ill open the door just a lil bit...
so i havent updated in a while because i've been pondering a lot.. im a ponderer... i think things out, all the possible outcomes idk i just create stuff in my head anyway i've realized a lot about myself lately...
i keep my heart guarded up and locked... i dont let anything in and i dont let anything out, where has my femininity been? seriously reading this book is making me aware of so much most of us go through... once again here i go going off about people in general or something that happened... I NEVER TALK ABOUT ME!!! no one ever knows how i feel cuz i dont let anyone know... i just tell everyone what they wanna hear or take various angles on my life i let people see me from
once again a huge change is right infront of me and weeks away! and why am i keeping distant seriously i dont get it and im always CONFUSED! and why do i let myself be confused and no one explains anything to me cuz im always confused so they just leave it
another thing is i run from people.. you know who you are... i know when your gonna ask me something i dont wanna give you the answer "no" to cuz i dont wanna hurt you, i hate hurting people, i already hurt you and i hate that... yet we both keep everything we know and feel bottled up inside... why to protect one another? i think it just is hurting us even more
i do things to protect people all the time that instead end up hurting them...
its funny how strangers immediatly can pick up our flaws... i just met someone who already gets how when a conversation gets serious i immediatly talk less and im more confused... cuz im always afraid of how ill look or how im gonna screw something up again yet this complete stranger is able to just show me their heart and poor out everything... i cant
i show no emotions either like when someone shares something deep idk what to say... i wanna console them but how? i dont even get excited by things i should... i only get excited for stupid things like energy balls at concerts and yg and singing in the car... that MAKES NO SENSE!!!
yeah have you ever seen me cry? yeah i keep that outta the public like i can literally count on my hand the number of times people other than my family have seen me cry
the most recent cries:
adoration at steubie... man that was CRAZY! i think i like exploded from not being able to cry forever (thank you all the people that consoled me)sarsa thanks for the shoulder
my party...(thanks prize prize and plump plump for being there when i needed you) cuz someone i love is falling apart and that is literally the one relative that has been present for every momentous part of my life.. somehow even when we dont talk for yrs we end up talking to her right before one of my greatest memories and she comes and just her being there means the world to me
ive also realized some things that hurt me like people making promises they dont keep I HATE THAT!!! and i dont call people on it cuz i never know what to say... i just sit back and watch my life
so im sorry this isnt a normal funny one but funny hasnt been on my mind except for a little bit of labron and the girls cuz hey they always know how to be crazy and ive got some crazy cool memories thanks to all them people ICX5*4LIFE!!!
i keep my heart guarded up and locked... i dont let anything in and i dont let anything out, where has my femininity been? seriously reading this book is making me aware of so much most of us go through... once again here i go going off about people in general or something that happened... I NEVER TALK ABOUT ME!!! no one ever knows how i feel cuz i dont let anyone know... i just tell everyone what they wanna hear or take various angles on my life i let people see me from
once again a huge change is right infront of me and weeks away! and why am i keeping distant seriously i dont get it and im always CONFUSED! and why do i let myself be confused and no one explains anything to me cuz im always confused so they just leave it
another thing is i run from people.. you know who you are... i know when your gonna ask me something i dont wanna give you the answer "no" to cuz i dont wanna hurt you, i hate hurting people, i already hurt you and i hate that... yet we both keep everything we know and feel bottled up inside... why to protect one another? i think it just is hurting us even more
i do things to protect people all the time that instead end up hurting them...
its funny how strangers immediatly can pick up our flaws... i just met someone who already gets how when a conversation gets serious i immediatly talk less and im more confused... cuz im always afraid of how ill look or how im gonna screw something up again yet this complete stranger is able to just show me their heart and poor out everything... i cant
i show no emotions either like when someone shares something deep idk what to say... i wanna console them but how? i dont even get excited by things i should... i only get excited for stupid things like energy balls at concerts and yg and singing in the car... that MAKES NO SENSE!!!
yeah have you ever seen me cry? yeah i keep that outta the public like i can literally count on my hand the number of times people other than my family have seen me cry
the most recent cries:
adoration at steubie... man that was CRAZY! i think i like exploded from not being able to cry forever (thank you all the people that consoled me)sarsa thanks for the shoulder
my party...(thanks prize prize and plump plump for being there when i needed you) cuz someone i love is falling apart and that is literally the one relative that has been present for every momentous part of my life.. somehow even when we dont talk for yrs we end up talking to her right before one of my greatest memories and she comes and just her being there means the world to me
ive also realized some things that hurt me like people making promises they dont keep I HATE THAT!!! and i dont call people on it cuz i never know what to say... i just sit back and watch my life
so im sorry this isnt a normal funny one but funny hasnt been on my mind except for a little bit of labron and the girls cuz hey they always know how to be crazy and ive got some crazy cool memories thanks to all them people ICX5*4LIFE!!!