ill-illusion
September 15, 2006
9:17PM
Music: Asleep By Dawn compilation #2 [Industrial], VNV Nation
James, give me your strength. Please... I need a gorgeous daydream of yours to fill my head with sunshine. A glint of joy or pleasure amidst this overwhelming anxiousness and illusion of being alone. Caught in the cycle of feeling useless unless I'm making money or spending time with someone I hold dear. Worthless.
I want to write again, write as you do, as I used to moreso. I just need a direction. I need to find beauty, something outside myself. I need to get away. I need to use it as therapy when I get like this and all I can think about is how I feel I want someone to somehow validate myself. I don't want to admit this is the case, but it seems so. I am overly needy. Or if it isn't to validate myself, then to distract from discomfort. I'm not balanced. I feel you are my balance, on all levels. I love who I am when I'm with you. I have to figure out how to utalize but not take advantage of or abuse what you give me. I know you said you'd always be there for me, and that you want us to share our lives together one day, but I don't want to run the risk of you changing your mind or drive you off with my current state.
Even now as I write this, I imagine you consoling my doubt and stating otherwise, but I don't find it totally out of the question somehow. I imagine you holding me to your chest while rocking back and forth, my head cradled in your hand, reassuring me. "Shhhhhhhhhh......"
Somehow even the image, the illusion, is a comfort.
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1:21AM
It's crummy to see that a lot of what I've been using this journal for these days is whining and attempting to make sense of or get through negative feelings. I'll try my best to do otherwise in the entries that follow. Life isn't all bad, it's just what I've chosen to write about to get it out there as a sort of personal therapy. I must make a greater effort to record more lighthearted moments. I feel I've missed out on relaying so much as it is from both this and last year.
I feel a lot calmer now for whatever reason, but I still miss you. I feel disconnected. :\ 3 or 4 days with no word of anything makes me anxious, though I'm fairly certain you're just fine. If it's time away you need, it's yours. Am I trying to live vicariously through you? Eh.... nah. That's not it. I'm just eager to know what's going on in your life because you are immeasurably precious to me.
Is this an unhealthy obsession? It is said "there is a fine line between love and obsession", but what exactly does that mean?
I can't stop talking about him to anyone who will listen. He is my greatest joy, my wildest passion. He is in everything around me.
I want your incredible hugs. Cuddles. :\ Ones only you can give. I hope you are well and happy, wherever paths have led you. I love you, honey.
9:17PM
Music: Asleep By Dawn compilation #2 [Industrial], VNV Nation
James, give me your strength. Please... I need a gorgeous daydream of yours to fill my head with sunshine. A glint of joy or pleasure amidst this overwhelming anxiousness and illusion of being alone. Caught in the cycle of feeling useless unless I'm making money or spending time with someone I hold dear. Worthless.
I want to write again, write as you do, as I used to moreso. I just need a direction. I need to find beauty, something outside myself. I need to get away. I need to use it as therapy when I get like this and all I can think about is how I feel I want someone to somehow validate myself. I don't want to admit this is the case, but it seems so. I am overly needy. Or if it isn't to validate myself, then to distract from discomfort. I'm not balanced. I feel you are my balance, on all levels. I love who I am when I'm with you. I have to figure out how to utalize but not take advantage of or abuse what you give me. I know you said you'd always be there for me, and that you want us to share our lives together one day, but I don't want to run the risk of you changing your mind or drive you off with my current state.
Even now as I write this, I imagine you consoling my doubt and stating otherwise, but I don't find it totally out of the question somehow. I imagine you holding me to your chest while rocking back and forth, my head cradled in your hand, reassuring me. "Shhhhhhhhhh......"
Somehow even the image, the illusion, is a comfort.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1:21AM
It's crummy to see that a lot of what I've been using this journal for these days is whining and attempting to make sense of or get through negative feelings. I'll try my best to do otherwise in the entries that follow. Life isn't all bad, it's just what I've chosen to write about to get it out there as a sort of personal therapy. I must make a greater effort to record more lighthearted moments. I feel I've missed out on relaying so much as it is from both this and last year.
I feel a lot calmer now for whatever reason, but I still miss you. I feel disconnected. :\ 3 or 4 days with no word of anything makes me anxious, though I'm fairly certain you're just fine. If it's time away you need, it's yours. Am I trying to live vicariously through you? Eh.... nah. That's not it. I'm just eager to know what's going on in your life because you are immeasurably precious to me.
Is this an unhealthy obsession? It is said "there is a fine line between love and obsession", but what exactly does that mean?
I can't stop talking about him to anyone who will listen. He is my greatest joy, my wildest passion. He is in everything around me.
I want your incredible hugs. Cuddles. :\ Ones only you can give. I hope you are well and happy, wherever paths have led you. I love you, honey.