5th January, John/Brian, CTS Studios (recording overdubs for the film`The Beatles at Shea stadium')

[writejohnlennon]

We were having a break. A much needed break, if you ask me. Recording overdubs what not was I preferred to do, just like pretending to sing in video clips. It all seemed so stupid and superficial. Granted, it was useful, so the people who'd buy this bloody movie can ear something, but nevertheless, it was extraordinarily tedious. I snorted thinking

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[writejohnlennon]

I half opened my mouth to retort something biting at his comment, the words getting stuck in my throat when he looked up and stared at me with intent eyes. For a few seconds, I didn't know what to say. I should have felt offended, but after all, he was pretty right. I opted for a non committal shrug, my temper brightening at what he added. "Did you just said I was charming?" I asked, genuinely raising my brows in wonder.

[misterepstein]

I watched him, not entirely sure what he expected or wanted me to say. The smallest implication could upset him, though I'd meant nothing by it. I knew better than to expect anything from my mouth would be taken as innocent. "I shouldn't think that comes as a surprise to you."

[writejohnlennon]

My smile grew broader. I didn't know what I made of this yet, but I liked it. "I know, hearing thousands of teenage girls scream my name could have reassured me about the matter, but somehow, from you, it's quite not the same," I mused. I wasn't really offended or shocked. I'd grown up a bit, too, since I'd be disgusted by Brian's confession of his sexual preferences. This meant I was somewhat fine with it, but still on the edge enough to make me curious and even pushy about it.

[misterepstein]

"Possibly. The volume is certainly not the same," I said calmly, despite the fact that I did not feel particularly calm.

[writejohnlennon]

I snorted a bit, before looking for his eyes in the semi darkness. "You know this isn't what I meant." I considered him. "Am I making you uncomfortable? You should be used to this kind of situations..." I raised a teasing eyebrow. I wasn't sure of what I was actually doing, but I didn't even want to think about it.

[misterepstein]

I took a moment to answer, even though I knew precisely what I wanted to say. There were repercussions, though. I tried to force my mind to go through them before I actually spoke.

Somehow, the words came out anyway, "From you, it's not the same."

[writejohnlennon]

I looked at him for a while, keeping my face unreadable and hard. I knew Brian... fancied me, (God, this seemed wrong, even when all I did was thinking about it), and I was ok with it. Kinda. I also knew I was being cruel with him, dangling in front of him what he could never have. Maybe I relished the power, I suddenly thought. The power this gave me upon this almighty men who ruled our careers. "Why is that?" I asked with a sigh. I was disgusting.

[misterepstein]

I kept my eyes on him for a moment before looking away. There was only so long I enjoyed sustaining the game, though it was always tempting to keep playing. "I have a plane to catch, and you have work to do."

[writejohnlennon]

I smiled appreciatively. "Is this your way to tell me to fuck off, Mr. Epstein?" And maybe this was what I wanted, I realized. To make him snap, to make him break down and loose his oh-so-precious control. To make him feel as insecure as I actually was.

[misterepstein]

"No," I said calmly, knowing he was baiting me. Though I wasn't sure why." "This is my way of reminding you of the practical realities of the situation, which you tend to only remember once it is too late."

[writejohnlennon]

My anger rose suddenly. This was getting wrong. Very, very wrong. And it'd only get worse. If I'd been a reasonable man, I'd have left the matter and let him go. I've never been reasonable. "What does it take, Brian?" I hissed through clenched teeth. "What will it take to make you loose your fucking temper? Tell me. I'd be quite happy to see you snap. At. Least." I glared at him through narrowed eyes.

[misterepstein]

I looked at him, furrowing my brow dubiously. "Why do you want me to lose my temper? What good do you think that would do?"

[writejohnlennon]

"Well, it'd prove that you're fucking human, for a change." I snarled. "And not that perfectly invulnerable, after all."

[misterepstein]

"You know that I'm not invulnerable," I said carefully, fairly confident that John was already far beyond reason. "Why must I prove it?"

[writejohnlennon]

A nasty smile spread my thin lips. "Ya wouldn't be able to do it anyway. We both know you don't have the guts to do anything that could endanger your precious little self control." I shoved him, slamming his shoulder on the wall rather roughly. I wanted him to loose temper. I think I *needed* it at this point. "C'mon Epstein, I'm being a jerk. Do something, scream, hit me, anything!" I knew I was getting out of control. And I didn't fucking cared.

[misterepstein]

I tightened my jaw before answering, rolling my now sore shoulder. "Much preferable that I should throw a tantrum like a petulant child when I don't have my way, I suppose."