Dear Diary
Dear Diary,
I have something on my heart. This something has been on my heart for a little over a year now.
This something, is a person, a person that I have loved, a person that I still love, a person that I will continue to love.
This person means more to me, than they are willing to accept, but this person, that I love so much, has somehow vanished.
Little, by little, the person that I used to know, used to love, has turned into someone that I no longer recognize as themself.
Over the past several months, I have noticed a change. Not only in them, but in myself also. I found that the way I used to view the world, view people, God, everything in my life, was changing. I was "growing up", as some would call it, but I would say that it was more like removing the "beer goggles" from my life, and by "beer goggles" I mean, that I was drunk on what the world had to offer me. What people had to offer, friends, boyfriends, money, whatever it may be, it was fogging the view that I had of my life. I wouldnt say that I was living a "bad" life, what I would say, is that I was refusing to see what was right in front me. No, Im not talking about a problem with myself, Im not talking about not seeking God, because I know that there is nothing wrong with me, and I was, and still am seeking God, I am talking about completely ignoring all the signs that something was wrong in someone elses life.
This person, whom I loved, was slowly changing. They were being very distant from everyone. They were being very "not themself". I knew that they were different, but I was focusing on what was going on around me. The problems going on in my life. I was so caught up in the worldly problems that were going on all around me, that I was too afraid to tell them that I was worried about them. I was too afraid to tell them, that I loved them, that I was here if they needed to talk, that I wanted to talk to them again, that I missed them so much. But in my lack of strength, I never told them, at least not when it was the right time. Now, this person, has completely changed. They are not only a different person, but they have totally killed the person that they used to be, the person that I loved, the person that so many other people loved as well. The friends that they used to have are confused, as well as I am, and wonder why this happened. I am not in any way taking resposibility for what happened, but I do wonder that if I had acted differently, if it would have made a difference.
The thing that is bothering me the most, is not that I lost a dear friend of mine, my best friend, but that they are going down the wrong path. They feel that they are going down the path that they should be, but there are so many signs that they are wrong, and no matter how hard I try, I cant seem to change their mind. Every night, I dream of them, I dream that they are in some kind of trouble, or that they are missing. I find myself thinking of them all the time. The thoughts never cease. Ever. I cant help but wonder why they are so strong in my mind, maybe its just myself missing them. Maybe its just Satan trying to get to me, to make me sad. But maybe, maybe its not, I cant help but wonder if its God. God telling me to pray for them, telling me to help them. I dont know what or why. I am so troubled by this. I pray for them every day. I pray that God will bring them back...but only if it is His will. I know that I cant wish for something that isnt in Gods perfect plan. But I pray that God will show me. Show me why, what, who, how. That God will give me the strength.
I love this person still. I try to look past the present, and I look to the future, and pray that they will come back. Whether we are friends again, or not, I simply want them to go down the right path. To do what is the will of God. To bring back the person that was so motivated, so real, so amazing. I miss them so much. so much.
>>Shawna