Mental dump
I feel so shitty right now. I can't seem to shake it. I feel today that though I've spoken with you more than once] over the phone, our conversations were ... lacking in some reguard. You're so surrounded in all that you have to do this weekend in getting moved and such, that when we talked, it felt rushed. brief. cut. hurried, though listening just as you always have. I know you love me, I never question that really. I want to do everything I can to respect you. It's hard when that means leaving you alone. I want so desperately just to hold you. We don't have to do anything. It's hard to accept I have to stay put. I love you. I want you. I _need_ you. I can't distract myself long enough before it comes back to me again and I lack that fire, that oomph, some spark that you love about me. It's so dull and clouded, I don't know how to regain it without pestering you. Or is that spark ... is it found in yourself, or something else entirely? I wish I knew what to do. I feel I am of little use to anyone at the moment, though that may or may not realistically be true. I am too self-absorbed. I need some dstraction. Some happy, delightful thing, place, state of mind, or person to bring me out of this funk. I know it isn't healthy. I feel isolated. I can't come and go as freely as I please quite as easily as before, and so I feel trapped and insecure. I don't want to wait and wait and wait months and months to earn back the money I owe. I just want to leave. I love my family, I do. I swear. I'm just tired of "my house, my rules" every day. I'm not saying they're overbearing tyrants or anything. Hardly. I just want to be me. Without judgement. Without being "diagnosed". "Something's wrong with you. This isn't normal. I think you're Manic. I'm not saying you're Manic Depressive, but it must be something." Especially now since Beverly is home. Even though she is, it doesn't feel like my little friend has returned, but merely taken a different shape I find difficult to accept quite as readily as before. Why must I be surrounded by people who are mentally unbalanced, while dad struggles to find his own way about things? He deserves a better life, and I can't do anything to change that. Not...really... Supportive, yes. But to help him find true happiness in light of all he's done, all he's been for this family in time... it seems a too far gone dream with no means of being reached. The only thing I can really do is try to find my own way in supporting myself and making him proud. Still, I even fail continuously in that.
Damn.
Almost 25, and where has the time gone?
I feel like such a loser. Were I younger and thought of myself at this age, I don't think I would envision what I am now. Deeply in debt, still taking the first thing available as far as employment goes. I lack responsibility, motivation, proper judgement that sometimes should be quite apparent as it is to others, punctuality and proper time management, and the maturity in balancing all these things [with possible other issues I've failed to mention]. I've struggled with these things for _years_. You would think after awhile/long enough I might have learned.
It's come to the end of the line. This is it. I'm tired of making lousy exuses that bear little to no meaning behind them. Excuses don't count, results do. "Actions speak louder than words", cliche, but true. After awhile, mere words fall on deaf ears. If I continue as I am now, eventually, everyone will tire of me and wish nothing more than to turn away. They may not, because they care about me, but the last thing I wish to be is a burden.
If I really want all I say I do, I need to conquer these hinderances and take control. No one can do it for me.
The skeptic in me says these are just more lousy words and that I'll let these judgements fall to the wayside. I guess time will tell.
I am monsterously anxious, somewhat moody, and in need of feeling I am of use to someone. I am looking forward to seeing if I can make a difference starting Monday, at my new job, if everything goes as I hope.
Damn.
Almost 25, and where has the time gone?
I feel like such a loser. Were I younger and thought of myself at this age, I don't think I would envision what I am now. Deeply in debt, still taking the first thing available as far as employment goes. I lack responsibility, motivation, proper judgement that sometimes should be quite apparent as it is to others, punctuality and proper time management, and the maturity in balancing all these things [with possible other issues I've failed to mention]. I've struggled with these things for _years_. You would think after awhile/long enough I might have learned.
It's come to the end of the line. This is it. I'm tired of making lousy exuses that bear little to no meaning behind them. Excuses don't count, results do. "Actions speak louder than words", cliche, but true. After awhile, mere words fall on deaf ears. If I continue as I am now, eventually, everyone will tire of me and wish nothing more than to turn away. They may not, because they care about me, but the last thing I wish to be is a burden.
If I really want all I say I do, I need to conquer these hinderances and take control. No one can do it for me.
The skeptic in me says these are just more lousy words and that I'll let these judgements fall to the wayside. I guess time will tell.
I am monsterously anxious, somewhat moody, and in need of feeling I am of use to someone. I am looking forward to seeing if I can make a difference starting Monday, at my new job, if everything goes as I hope.