FB: James, feeling lost in life-may be at a turning point of renewal!
Me
harroooo~!
1:52amJames
hello
1:52amMe
how ya doin' there, handsome?
you feelin' any better?
1:53amJames
kinda good. Just don't wanna go in tomrrow. I shouldn't think that way, but I really need a break
I'll see about putting in some vacation time tomrrow
1:53amMe
aww...would you like anything?
sounds like a good idea :3:3 You work really hard most of the time. It's best to have a break to refresh yourself every now and then
1:54amJames
yes, I'm fdeeling better, and no thanks, I don't need anything just now
Just going to rest in a moment
1:55amMe
well, I didn't mean right now necissarily, just at all, really.
1:55amJames
Heh, no thank you, but I appricate the offer
1:55amMe
no worries :3:3
<3<3!
hmmm, you don't quite sound like yourself.
1:57amJames
Tired.
1:57amMe
oh well, here's hoping that a nice rest will do you well for the day ahead. Can't you sleep? Is there anything else buggin' you?
1:58amJames
Not really. Just a vauge feeling of baloh. It will pass. Just got home after some dubiously entertaining roleplay. Lot's of laughs, but it feels lacking somehow
1:58amMe
aww..! lacking how do you think?
1:59amJames
Like, i feel a hunger these days. For depth. For beauty. For life and sensation. I don't know that Roleplay fills that need the same way it once did
2:01amMe
hmmm. :\:\ Maybe. Or maybe you haven't found a group that fills your specific needs. But exploring sensation, life, and beauty is above all else something to be greatly treasured and highly prized
what kinds of beauty, depth, "sensation", or life are you looking for, or do you knoiw?
2:03amJames
Anything to make me feel alive
2:04amMe
gots any ideas? ^___^
2:04amJames
Something to move me. Knowledge and creation. Reading and learning new things, building new relationships with new people, and stepping out of my comfort zones to be a fuller human being.
2:04amMe
I dig it
2:05amJames
New hobbies, new lessons, new places and people to explore. Music, in all things where it can exist, and new things. Things that make me feel like the years of my life are passing full instead of being wasted.
2:06amMe
what makes you feel it's being wasted? :(:(
music is a big one!
2:08amJames is offline.
2:14amJames is online.
2:14amJames
I graduated when I was 23. I've done next to nothing with that in three years. I'll be 27 in under 3 months. What have I done with the 'best years' of my life?
I'll tell you. I've worked my ass off.
I haven't been able to understand that my life, being alive and enjoying the unique experience that being me truly is, is more more important than putting my nose to the grindstone. I stopped building relationships with my family and friends, chasing my dreams, and creating, because I lost touch with what it meant, or if it mattered.
2:17amJames
Now, I feel like it's a hole in me, and I have to fill it. I'm impatient with work, time spent at home, video games, roleplay, and so many of the things that used to define who I was and what I did in my leisure. I have to fill it up.
2:19amJames
It probably sounds silly to say all of this. I should be thankful, entriely, fro what I have and for what I've been able to do. But I'm so eager to keep living and doing more. I feel like I have to make up for lost time, and utterly immerse myself in things like this. I feel honestly as though I've done soemthing wrong somewhere. Watching Orange Days, with Kai, Sai, and even Shohei following their eccentric dreams and living life fully, made me wonder if I've missed something
2:20amJames
Shohei, womanizing asshole, becomes a real character. You come to understand why he substituates superficial affection for love throught he story, and Akane brings him out of it. He goes off to become a photographer, follwing his dreams, and taking trips to tibet to take pictures. He becomes someone I really love
2:22amJames
Kai is inspriing throwing away a great job oppurtunity to do what he really feels rewards him. Sae even moreso, overcoming her deafness to continue to work as a musician, all becuase it makes her feel like her life is actually being lived. What makes my lfie feel that way is writing, and experiencing things that uplift me. But I stopped doing them for so long, just as Sae gave up on music.
2:23amJames
So, I've been depressed and stupid. I want to break out, but I'm not entriely certain how, becuase I do not know quite what I need to feel to fill that hunger.
2:25amJames
It's a nice romantic story, Orange Days. But as I watch it, I remind myself that it is fiction, at its core. I have to rely on myself to get out of this rut, and can't very well wait for someone to inspire me or help me. Rather, I feel I need to be the one inspiring and assisting others.
2:26amMe
It's not entirely stupid, honey. I understand where you're coming from. I've had bouts of that myself every now and then, the worry of getting older and finding my direction, my passion, what drives me, what I want to do or have to make life most fulfilling for myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm all used up or worth much anymore, but then I come out of it and realize I just need to do something else to get myself out of my funk, that I'm blessed with those dear to me I'm surrounded by, and I'll make it somehow
mmhm!
but it's still beautiful in its own way
2:28amJames
Yeah. Maybe that's my problem. I want to believe these fantasy genres. I want to believ that people are there to help, to inspire, to uplift. The more I learn, the less I believe it. Work pisses me off. I asked for help today from a pair of ladies that were standing there chatting. They pointed to someone else in the room and then started talking to eachtoher about what the hell I was thinking asking for help.
It's all on me. I can't seem to swallow it or see a different truth.
2:29amMe
geez... I don't know how you seem to find these people.
honestly, it's only a half-truth
putting that level of pressure on yourself isn't healthy
maybe you've cut yourself off for so long, that's what makes you feel so greatly that it's "all on you"
putting that level of pressure on yourself isn't healthy
making it more difficult to accept help from others
2:30amJames
They're black. It's just the culture. You do it yourself. Asking for help, apologies, admissions of guilt: it's all a form of weakness, so they avoid it.
2:31amMe
ah well, they're a very proud race
always feel like they have something they've gotta prove
not always in a good way
2:32amJames
They are. It's just culture shock for me. I'm used to working together. I never expected that I'd be met with snarky people who were willing to do the bare minimum to get by, who were impolite when you did something not in their way of thinking, being bossy and unforgiving, and utterly unhelpful.
2:33amMe
it happens sometimes. I don't think you realize just what a breath of fresh air you were, always looking to help and give when you could to show your love and appreciation.
it was just your nature (send as a message)
Your chat message wasn't sent because James is offline.
so to see this from others is...well...odd (send as a message)
Your chat message wasn't sent because James is offline.
2:34amJames is online.
2:34amJames
I asked Vikki yesterday when she would be back form her lunch break. "Why!?" seh barked. "Just wondering, so I won't ask while you're on break." Didn't answer me. I figure she thougth I was tyrin to take advantage
Whatever. I'll do it myself.
2:34amMe
:\:\
maybe she was just having a rough day?
2:35amJames
No. That's just how Vikki is. Everyday is like that.
2:35amMe
suck
2:35amJames
It's okay. I just need to adjust my thinking. No sense in being babied any longer, ne?
2:36amMe
well...just don't let your people skills rely solely on those you deal with at work to overtake your sense of how EVERYTHING works
you have a bad habit of doing that
nothing is "just one way"
2:38amJames
While my family has helped me quite a bit with certain things over the years, not much past that has taught me to think differently than this, to be honest. When moving, Shrry and Co bailed last minute, and were grateful I didn't need them. No worries. I didn't, after all.
2:39amMe
eh, they just pile too much on themselves.
2:39amJames
Time and time again, little things like that have built up. Honestly, I don't know how to rely on others. It seems like it's a facade. Like, they don't really want to help you, they'd just do it to earn a favor or not look bad. No, Sherry and Co piled too much on them selves AFTER thay had agreed to help me.
2:39amMe
lots going on there
oh. well, I mean they have a lot to juggle in life I mean. I dunno. They did help us last time though
2:41amJames
So, yeah, this is a theme in my life. Has been for a while, and it keeps getting reinforced. Other than God and Family, I'm not sure where to turn if I need help. I just need to get to a point where I can do for myself. Last time? Oh yeah. But they had an interest in getting us moved to their property after all.
I'm being melancholy. Sorry abotu that
2:42amMe
I suppose, but it was still good of them.
2:42amJames
Let's talk about Puppies!
2:42amMe
haha! I like kitties better! Did you see my cute pictures on livejournal?
2:42amJames
No I didn't. I don't usually click the links of Facebook becuas the connection is so fragile anyhow
I'll see them in time
2:43amMe
aw..
it's ok, they just made me so happy! Only 2 or 3 wks old, completely adorable!
I thought maybe it would bring you some joy as well
it's ok, they just made me so happy! Only 2 or 3 wks old, completely adorable!
2:44amJames
haha!
2:45amMe
hey sweetie? I know you're going through a good bit right now... um... would you fancy a snuggle? I just wanna cheer ya up. huggies
2:46amMe
I don't really know what else I can say of use that I haven't already, but I know when I'm in a funk and words aren't there, snugs with you really brighten me back to my old self.
so I thought maybe...the same might go for you
2:47amJames
I appricate it, but no thank you. Not tonight, at any rate. I have to be up early
You're sweet to offer, though
2:48amMe
o.Oo.O I won't keep you up, I swear it. I just don't want you to feel depressed.
I know how important it is for you to be up
2:49amJames
This is the kind of problem that, while not the most enjoyable, is still a difficulty I'm happy to be facing at last! Don't worry about me being depressed. It won't stop me from doing what I neeed to do, or living life the way I want to! I'm happy, just ponderful
2:50amMe
hmm...I hope so. But you know I'm here for you in any way you need me to be, always. Please don't forget that, even at your worst. I do hope you find whatever it is you are looking for. And I'll give it my best too!
2:50amJames
hehe, I hope you do! Good luck in it!
I need to rest now, okee! Lot's of love
2:50amMe
thankya! My Jacob's Ladder classes start next wk on the 7th!
woohoo!
2:51amJames
Yeyyy!
2:51amMe
I could kiss you right now.
I love you so much, James.
Do sleep well, sweetness.
2:51amJames
I shall! You as well!
Night night!
2:52amMe
gniiiight! flop!
harroooo~!
1:52amJames
hello
1:52amMe
how ya doin' there, handsome?
you feelin' any better?
1:53amJames
kinda good. Just don't wanna go in tomrrow. I shouldn't think that way, but I really need a break
I'll see about putting in some vacation time tomrrow
1:53amMe
aww...would you like anything?
sounds like a good idea :3:3 You work really hard most of the time. It's best to have a break to refresh yourself every now and then
1:54amJames
yes, I'm fdeeling better, and no thanks, I don't need anything just now
Just going to rest in a moment
1:55amMe
well, I didn't mean right now necissarily, just at all, really.
1:55amJames
Heh, no thank you, but I appricate the offer
1:55amMe
no worries :3:3
<3<3!
hmmm, you don't quite sound like yourself.
1:57amJames
Tired.
1:57amMe
oh well, here's hoping that a nice rest will do you well for the day ahead. Can't you sleep? Is there anything else buggin' you?
1:58amJames
Not really. Just a vauge feeling of baloh. It will pass. Just got home after some dubiously entertaining roleplay. Lot's of laughs, but it feels lacking somehow
1:58amMe
aww..! lacking how do you think?
1:59amJames
Like, i feel a hunger these days. For depth. For beauty. For life and sensation. I don't know that Roleplay fills that need the same way it once did
2:01amMe
hmmm. :\:\ Maybe. Or maybe you haven't found a group that fills your specific needs. But exploring sensation, life, and beauty is above all else something to be greatly treasured and highly prized
what kinds of beauty, depth, "sensation", or life are you looking for, or do you knoiw?
2:03amJames
Anything to make me feel alive
2:04amMe
gots any ideas? ^___^
2:04amJames
Something to move me. Knowledge and creation. Reading and learning new things, building new relationships with new people, and stepping out of my comfort zones to be a fuller human being.
2:04amMe
I dig it
2:05amJames
New hobbies, new lessons, new places and people to explore. Music, in all things where it can exist, and new things. Things that make me feel like the years of my life are passing full instead of being wasted.
2:06amMe
what makes you feel it's being wasted? :(:(
music is a big one!
2:08amJames is offline.
2:14amJames is online.
2:14amJames
I graduated when I was 23. I've done next to nothing with that in three years. I'll be 27 in under 3 months. What have I done with the 'best years' of my life?
I'll tell you. I've worked my ass off.
I haven't been able to understand that my life, being alive and enjoying the unique experience that being me truly is, is more more important than putting my nose to the grindstone. I stopped building relationships with my family and friends, chasing my dreams, and creating, because I lost touch with what it meant, or if it mattered.
2:17amJames
Now, I feel like it's a hole in me, and I have to fill it. I'm impatient with work, time spent at home, video games, roleplay, and so many of the things that used to define who I was and what I did in my leisure. I have to fill it up.
2:19amJames
It probably sounds silly to say all of this. I should be thankful, entriely, fro what I have and for what I've been able to do. But I'm so eager to keep living and doing more. I feel like I have to make up for lost time, and utterly immerse myself in things like this. I feel honestly as though I've done soemthing wrong somewhere. Watching Orange Days, with Kai, Sai, and even Shohei following their eccentric dreams and living life fully, made me wonder if I've missed something
2:20amJames
Shohei, womanizing asshole, becomes a real character. You come to understand why he substituates superficial affection for love throught he story, and Akane brings him out of it. He goes off to become a photographer, follwing his dreams, and taking trips to tibet to take pictures. He becomes someone I really love
2:22amJames
Kai is inspriing throwing away a great job oppurtunity to do what he really feels rewards him. Sae even moreso, overcoming her deafness to continue to work as a musician, all becuase it makes her feel like her life is actually being lived. What makes my lfie feel that way is writing, and experiencing things that uplift me. But I stopped doing them for so long, just as Sae gave up on music.
2:23amJames
So, I've been depressed and stupid. I want to break out, but I'm not entriely certain how, becuase I do not know quite what I need to feel to fill that hunger.
2:25amJames
It's a nice romantic story, Orange Days. But as I watch it, I remind myself that it is fiction, at its core. I have to rely on myself to get out of this rut, and can't very well wait for someone to inspire me or help me. Rather, I feel I need to be the one inspiring and assisting others.
2:26amMe
It's not entirely stupid, honey. I understand where you're coming from. I've had bouts of that myself every now and then, the worry of getting older and finding my direction, my passion, what drives me, what I want to do or have to make life most fulfilling for myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm all used up or worth much anymore, but then I come out of it and realize I just need to do something else to get myself out of my funk, that I'm blessed with those dear to me I'm surrounded by, and I'll make it somehow
mmhm!
but it's still beautiful in its own way
2:28amJames
Yeah. Maybe that's my problem. I want to believe these fantasy genres. I want to believ that people are there to help, to inspire, to uplift. The more I learn, the less I believe it. Work pisses me off. I asked for help today from a pair of ladies that were standing there chatting. They pointed to someone else in the room and then started talking to eachtoher about what the hell I was thinking asking for help.
It's all on me. I can't seem to swallow it or see a different truth.
2:29amMe
geez... I don't know how you seem to find these people.
honestly, it's only a half-truth
putting that level of pressure on yourself isn't healthy
maybe you've cut yourself off for so long, that's what makes you feel so greatly that it's "all on you"
putting that level of pressure on yourself isn't healthy
making it more difficult to accept help from others
2:30amJames
They're black. It's just the culture. You do it yourself. Asking for help, apologies, admissions of guilt: it's all a form of weakness, so they avoid it.
2:31amMe
ah well, they're a very proud race
always feel like they have something they've gotta prove
not always in a good way
2:32amJames
They are. It's just culture shock for me. I'm used to working together. I never expected that I'd be met with snarky people who were willing to do the bare minimum to get by, who were impolite when you did something not in their way of thinking, being bossy and unforgiving, and utterly unhelpful.
2:33amMe
it happens sometimes. I don't think you realize just what a breath of fresh air you were, always looking to help and give when you could to show your love and appreciation.
it was just your nature (send as a message)
Your chat message wasn't sent because James is offline.
so to see this from others is...well...odd (send as a message)
Your chat message wasn't sent because James is offline.
2:34amJames is online.
2:34amJames
I asked Vikki yesterday when she would be back form her lunch break. "Why!?" seh barked. "Just wondering, so I won't ask while you're on break." Didn't answer me. I figure she thougth I was tyrin to take advantage
Whatever. I'll do it myself.
2:34amMe
:\:\
maybe she was just having a rough day?
2:35amJames
No. That's just how Vikki is. Everyday is like that.
2:35amMe
suck
2:35amJames
It's okay. I just need to adjust my thinking. No sense in being babied any longer, ne?
2:36amMe
well...just don't let your people skills rely solely on those you deal with at work to overtake your sense of how EVERYTHING works
you have a bad habit of doing that
nothing is "just one way"
2:38amJames
While my family has helped me quite a bit with certain things over the years, not much past that has taught me to think differently than this, to be honest. When moving, Shrry and Co bailed last minute, and were grateful I didn't need them. No worries. I didn't, after all.
2:39amMe
eh, they just pile too much on themselves.
2:39amJames
Time and time again, little things like that have built up. Honestly, I don't know how to rely on others. It seems like it's a facade. Like, they don't really want to help you, they'd just do it to earn a favor or not look bad. No, Sherry and Co piled too much on them selves AFTER thay had agreed to help me.
2:39amMe
lots going on there
oh. well, I mean they have a lot to juggle in life I mean. I dunno. They did help us last time though
2:41amJames
So, yeah, this is a theme in my life. Has been for a while, and it keeps getting reinforced. Other than God and Family, I'm not sure where to turn if I need help. I just need to get to a point where I can do for myself. Last time? Oh yeah. But they had an interest in getting us moved to their property after all.
I'm being melancholy. Sorry abotu that
2:42amMe
I suppose, but it was still good of them.
2:42amJames
Let's talk about Puppies!
2:42amMe
haha! I like kitties better! Did you see my cute pictures on livejournal?
2:42amJames
No I didn't. I don't usually click the links of Facebook becuas the connection is so fragile anyhow
I'll see them in time
2:43amMe
aw..
it's ok, they just made me so happy! Only 2 or 3 wks old, completely adorable!
I thought maybe it would bring you some joy as well
it's ok, they just made me so happy! Only 2 or 3 wks old, completely adorable!
2:44amJames
haha!
2:45amMe
hey sweetie? I know you're going through a good bit right now... um... would you fancy a snuggle? I just wanna cheer ya up. huggies
2:46amMe
I don't really know what else I can say of use that I haven't already, but I know when I'm in a funk and words aren't there, snugs with you really brighten me back to my old self.
so I thought maybe...the same might go for you
2:47amJames
I appricate it, but no thank you. Not tonight, at any rate. I have to be up early
You're sweet to offer, though
2:48amMe
o.Oo.O I won't keep you up, I swear it. I just don't want you to feel depressed.
I know how important it is for you to be up
2:49amJames
This is the kind of problem that, while not the most enjoyable, is still a difficulty I'm happy to be facing at last! Don't worry about me being depressed. It won't stop me from doing what I neeed to do, or living life the way I want to! I'm happy, just ponderful
2:50amMe
hmm...I hope so. But you know I'm here for you in any way you need me to be, always. Please don't forget that, even at your worst. I do hope you find whatever it is you are looking for. And I'll give it my best too!
2:50amJames
hehe, I hope you do! Good luck in it!
I need to rest now, okee! Lot's of love
2:50amMe
thankya! My Jacob's Ladder classes start next wk on the 7th!
woohoo!
2:51amJames
Yeyyy!
2:51amMe
I could kiss you right now.
I love you so much, James.
Do sleep well, sweetness.
2:51amJames
I shall! You as well!
Night night!
2:52amMe
gniiiight! flop!