruby has shown me how and once it is over, you will never look for me again," Sam paused in his lie as he watched Dean's face crumple with hurt and defeat and he felt his heart growing cold when he let the final words slip past his lips, "You don't know me. You never have, and you never will."
As he turned to leave, Dean finally spoke and when he did, Sam knew he succeded as each word was punctured in absolution, "If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back."
Though Sam expected Dean's anger, he still found tears welling in his eyes because he had heard those bitter words before so very long ago. Knew them because if was the exact same words their father threw at him as Dean stood helplessly by after Sam abruptly announced that he was leaving for college. It was the day Sam had walked out of their lives to begin a new one far away and out of their reach. One that didn't involve his father nor Dean.
A life without hunting or fear...
A life living in a lie.
Sam held back his tears, this is what he deserved and glared at Dean one last time before his body headed out the door into the awaiting arms of the demon, leaving himself behind.
"Sammy," Dean sobbed, clutching the pillow that smelt faintly of Sam tightly to his chest, his hateful word tasting like acid on his tounge, "Sammy, Sammy, Sammy..."
Sam knelt beside his crying brother, whispering for his brothers forgiveness as he finally faded away.
END.
Author: loustat
Rating: R
Main Parings: Dean/Sam. Mentions of Sam/Ruby
Disclaimer: I do not own the boys, nor do I claim any rights to Kripke's master creation. (Damn!)
Summary: Alternate ending to "When The Levee Breaks". When Sam walked out that door, a part of him stayed behind.
Warnings: Spoilers for Season 4 "When The Levee Breaks", Wincest, Attempted Non to Dub-Con, Language, Violence, Angst. Bottom!Dean
AN: This story starts off directly at the end of episode 21 with a twist of Wincest. The idea came randomly to my mind after watching that episode. It's been a long while since I've written anything, so hope you enjoy!
Beta: No Beta, so I'm sorry for any mistakes you may find...
The power and control reverberating through Sam's veins as he held Dean's life in his hands sent a perverse thrill unlike anything he had ever experienced before. Not even Ruby was capable of making him feel such strength over another even when she willingly allowed him to do what ever it is with her that he pleased; whether it be sucking down her blood or using her body.
But this, the feel of Dean's fluttering pulse under his palms, Dean gasping desperately for breath beneath Sam's brutal hold and grasping on to Sam's arms, trying to dislodge him, reminded Sam of how fragile Dean really was.
All his life, Dean was the unattainable and sometimes reckless hero who always seemed to overpower Sam in some way or the other no matter how much stronger Sam was physically or mentally. Their father admired Dean's courage and obedience while he was out casted for simply wanting to live his own life. Dean always had this light surrounding him, an aura no one could ever seem to grasp. But, that ends tonight and Sam was about to remind this beautiful untouchable man of just who has the control and strength in this family.
Sam, no...
Sam's head shot up as the too familiar, unspoken whisper echoed in his mind and released his choking hold on Dean's neck, watching with grim satisfaction as Dean coughed up spit and blood while taking deep gulps of air into his stuttering lungs at the same time. The whispered plea went ignored and before Dean had the chance to recover, he felt himself being lifted off the glass strewn floor and thrown facedown like a rag doll onto the bed Sam and Ruby just abandoned not too long ago. He grimaced when the scent of sex and blood overwhelmed his senses, making him gag in disgust and before he could turn around to make his next move despite his body's painful protests, Sam was on him, pinning all of his weight and muscle against Dean's back and legs. Gripping Dean's rist's in one, strong hand, Sam pressed them above Dean's head roughly against a crumpled pillow.
"Sam! What're you doin'?" Dean cried in fear as Sam kneed his legs apart in silent command, spreading them as wide as they can go while never losing his hold on Dean, "Get off me, damn it!"
Dean bucked desperately against Sam's heavy bulk, trying to escape Sam's hold to no avail. Dean stilled in his actions immediately when he felt something hard poking against his thigh and his eyes widened in shock when he realized exactly what that was.
"Sam?" Dean whispered, tears threatening to spill once again.
"Yeah, Dean. That's exactly what you think it is," Sam hissed, ruthlessly rutting his arousal against Dean's thigh to accent his point.
"Sam, no! Please, what're you doin'!? The demon blood's fuckin' with your..."
Before Dean could say anything further, he was suddenly flipped onto his back and his mouth was assaulted with teeth and tongue as Sam greedily sucked at the blood that had accumulated in Dean's mouth during their fight. Dean gasped a sob, struggling in Sam's hold and trying to knee him in the crotch. Shock and betrayal rested deeply in his soul, taking permanent residence in his heart which already bared so much pain. His mind was attacked with questions that he couldn't stop even as he felt one of Sam's large hands cupping the curve of his ass and squeezing with a pleased grunt.
How could this be happening? Why was Sam doing this? Was it the demon blood working its already powerful influence?
Dean squeezed his eyes shut as he felt Sam sucking on his tongue greedily, purposely ignoring Dean's hot tears as they seeped into Sam's mouth alongside the blood. When Sam pulled away, it was only to start licking at the wounds that covered Dean's face and neck. The caked blood that settled there was now being swept away by Sam's hot tongue and Dean renewed his struggles, hoping Sam was too lost in the taste of him to distract his guard long enough to get him off. Dean had no such luck when Sam growled and bit Dean hard on his neck, causing more blood to seep past the newly made womb for Sam to suck on and Dean whimpered in pain at the burning sensation.
"Sam! Please, I lo..."
"No!" Sam seethed as he bit down harder on Dean's neck, tearing it bloodier. Dean cried out as the pain intensified and he started bucking fierily once more, ignoring Sam's arousal and only focusing on his escape. Sam's hold on him was strong and Dean began to scream in anguish, his lungs burning with the effort and Sam was there again, devouring his mouth to drown out his cries, his unoccupied hand now at Dean's throat and tightening there in warning.
Sam pulled back once Dean's cries were nothing more then a mere whimper and smiled cruelly, "There's no point in cryin' out for help, Dean. Ruby would only distract them," He whispered in mock tenderness against Dean's lips before taking them again, resuming his sucking on the sweet tang of blood he never knew Dean possessed.
Dean finally gave up his struggles, so tired now and just allowing Sam to take what he has been taking anyways, with or without his consent. His soul was dying piece by piece as the only human being he ever loved ripped it apart. Only Sam was capable of breaking Dean this way because Dean had given Sam all of himself long ago, despite who has had his body. Dean would have given himself willingly to his Sammy, even now though Sam's nowhere to be found. If only Sam stopped to listen to what he has been trying to say, to hear the words Dean has always wanted to say to him for so long.
He wasn't screaming out for help as Sam believed he was, he was screaming out of sorrow and loss. He was screaming because he was dying inside and it hurt so much to know that it was his Sammy that was taking away from him so carelessly. So Dean closed his eyes and did the only thing he can do...
He prayed.
He prayed for Sam, for forgiveness. He prayed for Sam's salvation as well as his own. He prayed for his brothers safety when all is said and done and for heaven to grant them both mercy and for the Lord to guide both of them home. He prayed for the redemption he knew his little brother will eventually seek.
"I forgive you, Sammy," Dean thought to himself as he felt Sam roughly tug his jeans and underwear down his legs and off his body, as Sam's long and elegant fingers penetrated his innocence with lust and anger, "I love you."
Sam suddenly stilled in his movements, the words whispered in his mind like a single ray of light breaking through overwhelming darkness. His senses came back to him in a rush, Ruby's blood being washed away by Dean's own, pushing out the anger and hate. He looked down to where his fingers were embedded in Dean's tightness and took in the blood and bruises covering Dean's broken body. He suddenly felt overwhelmingly sick, his stomach lurching as he pushed himself off of Dean in a rush, falling to his knees at the foot of the bed as the bile rose within him.
"Dean?" he choked out brokenly, "What have I done?"
"Sam?" Dean whispered and though he was free now of Sam's hold, his body was numb and he hurt too much to move an inch from where Sam had first pinned him down.
Sam shook his head in disbelief and anger, but this time, the anger was towards himself. How could he have done this to the only man he had ever loved? The one man who has always kept him safe and would kill anyone or anything that ever posed him harm?
He was so drunk off of Ruby's blood that it tainted his soul and clouded his heart. Perhaps, Dean was right all along, but it's too late now to turn back. He didn't deserve Dean no more then he deserved life itself and knew deep within his core that he deserved nothing more then a demon whore who he sensed was still waiting for him outside those filthy walls. So, with his path chosen, he stumbled onto his feet and gathered his composure, avoiding his heart still lying limply on the bed he and Ruby shared not too long ago and felt bile rise in him once again at the thought of giving himself to someone, something, that wasn't Dean.
"Sammy?" Dean pleaded as he finally made effort to move off the bed, ignoring the screaming pain his body was signaling to him, "Sammy, wait!"
Sam flinched at the affectionate nickname Dean has always used for him since the day he was born. His name always said in a soothing whisper that had always calmed and sheltered him whenever he faced a crises in his life:
When Dean lulled him to sleep at night, reassuring him of their father's safe return from another random hunt, "Everything will be a'right, Sammy. Dad will come back a a couple of days. Nothin' can take him down!" even though Sam could sense Dean's fear and doubt, but knowing Dean will always put Sam's safety first.
When Dean would silently crawl into Sam's bed after hearing Sam screaming out in his sleep, waking from images of Jessica burning into ashes on the ceiling and Dean would soothingly hold his sobbing form, "Shh. It's okay, Sammy. It wasn't your fault. It was no one's fault. I promise it'll get easier," and Sam would fall into a dreamless slumber, Dean's presence a constant warmth.
When they were working a case at an old, soon to be torn down bed and breakfast and he pleaded for Dean to kill him if he were to ever become something he wasn't, breath reeked by alcohol and gripping onto Dean fearfully as Dean guided him to bed, "Don't ask that of me, Sammy. Please, don't ever ask that of me," but Sam simply passed out cold, ignoring the pain in his brothers voice and reminding him of that promise the following day.
When he had to take out Madison a few years later, guilt stricken because the irony of the situation. When she requested he'd kill her before she can kill again, her eyes sorrowful, but grateful. Once his deed was done, Dean laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, those emerald depths filled with the same sorrow that reflected in Sam's own, "I'm sorry, Sammy. So damn sorry," and Sam simply nodded. He wanted so badly to pull Dean into his arms and beg his brothers forgivenss, to take back what he asked of Dean and only now understanding the weight of those words.
When Dean went to hell, he never held a hint of regret for his sacrifice because Sam knew it was all for him, "No one will ever hurt you 'gain, Sammy. Please, promise me you'll keep fighting, that you'll never give in," and Sam promised in tears. When Dean was gone, nothing more then a gorey corpse in his arms, he broke that promise.
And now, after what Sam was about to do to him, Dean's eyes still shone with deep love and forgiveness and Sam couldn't bare it any longer. Dean should have never had to deal with Sam and his burdens on top of his own and knew Dean deserved better then what he could ever offer. Mind made up, Sam swore to never hurt Dean again and if it meant losing Dean forever, then so be it.
"Forgive me, Dean," Sam thought to himself as he turned to face his beloved once he reached the door, "I don't deserve you."
But what he said outloud, he knew he could never take back...
"No, Dean. I'm done with you and let this little moment of ours be a reminder of what I can and will do to you next time we cross paths. I'm goin' to kill Lilith and I will stop Lucifer risin'. Ruby has shown me how and once it is over, you will never look for me again," Sam paused in his lie as he watched Dean's face crumple with hurt and defeat and he felt his heart growing cold when he let the final words slip past his lips, "You don't know me. You never have, and you never will."
As he turned to leave, Dean finally spoke and when he did, Sam knew he succeded as each word was punctured in absolution, "If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back."
Though Sam expected Dean's anger, he still found tears welling in his eyes because he had heard those bitter words before so very long ago. Knew them because if was the exact same words their father threw at him as Dean stood helplessly by after Sam abruptly announced that he was leaving for college. It was the day Sam had walked out of their lives to begin a new one far away and out of their reach. One that didn't involve his father nor Dean.
A life without hunting or fear...
A life living in a lie.
Sam held back his tears, this is what he deserved and glared at Dean one last time before his body headed out the door into the awaiting arms of the demon, leaving himself behind.
"Sammy," Dean sobbed, clutching the pillow that smelt faintly of Sam tightly to his chest, his hateful word tasting like acid on his tounge, "Sammy, Sammy, Sammy..."
Sam knelt beside his crying brother, whispering for his brothers forgiveness as he finally faded away.
END.