I don't even know why I'm still trying... - 133
LET ME START BY reminding you that you don't have to read this... I'm really upset and I can't imagine you're going to like what you read but just know I'm doing this 90% because it makes me feel better... YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
This song just came on randomly on my itunes.... and I have to admit I'm fucking crying my ass off right now ;_:
[Huh!]
All of my friends--
They're not my friends,
A knife in the back,
Felt it again,
What did I do?
Was it so wrong?
Used to fit in,
Now I don't belong,
I think somebody loved me once,
I think somebody loved me once,
I think somebody loved me once,
But I cannot remember why,
My confidence is stuck in my throat,
When you lay blame,
I'm your scapegoat,
Ears burning red,
I heard what you said,
You smile at my face,
But you wish I was dead,
I think somebody loved me once,
I think somebody loved me once,
I think somebody loved me once,
But I cannot remember why,
[Wow!]
I think somebody loved me once,
I think somebody loved me once,
I think somebody loved me once,
But I cannot remember,
I think somebody loved me once,
I think somebody loved me once,
I think somebody loved me once,
But I cannot remember why.
[Why!]
"I think somebody loved me once" -Reel Big Fish
I feel like a fucking manic depressant... It fucking sucks.
I guess most people can't really tell when they're depressed but I'm such an up and lively character that when I'm down I notice it and everyone around me notices too. The worst part? I can't fucking do anything about it!! I've been really depressed since the second half of last week I sum it up to a swirl of things that all aren't going well right now in my home life. I do keep getting out of the funk though (twice through reading, and then yesterday through my friend calling me and talking to me for an hour! -> thanks btw you saved my night, whenever you get your computer back and can read this ;P ) But it doesn't help I crawl my way out of the funk just to fall deeper into it the next day :\ But today more than ever I can centeralize why I feel like shit.
Lets back up a few days... all weekend sucked, nothing went according to plan and just an all around blue Dan, to the point I'm really starting to worry my parents... but yesterday I really wasn't looking forward to hanging out with my friends here, let's just say we haven't been seeing eye to eye and sadly its probablly mostly my fault. But just before I went to hang out I got a random phone call from my friend Laura who probablly was killing her own boredom more than anything but regardless really made my night. We talked for almost an hour and she really cheered me up. After I hung up with her I decided to go hang out with my local friends and try and make the best of it. When I got there they were all glued to individual glowing screens and could hardly look up... like I said I decided to make the best of it the best way I know how... by making fun of them constantly and cracking jokes left and right... basically I probablly was pissing off a few people but by that point I decided I didn't care... and all for the better too I actually had the most fun I had with the guys that I've had in a while... We even played a rpg game that I actually enjoyed and we stopped at a logical stopping point (which is almost too much to ask for sometimes) and I had an all together great night, went home went for a walk and then got back and watched horror movies with tea until I couldn't keep my eyes open any more... I woke up late the next day (today) and I kept the good mood started the day off right listening to reggae and went to this used book store this moring that I just heard about and found a couple of the books I've been looking for for dirt cheap, I then spent the day reading with two promised interviews today at two seperate places. Then I did the usual business of getting prepped up nice shoes and a Tie and everything and I wen't off to my interviews wistleing and with the "this job is mine" attitiude I ususally carry... and then tragedy strikes and both fucking jobs cancel on me. So I go from happy with two interviews in front of me to FUCK THIS SHIT I didn't even get a single interview. And thus the angry blog and the tears and all this fucking bullshit. SO yeah I can say that regardless I know the one thing thats really been eating me lately... FUCKING JOB HUNTING. Let's put this in perspective for you, basically for the last month and a half I've been job hunting (both in San Jose and in So Cal.) and I'm such a positive guy that every interview and every place I walk into with the attitude that this is mine, no problem and wouldn't you know because of the economy and everything else I get shot down left and right and it takes a really strong man for that not to hurt you personally. I've done pretty well up to this week but I really thing its starting to hurt me deep down and that sickens me. I've wasted half my summer already job hunting... with nothing to show for it. I could have spent all those hours drawing and be 8 times better than I am now. And wether you like it or not or if you belive it or now I'm a very religious person and I can't help but ask "why God?" at times like this... Some of you know one thing I really hate is giving up... on anything really. But at this point I don't know if I should just give up now with half my summer wasted or just keep fighting hoping something is going to work out (with a lot more let downs ahead of me) like I've been doing? Everything happens for a reason I really believe that but sometimes that reason is REALLY hard to grasp and God it hurts. Last time I can remember being really down and hating it (over a girl of course) my friend Kira said in kind of an off hand comment that its good that I get really down once in a while, that way I can be so bright the rest of the time. I still ponder about this. I just sit and thing about all this swirling and in the end I just end up hating myself.
Huh... "fuck all you mother fuckers, fuck you." - another all too fitting song.... I don't fucking understand you God.
As for now... I don't know... I'd like to take a week (at least) just to draw and do nothing else but who's to say that's not just going to get me down more? Fuck this hurts so much right now, I'm just gonna sit here and pray and think for a while... I just don't know right now... Hopefully my next blog is a lot "brighter" and not this depressing, we'll see...
I'm sorry...
shit.