Where am I going? What do I want for me? Who will be there to share in my journey?
Time and circumstance have shown me a lot in the last few years. I believe it's only coming to a head now, pushing me more prominently towards a more forward, independent direction. While guided and supported by loved ones, it isn't enough to sit back and go along for the ride, giving of yourself to them every chance you get to show your appreciation. You have to show you can be your own person by making your way in the world, seeing what can be done to always advance yourself just a little further each day while focusing on a career path of some variety. And I suppose that's as it should be. It's what we're taught from early on. But I've still yet to fully embrace this fact. I don't entirely know why. You would think it would be something I truly wanted for myself, even long before now. I think I've just been so into looking after others while enjoying their company that I've lost sight of my own personal ambitions, and that seemed ok for awhile. Not so much anymore. I have to show that I have the ability to be a great deal more self-sufficient, without relying so heavily on others all the time. Not that relying on others is a bad thing, but there are some who would feel that after awhile, they feel "taken advantage of", which was absolutely never my intention, but the result is the same. Give because you want to and your love for someone is unconditional, not because you expect something in return for good deeds. That was my mode of thinking, anyway. It would be nice, but I don't expect anything. That's not why I extend a hand to begin with. I can't say I understand or relate with the idea of being taken advantage of, because my mind just doesn't work like that in my own dealings with other people. The quote, "The world owes you nothing, it was here first," comes to mind.
I think more than that, I tend to feel taken for granted at times, due to a person's inactivity in my life and thoughtless, negatively whimsical behavior. I'm sure there's a better terminology for it somewhere. What is it they call it, a "del-may-care" attitude?
In any case, this week, I plan to make it my strongest focus in getting out there and finding reasonably gainful employment to the fullest extent. Now with the aide of free bus passes compliments of Jacob's Ladder, I don't feel near as hopeless as before in this becoming an eventual reality. They have also helped me in beefing up my resume, giving me mock interviews to help me feel more prepared for what to expect, as well as what to and what not to say to be considered for hire. I have received professional attire, and been guided as to what does and does not work in an attempt to "dress for success". Starting Monday, I have no conceivable reason why I shouldn't go for it, short of self-belief from being kicked down so many times. Just gotta go with it and keep walking on, head held high. (I feel like I'm giving myself a pep-talk here)
Writing all this out is all well and good, but only as good as the actions taken to make things happen. I can hear my mom in that last comment. I guess dad, too. I know I came from a good family, with a good set of morals and values. I have a reasonable amount of belief in myself, enough to get by, but still remain humble. It gets really difficult sometimes, but it's my family that truly keeps me going because my greatest desire is to make them proud of my achievements. Dad often worries about his life being worth anything if his daughters have not found their life path, which he was the one to begin in the first place and nurture as needed. I want so deeply to show/acknowledge how much I appreciate and love him by being the best person I know I can be, and emulate said morals and values I have been empowered with.
I want to become more a person of my word and not just someone who appears flighty and non-committal. Mom always said, "pray what you preach", and I couldn't agree more. As I get older, this becomes more and more important to me. I would like to be able to be someone you can depend on, expecting the same.
While for now, I'm living on my own with assistance from a dear and caring friend, I need more out of life. I am far from satisfied, and need something to call my own I can be proud of. I have the genuine desire to build my life with a loved one at my side, whether it be someone from my past, or someone totally new I have yet to meet. I know I have a lot of growing to do towards building that firm foundation in myself so I am better able to be there for others, but I hope that they whom I have loved will accept me where I am while continuing to be there if I need a bit of love and support along the way. I would make a strong, unyielding pact to do the very same. I truly hope this is understood.
I'll be 29 this year, come August 17th, 2010. Almost 30. Hard to believe, though after 21, it feels as just another number to tack onto another year passed. Kind of surreal. I don't pretend to know what the future will bring, but I have got to "get my head out of my butt" (thanks NWSA CIS) and make an impact. "Gonna make a change," (Michael Jackson) hopefully for the better. No turning back. Only I can make it happen. (Again with the pep talk e_e;) Have to find my "Centre". My balance. My primary focus.
I want to become a butterfly.
I think more than that, I tend to feel taken for granted at times, due to a person's inactivity in my life and thoughtless, negatively whimsical behavior. I'm sure there's a better terminology for it somewhere. What is it they call it, a "del-may-care" attitude?
In any case, this week, I plan to make it my strongest focus in getting out there and finding reasonably gainful employment to the fullest extent. Now with the aide of free bus passes compliments of Jacob's Ladder, I don't feel near as hopeless as before in this becoming an eventual reality. They have also helped me in beefing up my resume, giving me mock interviews to help me feel more prepared for what to expect, as well as what to and what not to say to be considered for hire. I have received professional attire, and been guided as to what does and does not work in an attempt to "dress for success". Starting Monday, I have no conceivable reason why I shouldn't go for it, short of self-belief from being kicked down so many times. Just gotta go with it and keep walking on, head held high. (I feel like I'm giving myself a pep-talk here)
Writing all this out is all well and good, but only as good as the actions taken to make things happen. I can hear my mom in that last comment. I guess dad, too. I know I came from a good family, with a good set of morals and values. I have a reasonable amount of belief in myself, enough to get by, but still remain humble. It gets really difficult sometimes, but it's my family that truly keeps me going because my greatest desire is to make them proud of my achievements. Dad often worries about his life being worth anything if his daughters have not found their life path, which he was the one to begin in the first place and nurture as needed. I want so deeply to show/acknowledge how much I appreciate and love him by being the best person I know I can be, and emulate said morals and values I have been empowered with.
I want to become more a person of my word and not just someone who appears flighty and non-committal. Mom always said, "pray what you preach", and I couldn't agree more. As I get older, this becomes more and more important to me. I would like to be able to be someone you can depend on, expecting the same.
While for now, I'm living on my own with assistance from a dear and caring friend, I need more out of life. I am far from satisfied, and need something to call my own I can be proud of. I have the genuine desire to build my life with a loved one at my side, whether it be someone from my past, or someone totally new I have yet to meet. I know I have a lot of growing to do towards building that firm foundation in myself so I am better able to be there for others, but I hope that they whom I have loved will accept me where I am while continuing to be there if I need a bit of love and support along the way. I would make a strong, unyielding pact to do the very same. I truly hope this is understood.
I'll be 29 this year, come August 17th, 2010. Almost 30. Hard to believe, though after 21, it feels as just another number to tack onto another year passed. Kind of surreal. I don't pretend to know what the future will bring, but I have got to "get my head out of my butt" (thanks NWSA CIS) and make an impact. "Gonna make a change," (Michael Jackson) hopefully for the better. No turning back. Only I can make it happen. (Again with the pep talk e_e;) Have to find my "Centre". My balance. My primary focus.
I want to become a butterfly.