The rain (again)
So today is just one of those days. I feel like the whole world is about to fall apart around me and I'm about to die just from the anticipation of it. A good example was the weather today, the whole day the ominous clouds of a storm hung overhead just waiting to pour out rain upon the earth, but it never did. Sure it sprinkles for a minute at a time but the suspense was never peaked, it just kept you on the edge of your seat with no end. Even at the end of my twelve-hour workday, I just wanted it to end and pour it mountains of water down on me. The rest of my day/week has been more of the same. I feel as if I sit on the edge of a cliff just waiting for someone to push me over or drag me back, but all they do is push me closer. So much so that the fear of the edge is so mind numbing I almost want to greet it and embrace the plummet. The people that I relied on in the past to bring me back are no longer there. I just wish the rain would fall and engulf me, soak me to my bones, and let me drown in this fate I have created for myself. My nerves are fried, my muscles sore from tension, my body tired out. I won’t go into the details of my problems but just know that I feel drained, as if I poured out every drop of myself into something just to see it collapse. Not that it is gone, just that it has fallen down and must be completely rebuilt. Trust is the biggest issue I think, I put too much trust in things to always be there (not just people) and feel like people don't have enough trust in me. They didn't trust my resolve, my intuition, and they didn’t trust me to make a competent decision that was right for everyone, not just for me. In the end they didn’t trust me to be just who I am, as if they were scared of me, that I wasn’t the person they really wanted so they had to make me into something I’m not, and when that didn’t work they just pushed me aside to ignore and used me how they wished. I realize that I am rambling now but that is the beautiful thing about writing. I get the opportunity to say what is on my mind in every way I can think of and none of it matters until I press post. By the way, it just started raining.