Yeah, the mess I'm in, but I don't care
There's a lot of shit going on right now, most of which I can't help. This is really disturbing - when a friend is in trouble or upset, I need to be able to actually physically help them, and when I don't or can't, I feel guilty and distressed. Like, I feel like a shit for not being there when T had to go to the hospital. I feel useless for not being able to fix B's situation or help her girlfriend. I feel guilty for not being able to offer physical help to my online friends when they're in trouble.
So, this afternoon I figured out that I wasn't going to get any work done until I resolved this (especially some of the IRL stuff that happened last night when I was out), and decided to pray on it. I went to the chapel and ended up doing one of the daily devotions with about 7 prayers in the appropriate section and my favorite parts from Evensong (namely the Apostles' Creed and the Compline prayer "Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work or watch or weep this night..."). I went off-script and made up things for which the BCP didn't plan - help me realize it's all right not to understand people, help me remember that it's all right to be angry but you have to let it go, help [name] realize that she's whole the way she is.
And now I feel much better. It's not that I knelt and said, "Okay, God, I've got this problem. You take care of it." It's that I've said, "Hi, I could use some help. They could use some help. Please." Understand, I've never been able to buy an omnipotent and all-powerful God. There are too many terrible things that happen for me to be able to believe that and not think something is fundamentally wrong with Him. Don't tell me an all-powerful God lets people be strapped to metal bedframes with wet rags and electrocuted. Don't tell me an all-powerful God lets people be born with minds or bodies that prevent them from functioning in the world. Most of my prayers are to the effect of, "Hi, God, I'm doing all right, thanks. Please look after [person/place/event]." But in these situations, when I can't do anything, I've appealed to the thing that should be able to. It's all I can do.
Furthermore, my chances of committing GBH this evening have deceased 90%.
Bless these bones, bless this skin
All of me and the mess I'm in
Oh! R and I had another loltastic conversation in which she tried to get me to ditch Changeling for the Talbot Immorality party.
"But I could find some guns!"
"You can shoot things any week."
"Every other week."
"Whatever!"
So, this afternoon I figured out that I wasn't going to get any work done until I resolved this (especially some of the IRL stuff that happened last night when I was out), and decided to pray on it. I went to the chapel and ended up doing one of the daily devotions with about 7 prayers in the appropriate section and my favorite parts from Evensong (namely the Apostles' Creed and the Compline prayer "Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work or watch or weep this night..."). I went off-script and made up things for which the BCP didn't plan - help me realize it's all right not to understand people, help me remember that it's all right to be angry but you have to let it go, help [name] realize that she's whole the way she is.
And now I feel much better. It's not that I knelt and said, "Okay, God, I've got this problem. You take care of it." It's that I've said, "Hi, I could use some help. They could use some help. Please." Understand, I've never been able to buy an omnipotent and all-powerful God. There are too many terrible things that happen for me to be able to believe that and not think something is fundamentally wrong with Him. Don't tell me an all-powerful God lets people be strapped to metal bedframes with wet rags and electrocuted. Don't tell me an all-powerful God lets people be born with minds or bodies that prevent them from functioning in the world. Most of my prayers are to the effect of, "Hi, God, I'm doing all right, thanks. Please look after [person/place/event]." But in these situations, when I can't do anything, I've appealed to the thing that should be able to. It's all I can do.
Furthermore, my chances of committing GBH this evening have deceased 90%.
Bless these bones, bless this skin
All of me and the mess I'm in
Oh! R and I had another loltastic conversation in which she tried to get me to ditch Changeling for the Talbot Immorality party.
"But I could find some guns!"
"You can shoot things any week."
"Every other week."
"Whatever!"