STEUBIE!!!
ok so im not one to really open up about feelings... maybe i should more often... idk yet but anyway im just gonna share a lil tid bit of my steubie experience this year
so i went to steubie trying to expect nothing that way i would get something... its dumb but kinda smart but as kristin said you desperately want something to happen and when it doesnt you get let down and are really dissapointed... you almost start to cry because you are numb to stuff
im gonna start with going up there... i have one regret... that is not introducing myself to st marys.. i know its dumb but that kind of stuff bugs me... i hated how we were like shunned last year and then we finally at the end of the trip met some cool people from st rose... sometimes we just gotta learn to conquer the fear and i did that last year on the way back and this year i really didnt and well thats not cool to share a bus and not talk to people...
im not saying i didnt try... i made some subtle attempts but no one would make eye contact with me but they sure were like why is this girl bouncing outta her seat? omg i just loved the guy that was their chaperones face lighting up when he was watching me go INSANE FOR GOD!!! and i did direct some questions to the kids but they basically ignored me and stuff and didnt really wanna be there so im like ok im stepping back... maybe on teh way home but i did like how all the parents talked to me about their concerns and how stuff works and well like looked up to me to show them the ropes and i loved how i was able to answer them and knew what i was talking about for once and ive got to say that when we all talked on teh bus on teh mic about our experience and the girl from immaculate said she didnt wanna be there well she was one of those people that literally you cant recognize cuz their face changes and she was a "YOUTH ON FIRE" for christ and i love watching that kind of stuff unfold before me like that kid tom in our group... i like subtle sometimes huge jumps people take and transform... its just amazing
as you can see i mostly sit back and watch the glory but this year i experienced it in a way i really cant explain to someone but im gonna try... its a deep down feeling you cant control.. you just have to be open to it and well i think for once i was as best as i could
so before adoration i went in just cleared from reconciliation... i loved going to that and for some reason seeing people you look up to do stuff just makes you feel a lot better... there was a reason i got outta the line for food and went to confession... i hadnt gone in months and wanted to go before adoration and sometimes well you just have to force yourself to do stuff.. sure i was hungry and it was a long line and i didnt wanna come back and be a "cutter" so i contemplated after rachel left by herself to go to confession and after she was no longer visible i go.. THATS IT IM GOING NOW AND RAN THERE! and i ended up cutting that line... im sorry strangers i cut but i just needed to talk to someone and it all worked out.. me and rachel were talking and all of a sudden i look up and i seee standing there all by her lonesome mrs keogler. well that to me was so cool... idk there is something about her that is really amazing.. i think its how shes so full of faith and willing to learn and everytime i see her she tells me something she is amazed to see... you know what it just clicked for me and i think you just noticed it.. we both like to get amazed by watching things so anyway she was a few people ahead of us...
we just said hi to her and for some reason i wanted to continue this conversation so i asked her how she was and suddenly teh girls in front of me and rachel who were waiting in this line for quite a while and talked to us and were cool just dropped outta line and went to get food after they had just told us how cool it was that they were missing the crazy lunch line to be there.. idk that was weird then this lady well this guy comes along and she realizes shed rather go with him then wait in line and then two others leave and next thing its just us and mrs keogler is right infront of us so we talked about a lot... and i guess it just made me reassured to go to confession and i later get into the tent and meet my priest doing confession and there is something about him that is really familiar.. maybe i know him? maybe he is the priest i heard several people talk about last year? hmmm
well this priest had those eyes people talked about at talks last year that just looked into your very soul... i poured out everything and was able to occassionally look at the ground but would look right into his eyes when i said my sins and well i did the whole ok say really common sins than drop the major one outta the bunch that way its like .... and this... well he went and picked apart every sin.. he forgot nothing and as im sitting here im still trying to figure out how i know this man... seriously this guy is so familiar and everywhere i went i saw him.. i even went to point out to sara him when we were in lunch line today and he turned and looked at me when i said the word confession.. he knew i was talking about him so i completely stopped talking froze and stared at his face once again and it was like he just went its ok and then turned around and joked around with some kids so i told sara and i dont remember what she said but i remember telling her "I KNOW I KNOW HIM!!!" seriously maybe hes liek that guy that everyone said had jesus' eyes last year but he said something to me about like he kinda knew what kinda person i was so said something about how i am without me really telling him anything about myself and im liek how do you know? and immediately when i freaked out cuz i hate being obviously a newbie at something (i didnt get to go to confession last year) well i freaked cuz i didnt know where we were supposed to say our penance he goes and i want you for penance to bring this to adoration tonight and he literally took the opposites of sins and told me to thank God for these people i felt i hurt and stuff and well i came outta the tent just raving about this experience to rachel and everyone... i really didnt get the clean slate feeling i used to get but it was almost something better.. itwas the feeling of being able to walk upright and knowing im ok and able to participate in stuff... so now onto adoration
for those of you who are like wth is adoration? well it is when jesus is present there in the host in the monstrance and it is one of the most splendid things to watch... ok i just realized ur prob like what is a host or a monstrance.. um JESUS IS THERE!!! ok hes always there but his very body is there.. whoa i just actually got that... anyway i get into adoration im like yay im cleared out from confession and this year im just gonna be like "GOD TAKE OVER!" but i really dont know what happened then... all i know is i was liek no not again! cuz at first i had no reaction at all and im like God this is not fair... what am i doing wrong? and hes like just focus on your problems and let them go... and so i did and i just kept focussing and hes like thats not the big one thats not it then BAM!!! i hit it and like a flood gate i just released all these tears welled up inside for years... some recent things but a lot was the past and some huge things in the present too.... anyway as most people know im not a crying in public kind of girl.. ok my fam knows i cry in movies but for some reason i cant do taht anymore.. idk why but yeah no one really sees me cry unless its major.. ie my aunt falling apart at my party and her being the closest relative to me on my dads side but we are kind of distant now and THAT KILLS!!! this was like the person who came to everything... ok this is random but i thought about this weeks ago not in adoration but sometimes you just find the link when you analyze stuff so anyway i realized i cared so much about what others thought that when i moved off long island i stopped doing my most passionate thing... ok ur gonna laugh... TWIRLING!!! i still can do some stuff but i miss those days and thats something i cant believe i ever quit like i quit almost everything else too... i hate being a quiter hence why i tell people not to quit and try not to anymore bc i know im missing something.. ok back to the story.. SHE WAS AT EVERY MAJOR MOMENT IN MY LIFE!!! she was the only one at my confirmation besides my cousins and my parents and siblings but we hadnt talked to her in years b4 then and suddenly we did right b4 that and then she came up for my grad party and she used to come to my fashion shows and concerts and stupid things and gave us easter egg hunts and horsey rides on her lap and now she cant do that.. ok crying moment... and it just kills... i mean i broke down at my own party just thinking about this and for those of you who were there i apologize for not being a better host and right after she left i wasnt myself anymore and i was just a blob and not my crazy self
so as you can see during adoration i tried to focus on jesus but these were the bottled things inside me blocking me from letting him in... i had to release it all and stop worrying and trust in God.. i brought him all my worries.. my fears.. my sorrows... all the things i tried to hate him for during the worst years of my life yet for some reason the more i tried to turn away from him those years i grew more faithful to him and that adoration i just was balling... sara grabbed me and i wouldnt let go... i couldnt and i was so loud but maybe its good to just publicly let it all out... eventually the tears you release to yourself maybe b4 you go to bed well they add up and sometime they just got to be officially let out and it affects your daily life too and ok i saw a person i care about hurting themself and just the blood and then immediatly the picture transformed to jesus' body and i saw the slashes all over his body pouring blood and just thinking these are my sins cutting right into him and stuff you do to yourself ok if you get anything out of my experience let me tell you right now hurting yourself because you dont know what to do it not only hurts you it has a huge huge hurt on those that care about you so in a way i can change that to jesus... by hurting ourselves and sinning we went and put those nails in him and the scourging too
i have never cried like that in my entire life and i didnt care who was watching... for once this conference i just went "God its me and you" im focussing on just that and well if someone thinks im wrong i dont care i shouldnt care what others think.. i shouldnt hold back cuz i cant sing for my life or dance... God gave me FIRE... i have to use it... i have to ignite those small fires in people and hope they spread like wild fire... we are the youth.. the future is in our hands..we have to stop sitting back and watching things take place.. GET UP AND STAND UP FOR THE INJUSTICE... ok the word injustice was in teh song im listening to lol and when i was crying well i hit that point where i just stopped... well sara did this first and im like huh? and then well i did but i was scared and liek ok people are gonna think i jsut faked my crying cuz omg they def could hear it so im like ok and started it back up again.
ok crying when people grab onto you you get this feeling like im going to be ok and well mrs harris started talking to me when she hugged me and we were crying and she started like helping me fight and telling me stuff that jesus was saying to me and i didnt know what to say so i kept saying thanks and stuff cuz shes jsut like "let go" and she kept saying stuff liek that so i said "ok" and i think it sounded like "i cant" lol so she like grabbed me harder and is like "come on you can do it!" and then the monstrance was coming around and sehs like hes comign hes here and then i jsut let go turned around and before she let go she said "tell him you love him" and so im like ok? yeah right! then im like just watching it go by and im just go "JESUS I LOVE YOU!" and i whispered it aloud but ok i was really scared to do that but let go so maybe she really was rigth.... ok that just clicked for me to.. man PUZZLE PIECES!! she didnt mean what i was struggling with she meant expressing my love for jesus in public cuz next thing you know im standing while everyone else is kneeling and im sobbing and my hands are in the air and ok if you know me thats def not me and in the begginning im like ok i know people prob are like what is this girl doing and watching me ie the keoglers... mr and mrs idk i was worried of what they thought of me cuz we were in front of them and idk i dont really trust people that are friends with my brother and sister so if i was a parent well i really wouldnt like anyone my kids are friends with ok so i just kept picturing all teh people i wanted to hang out with this weekend instead of focussing on God adn pictured them all there in front of me and idk i kept watching others to liek do what they were doing cuz idk i was afraid so for a reason we sat right infront of those very people... i was the front of our group for a reason
i had to do that and show even my brother my love for God! and those people whose opinions i was worried about... oh so those people i kept picturing well ok i put them in my mind and then put God behind them and just decided ok im gonna blur out these people, part the sea of people and focus on God and in a way i did... this weekend wasnt about hanging out with some friends you havent bonded with in a while.. theres plenty of time for that.. it was all about EXPERIENCING THE GLORY OF GOD!!! so God constantly tested me when isaid i was gonna do this for him he gave me perfectly easy and good opportunities to focus on teh guys in the tent or some cool tight friends i havent seen or really bonded with in a while... ok i told this to one person but since im opening up why not spill everything here was a huge test
ok so fri night i get outta the shower and go to the caf for food with some people and well ian bumps into me next thing i got a keg reunion going on talking to andrew and mr and mrs keg and it was so cool and so sat night im like hmmm i should do the same routine.. maybe bump into them again? so i take my quick shower and i get back to the tent and no one wants food so im like hmm well i gotta go to the bathroom anyway so i cut through the caf to go to the bathroom and well i see rodd and ernie adn they gave me a hug and well i guess i needed that cuz for some reason i thought they hated me or something cuz idk i just thought that but i know that everytime i see any one of the two i get a hug or a high five and they rock! anyway im like cool i went through this way for a reason so then on teh way back to the tent after my bathroom run im liek ok im only gonna go through the cafe cuz i dotn wanna go through the crowded dark outside and i knew id run into someone so ok i hear the security dude go ok "GO BACK TO TENTS, WE ARE CLOSING" so im like ok hmm last night i was late to curfew cuz i really was brushing my teeth unlike the little woods story sara liked to tell people about me, lauren, and some brothers we knew.. not priest brothers lol so i decide ok im gonna be ontime and just go straight to the tent but i see andrew and he starts to run to get more food and i can go run through people and go into the food line area to the left or i can go straigth to the path the tents are on so im like hmm and then im like ok he will always be there GOD IS SO RIGHT IN MY FACE THIS WEEKEND!!! so i jsut forced myself to walk straight and if you know me you know if i see someone i know i will totally just go out of my way to say hi unless they look really busy or idk i just get a vibe not to so i went to teh tent and funny thing is i havent talked to him since sat morning when i saw him in the breakfast line but you knwo what its good bc i started prioritizing little by little and maybe i can fix some stuff now gradually
ive realized how i put the little things that add up before the big stuff that is more important and well if we put God first where he belongs all the other stuff will fall in place... we just have to accept what God gives us... so maybe he takes away something or someone we love but replaces it with something better or teaches you a lesson like i know i learned something through the death of a person i guess i considered a friend but to this day im not reallysure... i was in a weird stage then in which i followd the crowd a lot... i started to gain popularity but i think i was still me there was that loving inside of me that if someone tries to touch me inside idk i just can become their friend and well i was kinda in this process of making this person into a friend.. he went from being the kid i would laugh about with to friends to a kid who would do funny stuff with me at my house with my fam... like ok this is my fave memory of him...when we played dress up and had a fashion show adn well we started hanging out a lot through our families and then we suddenly moved and i cant remember what i thougth of this kid when i moved but i do know this several months later i foudn out he was dead and i hadnt talked to anyone from that place for a while bc i really dont know why it was like we had to start over and cut off the past but i started to get into contact with friends and when i heard the news i felt bad cuz what did he think of me? was i his friend? was i a kid he just thought was a loser and hated? and i laughed at all the stories he would tell us on teh bus and a few good memories came to mind and then the 2 memories i have about me being mean to him did too... i was so confused and he taught me so much and i didnt understand how God could take someone so special away from here and then i just realized how blessed i was to know this person and ok a nun once told me people die when they teach you something so when a person dies i always try and think of things that they taught me and that one special thing that caused their death cuz it really taugth me something so with him i thought well faith... he certainly had it and did whatever he felt was right... so people made fun of him for being different and stuff but you know what he was real to himself... and that is the greatest gift ever so again my life is tieing together and well its all coming together right now which is so amazing
ok so i should wrap up cuz this is soooooo long! so i went crazy this weekend like planned but sometimes plans have to change and i think i was able to deal with change for once in my life... i made gradual changes... ok i like to make people laugh so i wanted to make a cool video about steubie but something this weekend was like take this more serious than that bc i was gonna have tons of stuff with a pic of gary in it and weird faces but this weekend wasnt about a movie or how many pictures i could possibly take
it was about me and God and nothing getting in between our relationship and well im ready for that step... ive cleaned out the "poop" im ready for a deeper relationship.. i put everythign out there i kept inside for so long and was like "God, here take them!" and i just dug up the past its like the first step is the hardest... maybe it was finding that trigger of the waterfall of tears in my heart or maybe it was just being able to realize my weaknesses and starting to attack them
i think i found my fears my hurts and just let go and said "do not be afraid" and realized so what people go that freak? but then i remembered something about last year and this year me and jess had discussed how attractive a godly person truely is... they just glow and everyone wants a piece of their energy and love and well just seeing someone stand out there and ignore everything going on around them and to just focus on themself and God and that is the most attractive quality ever.. so what if its embarassing its witnessing love... so gradually i feel im taking those steps... ok that person is crazy hardcore and i think every girl knows the guy im talking about lol but anyway teh point is why should i fear being like this if it only makes you stronger and more attractive... when vicka said to us how mary has been talking about us worrying about beauty on the outside i def think she means that... look at myself for instance ok i used to tell people wow if i was fat i wouldnt care bc im not gonna change how i eat bc why give up something like food you love so you can be skinny? and then i started gaining wait and im liek hmmm and i stopped saying that and then well ok my skin got really clear last year and im like and well it was always pretty clear anyway i was always liek eww why do people care about what they look like and im like eww no makeup then ok my face starts going crazy and even this weekend it went nuts but it all happens for a reason bc ok if your gonna say something you gotta mean it and well it doesnt matter about our appearance... its all about whats inside and everyone always says that but we all know seriously who means that? sure we all would like to but then stuff happens and we go um no actually i do care so maybe we all should take a step back and analyze ourselves
so this weekend i fell deeply in love with our savior LORD JESUS CHRIST!!! and i let God just take control... things happen for a reason.. he has a plan for me thats bigger than this and maybe i should just let him take the reigns sit back and enjoy the show for once, stop worrying and live in peace and maybe start preaching more and gaining more knowledge of catholicism and our beliefs cuz im constantly put on stand and challenged and i like challenges... so my challenge is to go out of my comfort zone... go on a new adventure to FUS but before that i got stuff here too... we have to face reality... that conference was not about escaping our world and just living in a bubble.. it was about igniting a fire in our soul from experiencing God's glory and then going on and spreading that fire or maybe just keeping our own fire burning and not sharing it just yet but just building it up pretty strong first
ok so for some reason im going off in all different directions here and i have no clue how to end this so ok i have been talking to a bunch of people tonight that randomly told me stuff and i just realized something again... this is like a huge revelation time for me and well we all got pins that say "you are loved" and im one of those people who if we got something handed to us has to keep it and well like maybe i wont wear it but has to keep everything and never would share like if someone lost their pin i would be like oh well um i dont have another to share but i know im loved and others dont know they are loved out there and maybe if we each just gave out our pin to someone who was struggling right now and they are even oh man ok i just thought of two people who need my pin and i got one and ok well ill face that fact later so anyway just we got to give up stuff sometimes
today we heard javier on the bus ride home tell us all to take up a cause and fight for it and well sarsa came up with a great idea for me to give him my bracelet... ok if we didnt have more at church i never would have done that... i have a special attachment to that idk it was mine and i twisted it.. it was worn it.. there are lil specs of steubie dirt in the writing on it and me and the priest i said confession to both wore that bracelet and talked about that bracelet in common but maybe we all have to sacrifice sometimes... sara sacrificed music... her favorite part to save us good seats while ok i was probably like in some trance moving about 5 mph... im really sorry sara but ok she did that and i love soulveniers but its time to seek something better... you dont get far by keeping everythign to yourself.. sharing is one of the best gifts besides FORGIVENESS! so here i go im challenging all of the attendees of teh conference to give up their pin to someone in need of it UNLESS you feel you need it yourself as a constent reminder to fight your battle which is even braver i think and more important than giving it up... as a friend once pointed out sometimes you just have to stop worrying about others and trying to fix peoples problems and work on your own and be a little selfish.. just think if we are all fixed then we can HELP others to fight their problems... we cant solve them for them but we can be support... ok im out!
so i went to steubie trying to expect nothing that way i would get something... its dumb but kinda smart but as kristin said you desperately want something to happen and when it doesnt you get let down and are really dissapointed... you almost start to cry because you are numb to stuff
im gonna start with going up there... i have one regret... that is not introducing myself to st marys.. i know its dumb but that kind of stuff bugs me... i hated how we were like shunned last year and then we finally at the end of the trip met some cool people from st rose... sometimes we just gotta learn to conquer the fear and i did that last year on the way back and this year i really didnt and well thats not cool to share a bus and not talk to people...
im not saying i didnt try... i made some subtle attempts but no one would make eye contact with me but they sure were like why is this girl bouncing outta her seat? omg i just loved the guy that was their chaperones face lighting up when he was watching me go INSANE FOR GOD!!! and i did direct some questions to the kids but they basically ignored me and stuff and didnt really wanna be there so im like ok im stepping back... maybe on teh way home but i did like how all the parents talked to me about their concerns and how stuff works and well like looked up to me to show them the ropes and i loved how i was able to answer them and knew what i was talking about for once and ive got to say that when we all talked on teh bus on teh mic about our experience and the girl from immaculate said she didnt wanna be there well she was one of those people that literally you cant recognize cuz their face changes and she was a "YOUTH ON FIRE" for christ and i love watching that kind of stuff unfold before me like that kid tom in our group... i like subtle sometimes huge jumps people take and transform... its just amazing
as you can see i mostly sit back and watch the glory but this year i experienced it in a way i really cant explain to someone but im gonna try... its a deep down feeling you cant control.. you just have to be open to it and well i think for once i was as best as i could
so before adoration i went in just cleared from reconciliation... i loved going to that and for some reason seeing people you look up to do stuff just makes you feel a lot better... there was a reason i got outta the line for food and went to confession... i hadnt gone in months and wanted to go before adoration and sometimes well you just have to force yourself to do stuff.. sure i was hungry and it was a long line and i didnt wanna come back and be a "cutter" so i contemplated after rachel left by herself to go to confession and after she was no longer visible i go.. THATS IT IM GOING NOW AND RAN THERE! and i ended up cutting that line... im sorry strangers i cut but i just needed to talk to someone and it all worked out.. me and rachel were talking and all of a sudden i look up and i seee standing there all by her lonesome mrs keogler. well that to me was so cool... idk there is something about her that is really amazing.. i think its how shes so full of faith and willing to learn and everytime i see her she tells me something she is amazed to see... you know what it just clicked for me and i think you just noticed it.. we both like to get amazed by watching things so anyway she was a few people ahead of us...
we just said hi to her and for some reason i wanted to continue this conversation so i asked her how she was and suddenly teh girls in front of me and rachel who were waiting in this line for quite a while and talked to us and were cool just dropped outta line and went to get food after they had just told us how cool it was that they were missing the crazy lunch line to be there.. idk that was weird then this lady well this guy comes along and she realizes shed rather go with him then wait in line and then two others leave and next thing its just us and mrs keogler is right infront of us so we talked about a lot... and i guess it just made me reassured to go to confession and i later get into the tent and meet my priest doing confession and there is something about him that is really familiar.. maybe i know him? maybe he is the priest i heard several people talk about last year? hmmm
well this priest had those eyes people talked about at talks last year that just looked into your very soul... i poured out everything and was able to occassionally look at the ground but would look right into his eyes when i said my sins and well i did the whole ok say really common sins than drop the major one outta the bunch that way its like .... and this... well he went and picked apart every sin.. he forgot nothing and as im sitting here im still trying to figure out how i know this man... seriously this guy is so familiar and everywhere i went i saw him.. i even went to point out to sara him when we were in lunch line today and he turned and looked at me when i said the word confession.. he knew i was talking about him so i completely stopped talking froze and stared at his face once again and it was like he just went its ok and then turned around and joked around with some kids so i told sara and i dont remember what she said but i remember telling her "I KNOW I KNOW HIM!!!" seriously maybe hes liek that guy that everyone said had jesus' eyes last year but he said something to me about like he kinda knew what kinda person i was so said something about how i am without me really telling him anything about myself and im liek how do you know? and immediately when i freaked out cuz i hate being obviously a newbie at something (i didnt get to go to confession last year) well i freaked cuz i didnt know where we were supposed to say our penance he goes and i want you for penance to bring this to adoration tonight and he literally took the opposites of sins and told me to thank God for these people i felt i hurt and stuff and well i came outta the tent just raving about this experience to rachel and everyone... i really didnt get the clean slate feeling i used to get but it was almost something better.. itwas the feeling of being able to walk upright and knowing im ok and able to participate in stuff... so now onto adoration
for those of you who are like wth is adoration? well it is when jesus is present there in the host in the monstrance and it is one of the most splendid things to watch... ok i just realized ur prob like what is a host or a monstrance.. um JESUS IS THERE!!! ok hes always there but his very body is there.. whoa i just actually got that... anyway i get into adoration im like yay im cleared out from confession and this year im just gonna be like "GOD TAKE OVER!" but i really dont know what happened then... all i know is i was liek no not again! cuz at first i had no reaction at all and im like God this is not fair... what am i doing wrong? and hes like just focus on your problems and let them go... and so i did and i just kept focussing and hes like thats not the big one thats not it then BAM!!! i hit it and like a flood gate i just released all these tears welled up inside for years... some recent things but a lot was the past and some huge things in the present too.... anyway as most people know im not a crying in public kind of girl.. ok my fam knows i cry in movies but for some reason i cant do taht anymore.. idk why but yeah no one really sees me cry unless its major.. ie my aunt falling apart at my party and her being the closest relative to me on my dads side but we are kind of distant now and THAT KILLS!!! this was like the person who came to everything... ok this is random but i thought about this weeks ago not in adoration but sometimes you just find the link when you analyze stuff so anyway i realized i cared so much about what others thought that when i moved off long island i stopped doing my most passionate thing... ok ur gonna laugh... TWIRLING!!! i still can do some stuff but i miss those days and thats something i cant believe i ever quit like i quit almost everything else too... i hate being a quiter hence why i tell people not to quit and try not to anymore bc i know im missing something.. ok back to the story.. SHE WAS AT EVERY MAJOR MOMENT IN MY LIFE!!! she was the only one at my confirmation besides my cousins and my parents and siblings but we hadnt talked to her in years b4 then and suddenly we did right b4 that and then she came up for my grad party and she used to come to my fashion shows and concerts and stupid things and gave us easter egg hunts and horsey rides on her lap and now she cant do that.. ok crying moment... and it just kills... i mean i broke down at my own party just thinking about this and for those of you who were there i apologize for not being a better host and right after she left i wasnt myself anymore and i was just a blob and not my crazy self
so as you can see during adoration i tried to focus on jesus but these were the bottled things inside me blocking me from letting him in... i had to release it all and stop worrying and trust in God.. i brought him all my worries.. my fears.. my sorrows... all the things i tried to hate him for during the worst years of my life yet for some reason the more i tried to turn away from him those years i grew more faithful to him and that adoration i just was balling... sara grabbed me and i wouldnt let go... i couldnt and i was so loud but maybe its good to just publicly let it all out... eventually the tears you release to yourself maybe b4 you go to bed well they add up and sometime they just got to be officially let out and it affects your daily life too and ok i saw a person i care about hurting themself and just the blood and then immediatly the picture transformed to jesus' body and i saw the slashes all over his body pouring blood and just thinking these are my sins cutting right into him and stuff you do to yourself ok if you get anything out of my experience let me tell you right now hurting yourself because you dont know what to do it not only hurts you it has a huge huge hurt on those that care about you so in a way i can change that to jesus... by hurting ourselves and sinning we went and put those nails in him and the scourging too
i have never cried like that in my entire life and i didnt care who was watching... for once this conference i just went "God its me and you" im focussing on just that and well if someone thinks im wrong i dont care i shouldnt care what others think.. i shouldnt hold back cuz i cant sing for my life or dance... God gave me FIRE... i have to use it... i have to ignite those small fires in people and hope they spread like wild fire... we are the youth.. the future is in our hands..we have to stop sitting back and watching things take place.. GET UP AND STAND UP FOR THE INJUSTICE... ok the word injustice was in teh song im listening to lol and when i was crying well i hit that point where i just stopped... well sara did this first and im like huh? and then well i did but i was scared and liek ok people are gonna think i jsut faked my crying cuz omg they def could hear it so im like ok and started it back up again.
ok crying when people grab onto you you get this feeling like im going to be ok and well mrs harris started talking to me when she hugged me and we were crying and she started like helping me fight and telling me stuff that jesus was saying to me and i didnt know what to say so i kept saying thanks and stuff cuz shes jsut like "let go" and she kept saying stuff liek that so i said "ok" and i think it sounded like "i cant" lol so she like grabbed me harder and is like "come on you can do it!" and then the monstrance was coming around and sehs like hes comign hes here and then i jsut let go turned around and before she let go she said "tell him you love him" and so im like ok? yeah right! then im like just watching it go by and im just go "JESUS I LOVE YOU!" and i whispered it aloud but ok i was really scared to do that but let go so maybe she really was rigth.... ok that just clicked for me to.. man PUZZLE PIECES!! she didnt mean what i was struggling with she meant expressing my love for jesus in public cuz next thing you know im standing while everyone else is kneeling and im sobbing and my hands are in the air and ok if you know me thats def not me and in the begginning im like ok i know people prob are like what is this girl doing and watching me ie the keoglers... mr and mrs idk i was worried of what they thought of me cuz we were in front of them and idk i dont really trust people that are friends with my brother and sister so if i was a parent well i really wouldnt like anyone my kids are friends with ok so i just kept picturing all teh people i wanted to hang out with this weekend instead of focussing on God adn pictured them all there in front of me and idk i kept watching others to liek do what they were doing cuz idk i was afraid so for a reason we sat right infront of those very people... i was the front of our group for a reason
i had to do that and show even my brother my love for God! and those people whose opinions i was worried about... oh so those people i kept picturing well ok i put them in my mind and then put God behind them and just decided ok im gonna blur out these people, part the sea of people and focus on God and in a way i did... this weekend wasnt about hanging out with some friends you havent bonded with in a while.. theres plenty of time for that.. it was all about EXPERIENCING THE GLORY OF GOD!!! so God constantly tested me when isaid i was gonna do this for him he gave me perfectly easy and good opportunities to focus on teh guys in the tent or some cool tight friends i havent seen or really bonded with in a while... ok i told this to one person but since im opening up why not spill everything here was a huge test
ok so fri night i get outta the shower and go to the caf for food with some people and well ian bumps into me next thing i got a keg reunion going on talking to andrew and mr and mrs keg and it was so cool and so sat night im like hmmm i should do the same routine.. maybe bump into them again? so i take my quick shower and i get back to the tent and no one wants food so im like hmm well i gotta go to the bathroom anyway so i cut through the caf to go to the bathroom and well i see rodd and ernie adn they gave me a hug and well i guess i needed that cuz for some reason i thought they hated me or something cuz idk i just thought that but i know that everytime i see any one of the two i get a hug or a high five and they rock! anyway im like cool i went through this way for a reason so then on teh way back to the tent after my bathroom run im liek ok im only gonna go through the cafe cuz i dotn wanna go through the crowded dark outside and i knew id run into someone so ok i hear the security dude go ok "GO BACK TO TENTS, WE ARE CLOSING" so im like ok hmm last night i was late to curfew cuz i really was brushing my teeth unlike the little woods story sara liked to tell people about me, lauren, and some brothers we knew.. not priest brothers lol so i decide ok im gonna be ontime and just go straight to the tent but i see andrew and he starts to run to get more food and i can go run through people and go into the food line area to the left or i can go straigth to the path the tents are on so im like hmm and then im like ok he will always be there GOD IS SO RIGHT IN MY FACE THIS WEEKEND!!! so i jsut forced myself to walk straight and if you know me you know if i see someone i know i will totally just go out of my way to say hi unless they look really busy or idk i just get a vibe not to so i went to teh tent and funny thing is i havent talked to him since sat morning when i saw him in the breakfast line but you knwo what its good bc i started prioritizing little by little and maybe i can fix some stuff now gradually
ive realized how i put the little things that add up before the big stuff that is more important and well if we put God first where he belongs all the other stuff will fall in place... we just have to accept what God gives us... so maybe he takes away something or someone we love but replaces it with something better or teaches you a lesson like i know i learned something through the death of a person i guess i considered a friend but to this day im not reallysure... i was in a weird stage then in which i followd the crowd a lot... i started to gain popularity but i think i was still me there was that loving inside of me that if someone tries to touch me inside idk i just can become their friend and well i was kinda in this process of making this person into a friend.. he went from being the kid i would laugh about with to friends to a kid who would do funny stuff with me at my house with my fam... like ok this is my fave memory of him...when we played dress up and had a fashion show adn well we started hanging out a lot through our families and then we suddenly moved and i cant remember what i thougth of this kid when i moved but i do know this several months later i foudn out he was dead and i hadnt talked to anyone from that place for a while bc i really dont know why it was like we had to start over and cut off the past but i started to get into contact with friends and when i heard the news i felt bad cuz what did he think of me? was i his friend? was i a kid he just thought was a loser and hated? and i laughed at all the stories he would tell us on teh bus and a few good memories came to mind and then the 2 memories i have about me being mean to him did too... i was so confused and he taught me so much and i didnt understand how God could take someone so special away from here and then i just realized how blessed i was to know this person and ok a nun once told me people die when they teach you something so when a person dies i always try and think of things that they taught me and that one special thing that caused their death cuz it really taugth me something so with him i thought well faith... he certainly had it and did whatever he felt was right... so people made fun of him for being different and stuff but you know what he was real to himself... and that is the greatest gift ever so again my life is tieing together and well its all coming together right now which is so amazing
ok so i should wrap up cuz this is soooooo long! so i went crazy this weekend like planned but sometimes plans have to change and i think i was able to deal with change for once in my life... i made gradual changes... ok i like to make people laugh so i wanted to make a cool video about steubie but something this weekend was like take this more serious than that bc i was gonna have tons of stuff with a pic of gary in it and weird faces but this weekend wasnt about a movie or how many pictures i could possibly take
it was about me and God and nothing getting in between our relationship and well im ready for that step... ive cleaned out the "poop" im ready for a deeper relationship.. i put everythign out there i kept inside for so long and was like "God, here take them!" and i just dug up the past its like the first step is the hardest... maybe it was finding that trigger of the waterfall of tears in my heart or maybe it was just being able to realize my weaknesses and starting to attack them
i think i found my fears my hurts and just let go and said "do not be afraid" and realized so what people go that freak? but then i remembered something about last year and this year me and jess had discussed how attractive a godly person truely is... they just glow and everyone wants a piece of their energy and love and well just seeing someone stand out there and ignore everything going on around them and to just focus on themself and God and that is the most attractive quality ever.. so what if its embarassing its witnessing love... so gradually i feel im taking those steps... ok that person is crazy hardcore and i think every girl knows the guy im talking about lol but anyway teh point is why should i fear being like this if it only makes you stronger and more attractive... when vicka said to us how mary has been talking about us worrying about beauty on the outside i def think she means that... look at myself for instance ok i used to tell people wow if i was fat i wouldnt care bc im not gonna change how i eat bc why give up something like food you love so you can be skinny? and then i started gaining wait and im liek hmmm and i stopped saying that and then well ok my skin got really clear last year and im like and well it was always pretty clear anyway i was always liek eww why do people care about what they look like and im like eww no makeup then ok my face starts going crazy and even this weekend it went nuts but it all happens for a reason bc ok if your gonna say something you gotta mean it and well it doesnt matter about our appearance... its all about whats inside and everyone always says that but we all know seriously who means that? sure we all would like to but then stuff happens and we go um no actually i do care so maybe we all should take a step back and analyze ourselves
so this weekend i fell deeply in love with our savior LORD JESUS CHRIST!!! and i let God just take control... things happen for a reason.. he has a plan for me thats bigger than this and maybe i should just let him take the reigns sit back and enjoy the show for once, stop worrying and live in peace and maybe start preaching more and gaining more knowledge of catholicism and our beliefs cuz im constantly put on stand and challenged and i like challenges... so my challenge is to go out of my comfort zone... go on a new adventure to FUS but before that i got stuff here too... we have to face reality... that conference was not about escaping our world and just living in a bubble.. it was about igniting a fire in our soul from experiencing God's glory and then going on and spreading that fire or maybe just keeping our own fire burning and not sharing it just yet but just building it up pretty strong first
ok so for some reason im going off in all different directions here and i have no clue how to end this so ok i have been talking to a bunch of people tonight that randomly told me stuff and i just realized something again... this is like a huge revelation time for me and well we all got pins that say "you are loved" and im one of those people who if we got something handed to us has to keep it and well like maybe i wont wear it but has to keep everything and never would share like if someone lost their pin i would be like oh well um i dont have another to share but i know im loved and others dont know they are loved out there and maybe if we each just gave out our pin to someone who was struggling right now and they are even oh man ok i just thought of two people who need my pin and i got one and ok well ill face that fact later so anyway just we got to give up stuff sometimes
today we heard javier on the bus ride home tell us all to take up a cause and fight for it and well sarsa came up with a great idea for me to give him my bracelet... ok if we didnt have more at church i never would have done that... i have a special attachment to that idk it was mine and i twisted it.. it was worn it.. there are lil specs of steubie dirt in the writing on it and me and the priest i said confession to both wore that bracelet and talked about that bracelet in common but maybe we all have to sacrifice sometimes... sara sacrificed music... her favorite part to save us good seats while ok i was probably like in some trance moving about 5 mph... im really sorry sara but ok she did that and i love soulveniers but its time to seek something better... you dont get far by keeping everythign to yourself.. sharing is one of the best gifts besides FORGIVENESS! so here i go im challenging all of the attendees of teh conference to give up their pin to someone in need of it UNLESS you feel you need it yourself as a constent reminder to fight your battle which is even braver i think and more important than giving it up... as a friend once pointed out sometimes you just have to stop worrying about others and trying to fix peoples problems and work on your own and be a little selfish.. just think if we are all fixed then we can HELP others to fight their problems... we cant solve them for them but we can be support... ok im out!